


Our Hopes And Expectations

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Bad Decisions, Best Friends, Bipolar Disorder, Dark, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, Friendship, Healing, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Lack of Communication, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Money Problem, Note The Lack of Josak Relationship, Oh no Even, Only Evak Sex Scenes, POV Even Bech Næsheim, POV Isak Valtersen, POV Magnus Fossbakken, POV Multiple, Pining, Roommates, Self-Harm, Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, and masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:55:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 88
Words: 113,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26880241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: Even and Isak are roommates. They barely ever see each other, but when they do, they like what they're seeing.If only they were worthy.Evak endgame with healing and growth.The title is from the excellent song Starlight, performed by also excellent Muse.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 1544
Kudos: 509





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: implied possibility of rape

The car doesn’t make a sound as it glides through the dark streets. The headlights get sucked in the blackness of the wet asphalt. It isn’t raining right now, but the heavy clouds are hanging over the city like a blanket. Every street light the car passes gets reflected on the side window. Even follows the motion of the light with his eyes, in a repeating track, like a skipping record.

“Would you like to listen to some music?”

Even shakes his head. The beat of the club is still throbbing inside him, the near sickening bass resonating in his belly. He prefers the silence now. It’s ringing in his ears. The city sliding past them without a sound is making this moment feel almost like a dream. It feels like a movie.

The man behind the steering wheel looks like he’s from a movie, too. The shadow of his stubble frames his jawline perfectly, and the wrinkles around his eyes are only charming, not ageing. He is wearing a suit. Who wears a suit to the club? Even didn’t. He pulls the hem of his crop top down, but it keeps a strip of his torso bare very stubbornly. The expensive leather of the seat clings to the skin on his back.

“You’re awfully quiet”, the man says. Even doesn’t remember his name. He has heard it, barely, but it passed through his mind like water through sand. Just like everything does.

“I like driving at night”, Even replies. “It’s peaceful.”

The man keeps looking at him instead of the road. It could be dangerous, but Even doesn’t care.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful”, the man says, his voice thick. It isn’t lust, but something related to it. Desire, perhaps, and a touch of something bitter. The man rests his hand on Even’s thigh, his fingertip gets caught in the rip on the jeans. Even’s lips crack slightly open at the touch.

“Thank you.”

The man can’t decide which he wants more, to keep feeling Even’s skin with the tip of his middle finger or to stroke his thigh with his palm.

“Are you really over eighteen?”

Even moves his shoulder, in a way that can be described as a shrug if you really try to see it as such.

“You picked me up from a club.”

“I went to clubs before I was eighteen”, the man says. His finger hasn’t left Even’s skin. He doesn’t need to change gear, this is a modern car that does it for him. A nice, expensive car.

“I’m eighteen”, Even says, his face turned towards the side window. He tries to see his reflection on it, but it’s dark. He has to trust the man telling him he’s pretty.

“Fine, I believe you”, the man says, and it’s obvious he doesn’t believe Even.

“I have one of those faces. I’m going to get carded when I’m forty.”

The man chuckles. He presses a bit harder with his finger. Even can see his flesh yield. It doesn’t hurt, and nothing in the mood indicates it’s going to. The man is a bit drunk, Even is a bit more drunk, but he’s feeling safe. That’s why Even agreed to come with this man. It felt safe.

“I’d card you but I’m sure you have a fake ID.”

“Do you want to fuck me or don’t you?”

That shuts him up. Even can hear the lust manifest as a lump in the man’s throat. He wants to fuck Even’s young body, and Even’s young body is perfectly fine with that. This is exactly what he set out to do tonight. Find someone at the club, anyone, to take his gay virginity. To get it over with, so he can see if it’s real or not. With someone whose name he doesn’t know.

Anonymity is a definite plus here. Even doesn’t want to risk losing anyone else he actually cares about because of this. A stranger is perfect, especially a tall, dark, handsome stranger like this man. Of course next to Even he’s not actually tall, but his nicely toned muscles more than make up for that.

Even shifts his leg so that the man’s finger moves on his skin. It feels exciting. Not in a way that’s turning him on. It’s more like the feeling you get right before you’re about to do something you’re not supposed to. It feels like breaking the rules. When the man pulls his hand away Even can still feel its warmth on his thigh.

They leave the city and enter the highway. Even can barely feel the car speeding up, it happens so smoothly. Everything in this man’s life must be so effortless. That’s why he feels like he can pick up guys young enough to be his children, while still wearing his wedding ring. Even doesn’t blame him for anything. They both want this to happen. The seat belt is digging into Even’s collar bone. He doesn’t bother moving it. They’re almost there, the man said when they entered the highway.

Fifteen minutes later they go up the ramp. Even has no idea where he is. He doesn’t know anything outside the city, and it’s dark, and he hasn’t been paying attention to where they are going. It doesn’t matter. The final destination does. This man’s bed. He must have nice sheets. His skin is probably warm. Even checks the man’s crotch out from the corner of his eye. He can see the imprint of a dick. The man is already hard for Even.

_ He is going to rape you and it’s just what you’re asking for. _

Even bites on his tongue, hard. The sharp pain jolts the thought away, but it’s too late. He already thought about it, he heard the voice in his head, and it noticed he did.

_ He’s going to rape you and kill you, and nobody will miss you when you’re gone. _

“Stop”, Even whispers. It’s a mistake. With the quiet engine and no music playing the man can hear him.

“Stop?”

Even closes his eyes. Fuck.

“Stop the car. I changed my find.”

_ He’s not going to let you go you stupid cock tease. No bitch gets to grind on a man like you did at the club and then not put out. _

The turn signal clicks steadily in the silence as the man pulls the car over to the side of the road. He turns to look at Even. Even keeps his eyes on the road, the beams of the headlights disappear into the blackness.

“I’m not going to hurt you”, the man says. Even does the shrug thing again.

“I’m tired. I’m sorry.”

The man grabs the steering wheel with his both hands and squeezes. Even holds his breath.

“Do you want money?”

For some reason the question brings tears in Even’s eyes. He stops blinking, in an attempt to stop them from running down his stupid face.

_ Whore. _

“No.”

The man takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly.

“Do you need money?”

“I want to get out of the car”, Even whispers.

“I can drive you home”, the man says. Even shakes his head. He doesn’t want this man to know where he lives. Or his roommates to see him.

The man reaches towards Even. Even closes his eyes again. He hears a click, and it takes him a second to understand it was the buckle of his seat belt. He squirms free, opens the door and practically jumps outside. The man has to unbuckle his own seat belt so he can reach the handle and pull the door closed. The car doesn’t make a sound as it drives down the road. Even watches its lights disappear around the corner.

He looks around. It’s dark. There isn’t even a sidewalk, just a curb. Where the fuck is he? Leaving his jacket in the cloak room in his hurry to follow the man outside seems like a really stupid idea right about now, as the breeze makes the ribbon of bare skin around his waist rise to goose bumps.

Even takes his phone from his pocket. Two percent of battery left. He turned the GPS off earlier to save the battery, but it hasn’t done much good. It’d be of no use to turn it on now, it would drain the power in less than ten seconds. He opens his messages. He manages to send one message and the screen goes black. At least his roommates know he’s not coming home tonight. Even sees a couple of houses down the street that still have lights on. He pulls the hem of his shirt down, in vain, and starts walking.


	2. Chapter 2

After graduating from Nissen Isak Valtersen decided it was time to reinvent himself. None of his classmates were in his faculty. Nobody knew anything about him, and the dizzying liberty to not just be but  _ become _ was too tempting to pass.

Unlike Isak Valtersen, Issy is outgoing.

Unlike Isak Valtersen, Issy is light.

Just like Isak Valtersen, Issy is gay, but Issy is okay with it. And, to Isak Valtersen’s surprise, so is everyone else. Every morning he packs his backpack, takes a tram to the uni, walks in through the doors and becomes Issy. Everyone in his classes know him and like him, he spends the whole day smiling and joking and  _ flirting _ and when the day is done and he returns home, he is absolutely exhausted.

Being happy is hard work. Especially when you’re not used to it. Isak lifts his eyes into the mirror on the bathroom wall, and Issy is looking back at him, with neon pink stripes over his cheeks and glitter spray in his hair. He is smiling, because Magnus from his study group is smiling right next to him, and Issy would not say no to an opportunity to give a taste to the rather substantial dick he saw through Magnus’ gym shorts one day.

He has no idea if Magnus is into guys or not. He suspects Magnus doesn’t know, either. If the mood was right and the opportunity rose, maybe something would come out of it. Because of that maybe, Issy is always smiling around Magnus. To keep the mood up.

“Want some?”

Issy looks at Mags through the mirror. Magnus is holding up a flask. Isak doesn’t want to know where he has been keeping it. He just grabs it, does his best to ignore the warmth the metal has absorbed and takes a swig. Bourbon. It’s disgusting, but Issy still swallows and smiles. He gives the flask back to Magnus.

“Thanks babe”, Issy says, and Magnus giggles. The maybe is definitely there tonight. Isak’s back pocket buzzes and he takes his phone out. It’s their apartment’s group chat.

_ Not coming home tonight. _

Isak licks his lips quickly. Seeing Even’s name on his phone’s screen is enough to awaken the thirst. Isak barely ever sees the guy around the apartment, Even is still asleep when Isak leaves for his classes and Isak is already in bed when Even comes home from his adventures. He has talked with Even only a couple of times, on a hungover morning, smoking on the balcony. He remembers the way Even squints when he pulls in smoke.

Even’s not coming home tonight. Eskild is out of town. Isak glances at Magnus, who his focusing on fixing his hair in front of the mirror. Carpe diem.

“Mags?”

It takes a couple of tries to get Magnus’ attention. They keep looking at each other through the mirror. Isak appreciates that. It’s much easier to be someone else when you can see what you’re doing. Issy flashes Magnus a grin.

“My roommates aren’t home. I have the whole place to myself. And a bottle of vodka in the freezer.”

Magnus’ face lights up.

“Awesome! The drinks are so expensive in here, I’ll go tell the others.”

Magnus gets so excited he runs out before Isak can explain that he was thinking about something a bit more intimate than a house party. It’s still on the table, though. Mags can hold his liquor, and Isak is really good at not falling asleep, and maybe, just maybe somewhere around three or four o’clock in the morning everyone else has passed out and Issy is resting his head on Magnus’ lap, looking up at his kind eyes, that get super serious all of a sudden, and Issy cracks his lips and nods barely visibly, and Magnus leans down to kiss him.

“Issy?”

Isak blinks. He got lost in his thoughts again. He has no idea how long he has been standing here, looking at himself and Magnus on the couch, locked in a kiss. At least Issy is awake and on top of his game. He smiles as Mags and skips to him.

“Are they coming?”

“Hell yes! They went to get their coats.”

Issy slips his arm around Magnus’ arm, still smiling.

“Better not keep them waiting.”

Just like that, the fact that Isak was the one keeping anyone waiting is erased by a friendly chuckle. Magnus walks Issy out of the bathroom, on his arm, and they go catch up with the rest of the group. They need two cabs. Isak hopes there’s still some beers in the fridge. The vodka wouldn’t last long with this many drinkers.

The empty vodka bottle makes a sort of rattling sound as it spins on the living room floor. Isak watches the neck travel round and round, following it with his eyes, as it slows down and eventually stops. It’s pointing at Magnus.

“Uhhhhhh dare!” Magnus always chooses dare. Maybe he has nothing to confess. No question he is hoping someone would ask while he’s forced to tell the truth. Maybe he’s just Mags, the loveable goofball.

“Re-enact the position you last had sex in.”

Issy whistles at the dare. He approves of it, of course he does. He’s flirty. And also keenly interested in the show he’s about to see. If Magnus gets on his hands and knees or lies on his back and pushes his legs up in the air it’ll be obvious that he’s into guys. Magnus blushes, but he keeps a good spirit going.

“My position?”

“Yeah.”

Magnus stands up. Interesting. He walks to the wall and turns around, leans his back on it and pushes his hips outwards a bit. Issy bites on his lip and presses his chin, while the darer objects the position Magnus has chosen.

“Oral sex is sex!” Magnus defends his case. People are nodding, and Magnus is allowed to join the circle and sit back down. He leans in, takes the bottle and sends it spinning. Isak’s mouth is feeling wet.

“Issy! Truth or dare?”

Issy looks up at Magnus, right into his eyes, and his lips curve into a challenging smile.

“Truth.”

Magnus thinks. He looks cute when he’s thinking, his forehead gets all wrinkly. Isak likes the boy, a lot. He doesn’t like-like him, not more than a friendly benefit of a blow job or some casual sex, but as a friend. Mags is a great guy.

“Do you have a secret you haven’t ever told anyone about? A real secret?”

Issy’s smile wavers. He giggles, nervously.

“Doesn’t everyone?”

Magnus shakes his head.

“Not real, proper ones. Most people tell at least someone. I want to know do you have a secret you haven’t ever told, anyone, not even anonymously.”

Isak wets his lips slowly. Truth or dare.

“Yes.”

Magnus nods. Isak reaches for the bottle, but Oskar wants to know what the secret is. Isak looks up at Mags, who is on it immediately.

“You can ask that if you get Issy and he chooses truth”, he says. “No double truths. It’s against the rules.”

Isak gets up and excuses himself. He locks the bathroom door. He looks into the mirror but can see only himself. He looks tired and frightened.

“Fucking idiot”, he whispers. He grabs the edges of the sink and tries to keep his breathing steady. Outside the bathroom the bottle rattles again, someone says something, and everybody laughs.


	3. Chapter 3

Isak glances at Magnus, who is playing with his phone. Like he expected, they are the last men standing. It’s almost half past four in the morning, and the party is officially over. Isak is gathering empty beer cans in a plastic bag as quietly as possibly, so that Oskar who is fast asleep on the couch doesn’t wake up. The others decided to walk home to sleep in an actual bed instead of the floor or a bean bag chair.

“Should we go to my room?” Isak asks quietly. Magnus looks at Oskar and nods. He gets up and stretches thoroughly.

“Are you sure we’ll both fit in your bed? You’re a longboi.”

“Were you looking at doggo memes again?”

Magnus grins. Isak sighs.

“We will fit. Come on.”

They retreat to Isak’s room. Isak is glad he hid his toys in the box under his bed. Magnus would have a field day with them, testing every buzz and twirl with great enthusiasm and interest, and Isak is too tired and drunk to handle something like that right now.

“I don’t think I’ve been in your room before. It’s nice.”

Isak looks around. He doesn’t think his room is especially nice. It’s a room. The most important feature of it is the door he can close and lock, like he has done now, simply out of habit. He has a wide bed, some closets for his stuff, a small desk and a chair, a rug on the floor, curtains permanently drawn over the window and the cheapest Ikea lamp in the ceiling. It’s a room. It’s private.

“I don’t usually bring boys over”, Issy says and winks. “I go to them so I can leave when I feel like it.”

Magnus snickers. He sits down on Isak’s bed and leans back on his elbows.

“So if I never leave, you’ll be forced to just keep me?”

Issy licks his lips. He steps closer, right in front of Mags, who looks up at him with those puppy eyes of his.

“Maybe”, Issy says, quietly, and leans in. He presses his hands on the bed on both sides of Magnus’ hips, he tilts his head a bit, he pushes his body towards Magnus and cracks his lips. Just as they are about to touch Magnus’ mouth Magnus turns his head away and drops his shoulders to back down.

“What are you doing?” Magnus asks. Isak doesn’t know what to answer. He freezes, for a second, then pushes himself upright again.

“I’m sorry, I read too much into things. I thought you wanted to --” Isak makes a tiny shrug, with just one shoulder. He thought Magnus wanted to.

“I don’t”, Magnus says. He sounds weird. He sounds like he’s sorry, but also surprised. “Did you want to? Really?”

Issy smiles, just a bit uncertain of himself.

“Of course? You’re cute, and I like you.”

Magnus is blushing intensely. He doesn’t seem to be able to look directly at Issy.

“Is that all it takes to get you in bed?”

Isak has to bite his tongue for a moment. Focus on his breathing. Magnus doesn’t sound like he’s slut shaming Issy here, he is serious about his question. He has a worried frown that’s making Isak a bit uncomfortable.

“To be honest, it probably takes less.”

That’s a lie. Or, well, it’s not entirely true. Not the whole truth. Sure, Issy is easy, but Isak doesn’t take him out as often as people think. Or as far, either. Usually it’s just a hurried hand job or a quick blowjob, for whomever Issy is with, and a ridiculous amount of kissing. Isak loves kissing boys, and playing with their dicks, but that’s as far as he’ll let Issy go.

Magnus isn’t laughing.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to -- it’s okay if you like casual sex. It’s just not my thing. Or boys, either.” Issy takes note on how Magnus addresses the issue of casual sex before him being a boy, but tucks the note away. It’s not going to happen, and that’s that.

Isak bites his lip. He wants to ask does Mags still like him. It’s hard to come back from the mindset of kissing the shit out of a boy and letting him come on his face, especially after rejection. Mags isn’t the first guy who has said no, but he is the first guy Isak will still need to share a bed with.

Well. Maybe.

“Should I go get the beanbag chair?”

Magnus yawns.

“If you’re cool with it I don’t mind sleeping in your bed with you. I trust you take no for an answer, right?”

Isak nods, because Issy might not. Needy bitch.

“Yes. Of course.”

Magnus smiles. Isak looks at that smile carefully, trying to see if it’s authentic. If the warmth radiating from it is real. He doesn’t find any evidence on Magnus not liking him anymore, but maybe Mags is just a good liar --

Isak shakes his head and chuckles. No. Magnus is the worst liar in the known universe.

“What is it?” Magnus asks, with worry in his voice again. He’s worried Issy is laughing at him. Everybody just wants to belong, don’t they? Issy smiles, as softly as he can.

“It’s okay. We should probably tuck in for the night.”

“There’s barely any night left. But you’re right.” Magnus stands up and pulls his shirt over his head. Isak can only stare at him. Issy has just expressed his interest, and Magnus has rejected him, and now Magnus is simply trusting that the issue has now been dealt with and can be put to rest. Isak is jealous of a life that has allowed such trust to manifest. Issy staring at Magnus’ bare chest might make a dent in that trust, so Isak turns his head away. He decides to keep his shirt on. He pulls his jeans off and leaves them in a pile on the floor, with his socks.

Magnus has crawled in the bed. He looks so comfortable and cosy in there. Issy can imagine going to bed with that boy every night, and waking up with him every morning, and it is nice to imagine something like that. Imagining that about Magnus feels safe, because Magnus is such a great guy and because he’s completely unattainable.

Issy takes the duvet for his blanket and lies down next to Mags. He reaches a little kiss on Magnus’ cheek.

“Sleep tight.”

Magnus almost frowns but stops himself on time.

“You too. Good night.”

Magnus closes his eyes. Isak watches his face. He really likes Magnus. He must be careful. He doesn’t want to screw up this friendship, especially since he isn’t actually into Magnus anyway. Issy just needs reassuring. And discipline. Isak has given him too much liberty. Issy can’t handle it. He starts imagining things.

Minutes pass. Isak doesn’t move. He only blinks, and breathes as quietly as he can, and waits. Finally Magnus opens his eyes.

“You’re not sleeping”, Magnus whispers. Isak shakes his head.

“I’m not tired. You can sleep, I don’t mind.”

Isak sees the unspoken words in Magnus’ eyes. He’s making sure Issy doesn’t notice them. He just waits, almost holding his breath, for Magnus to get it out. Whatever it is he’s not saying.

“I’m sorry for asking about your secret”, Magnus finally sighs. “I’ve just been thinking about it for a while now. That you seem like you have secrets.”

Isak tries to smile. He’s no good at it. Issy would be better, but he’s not welcome here. Not in this bed, his face this close to a half naked boy.

“It’s okay. I could have lied.”

“But you didn’t”, Magnus says. He still doesn’t ask, and Isak likes him even more just because of that. Magnus is a great guy. A great friend. Isak could use one, with Jonas out of town he has nobody to watch over him.

“No”, Isak sighs. “I didn’t.”

Magnus turns on his back and pushes his arm above Isak’s head.

“Come here”, he says. Isak hesitates. Magnus asks again. Isak tries to listen if Issy is anywhere near, but he is too tired for Issy right now. It’s okay. It’s safe. Isak crawls a bit closer and rests his head on Magnus’ shoulder. He closes his eyes and breathes in the scent of a boy.

“Thank you”, Isak whispers. Magnus wraps his arm around him and hums drowsily.

“Sleep now.”

Isak feels his shoulders slowly relax under the gentle stroking of Magnus’ fingertips. He’s safe. He has a friend.


	4. Chapter 4

Even chooses a house with a tricycle on the front yard. People with small children are unlikely to have drug fuelled parties. Even isn’t worried about some party people attacking him, but they might ask him to join. He should not take drugs. Not anymore. He knows he wouldn’t refuse if someone offered.

He makes sure that he sees someone moving inside before he places his finger on the doorbell. Then it occurs to him that the little one might be sleeping, and the doorbell could wake them up. He opts for knocking instead. He does his best to knock like a perfectly normal and friendly person. He’s harmless. At least to others.

After waiting for a while he knocks again. He steps back from the door, his arms wrapped around himself, and rubs his upper arms to warm them up. He should not have left his jacket behind. He should not have asked to get out of the car. He could be in a nice warm bed right now, getting pounded by a handsome older gentleman, if only he wasn’t fucking insane.

He hears steps. Someone is on the other side of the door. He pulls up a smile, a restrained one. He can’t turn it up on full blast now, he’s suspicious enough as he is.

“Hello? I need help.”

The door stays closed. Even steps further back from it.

“I don’t know where I am and my phone’s dead. Could you charge it for me? I can wait outside.”

Suddenly everything gets bright. Even has to close his eyes and turn away from the glaring lights that were turned on. The whole yard is illuminated. It feels like a spotlight, or an interrogation, and either way Even wraps his arms around himself a bit tighter.

“I can leave the phone on the porch and go wait by the road while you collect it. I really just need some power so I can call my dad to come pick me up.”

To be honest, he probably could. Dad would come get him, in the middle of the night, a good ride out of the city, if he only called. He’s not going to.

Even takes his phone out of his pocket and places it on the railing of the porch.

“Here. I’ll back away now.”

He walks backwards down the driveway until he reaches the fence. There’s no way he could charge all the way from here in time to attack anyone on the porch. He keeps his eyes on the door, hugging himself, oh please please please he just wants to get home.

He waits for a minute or two. He is about to give up and go get his phone, when the door cracks open. He sees a hand, that places something on the floor, and the door closes again. Even walks to take a look. It’s a charger. He takes it in his hand and looks around, and sees an outlet near the roof. It’s probably for christmas lights or something, and Even is lucky to be tall enough to reach it. He has to stand by the wall and hold his phone up so the cord doesn’t run out, but at least he is getting somewhere with this.

The lights turn off. Even welcomes the darkness. He is leaning his back on the cool wall and looks around the sleeping suburbs. Nice houses. Nice yards. Nice cars parked on driveways. Nice lives, for nice and decent people, who spend their Saturday nights picking up teenage boys at clubs. It’s a life Even pretends he doesn’t want. A normal life.

The door cracks open again. Even jumps, startled, and almost drops his phone. He catches it with the help of the cord and thankfully doesn’t break the charging port. Or the charger. The door closes again, and when Even has time to take a look he sees a beige, soft lump by the door. It’s a blanket.

He has to unplug the phone so he can go get it. He returns to the charger and wraps the blanket around his shoulders. It’s so warm. It smells like fabric softener. It smells like a normal home. Even almost remembers how it was to have one.

“Shit!”

Even unplugs the phone and drops down to hide behind the railing. He’s lucky he saw the headlights. The car isn’t making any sound as it drives past the house. It’s the same car Even left in a hurry. It’s driving slowly, with high beams on. The guy’s looking for Even. Even doesn’t care to find out why. He’s peeking through the railing, his heart at the back of his throat, squeezing his phone against his chest.

Maybe he remembered how little Even is wearing.

Maybe he decided he wants to fuck Even hard enough to make it happen regardless of what Even has to say about it.

Whatever it is, Even doesn’t need or want him anymore. He’s good. He’s huddled inside a blanket, his phone is charging, he’ll be just fine. He’s okay with keeping his gay virginity for another night. He’s relieved to see the car drive past and disappear.

That relief is wiped away when he understands that he will now have to wait until he sees the car drive back, too. If he’s mistaken, if the guy is actually going somewhere now, that might take hours. How long should he wait until he decides it’s safe to start the longest walk of shame ever?

The city is about fifteen minutes away. Even’s going to wait for half an hour, or until his phone is fully charged, whichever happens first -- oh. Right. He stands up and plugs the phone back in. He’s tempted to turn it on, but the light would be visible from far away enough to make it unsafe. The guy might drive back with his headlights turned off or something.

Even is probably imagining things. He is making up scenarios that aren’t based on any evidence. The man he turned down has probably simply decided to go find someone else to play with. He’ll make it back to the city around the times the bars will close, and he’s bound to meet a party boy who wants to keep the party going for a couple of hours more. He’s a decent man. Most people are decent. They lend their chargers and blankets for strangers in the middle of the night.

The car doesn’t come back. Even waits until his phone is fully charged, then he waits for some more just in case. The street remains empty and dark. Even unplugs his phone and turns it on. He opens the maps. He can finally find out where he is.

It turns out he’s a five hour walk away from home. He looks up from the screen into the darkness, and sees his breath in the light of his phone. The night is getting colder by the minute. He’d better get going.

Even has walked for about twenty minutes, when he realizes he still has the blanket on his shoulders. Great. Just great. He feels bad for the poor boy who needs help from that house the next time, and won’t get any, thanks to the blanket bandit. He knows he won’t ever come back to return it. It’s his now, a memento of this disaster of a night.

He pulls the blanket tighter around his body and keeps walking. If he’s lucky, he’ll be home before the others wake up, and he won’t have to explain himself to anyone.


	5. Chapter 5

There is light seeping from behind the curtains when Isak is first starting to wake up. He is in his bed, on his side, and someone who smells like a boy is right behind his back spooning him. Isak doesn’t open his eyes just yet. He doesn’t want to wake up and face whatever reality it is that’s waiting for him. It’s too nice to be right here, as the little spoon, and imagine things.

Bit by bit the reality creeps in. Isak starts remembering things. Who he is with. What happened with him last night when Issy tried to kiss him. Yet here he is now, spooning Issy, only in his underwear and -- oh dear. Isak opens his eyes and leans his hips back ever so slightly, careful to not wake his guest up.

That’s some impressive morning wood right there. Isak bites his lip and grabs the corner of his pillow to ground himself, to keep his hands from wandering behind his back. It’s just a physical reaction. It doesn’t mean anything. He’s asleep, or passed out, and he’s young, these things happen.

All Issy can think about is that hard dick. It fills his head, it makes his own dick twitch in expectation, it makes his mouth water. He isn’t even thinking about the boy it’s attached to, it doesn’t matter to him, all that he cares about is how big and hard it’s feeling. How much he wants to touch it. Well, he is touching it, with his ass, but he wants to take it in his hand, play with it, taste it, make it come.

Issy pushes his butt back juuuust a bit. He wants to feel the whole thing, its exact size and shape. It’s so big. It feels beautiful. Issy has to wipe the corner of his mouth in his pillow, he is practically drooling. He is breathing slower. Deeper. He is getting hard. He is being stupid. So, so fucking stupid.

In his head it goes so perfectly. He moves his hips slowly, rubbing his ass against the dick, and gets pulled tighter against the chest behind him. A hot, wet mouth against his ear and neck, hips grinding against his ass, his own hand inside his underwear frantically chasing the climax. A low grunt behind him, something wet against his lower back, a mess in his underwear and the slow descend together, just lying there, glowing. Perfection.

“Issy?”

Isak opens his eyes and freezes. Were his hips moving? Where are his hands? He looks down and sees he’s still holding on to the pillow. Thank fuck. He isn’t feeling the dick against him anymore. He is still hard, almost painfully so. Fucking Issy.

He goes through his options in his head. He has no idea how long he had been lost in his fantasy. He doesn’t know how many times Magnus has said his name. Could he pull off just waking up? Should he?

“Mmh?”

Magnus shifts on the bed. Isak notices Magnus has pulled his arm away, too.

“Are you okay?”

It’s the way he’s asking it. How he sounds like he really, truly, genuinely wants to know. Like he’s actually worried, not just asking because he’s supposed to. Isak pulls his shoulders up against his ears and shakes his head. He’s not okay.

Magnus wraps his arm around Issy again. He’s keeping his hips back, but pulls Issy close, into a tight hold. It’s a hug. A proper, tight hug, for someone who just moments ago was rubbing his ass against his dick without permission or consent. Just because he’s not okay.

“Is there something I can do?” Magnus asks. Isak shakes his head again.

“This is plenty”, he whispers. Magnus just hums and keeps holding him. It’s perfect.

It only occurs to Even when he’s on his home street that he could have taken the tram when he reached the city. Fuck. He really is an idiot, isn’t he? His phone died again an hour ago, and he has just been focusing on putting one foot in front of the other one, in endless repeats, without thinking about how many times he has already done it, or how many times there are still left. He has just walked. And walked. And walked. Mindlessly. On a plus side, the walk has sobered him up. No hangover for him today. It’s good also because he might have died if he got a hangover on top of all that walking.

Even has to take the elevator to their floor. He can’t force his legs up the stairs. They aren’t listening to him anymore, they are just walking walking walking, he’s walking a small circle in the elevator to keep the momentum going. He doesn’t want to collapse five steps away from home. He reaches the right floor, walks to the door, and keeps moving his feet while he gets the keys.

The smell of a last night’s party hits him from the door. A hint of weed, a spilled beer, a mass of people. Even pulls the door closed behind him, kicks his shoes off his numb feet and finally lets the blanket drop on the floor. He looks at his fingers, cramped up into claws, his arms bent at the elbows, and tries to will them to relax. It’s not working. Maybe he’ll be forever stuck like this, doomed to perform a T-rex impersonation for the rest of his life.

Maybe he’s lucky and will drop dead from exhaustion the second he hits his bed.

Even knows he won’t be able to get up in a while when he finally gets down, so he’ll have to make some preparations. He drags himself towards the kitchen. On his way there he sees some guy asleep on the couch, and an empty bottle of vodka on the floor. Must have been a fun party. Even can’t sneak around, it’s physically impossible for him now, he can only hope the guy won’t wake up and want to talk or something.

Even picks up the vodka bottle as he passes it. He takes it to the kitchen with him, rinses it and fills it up with water. He takes a peek in the fridge. Leftover fried noodles. He grabs the bowl, shoves the bottle under his arm and eats the noodles with his free hand, cold, while walking back and forth in the kitchen. He leaves the empty bowl in the sink and heads for his room, fucking finally. He’s going to die, and he’s going to be so happy about it.

He’s still on his way when Isak’s lock clicks open. Shit. He’s too far away from his room to make it on time. He can’t stop. What the fuck can he -- Eskild’s room. Even doesn’t think it any further, he opens the door and rushes inside. He leaves the door barely cracked so he can watch, and that’s so incredibly stupid it almost trumps hiding in Eskild’s room.

Isak steps out. He looks like shit. That’s good. It makes it easier for Even to look at him. Even is hugging his bottle tightly, and still almost drops it when he sees the guy walk out behind Isak. It’s not that Isak has hooked up with someone after a party, that much is expected, but there’s something in the way those two are -- well. Together. Even can see their connection, and that is making him forget about his aching feet, focus on the blunt feeling in his chest.

He has no claim over Isak.

He has no right, either.

This is stupid. He is stupid. He is the biggest idiot ever. Why didn’t he just go through with it last night? Figure out if he likes guys or not, find out if whatever it is that Isak is stirring up inside him is legit or not. He has to find out before he makes a move.

Though it would have been too late, wouldn’t it? If Even found out last night, Isak would still have been with this boy, and Even would have been too late to approach him. You snooze, you lose. At least that guy looks nice. He looks decent, properly decent, like someone who will take care of Isak way better than Even ever could.

Maybe they both dodged a bullet this time.

“Would you like some coffee?” Isak asks. The other boy nods, and smiles. He has a super nice smile. Isak could get someone hotter, but probably not anyone nicer. It’s funny, Even always kind of assumed Isak is into bad boys. He was wrong, it seems.

“Is Oskar still asleep?”

Okay, that’s the guy on the couch. Oskar.

“What do you think?” Isak asks. The other boy laughs.

“He’s really good at sleeping, isn’t he?”

“Especially when there’s something going on around him. He once told me he gets his best sleep during class.”

Now they both laugh. The bottle is starting to feel cold against Even’s chest. Isak and the boy disappear into to kitchen, out of Even’s sight and hearing range. He can hear only bursts of laughter every now and then, and smell the coffee, and he’s stuck in this room now isn’t he?

It doesn’t matter. He’s too tired to care. He’ll be in huge trouble with Eskild later, but that’s later, and this is now. Righ now he needs to rest. His body is on the brink of giving up. His heart already feels like it kind of has. Even pulls the door closed as quietly as he can and retreats to the bed. Eskild’s bed. He puts the water bottle on the night stand, crawls into the bed and curls up into a tight ball. He’s so cold. He is freezing, and his body doesn’t seem to be able to generate enough heat to warm up the air under the blankets. He’s too tired to do anything about it. He falls asleep before he has fully closed his eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s not that Issy isn’t good looking, because he absolutely is.

It’s also not that he would particularly mind that Issy is a boy.

It’s just that he doesn’t know.

Magnus has always been pretty good at picking up things on people. It’s probably because of his mother, and her condition. He got used to watching out for the signs at an early age. Not that he had to, he was never held responsible on anything except being a kid, but children are so much keener observers than adults like to remember. He saw things. He learned from them.

It’s obvious that Issy is going through something. He keeps spacing out. Usually for just half a second or so, but then there are times like this morning, when he’s clearly not there for almost a full minute. If Magnus hadn’t seen those moments happen before, he might have been really cross with Issy not respecting the boundaries he had set.

To be honest, he was, at first. When he felt Issy grind his ass against his embarrassingly inconvenient erection Magnus was jolted awake and he snapped at Issy, something hostile he doesn’t remember anymore. Something Issy didn’t hear at all. It’s good he missed it, because friends don’t say things like that to friends, if they want to keep them. Magnus does want to keep Issy. As a friend.

It’s not that he doesn’t not-like boys. He just hasn’t met a boy he has liked. Simple as that. Simple is good. Magnus loves the simple things, like a cup of coffee on a slightly hungover morning with a friend to lament on their shared misery with.

Then it happens again. Issy is sitting on the other side of the table, his heel pulled up on the edge of the seat, his fingers wrapped around the coffee cup that’s too hot to handle like that if you as Magnus, and his eyes kind of blank. Maybe he’s on something. Magnus saw the corner of a strip of pills peek from under Issy’s bed. He couldn’t make out what kind of pills they were.

Now that it’s just the two of them, in a slow morning like this, Issy can’t return from wherever it was he disappeared in effortlessly. He is trying. He blinks, sees Magnus is staring at him, makes a little giggle, brushes his hair behind his ear and tries to make light of it.

“I don’t remember being drunk enough to get this sick from it”, Issy says, his voice only a little bit tense. Magnus flashes him one of his best reassuring smiles. He looks at Issy’s fingers, that are still wrapped around the hot cup, and decides to leave it. It’s too early to pry. People have their coping mechanisms, and they’re not simple, because people are not simple. Everything is complicated, and that’s what makes life interesting.

“It’s probably also lack of sleep. We stayed up way too late last night.”

Issy nods. He takes a sip from his coffee and finally puts the cup down. Magnus brushes at the side of his own cup with the back of his fingers. Definitely hot enough to hurt. Magnus looks over his shoulder in the general direction of the living room. Oskar must be still asleep, otherwise the smell of coffee would have lured him in here.

“Speaking of last night.” Issy’s shoulders tense up. He is hiding it well. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on.”

Magnus is pretty sure he didn’t. He was being his perfectly normal self. Well, maybe not normal, but at least usual. He was not leading Issy on or making him believe anything he wasn’t really trying to believe. He can still apologize for it.

“No”, Issy sighs. “I’m sorry. And for this morning, too. I wasn’t properly awake.”

“A part of me certainly was”, Magnus says, just because Issy’s face is looking like that. It works like a charm. Issy goes from painful shame to disbelief to my-friend-is-an-idiot in less than a second. Then he looks kind of horrified, but appropriately so.

“Oh God I’m so sorry I molested you.”

“It’s okay. You could say I was leading you on. Or a part of me was.”

Issy’s my-friend-is-an-idiot face is definitely one of Magnus’ favourites.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. It’s okay, really. Please stop beating yourself up about it.”

Issy’s shoulders do that tensing up thing again.

“I’m not beating myself up.”

“Good. Because you shouldn’t.”

They are quiet for a moment. Isak’s fingers approach his coffee cup again. Magnus tries to decide whether or not it is a good idea to bring up more difficult stuff. He is slightly hungover, and Issy is also, but there is this atmosphere in here, in this moment, that makes it feel safe. The edges are softer.

“Issy”, Magnus says. “I’d like to ask you something. It’s okay if you don’t want to answer, and you can just say you don’t want to talk about it, and that’s that. No explanation needed.”

Issy tries to smile but can’t really pull it off. He is scared. Magnus wishes he could say there’s no need to be, but things like this are always unpredictable. This is important enough to risk it. Issy might need help.

“Do you know you’re blacking out?”

Issy blinks, startled. He looks like a deer in headlights.

“What?” Issy is barely making a sound. Magnus just wants to hug him until everything is okay. It doesn’t work like that.

“Every now and then there are these. Moments. Short moments when you sort of disappear. You don’t see or hear anything around you. Do you know that is happening?”

The way Issy sucks on his bottom lip super slowly is enough to tell Magnus that Issy knows.

“Does that happen often?” Issy whispers. Magnus nods.

“At least once every time I see you.”

Issy turns his head away.

“Shit”, he hisses under his breath, and presses his palm over his mouth. His elbow forms a sharp angle, his arm is one stroke of an artist’s brush and connects to the wrist, the hand, the fingers pressing into the soft skin of the cheek. It’s a fragile picture. Isak lets his hand drop down on his lap, and the picture is wiped away. “I didn’t think anyone noticed.”

“I don’t think anyone else has. Nobody’s mentioned it to me, and -- I’ve been looking.” Great, now Magnus sounds creepy. Maybe he is creepy. Issy is just so interesting, much more interesting than anyone else Magnus has ever met. He’s a secret, a whole bunch of them, and Magnus wants to learn them all. Or as many as possible.

“Are you sure?” Issy looks at him from the corner of his eye. Magnus nods.

“Yes. It probably never lasts long enough for anyone else to notice. A second or so, and everyone spaces out sometimes. Especially at class.”

Issy tries to giggle. He looks so weird. Magnus has never seen him like that. It makes him feel special.

“It’s cool if you don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to make sure you know about it.”

Issy nods. Now he manages to smile a little bit, too.

“You’re a good friend. Thank you.”

“I try”, Magnus says, and it’s true. He really, really tries.


	7. Chapter 7

Even wakes up to something heavy and alive crashing on top of him. Either the impact or the shriek that follows immediately after it. Two shrieks.

“What the fuck?!” Eskild screams, jumps out of his bed and pulls the covers off. Even is hit with air that feels freezing. Violent shivers make his body tremble. His head weighs a ton, and he barely registers that Eskild isn’t alone. There’s a guy with him, holding his shirt in his hands.

“I should probably come back some other day”, the other guy says and puts his shirt back on. Eskild groans.

“Even, how drunk were you when you came home? This is my room.”

Even doesn’t say anything. He makes a sound he hopes is apologetic. Speaking feels too complex right now. Staying awake is a bit much, too.

“Yeah, I’m gonna go now.”

“Sorry, boo. We’re definitely making a rain check.”

Even hears the sounds of a rather sloppy kiss. Either Eskild or his partner murmurs a low  _ fuck _ in the middle of it. Even wishes he was someplace else. Somewhere warm. He is freezing. He is intruding. Eskild was just about to hook up with someone, and here Even is, in his bed, uninvited.

“You’re a fucking great kisser”, the other guy mumbles. Even agrees, silently. He has kissed Eskild once, at a house party, and Eskild is really, really good at it. Had Even been more drunk he would have been interested in something more, just based on that kiss. He decides it’s best to not mention that night right now. Or, like, ever.

Right now he would love to stay in this bed and pass out again. He would also love a blanket. Eskild pulled them too far for him to reach. Also, he doesn’t want to move. His every muscle is sore and aching, from his toes to his eyelids. Last night was definitely a disaster.

Was it last night? Based on how much he needs to pee, it was. If it was longer he might have already wet the bed. As it occurs to him, he has to try the sheets with his hand. They’re dry. Thank fuck.

The kissy sounds start to get further away, until the apartment door opens and closes and the sounds stop. Eskild returns in his room, hurries to Even and touches his forehead. He pulls his hand back quickly.

“Fuck, you’re on fire. What happened?”

Even doesn’t know what to tell Eskild. So he doesn’t tell him anything. He’s too tired and sick to come up with a lie he would remember later. It’s best to just whine and whimper quietly, to bring up Eskild’s motherly instincts. It works. Eskild tries his forehead again and shakes his head.

“You’re shaking, too. Come on, let’s get you into something more comfortable. And your own room.”

Try as they might, Even’s legs are refusing co-operation. He simply can’t move them. Eskild moves them for him, but when they try to stand up together, Even’s legs don’t support him. They give in without even trying. Eskild can’t hold him up at all, he’s too tall. They collapse back on the bed.

“Okay, so this isn’t working. Wait here, I’ll ask Isak for help.”

“No”, Even blurts out before he manages to stop himself. Fuck. Eskild looks at him funny, and now he has to come up with an explanation. “I owe him money.”

Wow. Well. That will have to do. Eskild isn’t impressed, but at least he isn’t leaving anymore.

“Even, you’re a giraffe. I can’t drag you into your bed on my own.”

“I’m so cold”, Even whines. “Come here. Please.”

Eskild hesitates. Even tries to give him his best puppy eyes, but he’s not all too sure how that’s working with his teeth chattering like this.

“I don’t want to catch anything.”

“You’d better not kiss me, then.”

Eskild laughs. It leaves a twinkle in his eyes and a grin on his lips.

“Let’s hope I can control myself. Can you take your clothes off?” Eskild goes to his closet as he’s speaking, and takes out a pair of plaid patterned pajama pants and a matching shirt with long sleeves and buttons. “I haven’t worn this ever. I got it from my aunt for Christmas, it’s not exactly my style.”

Even unbuttons his jeans. He can get them around his knees, but not further. Eskild grabs them and peels them off without making any kind of deal about it, big or small. Even really appreciates that.

“Oh, sweetie, better take your underwear off too.” Eskild sounds like he’s genuinely sorry for Even. At least this isn’t a sexy setting. Far from it. Even eases his underwear down to his thighs and Eskild takes care of the rest, pinching the rubber band with his thumbs and index fingers. “Ew. Can I burn these?”

“Cold”, Even whines. Eskild drops the underwear on the floor on top of Even’s jeans and helps Even get the pyjama pants on. Then they change his shirt. The sleeves are a bit short, but other than that it fits comfortably.

“There. Do you need something before trying to get some sleep? Water? Food? Bathroom?”

Even closes his eyes. The bathroom is just across the hall. In other words, a million miles away. His bladder isn’t going to get emptier by waiting around.

“Bathroom”, Even sighs. Eskild nods.

“You will have to support your weight. Can you crawl on your hands and knees? I can help you up on the toilet if you make it there.”

Fuck. On his hands and knees. Isak is home. What if he opens his door and sees Even like that? In Eskild’s pyjamas, crawling around on all fours, sick like a dog. Well, the alternative is to wet Eskild’s bed, with Eskild in it with him. That’s somehow even less appealing. So, Even nods, miserable, and lets Eskild assist him down from the bed.

The crawl is short, but it still hurts Even’s knees. It’s not too bad. The cold is worse. And the vertigo. His head is so heavy he can barely keep it up. He leans his arms on the sink while he’s on the toilet, and rests his forehead on them. He’s never been this sick in his life.

When Even crawls in bed with Eskild’s help he is exhausted and covered in sweat. Eskild wipes his forehead with a tissue. It’s such a tender gesture that it almost makes Even want to cry. He is in this situation out of his own damn fault, he doesn’t deserve to be treated this kindly. Still, he is. Eskild is kind to him, he crawls in bed behind his back and pulls the blanket over them both.

Eskild is so warm. Even pushes back against him, hungry for the warmth that’s slowly spreading into his body. He falls asleep in the embrace of that warmth. He hasn’t deserved it, but he is grateful for it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short mess, I'm super tired tonight. You're welcome, future me!

In hindsight, bringing the laptop to bed in order to study was a bad idea. It’s not the worst idea Isak has ever had, but considering productivity it was a solid bad one. He has been reading the same short article for an hour now. First he had to get the pillows behind his back on an optimal angle and fluffiness. Then he spent quite a bit of time constructing a study playlist. He has to make a new one every time, because his sensitivity for things like lyrics or lack of lyrics keeps changing on a daily basis. Today is an Italian lyrics only day, it seems, and he can only stand so many Eros Ramazzotti songs at one go.

When the playlist was ready Isak got to reading the article, but first he just quickly checked his phone. Fifteen minutes disappeared like magic. So, here he is now, an hour later, still on the first page of the stupid article and all this lying around in the bed has made him drowsy. The lack of sleep from last night is still taking its toll on him.

His phone buzzes. He resists the urge for a whole five seconds before he gives in and checks what it was. It’s Jonas. He’s coming over next weekend and wants to finally meet Isak’s new housemates. It’s a thinly veiled request. Jonas wants Isak to invite him over his place to spend the weekend. Apparently he isn’t looking forward to spending his weekend in the city at his parents’ place. Isak can’t blame him. Parents hinder fun times.

_Don’t leave me hanging on seen bitch!_

Isak licks his lips quickly. So many things could go so terribly wrong. A part of him wants that to happen. Fucking Issy.

_I have to ask them too dickhead_

Jonas replies with an eyeroll emoji. Isak still doesn’t see the appeal of the things. Issy likes them, especially the flame and the eggplant. Getting him his own phone was an excellent idea. Now Isak’s phone isn’t filled with matches and emoji and sticker sets. Keeping track of two phones at the same time can be tricky, but them both being exactly alike on the outside helps. He hasn’t been caught yet.

Isak opens the apartment group chat and sends a message, asking if it’s okay if Jonas crashes in his room for the weekend. Nobody sees the message. It’s not uncommon, Even and Eskild both have a life. Isak takes a screenshot of him asking and sends it to Jonas just to keep him quiet. He has to study.

As if he could focus on that now. His head is buzzing with opportunity. Even and Eskild might want to throw a house party for Jonas. They might suggest Isak invites his uni friends. If they don’t, Jonas will. He has been living two lives for just a couple of months, but he’s already tired of it. Maybe he could combine them? Maybe he could get rid of Issy and just be Isak. Gay, sort of social and occasionally grumpy Isak.

He knows he can’t. If his friends at the uni find out he has been someone else entirely, a carefully fabricated mask, they would ditch him from the group. Mags wouldn’t, because he is a fucking gem, but the others would. Oskar would take it personally, and the girls would follow his lead.

Besides, he needs Issy. He can’t go around hooking up with guys, but Issy can. It’s not really him. He’s not like that. He’s not a fucking skank, he doesn’t flirt with anyone and he sure as hell doesn’t have a stash of fake dicks in a box under his bed like some kind of depraved pervert.

The thought of letting Issy go is appealing, though. He could tell Jonas he likes boys. His deepest, darkest secret that he has kept from his best friend for years. It’s just that thinking about Jonas and liking boys at the same time makes him feel a bit nauseated.

He was so in love with Jonas. Probably because Jonas was always there. Falling for your best friend is understandable, he’s safe and lovely and you get along perfectly, understand each other from half a word. Then they graduated and Isak finally hooked up with a guy and realized Jonas wasn’t ever going to give him what he needed. Dick, to be precise.

Isak blushes at his thoughts. He’s embarrassed of his past self and his fantasies about Jonas and his dick. Touching it, letting it squirt on his face. Now that he thinks about Jonas, all he thinks about is how much he misses his company. It’s based on false memories, Isak knows. His being with Jonas wasn’t as effortless as he remembers it. It was riddled with horny confusion and fear of getting caught.

He’s sick and tired of that fear. He knows that’s why he hasn’t simply agreed to let Jonas stay here. There is no real need to ask anyone if they keep to themselves and don’t disturb the others. But they might say no, and the parts of Isak that aren’t Issy are hoping one of them would.

When Isak’s phone buzzes an hour or so later he still hasn’t read the article. He has, however, tested his knowledge on Disney movies (he sucks) and chosen one song to keep from every year in the nineties (he always chose the one he recognised), and watched more cooking hack videos than is reasonable for someone who never cooks anything. He hasn’t thought about Jonas, or Issy, or dicks, for about half of that hour, so he declares it time well spent.

_Is cool for Even and me_

Shit. Of course it is. Why would either of them have declined? Eskild has someone over every other night, and Even is barely ever outside his own room if he’s home. Isak doesn’t remember when he last saw Even, and that thought feels a bit funny somewhere deep inside him. Can you miss someone you don’t really know? Are you allowed to?

Probably not.

This isn’t the first time Isak feels things he’s not allowed to.

Isak does his best to not think about Eskild being somewhere with Even. They could be in the kitchen right now, having a cup of coffee or some ramen, or watching TV together. Isak can’t go look. He can’t handle Even right now. Not when he doesn’t know who he really is himself.

He turns the music off. It’s painfully obvious he’s not going to study today. He closes the lid of his laptop and curls up on his side on the bed, with his phone in his hand. He sends Jonas a message, letting him know that his roommates are okay with him coming over.

 _Fucking yes!_ __  
_Can’t wait_ _  
_ _I fucking miss you man_

Isak stares at his phone. He types the words, like he has done countless times before. Jonas I’m sorry. Jonas I can’t. Jonas I’m a fucking fag. Like countless times before, he erases them.

_Miss you too_


	9. Chapter 9

A knock on his door wakes Isak up. He fell asleep with his phone. He turns the screen on to give it a quick check. At least he hasn’t dm’d anyone half asleep, this time. That’s especially good since this is Isak’s phone, not Issy’s.

Another knock, louder this time.

“Put your dick back in your pants and open!” Eskild hollers through the door. Isak rolls his eyes, groaning.

“Fuck off!”

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to accomplish here. Open this door, now!”

Isak drags his ass out of the bed and walks to the door. He doesn’t open it yet.

“Are you threatening to assault me, creep?”

“You wish!” Eskild laughs. Then he stops laughing. “Ugh, inappropriate. Sorry.”

“Is cool”, Isak sighs. “What do you want?”

“I want to leave the house and go fuck a gorgeous piece of ass until he can’t remember his name.”

“Ew, TMI!”

“You asked!”

Isak leans his forehead on the door. Eskild is right, he did ask. Because he doesn’t know what’s good for him.

“Anyhoo, I’ve been slipping in his dms all day and would love to slip into his pants, but I have a responsibility in my hands. That’s where you come in.”

“In your hands? I’ll pass, you’re cute and all but I’m not into you.”

Eskild laughs again. He’s in a good mood. Why wouldn’t he be, on his way to a gorgeous piece of ass and slipping into things.

“Cute? I’ll take it. No, I need you to keep an eye on Even.”

Isak’s heart skips a beat, because it’s even more stupid than Isak is.

“What? Why?”

“I found him in my bed when I came home.”

Isak bites his lip hard enough to bring water in his eyes. Fucking ow. If Eskild hadn’t just told him he wants to leave the house, and thus his bed, in order to go fuck someone else, Isak would die of jealousy, because he’d be so jealous the power of that emotion alone would make it possible to die from an emotion. Like the creation willing itself into being.

“What?”

“Say ‘what’ again, I dare you! Motherfucker!”

“I double dare you to misquote the greatest movie ever made again. Motherfucker.”

“I’m sorry, some of us were making out on movie night instead of memorizing the lines like a nerd.”

“You should be sorry for making out during Pulp Fiction!” Isak’s brain is happy about the distraction, but his heart still remembers. Even was in Eskild’s bed, and he still doesn’t know why. “What’s the deal with Even?”

“He’s sick. He’s got quite a bit of fever, and I’d rather not leave him unsupervised for long periods of time. Congratulations, baby gay, you got signed up for nurse duty.”

“Don’t call me that!”

“You’re gay, right? And you’re a baby. It’s an accurate description, and thus valid, and you forgot to say yes sir.”

Isak bites his lip again. Even is sick. He needs to be taken care of. Isak can’t take care of a cactus. Even probably won’t need to be watered, though, and he might be better at communicating his needs than a plant. Maybe.

“What’s in it for me?”

Even. Even is in it for him, but Eskild doesn’t know that. It’s important that Eskild won’t find out, either. He’d be so pissed off at the chance of the house dynamics getting disrupted. Eskild lives for drama, but he prefers to be one causing it.

“You’ll get rid of me, for one. And uh. Good karma! Helping your fellow men and all.”

“I need to study”, Isak tries, but his attempt lacks gusto.

“You can study at the same time. Just keep your door open, and mine, so you can hear if Even needs anything. And keep the music low, Even needs to sleep. He probably won’t bother you all night, I gave him some painkillers fifteen minutes ago and he passed out again.”

Isak’s mouth is feeling parched. Open doors. A passed out Even. Isak could take a little peek passing Eskild’s room on his way to the kitchen, and on his way back, just checking in on him. Watching him sleep. He must look like an angel.

“Fine, I’ll do your housework for the rest of the week?”

Okay, that piece of ass must really be something else. And Isak finally has an offer he can accept without raising suspicion.

“Deal. You remember I’m on bathroom duty this week, right?”

“Fuck! I did not.” Eskild groans, loud. Then his phone buzzes. “Okay, gotta go. Don’t wait up, and tell Even he can use my bed for the rest of the night.”

“How sick is he? Is he going to die?”

“It’s just a cold”, Eskild reassures. “He’ll be fine in a couple of days. If he rests like a good boy. Make sure he doesn’t leave the bed.”

Isak is so happy about the door between them, blocking Eskild from seeing how deep crimson he’s blushing. How many times has he dreamed about Even not leaving the bed on his watch?

“Thanks, Isak. Thanks a million. Bye!”

Isak can hear the apartment door open and close so fast that Eskild must have been wearing his shoes and jacket already when he came knocking. Cocky bitch.

Right. The door. He should open the door. Isak puts his hand on the lock. He’s suddenly awfully thirsty. He simply has to go get some water.

Isak passes Eskild’s room slowly. He can’t go too fast or the sound of his steps might wake Even up. Even needs to sleep. Eskild said it’s important. It’s dark in the room, and Isak can see only a human shaped lump curled up under the covers. He swallows his disappointment and goes into the kitchen to fetch his water. He takes the smallest glass he can find, that’s not a shot glass because that would be ridiculously obvious, and when he returns with it he just has to stop at Eskild’s door to take a closer look.

It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust. Then he makes out Even’s profile. His face is relaxed, fully, in deep sleep, and just as Isak suspected, it’s angelic. He doesn’t remember ever seeing Even’s face like this. This peaceful. Now that he has the baseline he can tell that he has never seen Even without seeing at least a little bit of pain.

He hasn’t seen Even that many times. Maybe Even looks like this all the time, Isak just hasn’t been around to see it.

It’s so easy to imagine. Even looking like this in the bed next to him, when Isak has woken up before him, after a night of lovemaking, not fucking. The air in the room would be hot and heavy and Isak wouldn’t mind, he would just lie there watching Even sleep, content and happy to simply be there, sharing that moment of peace.

Isak has no idea how long he’s been standing here. He blinks, slowly, and looks at the glass he is holding. He tastes the water. It’s not really cold anymore. Shit. It was a long one this time. He’s been having long ones a lot lately, much more than usually.

Issy is demanding his space. That will not do. Especially with Jonas coming over, and Magnus noticing his blackouts. Isak has to get a fucking grip, and he has to do it soon. He empties his glass and hurries back into the kitchen. He knows how he can get himself together. All he needs is something with a blade.


	10. Chapter 10

Magnus doesn’t remember when someone actually called him. That’s why he’s confused and startled at first when his phone just keeps buzzing on the table in a steady rhythm, over and over again. It takes him a couple of seconds to understand what’s actually happening, and then he almost drops his phone when he’s trying to figure out how to pick a call up. He puts it on speaker. He’s home alone.

“Hello?”

“Hi, it’s me. Issy.” Issy sounds agitated. Why is he calling instead of sending a message?

“Already miss me? I left just hours ago.” Magnus bites on the inside of his cheek for making that joke. He did reject Issy, and no matter how lightly one makes fun of it afterwards, it always stings, too.

As expected, Issy doesn’t laugh.

“I need help.”

Magnus takes the phone in his hand and holds it firmly. It makes no difference to anything, but it gives him a sense of being on top of the issue, whatever it might be.

“What can I do?”

He doesn’t even consider refusing. His friend needs help, boom, he’s in action mode, ready to do whatever needs to be done. No questions asked. What’s in it for him? Getting to help a friend, that’s what. It’s the decent thing to do. It’s the right thing to do, and doing the right thing is important.

“I need stitches”, Issy says, and Magnus’ heart stops beating for a split second. Stitches. Why would Issy need stitches? Magnus can hear it in his voice. The pain. The shame. He swallows every single question his mind is shooting at Issy. There will be time for them later.

“Do you need a ride to the emergency clinic? Money for the cab? Should I meet you there?”

“No, no.” Issy sounds absentminded. “It’s not that bad. I’m not bleeding out or anything, it just won’t stop and I’m running out of bandages.”

“Okay. Good. That’s good.” Magnus can breathe normally again. Issy is not in danger. Just facing an inconvenience. “Please, Issy, I need you to tell me what I can do.”

“Shit. Wait.” Issy puts the phone away and Magnus can hear him move and cuss. He focuses his eyes on the pattern of the wood on the table in front of him, just to give his brain something to do while he’s waiting. He looks for mountains and valleys, a hidden scenery, like he’s done as a kid. When all he could do was wait until his mother finally managed to get herself together and they could go.

“Sorry, I was dripping on the floor. I need you to come here and look after Even while I’m gone.”

Okay. That’s. That’s surprisingly complicated. Too many questions arise at once. You must decide which one is the most pressing, and quickly, when the person you’re talking with is bleeding all over the floor.

“Why?”

“Eskild left him with me so he could go fuck some twink or something. But I must go to the ER and I have no idea how long that will take. Can you come over?”

“Yes. Of course. Do I need to bring anything?”

“I’m taking my charger with me. We have no food in the house. Other than that, I don’t think so.”

“Okay. I’ll be right there.”

Magnus checks his battery after the call ends. He’d better get take a charger with him. Food? He has lost his appetite completely. He can order something in to feed himself and possibly Even. He really wishes he knew more about Even, though. Is he a kid? An animal? A house plant? No, not a plant, no plant needs a babysitter. Issy has never mentioned a pet, and Mags didn’t see one earlier today, but Eskild could have brought one with him and dumped it on Isak.

Oh, Magnus wishes so hard it would be a puppy.

Issy lets Magnus in and rushes out the door. He’s holding his arm above his head, probably to control the bleeding. He isn’t looking pale. That’s good.

“The keys are on that little table there. I’ll let you know when I find out when I’ll get out. Even is asleep.” Issy stops at the top of the stairs and turns to look at Magnus. “Thank you.”

Then Issy starts running downstairs and Magnus realizes he forgot to ask about Even. Well. He’s about to find out. He hurries to close the door so the possible puppy won’t run away. To his disappointment he doesn’t see a leash anywhere. Magnus takes his shoes, coat, scarf and hat off and walks slowly into the apartment. It feels a bit like trespassing, being here without Issy.

Maybe Even is a cat? A cute fluffy thing, curled up on a pillow. He might get scared if he sees Magnus, a stranger, in his home. Magnus better be careful. He can’t rush around in his search, he must stay calm and move slowly. He decides to start his search from the living room.

On his way there he passes an open door. He hears heavy breathing, and stops walking. Even sounds like a big animal. Bigger than a cat. Bigger than a puppy. Magnus peers into the darkness. He sees a bed, and something on it -- no. Someone. Even is definitely not a puppy. He’s not a cat either, nor a kid.

He’s an angel.

No.

He’s a god.

Magnus has never seen someone that beautiful in his life. He can only stare at the sleeping young man, in silent awe. This is it, he thinks, through the rose gold haze in his brain. He has sensed for a while now that he has been waiting for something to happen, something that would give him a feeling of clarity, and this is exactly the moment he has been expecting.

He still isn’t sure if he’s into guys as a concept. But he is definitely, absolutely, into Even. That’s just stupid, because he doesn’t know anything about him. He thought he was a puppy! What if Even is terribly racist, or into dubstep, or has a voice like Mickey Mouse? It’s not right to imagine everything about Even being perfect simply based on how beautiful he is. Beautiful people are assholes, too.

“Oh dear”, Magnus half whispers, half sighs. This is going to be so embarrassing, and complicated. Many things worth working for are. Magnus leans his shoulder on the doorframe and looks at Even. He is beautiful. But there is more to it. Magnus has seen beautiful boys before. There’s something about Even, something special, that makes Magnus feel a bit weak at the knees and warm at the bottom of his belly. He can’t wait to get to know it better.

Wait. That’s a huge  _ if _ isn’t it?  _ If _ he gets to know it better. If he gets to know Even better. He doesn’t know if Even has any interest in spending any time at all with him. He also doesn’t know if Even is into guys. Issy is. And Eskild is, based on what Issy told Mags about him, fucking some twink - the lewd phrasing makes Magnus blush - and all. So, it is more likely than usually that Even would be into guys as well.

Mags looks around the dark room. Sequined clothes. Pride flag on the wall. A feathered boa. Platform heeled glitter covered go-go boots in the corner. Magnus really shouldn’t be reading too much into things like fashion choices and sexuality, but he can’t help thinking that it’s pretty certain Even is gay.

He looks at Even again, because he has to. He jumps, startled, when he notices a pair of blue eyes looking back at him.


	11. Chapter 11

It’s really not fair that Even is feeling this terrible after a night of so moderate drinking. As if the longest walk of shame known to man wasn’t enough punishment already. His legs are killing him even though he’s not on them, his head is all clogged up and his whole body is burning up and freezing at the same time. He misses Eskild’s body, only because of the warmth and comfort.

For a second he thinks Eskild is at the room’s door looking at him. It’s dark in the room and the light coming from behind is making it hard to tell the features of the guy standing there, but then Even suddenly recognises him. It’s the guy Isak hooked up with last night. And he looks awfully lot like he just got caught. Even raises his head, just a little bit, very slowly.

“Can I help you?”

Even must be hallucinating because of his fever, but it looks like the guy flinches. It also sounds like he makes a groan under his breath. Then he pulls himself together and flashes Even a grinnish smile.

“Hi. I’m Magnus. Issy asked me to take care of you.”

Even’s heart sinks.  _ Issy. _ That’s so. Affectionate. This is definitely not just a simple hookup. He missed his chance, and it’s his own fault. He has lived with Isak for months, and barely talked to him. He should have known Isak would not be waiting around for him, because why the hell would he have?

“Uh. Hi.” Even is surprised at the amount of effort keeping his head up is actually taking. Less than he expected. Maybe he’s not going to die after all. “What happened to Eskild?”

Magnus blushes. Maybe. It’s hard to tell with the backlighting.

“According to Issy, he’s uh. With someone. Intimately.”

Even can’t help it. He laughs. That’s just so rich, the guy who has spent all night fucking Isak calls it  _ being intimate. _ He got Isak’s type so, so wrong, it seems. The face Magnus makes at Even’s laughter makes him stop laughing.

“Yes, that sounds like Eskild. He was voted ‘most likely to ditch his sick friend for a quick fuck’ three years in a row.”

Magnus giggles. Then he looks horrified because he just giggled. He reminds Even of a puppy, and that just makes his heart sink down further. He would have been exactly Isak’s type.

Wait.

“Where’s Isak?”

“Issy? He’s uh.” Magnus looks weird all of a sudden. Reluctant. Even has kept enough secrets himself to recognise one, especially on a face that’s as open as Magnus’. “He had to go take care of something. He left me in charge. How are you feeling?”

“Terrible”, Even sighs. He rests his head back down. “Thirsty?”

Magnus disappears so quickly he almost leaves a little dust cloud on the spot he was standing. Even can hear him open and close the cupboards in the kitchen. He is grateful for the little break. He presses his face into Eskild’s pillow and makes a frustrated semi-scream. Isak could have been his.

_ For two weeks. Then he would have seen the real you and dumped your fucked up ass. _

It would have been the best two weeks of his life. Even is feeling too sick to beat himself up further. He’s suffering enough physically, he doesn’t need further punishment. This time.

“Here.”

Oh. Magnus has returned. He is holding a mug. Even takes it. It’s much easier to drink out of when lying down than from a glass. Magnus has done this before. Even empties the mug with greedy gulps. Magnus hurries back to the kitchen to fill it up again, twice, and after the third portion Even puts the mug on the side table with the vodka bottle. Right. He already had water here.

He also should have considered the fact he can’t walk before emptying three cups of water in a row. Fuck.

“Do you need anything else? Painkillers? Food? There isn’t any in the house but I can order something, I have an app for that.”

Even is so not feeling like crawling around on all fours with Isak’s boyfriend watching.

_ Everyone knows how pathetic you are anyway. _

_ I have an app for that? _ Really, Magnus? Fuck, he’s an idiot! He can only hope Even doesn’t remember this conversation later, that he’s sick enough to forget how absolutely not cool Magnus is. He’s the polar opposite of cool. Mister Antifreeze.

“I don’t have an appetite, really”, Even says. Magnus could listen to that voice all night. It makes his chest resonate, or maybe it’s just his heart fluttering.

“Okay. Anything else?” Magnus just wants to make Even feel better, in any way he can. Any way at all.

Even turns his eyes away. Magnus is suddenly very much aware of the fact that he is inside Even’s room, by his bed, practically uninvited. He had to come to bring water, but he didn’t have to stay. Even probably wants some peace and quiet and is too polite to ask for it.

“Should I leave you alone? Let you sleep?”

Even does look tired. Exhausted. Magnus wants to make it better, desperately.

“I could sleep”, Even sighs. He curls up tighter inside his blankets and looks at Magnus from under his brow. Magnus does his best to not look disappointed and to seem like he is willing to help, whatever it takes. He should probably leave, but Even appears to be wanting to say something.

“I can’t walk.” Magnus must have misheard. Even turns his eyes away. “I need to go to the bathroom, but my legs don’t work right now.”

“I’m pretty strong”, Magnus says, to his horror. What is he suggesting, that he’ll carry Even to the bathroom on his arms like a fairytale prince? How ridiculous can he get?

“I’m super tall”, Even says. “Eskild calls me a giraffe. I suppose he’s not wrong.”

Oh, oh dear. Of course Even is tall. Of course. Magnus wants to touch him, desperately, and he is really despicable to be taking advantage of Even’s predicament like this.

“So is Issy. I’ve helped him home from a bar crawl, I had to practically carry him for a couple of blocks. We came up with a system.”

Even looks suspicious. He is correct. Magnus should care about it more. Instead, he asks Even to sit up on the edge of the bed and turns his back on him when he does. He grouches, so Even can reach.

“Wrap your arms around my shoulders, one arm over the shoulder line and the other one under my arm.” Even follows the instructions, and Magnus grabs his arms. “Now, on three, get up. Don’t worry about holding your weight, I’ve got you.”

On three Magnus pulls Even up with him. Even’s chest presses against his back, and it almost makes him forget how to breathe. He has to keep breathing, he is straining and his muscles need the oxygen.

“Ready? Here we go.” Magnus starts walking. He drags Even into the bathroom and helps him sit down on the toilet. At least he has the decency to leave Even alone to take care of his business. He closes the bathroom door and leans his hands on it, his head bent down, his eyes closed, his heart racing. He can do this. He has to. Even needs him, and nothing could make him happier.


	12. Chapter 12

Isak really isn’t feeling like going back home, and at the same time it’s all he wants to do. Spending four hours waiting at the ER is not exactly his idea of a good time. Bringing the charger with him was an excellent idea. At least he didn’t get bored to death while waiting.

He needed three stitches. The nurse was as sympathetic as he could while stitching up some stupid kid who had obviously hurt himself on purpose, taking up time from someone who actually needed care. If he just focused on what he was doing he wouldn’t have picked that particular knife. It isn’t sharp enough, and he knows it. At least Issy is at bay now. Isak is too tired and annoyed and frustrated for him. It’s safe to go home.

Magnus is already wearing his shoes, coat, hat and scarf. Isak feels terrible for making him do this, and he can understand why Magnus can’t wait to get away. He probably has a million better things to do.

“I’m so sorry about this”, Isak says, and hopes Magnus doesn’t notice it’s him. Magnus is seeming absentminded enough. He barely looks at Isak.

“It’s okay. I’m happy to help.”

“You really are a saint.”

Magnus chuckles, blushing.

“Hardly. Sorry, I must go now. See you.”

Magnus practically runs out the door. Isak is feeling so guilty. He was given a simple task, and he couldn’t handle it. Yet now he finds it in front of him again. Eskild’s door is open. It looks like a big black mouth, ready to devour him any moment.

Isak takes off his winter clothes and walks slowly towards the open door. He has to check. Magnus didn’t tell him anything about Even’s status. That of course means also that there’s nothing to report, but still. It’s also polite to let Even know the shift has changed.

“Even?” Isak half whispers. He might be sleeping.

“Isak?”

Hearing Even say his name makes Isak feel a bit weak at the knees. It feels like a magnet. It’s pulling him, and Isak is tired enough to follow that strength. He walks further in, closer, towards Even. He can’t stop. He looks at Even, who has curled up in the blankets.

“Hi. I’m back.”

“Hi”, Even mumbles. He look so small in that bed. Fragile.

“Was Mags good to you?”

Even nods.

“He’s a great guy.”

“The greatest”, Isak agrees. “I won’t be able to live up to his performance.”

“Pretty sure nobody can.” Even yawns, and runs his fingers through his hair. Isak’s eyes get caught in the movement. “Could I ask you a favour?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“I don’t know where my phone is. I think it’s in my pants pocket, but I’m not sure where my pants are.”

Isak’s heart is racing. Even has removed his pants. Or have someone remove them for him. Is he naked under those covers? In his underwear? He should not be thinking about Naked Even, or underwear Even, or any kind of Even at all. He should be looking for Even’s phone.

He sees a pile on the floor by the bed. On top of it, a pair of underwear. It can be Eskild’s, but it’s more likely to be Even’s, and Isak is really trying to not think about pantsless Even because he has to actually function right now. He reaches down for the jeans beneath the underwear and goes through the pockets. The phone is in the pocket, the same one as two condoms.

“Got it”, Isak mutters. He hands the phone over to Even, who licks his lips quickly.

“It’s out of battery.”

Isak looks around. As he expected, Eskild has a charger plugged in by the bed. He sticks it in the phone.

“There. That should do it.”

“Thank you. I’ve been sleeping all day and night and I’m getting sick of it.”

“I can imagine.” Isak doesn’t know where to put his hands. He shoves them in his pockets. “Anything else you need?”

“I’m good. Thanks. Magnus ordered pizza, I think there’s some left in the fridge.”

“Bless him”, Isak sighs. Now that he thinks about it, he’s starving. The only problem here is that he doesn’t want to leave Even’s bedside. “I should probably leave you alone now.”

“Thank you for the phone”, Even says. He turns it on. The light illuminates his face. That paleness is almost otherworldly. Isak wishes he could take a picture of it, but he can come up with no excuse.

Isak forces his legs to move. He drags his ass out of Eskild’s room and into the kitchen. He takes a slice of pizza, tearing it with his hands. No knives for him tonight, not anymore. He’s not going back to the ER now. Mags will disown him if he has to come back here.

At least the pizza is decent. Nothing weird on it, just some ham and pepperoni. It’s wonderfully greasy and salty, and Isak devours the whole slice standing up in the kitchen. He takes another slice and finishes it in less than a minute.

Isak is walking towards his room when he simply has to stop by Eskild’s door.

“How are you feeling?”

Even looks up from his phone.

“A bit better. I think I might be able to make it to the bathroom on my own next time.”

Isak laughs a little, surprised. Next time. That implies there has been times Even hasn’t made it on his own. Isak is immediately jealous at Magnus, who must have been helping Even. Lucky bastard.

“Don’t hesitate to ask if you need help. I probably can’t sleep anyway, you can text me or call my name or something.”

Even looks at him, curious. Isak wishes he would ask. Not because he is looking forward to coming up with an explanation, but because he wants to keep talking to Even. To keep hearing his voice. Even doesn’t ask, he only nods.

“Okay.”

Isak switches his weight from one leg to the other one. He has no reason to stay standing here.

“I’ll be in my room. I’m leaving the door open.”

“Actually, could you close this door? You can close yours too. If I need something I’ll text you, now that I have my phone.”

Isak nods. He looks at the door. He doesn’t want to close it. It will take away his chance to take a look at Even as he passes by.

Then again, that’s probably exactly the reason Even wants it closed. He’s sick, he has spent the night with Magnus, he must have had enough human interaction for the rest of the night that’s getting close to the morning anyway.

“Okay. Don’t hesitate to ask for anything. I’m not sleepy at all.”

Even looks directly at Isak for long enough to make Isak’s skin tingle all over.

“You look sleepy.”

“No. I look tired. That’s not the same thing.”

Even nods slowly.

“True. I’ll text you if I need you, I promise.”

“Good.” Isak forces himself to grab the door handle and pull it. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

Isak closes the door and goes to his room. He leaves his own door cracked.


	13. Chapter 13

When Isak opens his eyes he isn’t feeling like he has slept at all. He must have, because he has lost like five hours, and he is fairly certain Issy hasn’t taken over or anything. It’s not like that when he blacks out anyway. It’s more like getting stuck to a thought, a fantasy, and then living it in his head instead of living in the real world. He doesn’t remember thinking about anything for a long time. He must have slept.

The pain in his arm shoots up again. It must have woken him up. He sits up, slowly, and hisses. He decides to skip the painkillers. Pain keeps Issy at bay. Focusing on pain helps Isak to stay in control. He doesn’t have time for elaborate gay fantasies when he’s hurting.

He checks his phone. No messages from Even, or anyone else. For a second Isak feels really lonely. Then he remembers that being by himself is exactly what he needs right now. A break from everyone. Mags and the others, Even, Issy, snarky nurses. It’s just him. It’s good.

Isak needs to visit the bathroom. He walks to the door and listens for a moment. He can’t hear anything. He pushes the door open slowly. Eskild’s door is closed. The bathroom is vacant. Isak sneaks in there as quietly as he can, just in case Even has fallen asleep after all. He is sick. Sick people need a lot of sleep.

Isak sort of drifts to Eskild’s door on his way back to his room. He stares at it, like he could will it to open. Of course, he can’t. It stays closed. Even stays out of his reach. It’s probably for the best. He’s just worried, that’s all. Even is sick and needs someone to care for him, and Isak missed his opportunity because he is an idiot.

He is holding his phone. He unlocks the screen and types a message.

_ While I’m up and about, need anything? _

He stands there, waiting for an answer. He’s keeping an eye on the screen, just in case the message would turn from sent to seen. He knows he is pathetic. It doesn’t matter. There’s nobody here to witness his downfall.

The tiny symbol changes. From sent to seen. It makes Isak’s heart make a little twirl in his chest. Even has seen his message! They have a connection! Isak brushes his fingers over his bandage to give himself something to focus on in the real world. He can’t disappear now. Even might need him.

Seconds seem to stretch out into minutes while Isak waits for Even’s response. He isn’t even typing. He has seen the message, but hasn’t responded to it in any way. Is that something Isak should be worried about?

_ Are you okay? _

Seen. No response. Isak bites on his lip for a moment, to consider, and decides that if Even doesn’t respond in one minute, he will open the door and take a look. Just to make sure Even is okay. That he’s not paralyzed or having some kind of a seizure or something. Isak isn’t a medical expert, he has no idea how plausible those scenarios are. He’s just waiting for a minute to pass.

Even is typing. Isak is excited and disappointed, and can’t decide which he’s feeling stronger.

_ All good _

That’s it. It’s not even a whole sentence. But it’s a text, nothing serious. It doesn’t need to be in proper form. Even doesn’t owe him anything simply because he’s craving for it. But all is good, and Isak can return to his room. He doesn’t answer Even’s message. It’s obvious Even isn’t feeling like having a conversation.

This time Isak closes his door. He crawls back in his bed and puts his phone away. He closes his eyes and finally lets his mind wander. It heads directly for Eskild’s room, and a text message Even never sent him.

_ I could use a cuddle _

Issy laughs. A cuddle?! That sure is something. Isak tells him to fuck off, this is his fantasy and not Issy’s. This is something he wants for himself, and Issy can keep his filthy paws off it. That’s the deal. Issy can go and have his fun with other guys, but Even is Isak’s, and Isak wants to cuddle.

So, in his fantasy, he goes into Eskild’s room. He smiles at Even, a bit shy, and Even smiles back at him. He doesn’t turn the lights on, but can still see Even clearly. Even is like shining a light of his own, and Isak follows it all the way into the bed. Even raises the blankets, and Isak can see that yes, he is indeed naked.

Isak turns on his side on his own bed, his back to the door. He is breathing slower and pressing his thighs lightly together. He is getting turned on by this, and it feels so naughty. He’s not supposed to think about naked boys this way. He can’t stop, either.

It’s so warm under Even’s blanket. Isak hesitates, but slowly wraps his arm around Even’s body. Even wanted cuddles. They can share the same pillow now that they’re this close to each other. Their noses are almost touching. Even raises his hand up on Isak’s chin and draws the curve of his lip with the tip of his index finger.

“Better?” Isak manages to whisper. Even nods, humming.

Isak can’t decide who he wants to kiss first. He skips that bit and goes directly to the kiss. It’s a good kiss. A great kiss. Even’s lips are so soft and plump, like ripe fruit, and his mouth tastes wonderful.

Isak presses his hand between his legs. He can feel how hard he is, through his pants. It makes him sigh softly. He can imagine it’s someone else’s dick he’s touching, that it’s someone else’s hand on his dick. Like Even’s. Especially Even’s.

He shouldn’t be doing this. He is going too far. This is crossing the line. He is having sexual fantasies about his roommate, and that’s not cool in any way. He should stop. He can’t stop. He presses harder with his palm and draws a little sharp breath. Even has such big, beautiful hands. Lovely long fingers. They could reach every bit of Isak’s body, absolutely everywhere, with ease.

Isak is panting softly, on his side on the bed, his hand inside his underwear, when he hears a door. He stops moving. He stops breathing. It’s not the front door, so it can only be one person. The very one he is having a filthy fantasy about, because he is a horrible person. Isak pulls his hand slowly out of his pants and listens.

Even is dragging his feet. He is moving slowly, and murmuring a silent  _ fuck _ every now and then. He sounds like he’s in serious pain, and like he is straining himself. He could have asked Isak for help, but he didn’t. He has let Magnus help him, maybe Eskild too, but not Isak. Does he know what Isak is doing?

For a split second Isak is certain Even knows. It’s a horrible moment, black as his wicked soul, and he’s staring into the abyss inside him, helplessly. Then he understands that Even can’t know, there’s no way he has any idea, and somehow that is making Isak feel even worse.

Even makes it to the bathroom. Isak wipes his palm on his sheets. His hand is clean, but it doesn’t feel like it is. It feels sticky, just like the rest of him, permanently stained by all the dicks Issy has made come on Isak’s hands or face. Isak has let that happen. He can blame Issy all he wants, but he has let Issy out. It’s all on him. All the filth, all the dirt, every drop of sin.


	14. Chapter 14

Even is so happy to be reunited with his phone. He has checked all his notifications and browsed his Instagram all the way to the end of the feed when he finally gives his eyes a rest. That was exactly what he needed. A break from the reality, a little escape into the virtual. Sweet, sweet short spanned stimulus.

He is also happy that Magnus left. Even was worried Mags would stay in Isak’s room for the night. That he would spend his time listening to the sounds of kissing and sex, while pretending he’s not listening to them, still desperate to hear each and every breath. Magnus is a sweetheart, and Even should be happy that Isak has found someone like him, but there is one flaw in Mags that Even can’t bring himself to forgive, ever.

Magnus is not him.

He should be with Isak. He could be with Isak. If there wasn’t a Magnus, and Even might be many things, but he’s not a homewrecker. Especially since he still doesn’t actually know if he could, say, get it up with a boy. In his fantasies he can, and thinking about having sex with a guy makes him hard, but it’s not the same as the real thing.

Ah. Speak of the devil. Even squirms a bit under his blanket. He’s too tired for this. Too heartbroken, too jealous. His legs are too sore. He waits, without doing anything, for his dick to go soft again, but nothing is happening. It stays hard. If possible, the wait is making it harder. It’s making it ache, more than his legs are aching. For fuck’s sake.

Even pushes his thumb under the waistband of the pyjama pants and eases it down. He’s not planning on doing anything, he’s just trying to give his dick some space. Maybe the friction of the fabric is keeping it up. It’s simple enough to find out. Even sighs softly as his dick springs out to freedom.

It’s not helping.

It’s not helping at all.

Even takes his phone in his hand again. He checks when Isak was last active. An hour ago. Isak is always active, unless he’s in class or asleep. He must be asleep, then. All alone in his bed, which probably still smells like the sex he had with Magnus last night, while Even was walking home from the middle of nowhere.

If Magnus only wasn’t so nice. It’s super hard to hate him. He’s so nice.

He’s so nice that when Even thinks about him pressing Isak under him and kissing him, he’s not angry. He’s only jealous, and kind of devastated, but he’s not angry. Unlike him, Magnus deserves Isak. Magnus would never try to hook up with a married stranger and -- oh. Right. Even is many things,  _ including _ a homewrecker, at least technically. He would have gone all the way, in the same bed that man makes love to his wife, he would have looked at the family photos on the wall and pretended he doesn’t care. He would have gone through with it, if he hadn’t fucked up and panicked.

Even tries to focus on how fucked up and stupid he is. He can’t. Images of him in that car under that man keep pushing into his brain, and then he is replaced by Isak, sweet beautiful Isak, on his back in the back seat, then the man on top of him is gone and all Even sees, all he thinks about, is Isak. Not a boy. Not a man. Isak. Just Isak.

It’s too late to consider. He has crossed the line already, with his thoughts, with his hardness. He is in Eskild’s bed, thinking about Isak, and he should be ashamed of himself but he has done that so much lately it’s becoming the new normal. He barely notices it. It’s like a background noise, a constantly blowing breeze, eroding him bit by bit but slowly enough for him to not pay any attention to what’s happening.

He wraps his fingers around his dick. Slowly. He moves his hand. Slower. He inhales, exhales, in the rhythm of the motion that travels up and down his aching dick. He needs the endorphins. Just a quick little wank, to get rid of the urge, to release the pressure, and then he will sleep for a bit more.

It doesn’t take long. He moves his hand faster, his eyes closed and his mind set on Isak because he can’t think about anything else anyway, and he comes inside his palm. He’s gathering his breath for a moment, his cheeks flushed, his forehead sweaty. He brings his hand to his mouth and licks it clean, because he has nowhere else to put it. He doesn’t enjoy the taste, but it’s manageable.

Fuck, he’s disgusting. He yanks his pants back up and pulls the covers tighter around himself. He’s a fucking creep. A pathetic wanker. Isak would be appalled if he knew. He can never know. To that thought, Even falls asleep.

His phone wakes him up. It’s buzzing right next to his ear, and he unlocks the screen and checks out the message before he has had proper time to think about it. It’s Isak. Even is staring at his name on the screen, unable to read the words beneath it. He doesn’t remember what he just dreamed about, but Isak was there, and his mushy brain is getting super confused. Isak’s name on the screen is becoming Isak’s presence in the room, and if he’s in the room, he knows what Even has done, because he can probably smell it.

Seconds stretch into minutes. Even is like in a trance. He is holding his phone and staring at it, and when the screen starts to get dimmer he taps at it with his thumb to keep Isak’s name clearly visible. He jumps as his phone buzzes again. He should probably actually read the messages.

_ While I’m up and about, need anything? _

Well, yes. He needs something. He needs so many things, and he doesn’t have the right to any of them. The memory of what he has done makes his ears glow red and hot. Disgusting.

_ Are you okay? _

Shit. The door is not locked. If Isak decides Even needs help, or to check if he does, he could open it and be hit right in the face with the thick air of pathetic heat. Even’s pathetic heat. Even has to stop him, so he types as quickly as he can.

_ All good _

Really? That’s. Impressively bad. It’s like he didn’t even try. But it works. He can hear Isak’s steps get away from the door. Shit, that was close. Too close. He has to pay more attention to what he’s doing, and when, and especially where.

This time Isak closes his door. Even tries his best to not read too much into it. Isak doesn’t know what he did, and he isn’t punishing Even for anything by closing the door. He is probably just going to sleep.

Even checks his Instagram again. He taps his way through some stories. They’re a bit boring without the sound on, but he doesn’t want to disrupt Isak’s possible sleep. It’s ridiculously late, and Isak must be tired after spending so much time at the hospital. Even could smell it when Isak came home. He hates the smell of hospitals and the ER, and he recognised it immediately.

Should he have asked Isak about it? He probably should have, but he wanted to get rid of Isak before he said or did anything stupid. He invited Eskild in the bed with him earlier, and there was no way to know what he would have asked for if given the chance. Even hides his head under the covers and sighs, in relief and frustration. He got away with everything. This time. His luck will run out sooner or later. He will get caught. Probably with his pants down, quite literally.


	15. Chapter 15

Monday mornings haven’t always been Isak’s enemies. When he lived with his parents, they meant the start of another five days he got out of the house. Five days he could see his friends. Five days of the sweet torture of hanging out with Jonas. Now that Isak is living on his own, Mondays have become heavier. Especially after a weekend like this one, that has been filled up to the brim with other people and their company.

Taking that into account, it’s no wonder Isak isn’t too keen on the idea of hanging out with Mags after classes. Even is still sick, and Isak is worried about him, but he also knows it’s not the greatest idea to bother him constantly with his own neediness disguised into taking care of Even. And when he’s not bothering Even, he’s constantly thinking about him, listening to the sounds of the apartment, his hearing extra keen for the door to Even’s room. Even migrated there when Eskild returned home from this sexy adventures.

So, no matter how not into it Isak was, he agreed to meet Mags for some coffee after classes. As soon as they got to the coffee shop, Mags disappeared into the bathroom. Isak has been waiting for quite some time now, and if Mags doesn’t come back soon he’s going to have to go check if something’s wrong. He doesn’t want to. What if something is wrong, and he’s going to have to do something about it?

Luckily, Magnus returns. He’s looking super weird, which doesn’t bode well on the doing something front. There appears to be an issue at hand, an issue that’s making Magnus upset and excited at the same time. The pool of issues like that is rather shallow. Isak pushes his shoulders back and pulls a smile on his lips. It’s time for Issy to take over.

“You took your time. Did you find a glory hole?”

Magnus almost laughs. For a split second Isak thinks Mags did find one. But this is the closest coffee shop to the uni, and if there was a glory hole in here, Issy would have heard of it by now. There would be a rumor that he’s the one who made the hole in the first place.

“No, no. I was just thinking. It didn’t do much good, I still don’t know what I should say.”

Issy cocks his head, still smiling. There’s no reason to be that gloomy, Mags. Everything is just fine, isn’t it?

“That’s uncharacteristic of you. Usually you just say it, whatever it is that needs to be said. That’s one of my favourite things about you.” Mags wears his heart on his sleeve. So brave. So trusting.

Magnus blushes. He’s pleased about the compliment.

“I suppose you’re right. It’s just. Weird. I have been trying to figure this out on my own, but I can’t. And I know it’s kind of a dick move of me to bring you into this, considering what happened on the weekend, but I don’t want to talk about this to anyone else but you.” Magnus sighs. He looks up at Issy, a bit shy. “I guess I’m trying to say I’m sorry?”

Issy nods slowly. He doesn’t quite understand what Magnus is being sorry about. Something, an instinct, is telling him he doesn’t want to know, either, but Mags isn’t really giving him a choice. He’s too much of a sweetheart to be turned down at a moment of need. Magnus is such a good friend, he inspires others to be better friends too.

“Sorry about what, boo?”

Magnus makes a face. An uncomfortable one.

“I’d rather you stop calling me boo, or honey or sweetie and such”, Magnus confesses. Issy nods. Of course. After what happened on the weekend, it’s obviously awkward. He should have figured that much out himself.

“Sorry. It stops now.”

“Thank you.” Magnus is squirming in his seat. Issy waits for him to get his mind back on track. His coffee was cold to begin with, though it is considered weird to order an iced latte in October.

Finally, Magnus sighs. He blushes, deep crimson, all the way down to his neck.

“I think I like someone”, he mumbles. “A boy. I’m so sorry!”

Issy nods. He almost thought Magnus is talking about him, at first. But when he really thinks about it, it’s obviously not the case. Magnus likes someone else.

“That sounds great”, Issy says, smiling. “Liking someone is always nice. Does he like you back?”

“I don’t know”, Magnus whines. “I barely know him.”

It’s the way Magnus keeps looking at him and looking away. It’s how guilty Mags is looking. A cold stone sets in the bottom of Isak’s belly, but Issy keeps smiling.

“Is it perhaps someone you met recently? Say, last weekend?”

Please no. Please, please, please, no. Isak hasn’t asked for much in his life but he is asking for this, from the bottom of his heart. Please, Mags. No.

“Maybe”, Magnus mumbles. Isak’s heart sinks, to make company for the stone. It turns into one as well. There they lie, side be side, two pieces of lifeless rock, hard and heavy, deep inside Isak.

Magnus likes Even.

Isak really can’t blame him, can he? Even is very likable, and it’s not Magnus’ fault Isak hasn’t had the guts to approach him. It’s obvious someone like Even wouldn’t be available for long, especially for someone like Isak. For Issy, maybe, but he hasn’t met Issy.

“I’m sorry I don’t like you like that”, Magnus whispers. Issy laughs, quietly, just a bit. Oh, Mags. You don’t know how much Isak is hurting, you have no idea why. You’re never going to find out. Issy will be by your side, supporting you, he will smile in the pictures of your future wedding with Even and you can never tell.

“I’m not mad at you for that, Mags. I’m not mad at you for anything.” Isak knew his experience at suppressing his feelings and lying about them would come in handy some day. This is the day. “I’m glad you told me. I remember how it was, falling for a boy for the first time. I was so alone with my feelings, and you deserve better.”

Burn in Hell, Magnus. Burn in fucking Hell.

Magnus gives Issy the tiniest, timidest smile.

“Thank you. I’m happy you’re my friend.”

“Me too”, Issy says, through a flawless smile. He leans a bit forward. “Would you like me to hook you up with him?”

Magnus looks at him with his eyes wide.

“Could you?” Fuck. Isak didn’t expect that. He should have remembered who he is talking with. Magnus is brave. He doesn’t hold back. He wants Even, and he is ready to go for what he wants, and he would be so much better for Even than Isak ever could be. Even deserves someone like Magnus. Someone good.

“Well, he is still sick”, Issy says. “As soon as he gets better I’ll invite you over and make sure you have some alone time with him. All you have to do is make the best of it.”

Magnus nods, enthusiastically.

“I am better face to face than in messages”, Magnus says. Issy nods. It’s true. Magnus has this aura about him, that’s really appealing. Even will surely fall for that. The sadness Isak has seen hints of will be drawn to Magnus’ comforting presence.

“I can give him your number too, if you want me to. I can’t obviously give you his without his permission.”

“No, it’s good. I mean, he would probably just be super confused about it? Randomly getting my number.”

Issy agrees. It would be confusing. It’s best to wait until the opportunity to talk with him personally. The opportunity Issy will make happen, as soon as possible. Because Magnus is a good friend, good enough to inspire others to be just as good.


	16. Chapter 16

Even is finally feeling like a person again. He is still tired, but that much can be expected after being bed-ridden for days. The significant difference between today and, say, yesterday, is that he is bored. He’s well enough to be bored, and rather hungry, and that always means the worst is behind him. Finally.

Someone knocks on his door. Even perks up immediately, like a dog waiting for his master to come home. He is being ridiculous. It’s too early for Isak to be home, it must be Eskild. Even makes a groaning sound to express he is awake and decent enough for Eskild to see him.

“Hey”, Eskild says as he pops his head in through the door. “How are you feeling?”

“Bored”, Even sighs. “Hungry. Sort of tired. Confused. Horny. Ish.”

Eskild laughs.

“Welcome back. I’m happy that we didn’t lose you for your illness.”

Even can’t bring himself to smile. Eskild doesn’t know all the details, but he should know enough to understand why Even isn’t amused by his joke. He has an illness. He can become lost for it any day. But Eskild is right, it’s good to be back to normal.

“Hungry, eh? I could make you a batch of ramen.”

Even rolls his eyes.

“Adding a hard boiled egg to cup noodles does not create ramen.”

Eskild grins.

“Do you want the egg or don’t you?”

“I do, I do. Can I have two?”

“Nope. We have one egg, and I really don’t want to go to the store. I can make a double batch of noodles?”

Even nods. That’s okay. He’s so hungry he is willing to eat pretty much anything.

“Awesome. Double noodles with an egg, coming right up. While I’m making them, I suggest you take a shower. You stink.”

“I’m out of shower gel”; Even groans. Eskild shakes his head. He’s not letting Even off the hook that easily, rude bitch.

“Use mine, then.”

“Do you have anything that doesn’t have glitter in it?”

Eskild makes a thinking face. It’s a pouty frown, and it looks silly enough to make Even chuckle. He has missed being relaxed with people. Mags was too much of a stranger, and he really can’t feel comfortable around Isak.

“I don’t think so. You look magnificent when you sparkle, so I don’t really see the issue here.”

“The issue is that it will also make me smell like a flower shop.”

“Trust me, it will be a significant improvement.” Eskild winked at Even. “Use Isak’s? Based on how much that boy stinks he should have ample stash left.”

Oh hell no. Even is not going to smell Isak all over his own skin.

“He buys the cheapest shit, I’m not submitting my sensitive skin to that.” Good save! Well done, Even! Totally plausible, and relatable to Eskild.

“Ugh, that poor baby is so going to regret his choices when he turns twenty five.”

“Aren’t everyone?”

Eskild shakes his head, smiling without showing his teeth.

“Only if they’re doing it right.”

They’re quiet for a moment, just enjoying each other’s company and connection. Compared to Isak they’re the older, more mature ones, almost like parents but still not at all like that. Thank fuck. It would be so, so inappropriate.

“A double batch of noodles with an egg. Should I use all the chili?”

“Always”, Even confirms. Eskild heads for the kitchen, while Even is left to find himself a towel. He picks up one from the floor and sniffs at it. It’ll do. It smells better than he does.

After the shower Even smells super nice. Super girly, too, but it doesn’t bother him. He keeps burying his nose against his arm. Yum. The scent makes him crave for something sweet, but it’s not too much to handle. Much easier than handling the cravings Isak’s smell would have given him.

The kitchen smells like chili, garlic and monosodium glutamate. It’s making Even’s mouth water. There is a bowl on the table, still nice and steaming, and Even sits down in front of it. He almost burns his mouth three times as he’s devouring his dinner, while the proud chef watches him.

“Tasty?”

Even slurps the rest of the stock directly from the bowl and puts it down.

“Best fucking ramen I’ve ever had”, he says. Eskild laughs, pleased.

“It’s good to see you’re feeling better. I was worried about you when you couldn’t walk.”

“So worried that you ditched me at the first opportunity for some action”, Even states, shaking his spoon at Eskild.

“Isak was here to take care of you”, Eskild says, unfazed. Right. He doesn’t know about Isak’s hospital visit, and Mags. Or maybe he does know about Mags, since his baby gay is dating the guy and all.

“Isak isn’t exactly the nurse of the year”, Even just says, allowing himself that second of bitterness. He’s not being fair. It’s not Isak’s fault that someone managed to snatch him before Even did.

“You lived. That’s enough.”

Even has to agree. He lived, and it could have gone very differently. He has had time to think about his adventure and all the ways it could have gone wrong. He rubs at the back of his neck to hide his blushing. There’s no need for Eskild to know the details of that night.

“I suppose.”

Keys rattle in the lock. Even perks up, just like a dog. Eskild arches his brow at him but doesn’t say anything.

Isak freezes at the kitchen door. The bags he is carrying are digging into his palms. They have been seriously bothering him for two blocks, but he forgets about their whole existence the second he lays his eyes on Even.

Even is glowing.

No. Shimmering. He is shiny, in a way that makes Isak unable to turn his eyes away. He smells super good, too. Isak’s every instinct is telling him to jump Even immediately, pin him down on the table and devour that pretty pretty skin of his. Luckily, the bags are weighing him down.

“Is that food?” Eskild asks. Isak blinks, rushing back to reality so hard it’s almost physically painful. He nods, and lifts the bags on the counter.

“You gave me the list this morning, remember?”

“Oh, right! You should know better than expect me to remember anything that happens before nine thirty.” Eskild starts unpacking the bags. Rice, noodles, coffee, milk, eggs. Basic stuff. Cheap stuff. It was Isak’s turn to fill up the pantry. Luckily he had the money for it.

He should say something to Even, too. He hasn’t as much as greeted him, has he?

“You seem better”, Isak says, hoping that he sounds normal. Even gives him a hasty smile.

“I feel much better. I just took a shower and ate some noodles, and I’m still conscious.”

Isak nods. Even looks great. He looks good enough to eat. That means it’s time to bring it up. Isak doesn’t want to, but Even deserves a shot with Magnus. Magnus definitely deserves a shot with Even.

“Now that you’re better, how about a movie night? I can afford - and could use - a free night this week.”

Even looks at him without saying anything. Isak is an idiot. Even probably doesn’t remember the whole thing. It was a party. They were both drunk.

“I mean, I still haven’t seen Romeo and Juliet.”

Even’s face lights up. He is so fucking pretty. So untouchable.

“We must fix that as soon as possible. How about tomorrow night?”

Isak nods. Better get this over with right away. The sooner Even and Magnus get together, the sooner Isak can learn to come to terms with it.

“Sounds good. We’ll bring the beer.”

“I’m not coming”, Eskild says. Isak forgot he’s still in the room. “I hate that movie.”

“You have no taste”, Even scoffs.

“Fine. Just Even, me and Mags, then.”

Even looks at him a bit funny. Isak understands. He is the third wheel. He can’t tell Even he has a plan to get himself out of the picture, not with Eskild present. Eskild loves gossip too much.

“Is at six okay? We’ll grab some pizza and beer on the way.”

Even nods slowly.

“Sounds great.”

Of course it does. He gets to meet Magnus again. Mags is great company. Especially over pizza and beer. All Isak has to do is put his plan into action, and in about thirty hours from now Mags and Even will be making out on the couch to the end credits of Romeo and Juliet.

“Great.”


	17. Chapter 17

Magnus is so happy Issy didn’t tell him in advance that his big date with Even is going to be tonight. He didn’t have the chance to get ridiculously overdressed this morning before leaving home. He tends to do that, because he’s absolutely not cool. Magnus is the guy who appears to a first date at a coffee shop wearing a suit and a bow tie. He isn’t sure what he would have worn for a movie night at Issy’s place, but it would have definitely been something stupid. He is so used to trying all the time that sometimes he goes a bit overboard.

Like he is doing right now. He  _ knows _ that he should bring just beer, but he still isn’t sure. It’s a good thing Issy is with him. He can run things through Issy, who has already said no to sparkling wine, strawberries and fancy chocolates. Pizza and beer, Mags. Pizza and beer. Focus on the mission at hand.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t get some proper pizza?” Magnus asks Issy’s ass while Issy is digging some Grandiosa out of the freezer. Issy rolls his eyes at him.

“This  _ is _ proper pizza.”

“Yeah, but like, some real Italian artisan pizza, made in a proper wood grill?”

Issy stares at him for a moment.

“How rich are you, exactly?”

Magnus blushes. He’s not rich, but. He doesn’t have to think about spending money all that much. He’s still living with his parents, his expenses are small.

“Mags. This is not a date. This is three friends watching a movie together, until one of them gets an important call from someone and has to excuse himself indefinitely. We’re going to have cheap beer and Grandiosa, and it’ll be just fine.”

Right. It’s not a date. Mags keeps forgetting about it. He doesn’t want to think about it too much, since they are kind of ambushing Even here, and it’s borderline uncool.

“Okay?” Issy is looking at him, oddly serious. Mags nods at him.

“Okay. Thank you.”

Issy smiles. Magnus is too preoccupied with his nerves to try and find out what’s giving Issy’s smile that blueish hue. He makes a mental note about it for later. Now it’s time to head for the register and pay for the pizza and beer. He insists to carry the bag. Issy lets him, and when Magnus offers him his arm out on the street, Issy slips his arm under it.

“It’s going to go great”, Issy says, as they’re walking side by side. “Just be yourself. You’re wonderful.”

“I’m ridiculous”, Magnus sighs.

“Even has a super nice laugh.”

Even has super nice everything. Magnus hasn’t been able to stop thinking about him ever since that night. He has done his best to keep his thoughts as carnal as possible, just in order to not build up expectations about Even. It wouldn’t be fair.

The carnal thoughts haven’t been exactly unproblematic, either. Mags has been watching so much gay porn lately, just to figure out what goes where. Of course he has also read on the subject, because porn is very fun but crappy source material. He has condoms and lubricant in his backpack, hidden all the way to the bottom, just in case Even wants something like that to happen right away. Mags isn’t exactly ready to go all the way, but at least he is prepared.

“Mags, if you blush any more your head will pop from all the blood.”

Magnus blinks and looks at Issy. He is grinning with his whole being, and that makes shame splash warm in his belly. Issy knows what he was thinking about. All the naughty things he would love to do to Even.

“Sorry. I got lost in my thoughts.”

“Don’t worry about it. It happens.” Issy smiles that sad smile again. This time Magnus doesn’t have to ask why, he knows. Issy has kept spacing out, but insists that there’s no reason for Magnus to be worried. He really tries to not worry.

They don’t talk much for the rest of the way. Magnus has to focus to keep his thoughts at bay. It’s awkward enough to be seeing Even again, with a plan like theirs. He listens to the beer bottles clink against each other in his backpack. He presses the soles of his shoes firmly against the ground with every step. He feels Issy’s movements close to him. He is still sorry about not feeling that way about Issy. It would have been so convenient. He could have taken care of Issy, in every possible way, but while he adores the guy he just isn’t feeling it like that.

When he sees Isak, his heart isn’t fluttering like it is now, when he sees Even step out of his room. Even is beautiful now that he’s healthy, and now that Magnus can see him in his full height he is feeling almost dizzy. Even is so, so tall. That’s totally his thing. Magnus is feeling sort of tingly all over as he’s peeling off his winter clothes. It’s been a while since he’s had a crush like this.

“Hey”, Even says. He is smiling at them. Magnus can barely look at him, but he has to. Otherwise Even would notice something’s off.

“Hey.” Magnus lifts his backpack from the floor. It clinks nicely. “We brought beer.”

“And Grandiosa”, Isak adds. Even keeps smiling. Magnus is happy he listened to Isak. Every drop of Even’s smile makes him fill up with hope. He’s feeling lighter than air. As he walks to the kitchen his feet aren’t touching the floor anymore. Tonight is the night.

When Isak insisted they should all sit on the couch Even got kind of excited at the chance of being right next to him. He should have known Isak would place Magnus in the middle. Or, actually, he couldn’t have known, it doesn’t make sense. Magnus isn’t the one connecting him and Isak, like Isak is the one connecting him and Magnus. Isak should sit in the middle.

Of course, he can’t figure out a way to communicate that thought in a way that’s not super rude or suspicious, so he just sits down in his place and lets Magnus sit next to him. The couch is actually a bit crowded, with all three of them, but Isak must not mind getting up and close with his boyfriend.

At least the pizza is nice and hot, and the beers are nice and cold. Even has emptied two bottles already, and he really should slow down, but he needs something to do with his hands and mouth. He tries to focus on the TV, but he keeps looking at Mags and Isak from the corner of his eye. They aren’t as much as holding hands. Maybe they don’t want to rub it in Even’s face? Poor guys, they have no idea that them simply being in the same room together is rubbing it in Even’s face very intensely. Mags looks so happy. He’s glowing. Lucky bastard.

Just as the aquarium scene has begun Isak’s phone buzzes. Repeatedly. He apologises and takes it out from his pocket, and licks his lips quickly.

“I have to take this. You can keep watching.” Just like that, Isak disappears into his room. Even looks over the back of the couch, after Isak, for a moment. When he turns back, Mags is still right next to him. Looking at him. Shit, does he know? Has he noticed how much Even is drooling over his boyfriend? Even blushes, and Magnus blushes as well.

“Should we pause the movie?” Even asks. His voice is a bit low and husky, it gets caught in his throat.

“Issy said it’s okay”, Magnus mumbles. He seems uncertain. Even understands, it’s still fresh, and Mags probably doesn’t know Isak well enough to know what he really thinks about this.

Even pauses the movie. Isak hasn’t seen it, and this scene is iconic and important. The star crossed lovers are falling for each other at first sight. It’s larger than life, and Even wants Isak to witness it.

It gets really quiet. Magnus is sitting so close to him. There’s nowhere for Even to go, he is sitting as close to the end of the couch as he can. He still has pizza and beer in front of him, so there’s no reason for him to get up. He could go to the bathroom? Yes, that’s a good idea. Even is just about to stand up, when Magnus speaks.

“You look healthy. It’s good to see.”

Shit. Even can’t run away now. It would be rude. They are talking about him, after all.

“I feel much better. I’m sorry about last time.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m happy to have met you, though the circumstances could have been better.”

“It’s nice to have met you too.” Even really, really wishes the circumstances were different. Like, say, that Mags wasn’t Isak’s boyfriend. “May I ask, how long have you and Isak been. Hanging out?”

“We met at the orientation. He didn’t have a pen, and we had to write our own name tags. He made a really funny rant about living in the future and still needing pens, and we kind of hit it off right away.”

Even nods. He can imagine. Isak has his own kind of humour, but it can be very funny.

“That’s kind of rare. Hitting it off immediately. Usually things take a bit of time. You know, getting to know each other properly and such.”

Magnus stops smiling, for a split second. Crap. Even just slut shamed him or something, didn’t he? It’s too late to take his words back. He must fix this, soon.

“I think it’s good. I believe in love at first sight.” Even nods at the television. “Like them. One look, and they just know. It’s beautiful.”

Magnus nods slowly.

“It is. Beautiful.”

Magnus is clearly speaking from experience, and Even can’t handle it anymore. He should, but he can’t. He stands up, mutters an apology and escapes into the bathroom before he says something hurtful. He has already locked the door when he notices he’s still holding the remote control in his hand.


	18. Chapter 18

Magnus sits still, staring at young Leonardo DiCaprio’s face, for a good ten minutes. It is a pretty face, but he would rather be looking at Even. Too bad Even is hidden away from him in a bathroom. Something should be done about that. Magnus has absolutely nothing to lose here. Maybe he can help Even somehow. Magnus gets up and walks to the locked door, and knocks on it.

“Even? Is everything okay?”

No answer. For almost ten seconds. Long enough to make Magnus actually worried. Is it something he did? Did he frighten Even, or make him feel uncomfortable? He was sitting quite close to him.

“Yes”, Even says, so suddenly it makes Magnus jump. His heart is pounding. It’s Even’s voice, hearing it, it makes him almost shiver.

“Good. Good. It’s just. You’ve been there for a while. I’m sorry if it’s something I said.” It was. It must have been, he was coming on too strongly. Talking about love at first sight, that’s so..well. That’s so Magnus.

“No, no, not at all”, Even lies. It’s funny how bad Even is at it even though Magnus doesn’t see him. Maybe it’s because Magnus has already made up his mind about this.

“It’s just all so new for me. This is the first time I’m interested in a guy, ever, and it’s. Odd. I mean, I never considered myself  _ not _ into guys, but I’ve just never been into one, and now that I am it’s sort of overwhelming, and -- oh shit, I really should shut up, shouldn’t I?” Magnus stops talking, finally. It’s way too late, but at least he stops. Even doesn’t say anything, and that means Magnus will have to keep talking. “I’m sorry about oversharing. It’s just. Odd. Like I already said.”

Magnus hears movement. He steps a bit away, to make room for Even to open the door, but it remains closed. Locked.

“How do you know?” Even asks, through the door. He is standing right behind it. Magnus wants to touch the door but it feels inappropriate.

“Know what?”

“That you’re into a guy. If that’s never happened before.”

Oh. Magnus licks his lips slowly. Even wants him to prove something to him. Okay. It’s not like he hasn’t been thinking about this lately, a lot, but he still hasn’t a real answer. He can try, at least.

“Well. It feels the same like it feels with a girl. Very much so. I know how a crush feels like, and this is definitely one. I’m crushing, hard.”

“Oh.” Even sounds so small. It’s more than disappointment, it’s -- defeat. Even is defeated, and Magnus doesn’t understand why. He does, however, get the hint.

“Could you please open this door? I’d like to see you while we’re having this conversation.”

Magnus waits. He lets Even consider in peace. There’s not much more he can do, only wait and hope for the best.

The lock clicks. The door opens. Magnus looks up at Even, and his heart stops beating for a split second, only to start again in a rush. Even looks so brittle right now, it pulls at every string in Magnus’ chest. He wants to take care of Even and make that sadness go away, forever. Before he has had time to think things through properly, he notices he’s already hugging Even.

“It’s okay”, Magnus mumbles against Even’s collarbone, and hugs him a bit tighter. It feels so good. Even is so tall. He is so pretty. “I’ve got you.”

Even is confused, to say the least. Magnus is hugging him. It’s rather characteristic for Magnus, as far as Even can tell, but there’s something in the way Magnus is speaking right on his skin that’s very, very weird. Even can practically feel how hard Magnus’ heart is beating, through his chest.

“What?” Even half whispers, pulling back a bit so he can look at Magnus. Magnus grabs Even’s shirt, lightly. There’s definitely something going on here. How dare Magnus come on to him like this, when he has Isak? Is it possible? Is he imagining things?

“I mean. If that’s okay with you.” Magnus looks up at Even from under his brow, shy and blushing. He keeps fondling at Even’s shirt. Even doesn’t understand.

“What about Isak?” Even manages to ask. He hopes he doesn’t sound too harsh. Magnus looks confused.

“Issy? What about him?”

“Aren’t you with him?”

Magnus is still looking confused. He is blinking slowly, and Even can hear the cogs turning in his head. He frowns.

“Like, dating him?” Magnus is still standing so close. Even can feel the warmth of his body, and it is comforting in its way. His slutty, needy, pathetic part is getting pulled towards that.

“Yes.”

“We’re not dating. I’m not into him at all.”

It’s a rush. Days of despair get flushed away and Even is free, full of energy and freedom, it feels like a high. It’s like Even is leaving his body simply because there isn’t enough room both for him and his relief.

Magnus hesitates for a blink of an eye, then he reaches his hand up behind Even’s neck, pushes himself up on his toes and kisses Even. It’s a quick little kiss, almost chaste, it’s over before Even really registers it’s happening. There it was. His first kiss with a boy, here one moment and gone the next. Lost forever.

“I’m sorry!” Magnus whimpers. “I’m so sorry, you just looked like you wanted to kiss me and I got carried away.”

“It’s -- it’s okay”, Even says, just to make Magnus stop looking like a puppy someone just kicked. Besides, it is okay. Firsts are loaded with too much expectations anyway. He can still have a first kiss with Isak. His first kiss with Isak. Their first kiss. It counts. It matters.

“I don’t know why it happened”, Magnus sighs. “The moment I saw you I was just gone for you. I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful, boy or girl, and. I’ve been dreaming about this moment ever since that.”

Magnus is so fragile right now. Even is so happy. That’s a combination that causes an unexpected reaction. Magnetism that’s not supposed to be there. Magnustism?

“Would you go out with me? Like, a real date?” Magnus asks. Even nods. Of course he would. Magnus has just saved his life, brought him great news, the greatest possible, and Even is so grateful that he wants to give something back. A date sounds fun. He has already said yes when he realizes that Magnus has very recently confessed having actual feelings for him. Holy fucking hell. It’s too late to back out now. Magnus is absolutely beaming. It feels great, to have someone look at him like Magnus. With enthusiastic expectation.

“Are you free tomorrow night?”

“Yes.” Even is free every night, unless he makes an impromptu decision to go out. Just like he’s doing now. Magnus makes a tiny squee and can barely stop himself from jumping up and down.

“Great! I’ll pick you up at six?”

Even nods. Sounds good. He still hasn’t really returned in his body, he’s watching this scene unfold from the outside. It’s like a movie. It’s a lovely scene, delicate and emotional. Even kind of wishes he could feel those emotions himself.

Magnus shakes his head with a little giggle and steps back.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m. I’m too giddy. I can’t handle it, and I will make an idiot of myself in front of you if I don’t leave this minute.” Magnus retreats to his shoes and starts pulling them on. His whole being is like in song. It’s lovely to look at. Even is happy for him. He is kind of smiling. The smile Magnus gives him from the door is blinding. “See you tomorrow. Be hungry.”

The house feels much darker when Magnus closes the door and takes his light away. Even stays there, standing still in the middle of the floor, trying to push his way back into his body.


	19. Chapter 19

Isak is sitting on his bed, staring into nothing, waiting for Magnus to have his shot with Even. It’s for the best, he tells himself yet again. Magnus is amazing. He deserves Even, while Isak does not. Isak can’t even -- he doesn’t want to be Even’s boyfriend. He can’t. Issy might, but Even hasn’t met Issy, and Isak doesn’t really want him to, either, because this mess is bad enough already. Isak pulls his heel up on the bed and leans his forehead on his knee.

“Fucking crazy”, he whispers to himself. “Schizo psycho bitch.”

He knows it’s not healthy. He knows it’s not normal. He knows he should go see someone and get something done about Issy, but he can’t. He needs Issy. He loves Issy, and the things Issy can do. Issy makes him feel alive. Before Issy came along he was a dried up chrysalis, forgotten on a basement windowsill, frozen and dead. He can’t crawl back in there again.

Isak takes Issy’s phone and opens the photos. Issy is having so much fun. He looks so happy, and interesting, and Isak desperately wants to be him but he can’t. Not all the time. Not with everyone.

Issy’s phone buzzes. It’s a message, from Magnus. Isak’s mouth feels dry and his hands are a bit shaky as he unlocks the screen and opens the conversation.

_ I KISSED A BOY AND I LIKED IT !!!!! _

The messages keep coming on rapid fire. Magnus tells Issy he actually kissed Even, that he can’t believe it, that he’s a bit sorry about not being certain of consent first, that he actually kissed Even, that he is going on a date with Even tomorrow, and that he actually, actually kissed Even. Isak stares at the phone, and each message hits another dent into his bruised heart.

He should write something.

Burn in Hell for all eternity, Magnus.

_ Told you <3 _

_ Oh, and I left! You can leave your room now. Thank you thank you thank you I love you forever <3<3<3 _

Isak can’t. He just can’t. He turns Issy’s phone off and shoves it under his pillow. That becomes a useless move very quickly, since he grabs the pillow and curls up around it, hugging it tightly. Magnus and Even kissed. They are going on a date. So, Even does like boys, he just hasn’t ever considered Isak being on the list of people who need to know it.

There’s a knock on his door. It makes his heart jump up to the back of his throat. It’s Even. Even is at his door, probably to tell him that he is going on a date with Magnus. Can he take it?

He has to take it. He unfolds himself from the pillow and takes his phone in his hand, pretending to text.

“It’s open”, Isak says. Even takes a deep breath, and opens the door. He peeks inside, carefully. Isak is off the phone, at least. He’s not interrupting anything.

“Hey. Magnus just left.” Even licks his lips quickly. He must look so, so guilty. He should just come clean to Isak before Magnus does it for him. Boys talk, too. “Turns out he likes me. We’re going on a date tomorrow.”

Even watches Isak closely as he makes his reveal. Isak looks disappointed. Just as Even suspected, Isak is into Magnus. Who is into him. And he is into Isak, and this is a horrible mess, which he has just made worse by agreeing to go on that date.

Isak smiles. It looks almost genuine.

“Lucky you. Magnus is a wonderful guy, you’re going to have a great time.”

Even shrugs.

“I suppose. He seems super nice.”

An awkward silence falls between them. It feels heavy and dark, like a blanket that’s too thick and warm. It’s pressing on Even’s sternum. His chest might cave in any moment.

“I must confess I didn’t think you dated guys”, Isak says. Even hesitates, for a second or two.

“I don’t. Usually. I mean, this is my first date with a guy.”

“Oh.” Isak sounds so disappointed. Jealous. “Well, like I said, you couldn’t have picked a better guy.”

“In my defense, he picked me”, Even says quietly. “I thought you two were --”

Shit. He shouldn’t have said that! Rub it in Isak’s face some more, will you? Isak probably imagined he was getting somewhere with Magnus, and then Even just waltzed in and stole the guy from him. And he doesn’t even want him. Insult to injury.

“Me and Mags? No, no. We’re just friends”, Isak says. His shoulder moves, a bit forward and inward. “Funny, really. You’re the first guy he has ever been interested in, too.”

Even almost says it. He almost tells Isak he isn’t interested in Magnus. That would be so, so stupid. He isn’t going to have a chance to win Isak’s heart over if he starts by toying with the heart of his good friend. The heart Isak is longing for himself. Even has accepted it, temporarily, and he is obligated to look after it while it’s in his possession.

“Is there something I should take into account? Considering the date.”

“Well. Mags is a great guy, but he gets flustered easily. He can be a bit much when that happens.”

Even nods. He has some recent first hand experience on that. Magnus was adorable, but he can imagine it getting overwhelming quite fast.

“I’ll try to be patient with him. He reminds me of a puppy. I love puppies.”

“Most people do”, Isak sighs. Even really is sorry for stealing Mags from him, but he can’t apologize for it. He will simply have to handle it. Being sorry, getting no absolution. He created this mess himself.

He notices he’s still holding the remote control. He waves it at Isak.

“Should we finish watching the movie? It’s just about to get good, and we have some beer and pizza left.”

Even really expects Isak to decline. He looks so tired, and sad, and antisocial. To his surprise, Isak nods and gets up.

“Sure. Leo is quite pretty to look at, and that Mercutio dude isn’t too bad either.”

Well. Maybe Even should just take what he can get. If Isak wants to miss out on the magic of the movie in order to ogle at boys, so be it.

“Right. Shall we?”

Isak laughs.

“You should see your own face, movie snob! You’re really into this movie.”

Even blushes.

“Well. Yes. It’s my favourite.”

“You’re really working hard to keep quiet when we’re watching, aren’t you?”

Even blushes a bit more. Isak is walking to the door, and he has to force his feet to move so he can let Isak out of his room.

“Pretty hard, yeah.”

Isak gives him a little smirk.

“Keep working. I hate comment tracks. The best part about watching a movie is that people shut up to watch it.” Isak laughs again. At Even’s face, probably. His stupid face that is so bad at hiding things. “Just kidding. You can tell me everything about the camera angles and lighting and shit if you want to. Just make sure I have a beer in my hand at all times.”

When they are back by the TV and Even presses play, he keeps quiet. He keeps his eyes on the screen, diving head first into the familiar comfort of the greatest love story ever told. Maybe this time he will finally learn its lesson: love is the most dangerous thing there is.


	20. Chapter 20

Magnus is absolutely too excited to even think about getting any sleep. He has tried everything. Exercise just made his body tired, warm milk tasted gross, reading proved impossible because he couldn’t focus at all, he ran out of energy on all of the games in his phone, and masturbating only made him  _ more _ excited about tomorrow, not less.

This is his final option. He doesn’t take it often, only sometimes, when nothing else works. It’s wrong, he knows it, but it’s not like he’s going to get caught, or harming anyone. Mom doesn’t need the benzos every day, which is great, and that leaves Magnus in a position where he can steal one every now and then, when he really needs it. Tonight he needs it. Just one. Actually half of one, but he’ll have to hide the other half somewhere in his room.

Magnus sneaks into the kitchen and opens the medicine cabinet. It’s actually a cupboard for dishes or something like that, but in this household they need a lot of storage for medication. Magnus looks at the boxes and bottles, looking for the right one, but can’t see it. It must be in the back somewhere. He starts with the bottom shelf, taking the boxes in the front row out, careful to not rattle them.

His hand stops mid motion.

He frowns.

He checks the date on the label. He takes a deep breath and opens the box, slowly.

It’s untouched. All the strips are in there, and they’re all full.

Magnus checks the date again. It makes his mouth feel dry all of a sudden. He takes another box and opens it. Another one. He doesn’t go as far as counting the pills in a bottle, but it feels really full in his hand. Heavy. That can only mean one thing.

Mom isn’t taking her meds. Based on the labels, she hasn’t been taking them for over two weeks. Magnus has to lean his both hands on the counter for a bit to gather himself and his thoughts. Mom isn’t taking her meds. She really, really should be taking them.

Why did he have to find out tonight? Couldn’t he have discovered this tomorrow, after his big date with Even? He hasn’t asked for much in his life, and he has been given plenty, but this was something he would have liked to have. Just one more night.

It’s really typical, too. Every time Magnus gets something really, really nice, mom takes it away from him. What’s worst, he knows he should have anticipated this, but he didn’t, because he never does, because he never learns, because he always hopes that maybe this time will be different. It never is.

Mom will always fuck everything up.

Magnus allows himself that thought only once, every time. He lets himself have it in silence and privately, and when he’s thinking about it he pours all of his frustrated rage into it. He hates his mother with everything he has, for one thought only, fifteen or twenty seconds, then he exhales and lets it go.

It’s not mom’s fault. She is sick. She needs help. She is the coolest, best mom Magnus can ever wish for, but she is not perfect. Magnus doesn’t want her to be perfect. He wants her to be fine. And this, her not taking her meds, means she is not fine. Her family has failed her. They should have noticed something. It’s obvious now, in hindsight. Mom hasn’t been well. They just haven’t been paying attention.

Magnus checks the time. Two thirty. Should he wake dad up? He probably shouldn’t. Dad has work tomorrow. He can do this on his own. It’s not like he’s going to get any sleep tonight anyway. He doesn’t dare take the benzo now. Mom might wake up and do something, and Magnus would sleep all the way through it.

Magnus goes back to his room to get his phone and earbuds. He puts some music on, in low volume, and gets to work. He starts by getting the box from the cupboard under the sink. It has a lock on it. Magnus turns the dials. He has the combination as his phone’s access code so that he won’t forget it.

When the box is open, Magnus empties all the drawers and racks in the kitchen from anything with a blade. He packs them carefully, as quietly as he can, in the box. He adds the matches and the butane torch in there, as well. And the can of butane, too, just in case.

Magnus locks the box and returns it in its place. Next he starts clearing out the medicine cupboard. The pill organiser is right in the back behind everything. Magnus decides to load it up right away. He reads the labels carefully and divides the daily doses in their little compartments. The clicks of the tiny lids are quite satisfying. They feel like order.

Finally everything is packed. All the dangerous chemicals in the house are locked away, as are the blades. It’s time to make the schedule. Magnus finds a sheet of paper and a pen, digs out the checklist from his phone and starts writing. He writes down the daily routine, by the hour, and tries his best to not feel like he’s the mom.

Magnus wakes up when dad pulls the paper away from under his hand. He raises his head from the table and takes the now dead buds out of his ears. Dad is reading the paper, and Magnus’ heart breaks a bit because of the expression on his dad’s face. He’s so worried. Exhausted. Angry. Magnus lets him have his angry thought uninterrupted. He waits until dad exhales.

“Mom hasn’t been taking her pills”, he says.

“Fuck”, dad sighs. Magnus nods. Well said, dad. Then dad continues and Magnus’ heart feels cold all of a sudden. “I’m out of town for the night.”

Right. It was today. Magnus knew it, he just forgot. He thought mom wouldn’t need someone watching over her. He still has to try.

“Dad, I have something important tonight.”

“You’re going to have to cancel it.”

Magnus does his best to keep himself from sniffling. He’s a big boy, and tonight he’s going to be the man of the house, and his mother needs him. Even will understand. Maybe. Magnus hoped he would get a bit further with Even before his family getting in the way, but it can’t be helped.

“Magnus”, dad says. Magnus sighs.

“I’ll cancel it.”

Dad puts his hand on Magnus’ shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“Thank you, son. I’m so proud of you, you know that?”

Magnus nods. He knows.


	21. Chapter 21

Isak hasn’t seen Magnus all day. He wasn’t in any of the classes, or at lunch, and Isak is starting to get a bit worried. Then he gets a message from Magnus. He’s sick. Probably the same bug that Even had. Reading the message makes Isak so fucking relieved he earns a special spot in Hell just for that. Magnus is sick. If he has the same thing Even had, he’s really, really sick.

But he’s also asking Isak to give his number to Even, so that they could arrange some other time for their date. That means they won’t be going on a date tonight. The thought is making Isak ridiculously happy. He is a terrible friend, but he can’t help it. That also means, that Even will be available tonight.

It doesn’t mean anything. Even isn’t available  _ for him _ in general, and his date with Magnus is only going to be postponed. Isak is going to keep his hands off, because he’s not that much of an asshole.

He isn’t too certain about Issy, though.

That bitch might stab Magnus in the back. He might go home and tell Even that Magnus changed his mind, and suggest they watch a movie or something together instead. Things might lead to things, and suddenly they’d be really close together on the couch. Issy might slip on his knees on the floor between Even’s legs, because he is just that kind of a slut.

Isak blinks. He has no idea how long he has been lost in his daydream. Long enough for Magnus to send him another message, to ask Isak to check he gave Even the right number. Isak closes his eyes and sighs. He has to do this. Besides, Even agreed to go on a date with Mags, and that indicates he wants to go.

Isak sends a message to Even, with Magnus’ number. He takes a screenshot of it, crops the time out and sends the picture to Magnus. Mission fucking completed. It’s not up to him anymore. Even will send a message to Magnus and they will decide on a new date, and it will be perfect and marvellous, exactly what they both deserve.

Meanwhile, Isak will need something to take his mind off of things. He will have to take Issy’s slutty ass out of the apartment, too. It’s a weeknight, and there will be a party on Saturday, but it doesn’t matter. He has to get out of there for the night.

Isak hurries home. Now that he has a plan he can’t wait to put it into action. He can’t handle this on his own, he needs Issy. He needs a night of dancing and making out with boys while imagining he’s making out with Even.

No. No. Not with Even. He has to stop dreaming about that guy, because he belongs to Magnus for now. And since Magnus is such a wonderful person, Isak is certain Even will fall for him, and they will be happy together, forever.

Isak will be happy for them both. Some day. That day just isn’t today.

When Isak gets home he is greeted by silence. Eskild’s shoes are gone. Even’s are there, but his room’s door is closed. He must be texting with Magnus, on his stomach on the bed, smiling at his phone. Jealousy grabs Isak’s heart and squeezes it until something wet and black oozes out. It sticks to everything it touches and stains it.

No biggie. He’ll just cover it up. Isak slips into his room, locks the door behind him and puts some music on. Issy’s pre-party playlist is exactly what he needs. He should probably eat something, he is starving after a long afternoon of classes, but on the other hand, he will get drunk faster if he skips dinner. Issy doesn’t want to eat, he wants to drink. Isak can live with that. He opens his closet door and starts picking his outfit. Tonight is the night to go full on slutty. Taking Issy out is making Isak’s mood elevate already. He is humming along with Lady Gaga. He’s on the right track, he was born this way.

Even is a fucking idiot. He is lying on his back on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and trying to comprehend how he can be this stupid. It’s like he’s making some extra effort to be as stupid as possible.

Why on Earth did he agree to go on a date with Magnus? He can’t understand it. He can’t understand himself. He still doesn’t know if he even likes boys, and now he is going on a date with one who definitely likes him, and who Isak likes, and he really is a fucking idiot, isn’t he?

He needs a way out of this. Some way that doesn’t hurt Magnus’ feelings. That’s probably not possible. Magnus is really, really into him, and he was so, so happy when Even said yes, and even thinking about taking that happiness away from Magnus feels approximately the same as the thought of kicking a baby in the mouth. It’s just plain wrong. It’s just not done, because of how wrong it is.

Maybe he can make the date really suck, then? That’s something to consider. He could be a horrible person quite easily, all he would have to do is be himself. A selfish, crazy bitch with enough issues to fill up a whole warehouse. A whale whorehouse, he thinks, and laughs shortly out loud. Sperm whales would be regulars there. Or would they run the place?

Even is grateful at his phone buzzing and interrupting that thought. He fishes it out from under himself. Even’s heart skips a beat when he sees he’s got a message from Isak. He hurries to read the message. It’s a phone number, with a name next to it. Magnus. Isak has sent him Magnus’ number, and that makes Even realize he never exchanged numbers with Magnus.

He doesn’t want to give Magnus his number. He could go on a date with him, one date, but he doesn’t want to be texting him, or getting texts from him, or even worse, actual phone calls. A date is simple. It’s just a couple of hours, it has a beginning and an end, and that’s it. A phone number means getting involved.

That’s rather simple, isn’t it? Even doesn’t want to get involved with Magnus. It’s easy to make Magnus not want to get involved with him, either. Even simply won’t be home when Magnus comes. He’ll do what he always does eventually, only sooner. He will not be there.

The decision fills Even up with energy. He gets up from his bed and hits the shower. He borrows some shower gel from Eskild again. It made his skin so pretty, and it smells super good. It feels luxurious, too. He will miss this when he buys more of his normal brand. Meanwhile, he’s going to enjoy this little spa experience with no shame.

After the shower he blow dries his hair. He keeps looking at himself in the mirror. He is shimmering. He is going to go out tonight, and he will be irresistible to someone, and this time he will not fuck everything up. He’s going to go through with it. Tonight will be the night, he’s going to take the first one who’s willing and seems safe enough. It won’t matter who it is. Well, maybe not the guy he ditched last weekend.

Even decides his hair is done, and returns to his room. He needs an outfit. The skinniest jeans he owns. The same cropped top he had last time. It’s just a normal T-shirt, small enough to fit his body and thus way too short for him. He cut the fold of the hem off and tadah, he has a party shirt that reveals barely enough skin to be really teasing. It’s perfect for his purposes. Getting laid. Getting some dick. It’s going to be fun.

Or it’s not. He doesn’t know until he tries it. It’s about time to give it a go. He did like kissing Magnus. Or, he would have liked it, if he had time to think about it. To notice it. He kind of wanted to kiss Magnus again, but it wouldn’t have been right. Magnus would have read too much into it.

Thinking about Magnus kind of bums Even out. He is going to be such an asshole. It can’t be helped. It’s for the best, in the long run, and Even can’t bring himself to reject Magnus face to face. It will be easier for Magnus, too, he’s going to learn from the very beginning that Even can’t be trusted.

Even checks the time. He should get going, in case Magnus is going to come early. No clubs will be open yet, but he can get started in a bar. Get a nice buzz going. Loosen up a bit. He slips his phone in his pocket and opens his door.

Isak is putting his shoes on. He looks incredible. Isak turns his head at the sound of Even’s door, and Even’s eyes get caught on his lips. They’re shiny. Glossy. Just a bit. Even’s own lips crack open. He pulls his shirt down, but it doesn’t work. Slut.

Shit. Isak might know about his date. He probably knows. Even is about to get caught ditching Magnus. He can’t leave now. He has to pretend he’s going to the bathroom.

“Hey”, Isak says. Even notices they’ve been quiet for a long time, just looking at each other.

“Uh. Hey. Going out?”

Isak nods. He has managed to get his shoes on and stands up. Even bites his tongue to keep himself from ogling at Isak.

“Yeah, I need to clear my head.” Isak looks at Even from head to toe, and then up again. “Is Magnus feeling better?”

Fuck. Better? Even has no idea. What’s going on? His brain is ticking at full power, but it doesn’t get him anywhere.

“I don’t -- I thought he’d pick me up at six?”

Isak looks at him a bit funny. Even doesn’t know what to do. He tries a smile. It’s not working out, but at least he’s trying.

“You didn’t send him your number?”

Even shakes his head. He did not. He doesn’t have an explanation for it, so he doesn’t give one.

“Magnus is sick”, Isak says. “He probably caught your cold. He’s not coming.”

Even knows he is looking way, way too relieved right now. He can’t help it. Isak must notice it, and he must think Even is a fucking asshole for not wanting Magnus even though he’s lucky enough to be wanted by him.

“Oh.”

Isak nods slowly.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, I could have told you that in the message too, but I thought you’d contact him.”

“I’m not -- I’m not good with contacting people. I prefer seeing them in person.”

Isak shrugs.

“Well, tonight you won’t be seeing Magnus in person. Hopefully he’ll be well enough Saturday, for the house party.”

Oh. Right. There’s going to be a party. Isak’s friend is coming, too. Jonas.

“Let’s hope so.”

Isak looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t know how. Even waits. Now that he doesn’t have to run away from Magnus, he has time.

“There’s something you should know”, Isak says quietly. “About Jonas and me.”

Oh fuck, please, no. Not an ex. Not a current love interest. Please.

“Okay?”

“We’ve been friends since we were kids, but uh. He doesn’t know. That I’m gay.”

Even arches his brow, surprised. Okay, he did not expect that. Hooray for Isak not being involved with Jonas, but other than that, it doesn’t feel like good news.

“Oh?”

Isak nods, blushing. He presses his eyes down on the floor.

“My parents were. Well, are, I suppose, or I don’t know, we haven’t really been in touch since I left home. But they don’t. You know?”

Even has a hunch. But he wants Isak to keep talking, confining to him, because it makes him feel special and important to Isak, so he doesn’t say anything.

“I haven’t been out before I moved in here. I never told Jonas. First I was scared to, then it got weird because it’s been so long, and. I don’t know. Please don’t tell him anything before I get the chance?”

“I don’t see a reason to bring it up, really. It’s not like I’m going to go all ‘hi Jonas, nice to meet you, by the way Isak is gay’ or anything.”

Isak almost smiles. It counts.

“Well, of course not, but you might unintentionally mention something that would make him suspicious.”

That’s fair enough. Even nods.

“Just let me know when you’ve told him. I’ll make sure to not mention anything. Do you want me to deliver the message to Eskild, too?”

Now Isak smiles for real. It’s lovely. Just lovely.

“If you don’t mind. You get along with him better than I do, and to be honest, I really was not looking forward to getting a pride preach from him.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got you”, Even says. He wishes so hard it would be true. The whole truth. Nothing but.

“Thank you.” Isak brushes his hair behind his ear and takes his coat. “I should get going. I’m sorry about your date. Magnus is going to die when he hears how nice you looked for him.”

Isak takes his phone from his pocket. Even watches him do so, like he was watching a car accident. In silent horror, unable to stop it.

“I could take a picture for him?”

Even can’t come up with a reason to say no, so he has to say yes. He nods, and poses a bit awkwardly, and watches Isak take a picture and send it. Isak is almost out the door when his phone buzzes and he laughs.

“I knew it. He’s so dead.” Isak flashes Even a smile and winks. “Sexting is a thing. Just saying. Of course it’s not the same as in person, but it can be a lot of fun.”

Even’s expression might resemble a human smile. Maybe. His face is numb.

“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind. You have fun out there. And stay safe.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Isak asks, steps out and closes the door after himself. Even slaps his hand over his mouth and closes his eyes. Fuck. Fucking, fucking fuck.


	22. Chapter 22

Isak is standing in front of the railway station, waiting. He didn’t go to the tracks because that would have felt weird, like waiting for a lover, and it might have made Issy’s imagination run wild again. Issy loves shit like that, reunions, kisses filled with longing after a prolonged absence, while blocking the way of disgruntled people who just want to get home. It’s safer to stay here. Jonas knows his way around, he could probably have made it to the apartment on his own as well, but Isak needs to see Jonas before he meets Isak’s room mates.

He needs to come clean. The party is happening tomorrow night, and too many people who know about him are coming. Jonas will find out, if not before the party then during it, and the latter option is a catastrophically bad one. Jonas will be so offended, and rightfully so, if he hears about this from someone else than Isak himself.

Isak just wishes it wasn’t so fucking scary. What if Jonas will take it badly? Isak has no idea how Jonas feels about gay people, they have never talked about it. He knows Jonas can be super judgy about things he doesn’t like, and if Jonas doesn’t like gay people, it is totally plausible that he won’t like Isak anymore, either. At least Jonas is not a complete dickhead. He would not tell anyone else why they aren’t talking anymore, he would just ghost Isak forever.

That thought is so fucking painful. Jonas was so important to him. He still is. They haven't seen each other in months, but that doesn’t mean their friendship has diluted. It has simply changed. It’s like on hold, and Isak knows that the second he lays his eyes on that boy with thick dark curls and bushy eyebrows framing his blue eyes, they will immediately keep going from where they left. They’ll be hitting the ground running.

Isak is about to tighten a rope across their path, and he has no idea if they will make it past the obstacle or not. Maybe they won’t. Maybe it will split them apart. That’s a risk he’s going to have to take, because he can’t go back to what used to be. He has to keep going.

He brushes at the side of his neck through his scarf. The bruise is very prominent. He has quite a few of them all over his chest, too. At the time it felt so hot, standing in a nearly dark corridor with his back against the wall, his shirt rolled up to his armpits and some cute guy’s eager mouth everywhere. Issy came twice during that session. He has no idea how long they were at it. People kept walking right past them, to find their own spot or return to the club, and the sounds of mouths and hands were barely drowned by the music blasting through the wall. Thinking about it makes Isak blush in shame. Issy loved it. He can’t wait to do that again.

The bruises will also force him to talk about things to Jonas. One look at them, and Jonas won’t leave him alone until he tells how he got them. Issy is a clever little bitch. He has made sure he won’t be shoved back in the closet. Isak is grateful for that. It is uncomfortable and inconvenient, but it is for the best.

People start flooding out of the station. The train has arrived. Isak perks up and starts looking for a familiar face. A familiar body. Isak has watched that body a million times, and he can recognise Jonas from very far away, in the middle of a crowd, wearing a mask. There he is now, Isak’s heart says, and Isak smiles. Yes, there he is. Jonas is smiling and waving. Isak waves back. He is smiling, too.

Before Isak has decided if he’d go for a hug or not, Jonas has wrapped his arms around him and squeezes him tightly.

“Hey! It’s so fucking good to see you!”

Isak hugs Jonas back. He buries his face in the black knitted scarf around Jonas’ neck and inhales. It doesn’t smell like Jonas he remembers. He has his own home now, and it has a new scent. Jonas doesn’t smell like the house Isak used to visit as often as he could. Another memory gone.

“Is?” Jonas tries to end the hug, but Isak doesn’t want to. He holds on for a bit more, before he releases his friend. Yes. Friend. Nothing more. Finally he knows he is free.

“Sorry. I really needed a hug.”

Jonas smiles. His smile is exactly the same. It used to make Isak’s heart flutter, and his stomach get filled with butterflies. Now it just feels warm, like a hug.

“Happy to help. Feel free to get another one whenever you want.”

“Thanks.” Isak smiles too. It’s good to actually feel like smiling. He’d better enjoy it while it lasts. “Are you going to visit your parents at all?”

“Yeah, I’ll drop by before my train leaves on Sunday. Mom would kill us both if I didn’t go see them while I’m in town.” Jonas adjusts the strap of his gym bag. He has a backpack, too, and both seem heavy.

“Do you need help with that?” Isak asks. Jonas grins.

“Nah, I’ve been lifting lately. But I wouldn’t mind if we get going?”

“Oh. Right. Right.” Isak nods. He looks around, hesitant, like he has forgotten where he lives and how to get there. He is so nervous. This is so nice, and it’s in grave danger, and Jonas has no idea of the threat that’s throwing its shadow over them.

“Let’s go”, Isak says, more to himself than to Jonas. His legs get the memo. They start walking. Jonas walks with him. Isak pushes his hands in his pockets and keeps his feet in the same pace with Jonas, and for one walk in the cold October air everything is like it used to be, and in the best of ways.

Isak lets Jonas in first. He has told Even and Eskild to stay in their rooms until he gives an okay, and while he does trust them, he is still a bit nervous. Both of their door are closed, and Isak can’t hear anything from the kitchen or the living room. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

“That’s my room”, Isak says and nods at his door. “You can take your things there.”

“Bathroom?” Jonas asks. Isak points at the door, and Jonas puts his bags on the floor, peels his winter clothes off and hurries in the bathroom. Isak is happy to have a moment of privacy, so he can take off his scarf and put his hood on his head to hide the bruise. He hasn’t been able to bring himself to tell Jonas on the way here.

Isak takes Jonas’ gym bag and drags it with him in his room. He leaves the door open, while he goes to the kitchen to grab them beers. Issy didn’t have time to get drunk last night from all the making out and being eaten alive, so he didn’t need his hangover beers this morning.

Jonas’ face lights up at the beer Isak is handing over to him. He takes it and drinks about a third of the bottle in one greedy gulp. It is followed by a mighty burp. Isak laughs at him, and Jonas laughs too, and all this happiness is just about to be broken. Isak sits down on his bed, while Jonas takes the chair.

“Jonas, there’s something I have to tell you”, Isak says, so quietly that it makes Jonas turn serious. His eyes are so blue, and so calm, when he looks into Isak’s eyes. Jonas has always been his rock. He feels so bad for keeping this from him.

“What is it?” Jonas asks, after a long silence. Isak puts his untouched beer away. He doesn’t want to spill it all over his bed, his hands are almost shaking. He doesn’t know where to start. So he just says it.

“I’m gay.”

There it is. His secret. Isak expected the words to hit the floor with a heavy thud, or shatter something, but instead they just float away. The biggest deal of his life suddenly doesn’t feel like it’s a deal at all. That gives him courage to look at Jonas from the corner of his eye. Jonas is smiling.

“Fucking finally!”

Isak looks at Jonas properly now, frowning.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, fucking finally”, Jonas repeats, proving Isak heard him right the first time.

“You’ve been expecting this?” Isak asks. Jonas nods.

“Well, not exactly this”, Jonas says. He is still smiling. That’s oddly inappropriate? “I’ve seen something has been going on, for years. I suspected it was something with your parents, and I’ve been waiting for you to tell me what’s wrong. Not that it’s wrong that you’re gay. Nothing wrong with that. But you were obviously hurting, so I expected something bad.”

Isak can only nod, slowly. He is really doing his best to process all this.

“Why haven’t you asked?” Isak manages to get it out. If Jonas has seen he has been hurting, why hasn’t he asked? Jonas shrugs.

“I tried a couple of times, but you were refusing to talk about it very enthusiastically.”

Isak has no memory of Jonas ever asking. He remembers hoping Jonas would ask, but not a single time he actually asked. Has he blacked out every time? Does Jonas remember it wrong? Is he lying? He could be lying. It wouldn’t be the first time Jonas lied about something like this, to make himself look better.

“Oh”, Isak just says, lowering his eyes. “Well. It’s in the past. This is now. And this is me telling you, fucking finally, that I’m gay.”

“Are you gay for someone special?” Jonas asks. Isak shakes his head, but he is blushing.

“Just generally gay. I love dick. Not any particular one.” Mainly, because he hasn’t yet seen the particular one he is interested in. And he never will, either. He’ll have to settle for other dicks, gay ones, available ones, and luckily there are plenty of those around.

“Does anybody else know?”

Isak nods.

“My room mates know. Everyone at the uni knows. And of course all the guys I’ve blown.”

Jonas laughs. Isak tries to hear if it still sounds the same. He can’t make out any difference.


	23. Chapter 23

Jonas is looking at Isak with his eyes twinkling and a sort of wicked grin on his lips.

“So, all the guys?”

Isak blushes, without really knowing why. His subconscious obviously knows, but his brain hasn’t caught up yet.

“What?”

Jonas leans back in his chair and crosses his hands behind his neck.

“All they guys you’ve blown, you said. All the guys. That sounds like there are quite a few of them.” Jonas is still grinning. He is having way too much fun with this. “I mean, I never thought you’d be slutty.”

Isak knew blushing was the right move. Jonas thinks he’s a slut. He isn’t wrong, and yet, he is. Isak isn’t slutty. Issy is. There is a difference. It’s a difference that’s hard to see sometimes, but it is there, and it means something. It means everything.

“How many, Is?” Jonas sounds so keen. He must be having a field day with gossip this juicy. Isak shrugs.

“I don’t know. It’s not like I’m keeping count.” The truth is he really doesn’t know. He can’t be sure he remembers every dick Issy has played with, he can’t tell if he’s mixing them together or remembering one guy as two or more. Multiple guys as one. It doesn’t help that some nights he has been very, very drunk.

Jonas isn’t giving up that easily. Isak didn’t expect him to.

“Guess?”

Isak sighs. Fine. He thinks about it for a moment. How many dicks, Issy? How much of a slut are you?

“More than ten, less than twenty?”

Jonas whistles.

“In three months?”

Isak pulls his pillow in his lap and hugs it. Fucking slut, Issy. Filthy, dirty little cocksucker. A whore, but desperate enough to give it away for free.

“I haven’t blown all of them.” Not even close. He didn’t blow the guy from last night, for example. He also didn’t ask his name. Slut.

“Where do you even find them? Do have an app or something?”

Isak shakes his head. No, he doesn’t. Issy does, but Isak doesn’t really let him use it to hook up. Just sexting. Once a week. He has to keep Issy under control.

Or, had to? Now that Jonas knows, who is he really hiding from anymore? The answer is painfully obvious. He doesn’t want Even to meet Issy. Issy doesn’t deserve him. Isak doesn’t either, but Issy has it worse.

“I go to clubs. I was at one last night.” Isak doesn’t know why he is telling that to Jonas. Probably because Jonas would see the bruises when they go to bed, and he would ask about them. Isak sets the pillow aside and pulls his shirt up, to show Jonas the marks. Jonas leans in closer, his brows arched.

“Wow. I’ve never been to a club like that.” Jonas’ eyes get a certain twinkle. The bottom of Isak’s belly feels heavy. Fuck, no. No. “Take me there tonight.”

Fuck!

Isak licks his lips slowly.

“I don’t think you’d like it there”, he tries. “There aren’t any girls.”

“No, no, that sounds perfect. I’m done with girls for the time being.”

“Oh? Has something happened?” If Isak could get Jonas to open up about some girl, maybe Jonas will forget about this going to a gay club thing. Sure, Isak could take Jonas there, but Issy would definitely come out and ruin everything. The horny bitch might come on to Jonas.

“Nah, nothing interesting. Bitches be crazy, you know?”

Isak nods. Oh yes, he knows.

“So”, Jonas says, grinning wickedly and leaning back in his chair again. “We’re so going to that club tonight.”

Isak doesn’t want to. He really, really doesn’t want to risk it. He knows Jonas isn’t going to let this go, he recognises that look. That certain glint in Jonas’ eyes.

“Why? I just was there, and we’re having a house party tomorrow. In your honour, if I may add.”

“Exactly! We can’t go tomorrow, because of the party. It would be super rude of me to ditch the party that’s been arranged in my honour, right?” Right. Isak nods. It would be rude. Jonas nods too, and continues: “That’s settled, then. You’re taking me out tonight. What do you wear at a gay club?”

Isak would love to tell Jonas that the same thing you’d wear to a straight club. But that’s not the case. Not with this particular place. Most people wear substantially less. That’s why Issy wanted to go there.

“Uh. Not much?”

Jonas throws his head back when he laughs. He seems to be chill with the idea. Isak still doesn’t think it’s a good one. He is squirming a bit.

“Are you really sure? You’re a good looking guy, and people will assume you’re there to hook up with other guys. They will come on to you.”

“I seriously doubt that if I’m with you”, Jonas says. “I’ll be the ugly friend.”

Isak looks at Jonas for a moment. Now that he doesn’t have his winter clothes on, it’s obvious he’s been doing some lifting. His shoulder line is delicious.

“I mean it, Jonas. Gay guys are into guys. You’re a very guylike guy.”

Jonas grins. Isak is suspecting he wouldn’t really mind the attention. It’s because he doesn’t know how intense that attention can get in that place.

“How many times have you come with me to a regular club, watching me hook up with girls? It’s about time I come with you and watch you get it on for a change.”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“You want to watch me get it on with some guy? Seriously?”

“To be honest, I’ll be happy to see you get it on with anyone like you mean it.”

Isak sighs. Jonas is right. He hasn’t seen that happen before. He has seen Isak make out with girls, but he hasn’t indeed meant it. He can feel Issy pull on his ropes already. He wants to go out and play. He wants Jonas to see it, he wants to be seen by the boy he has once loved so hard.

“Fine. We’ll go. But it’s not my fault if someone gets handsy with you. Friday nights can be wild.”

Jonas claps his hands together.

“Yesss! I hope I brought something appropriate to wear.”

“You must mean inappropriate.”

Jonas laughs. It makes Isak feel a bit lighter. He told Jonas. Jonas knows now, and he accepts it, and embraces it, and that is even more important than Isak anticipated. He takes his beer to join the toast Jonas makes for tonight. The bottles clink together, like a bell at the beginning of a match.

Isak puts Issy’s pre-party playlist on. Jonas is over the moon with how gay all the songs are. It almost makes Isak feel like he’s putting up a show for Jonas, but in a way he is. He is stepping into the spotlight, fucking finally.


	24. Chapter 24

The club was still a bit quiet when Isak and Jonas got there, but it didn’t take long for it to wake up. The music is pumping, people are dancing, lights are flashing and the booze is flowing. A significant amount of it is flowing down Isak’s throat. Shot after shot he is feeling better about this. Issy has been excited about getting out for a second night in a row, and Isak is almost ready to let him go. Jonas is almost drunk enough to not notice the change.

Isak takes four shot glasses between his fingers and returns with them to their table. He puts two in front of Jonas and takes two for himself. Jonas is both delighted and suspicious.

“We’re going to be so fucking sick tomorrow”, Jonas says. Isak shakes his head.

“Not if we don't’ stop drinking.”

Jonas laughs.

“Jesus, Is! I have to meet my parents Sunday, I must be in shape by then.”

Isak rolls his eyes and takes a shot.

“More for me.”

“What! It will be my fault if you die because of alcohol poisoning?”

Isak shrugs. It might be. He knows all Jonas wants is an excuse to take that shot, and he is proved to be right. Jonas takes two shots in a row, hits the glasses on the table and grimaces.

“Fuck!”

Isak empties his other glass as well and wipes the corner of his mouth with his thumb. He is buzzing. He is electrified. He can feel the eyes on his bare waistline, the feathery touches of the backs of fingers passing over his lower back. Invitations. He hasn’t followed them yet. He wonders if Jonas has felt anything similar tonight.

Jonas says something. Isak can’t make it out. He has to lean in closer.

“I said you look great. Like you belong.”

Isak blushes. He looks like he belongs. In the gayest, sluttiest club in Oslo. He is in there with Jonas, and he has glitter on his cheekbones, no waistband and button on his jeans and half a bottle of vodka in his belly. Jonas jumps, then laughs.

“What?” Isak asks. Jonas shakes his head and looks over his shoulder.

“No thanks!” Jonas turns back to Isak, grinning. “Someone just grabbed my ass!”

Isak licks his lips quickly. Jonas doesn’t seem to mind the attention he’s receiving.

“I told you this is that kind of a club. They must stop if you tell them no, but it’s cool to make a move.”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s cool”, Jonas says. “Seen anyone you like yet?”

Isak shakes his head. It’s a lie. He has seen many guys, Issy would have gone with any of them, but he doesn’t -- Jonas is watching. It feels weird. Too weird.

“Really? How picky are you? There are some insanely hot guys in here.”

Isak looks around. Jonas is right. There are so many hot guys, and quite a few of them have been checking Isak out. He could get someone with a snap of his fingers.

“Yeah”, Isak just says, with a half shrug. He is about to say something more, but he gets interrupted by a young man, who gets pressed on his back on their table, making the shot glasses roll everywhere. Another man leans over the first one, pinning him down and kissing him. Isak just stares at them. Then they notice what just happened. The guy on the table laughs and apologizes, and follows the other guy as he pulls him with him from the shirt.

Jonas seems to be thrilled.

“This is the greatest club I’ve ever been at! If only there were some girls too.”

“No girls is the whole point of the place, Jonas.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.” Jonas looks around, smiling. Isak is happy to see he is having a good time tonight. He can be a part of Isak’s life, his world, and that’s important. Jonas is important. Jonas says something, and Isak can’t hear him again. Jonas waves with his hand, beckoning Isak to his side of the table, and Isak moves there.

“What is it?”

Jonas leans in closer to Isak’s ear.

“Can I kiss you?”

What?

No, really, what?

What?

Isak’s brain shuts down around that question. The club disappears, he can’t hear the music, see anyone else, just Jonas and his question. Can Jonas kiss him? How drunk is he?

“What? Why?”

“Just curious. I’ve been watching guys kissing each other for hours now, and they seem to enjoy it. Looks fun. I want to try.”

“If you want to kiss a guy, we are literally surrounded by guys who find that idea appealing.”

Jonas shakes his head.

“No. It’d be rude to lead them on like that. I don’t want anything more, just a kiss, to see how it feels.”

Isak’s heart is racing. Six months ago this would have been a dream come true. Now it feels more like a nightmare.

“Girls kiss their friends all the time”, Jonas says. “Why can’t guys do the same?”

Isak wants to run away. He can’t feel his legs. There is only one way out of this, isn’t there? He licks his lips quickly, then pecks them on Jonas’ lips and pulls back.

“There. Happy now?”

Jonas laughs. He places his hand on Isak’s bare lower back and guides him closer. Closer. His hand feels so warm, and so heavy.

“Come on, Is. It’s just a kiss. Help a friend out, will you?” There’s a glint in Jonas’ eyes again. It’s a challenge.

Issy shoves his elbow in Isak’s ribs and pushes past him. He slips his hands behind Jonas’ neck, his fingers sinking into the dark soft curls, and throws his leg over Jonas’ legs. He sits down in Jonas’ lap, straddling him, and kisses him. Here, motherfucker, here’s a kiss for you, a kiss that weighs as much as two years and a couple of months worth of heartache. Jonas holds Isak’s ass for support and kisses him back.

When they finally stop Isak can barely breathe. His legs are shaking as his pushes himself off Jonas’ lap. He wipes his mouth on the side of his hand.

“Well?”

Jonas chuckles.

“To be honest, not bad. But I really missed the boobs.”

Isak is so relieved. He is relieved that Jonas didn’t taste anything odd in the kiss, he is relieved it’s over, he is relieved that he doesn’t want another kiss himself, either. Maybe he can get his best friend back, after all the years of messy, confused feelings. He would like that.

“I’m not getting a boob job for you, sorry.”

Jonas laughs. He has been laughing a lot tonight. It’s a wonderful sound.

“I’ll go get us some water”, Isak says and turns to head for the bar. He freezes on his tracks when he sees the tall, blonde guy who is obviously staring at him and Jonas. Isak doesn’t know how it’s possible, but that guy is Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I couldn't resist the temptation. I still promise there's going to be no Josak, this is going to create another mess completely!


	25. Chapter 25

It’s probably a bad idea to go out to a club when you’re going to have a party the next night. But Even isn’t planning to get drunk tonight. He has other plans. He’s going to get laid. This time he is smarter than last night. He makes sure the coast is clear before he leaves. He has been listening to Isak and Jonas all night, and when he hears them leave the door he waits for five minutes before exiting his room. He is wearing the same outfit he had on yesterday. The way it made Isak look at him was. Well. It was proof that this outfit works the way it’s supposed to. It will get him laid.

Even is a bit scared of the club he is heading for. From what he’s heard, it’s pretty wild. That’s exactly why he has chosen it for this purpose. He will definitely not run into Isak and Jonas there, because Jonas apparently still doesn’t know that Isak is gay. He will also definitely run into someone who is, so to speak, down to fuck. Win-win, really, if only it wasn’t so scary.

He can do this. He wants to do this, and in a way, he has to do this. If he wants to get forward with his life, he doesn’t have a choice. He must have sex with a guy. All the way. Even takes a deep breath and enters the queue outside the club. He doesn’t have to stand there for long, until the bouncer waves his hands at him. Even walks to him.

“Nice to have a fresh face”, the man says, with a wink, and lets Even in. Even does his best to keep a smile on his lips. A flirty smile, a nice smile, a cute smile. It hides how terrified of this place and of what’s about to happen he really is.

At least the music isn’t terrible. It’s on loud, a bit too loud, like always at clubs, but it’s tolerable. All the people are so pretty. Even leaves his winter clothes in the cloak room and wanders further inside the club. So many guys. Cute guys. Many people are dancing. Many people are drinking. Many people are making out, right there in the open. That’s what Even should have expected, coming here, but it still catches him by surprise. They’re so bold.

Like those guys there. Tongues deep in each other’s throats, one straddling the other one, and the one being straddled holding the other one’s ass very firmly. Even is just about to turn his eyes away out of a burst of ridiculous, out of place modesty, when he realizes something. That ass, held firmly, belongs to Isak.

Who is that guy? Is it Jonas? It can’t be. Jonas doesn’t even know Isak is gay! He can’t be kissing Isak like that! It’s not -- it doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense anymore, and Even can’t move, he can’t look away. Isak is kissing someone, enthusiastically, and Even is unbearably, uncontrollably jealous. Isak went out last night, too, and he looked just as good as he’s looking today, and how many guys has Isak been kissing like that this week? Why isn’t any of them Even?

He should just go, before he gets caught, he thinks, then it’s too late. Isak pulls away from the kiss and wipes his mouth. He says something to the guy Even assumes is Jonas, maybe-Jonas laughs, and then Isak turns around. He seems to sort of stop, like someone pressed pause on a video. Isak stops moving in mid-motion, his face goes kind of blank for a split second. Then someone presses play, and Isak rushes towards him, his eyes filled with lightning.

“What the fuck are you doing here?!” Isak hisses and screams at the same time. He stops way, way too close to Even, and clenches his fists. Even doesn’t know what to say. What the fuck is he doing here? Why is Isak screaming at him? Why is he so angry?

“You dirty cheater!” Isak shouts and slaps Even’s shoulder. It doesn’t hurt, mainly because Even doesn’t have any feeling in his whole body. He doesn’t understand. Cheater? Who is he cheating on? Isak hits him again.

“You’re supposed to be with Magnus, asshole! He’s the best guy in the world and he  _ really likes you _ and this is how much you appreciate it?! You come here to hook up with some skank?”

Oh. Right. Magnus. Even forgot about him in his nervousness. Isak is sort of right, perhaps, but Even is still surprised by how intense his reaction to this is. He must really like Magnus. Even can understand why, Magnus really is adorable and sweet. Just what someone like Isak needs.

“I --”

“Fuck you! Fuck you, you fucking ungrateful slut! How dare you do this to him? How dare you lead him on like this? You’re the first guy he has ever liked! You should be more careful with him!”

Even could remind Isak that Magnus is the first guy Even has ever agreed to go on a date with, too. He doesn’t. Isak doesn’t seem like he’s interested in listening to anything Even has to say.

Besides, Isak is right. Even is an ungrateful bitch. He has come here to hook up with someone, despite Magnus, despite his own feelings towards Isak. He has come here with one goal in his mind, and there is no way he can defend himself. He is a slut.

Isak is so pretty with that glitter on his cheeks, and those freshly kissed lips. Even wants to kiss him, too, he wants it so bad it feels like a physical pain. Or maybe it’s all that hitting Isak is doing.

“You don’t deserve him! You don’t deserve real love, fucking whore!”

“Okay, Is, that’s enough.”

The guy Isak was kissing has come to them and grabs Isak’s arm so he can’t hit Even again. Even looks at him, briefly, just a glance. He’s handsome. Nice eyes. They’re looking at Even, apologetically.

“I’m sorry, he’s really drunk.”

“I’m really pissed off!” Isak yells, as the guy pulls him back, further away from Even. He nods at Even over Isak’s shoulder.

“I’m Jonas. What’s going on with you and Is?”

Even doesn’t know how to answer that question. There is so much going on, and at the same time absolutely nothing. At least he now knows that Jonas is probably aware of Isak being gay.

“I live with him”, Even manages to come up with. Isak tries to attack him again, but Jonas is stopping him.

“Okay, you’ve had enough for tonight”, Jonas tells Isak. “We’re leaving. Now.”

Even spots a couple of security guys approaching them. Isak has to calm down before they all get banned from here or something.

“Isak, I’m sorry. You’re right. I just got here, and I’m leaving now. We can share a cab.”

Excuse me? What? How stupid is he?

Isak stops struggling. He has to grab Jonas for support to stay upright. He must be really drunk.

“A cab?” Isak asks. He doesn’t sound mad anymore. The security is still approaching, and Jonas sees them as well.

“Yes, that’s a good idea. Let’s go, Is. Come on.” Jonas takes Isak to get their coats. Even follows them. He didn’t even have anything to drink yet, and still he’s feeling sick to his stomach. The world is spinning too fast around him. He still can’t really feel his body. Isak’s words keep going around in circles in his head.

At least now he knows he won’t ever have a chance with Isak. Jonas, the guy Isak hadn’t come out of the closet to, got a chance, and Even never will. Jonas will take Isak with him in Isak’s room and pick up from where they left at the club, while Even will lie in his bed and try to come to terms with what a horrible person he really is. Isak is right. He doesn’t deserve Magnus. He doesn’t deserve anyone.


	26. Chapter 26

Jonas manages to get Isak home and into his room with Even’s help. It’s weird, really. Isak doesn’t feel all that drunk, but his legs are not working with him and he is just too tired to care about anything. He’s drained. An empty plastic bag, stuck on a bush, flapping in the wind. Jonas lays him down on the bed and turns to look at Even.

“Thank you. I’ll take it from here.”

Even nods. Isak watches him go. When he’s at the door, Jonas stops him one more time.

“I’m sorry about this”, Jonas says. Like it’s his fault. Like he was the crazy psycho bitch who attacked Even. Even just nods, in silence, and closes the door. Jonas turns to face Isak. He looks weird, too. The anger was expected, but the sadness seems out of place.

“Is, what the fuck?”

Isak pulls a pillow over his face and groans. He fucked up. He fucked up so royally. Even will never want to speak to him ever again, let alone anything else. Not after the names Issy called him.

Jonas grabs the pillow and pulls it away. Rude bastard.

“Oh, no you don’t. Let’s start with something simple. Like, who the fuck is Magnus?”

Isak covers his eyes with his hand. Jonas won’t have that, either, he takes Isak from the wrist and moves his hand away.

“You were really vicious and I want to know why. It’s not like you.”

Vicious. Now that’s a big word for Jonas.

Shut the fuck up, Issy. You’ve talked enough already.

“Magnus is like a human puppy”, Isak says. Jonas looks confused. That should be cleared tomorrow night, when Jonas meets Mags. If Mags is feeling better by then. “I met him at orientation. He’s super great. The best guy I know.”

Jonas pretends to be offended, but not out loud. He knows he’s not the best guy Isak knows, even though he is Isak’s best friend.

“Do you like him?” Jonas asks. Isak shakes his head.

“No. Not like that, no. Besides, he doesn’t like me. He likes Even. Fell for him at first sight, before that he didn’t know if he was even into guys at all.” And, of course, he had to fall for Even. The one guy Isak could want for himself, to keep. It’s okay, Mags will be much better to him. Tonight works as proof of that.

“Are they together?” Jonas asks. Isak sighs. And shrugs. He has no idea.

“They were supposed to have a date last night, but Magnus got sick. It was going to be their first date. And they have kissed once.” These days, all that adds up to some level of commitment, doesn’t it? It’s definitely much more than what Isak has got from Even, or ever will get. “Don’t you think it’s rude to go hook up while waiting for a date with someone who is really into you?”

“Yes”, Jonas agrees. “It’s rude. But it’s not technically cheating. And it’s definitely not enough to justify your behaviour. You were hitting him, for fuck’s sake. And telling him he doesn’t deserve love? That was just harsh.”

Isak knows Jonas is right. Even did not have his attack coming, by any measure. It’s not even any of Isak’s business. He was just so angry. He doesn’t remember deciding to go to Even, he remembers only his anger. How hurt he was. He still is.

“I’m sorry”, Isak sighs. “I ruined your big gay night out.”

Isak can tell from Jonas’ face that he hears the bitterness in Isak’s voice. It makes him frown, for a moment, deep in thought. It’s scary as fuck. Jonas sits down on the edge of Isak’s bed and leans a bit over him. He is watching Isak carefully, and there is something warm and tender in his eyes. At the very bottom, under all the worry.

“Have I been careless with you?” Jonas asks. Isak is too tired and too drunk, he knows he just made a face and that Jonas saw it. He can feel the grief rise inside him like a wave, it’s rolling over itself and growing higher in the process, ready to drown him. Isak turns on his side, his back to Jonas. He can’t look at Jonas now, he will break down.

“Yes”, Isak confesses, in a tiny whisper. Jonas has been careless with him. Isak squeezes his eyes shut. He thought that the screaming banshee was Issy. It wasn’t. It was him. He wasn’t mad at Even, he was mad at Jonas. He still is, so fucking mad, and it’s killing him.

“I’m the first guy you ever liked”, Jonas continues. His voice is calm. A bit sad. He isn’t asking a question, he is making a statement, and it’s true. Isak nods. He barely moves, but it’s a nod, and Jonas sees it. He places his hand on Isak’s shoulder. “Do you still like me?”

“I hate you so much right now”, Isak gasps. He pulls away from the touch. He isn’t good at this. Feeling things. Talking about his feelings. He has kept them secret for so long. “How could you?”

Jonas pulls his hand away.

“I didn’t know, Is. You never told me.”

“Why did you have to kiss me?” Isak whispers. He has dreamed about that kiss for so many nights, over and over again, he has  _ almost _ went for it a hundred times, and now that he didn’t want it anymore Jonas demanded it. It wasn’t fair.

“You didn’t seem to mind”, Jonas remarks. Isak curls up tighter. He is so ashamed of himself, of Issy, of the kiss, of his rant at Even. He has ruined everything with everyone he cares about.

“I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal”, Isak mutters. He was wrong. He was horribly wrong. It was a huge deal.

“So”, Jonas says, after a long silence. “You don’t think I deserve love?”

Now Isak can’t help it. He has to sniffle. Just a bit.

“I don’t think I was saying that to you. I think it was for Issy.”

It takes a moment for Jonas to break his stunned silence.

“That’s you. Right?”

Isak nods. Then he shakes his head.

“It’s complicated.”

“Move”, Jonas says. He pushes Isak's back gently.

“What?”

“Move over. I’m going to lie down, I’m tired.”

“Jonas --”

“I want to hear more about this complicated thing, but it sounds like a long story. I just want to lie down.”

Isak sighs. Fine. He scoots a bit closer to the wall, and feels Jonas crawl in the bed behind his back. He can feel his warmth, and his weight, and Issy really wants to turn around and kiss him again. Issy wants to slip his hand under Jonas’ clothes and touch his skin, feel those newly discovered muscles, each and every one of them. Issy’s mouth is watering at the thought of sliding his hand down Jonas’ abs and between his legs, to show him how gay a night out can get. He doesn’t even want Jonas, he just wants him to shut up and stop talking about difficult things.

“Whore”, Isak whispers to himself, barely audible.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m a fucking whore.” Isak covers his mouth with his palm and closes his eyes. Jonas wraps his arm around him.


	27. Chapter 27

Even can’t sleep. There’s not much new there, especially after being sick and sleeping basically for three days straight, but tonight he would love the oblivion of sleep. Which is, of course, denied. Whenever he closes his eyes he either sees Isak’s ass in Jonas’ hands - he still has no idea how Isak’s jeans stayed up - or the anger in Isak’s eyes as he was screaming at him.

Both images look beautiful, and both of them make him equally agitated. If he tries to think about something else, his thoughts are pulled back to Isak. He remembers how pretty Isak looked last night, when he was going out. His flirty smile when he told Even that --

That.

Sexting is a thing.

Just like that, Even is hard. He gasps quietly at his own sudden arousal, taken aback by how powerful it is. It’s like all his blood suddenly rushed into his dick, leaving him feeling light headed. The mere thought of sending Isak a dirty message makes him pant. He knows he can’t. Not after what happened tonight. Isak would crash through the wall and rip him to shreds for having the audacity to send him lewd texts behind Magnus’ back.

The idea is simple. Best ideas often are.

Even opens the messages and the conversation with Roommate Isak. He copies the number and saves it in his contacts. It’s easy enough to give the contact Isak’s name. Even looks at his phone for a moment, licking his lips slowly, at Isak’s name on the top of a new conversation. He types a message, and sends it. His heart is pounding.

_ You up? - Even _

The message is seen right away. Even waits for the reply. He is stroking at his chest with his fingertips, barely touching his skin, teasing himself. Will Magnus get the idea right away, or is he going to have to ask more directly?

He is feeling just a little bit bad about doing this. But he needs this. He needs something, and this is something. He needs to believe, even if falsely, that Isak doesn’t hate him. Just for a moment. One fevered race to the peak.

His phone buzzes. The screen has turned off, and when Even unlocks it, he sees a message from Isak. It makes his heart beat faster. This is working perfectly.

_ Yes. Can’t sleep? _

Even is breathing heavier and slower as he’s typing. It’s a bit tricky with just one hand. His other hand keeps exploring his skin, his fingertip circles his left nipple. He is such a bad, bad boy. About to do a bad, naughty thing.

_ Not with this hard on _

Send. The rush feels like a warm wave all over his body. It electrifies him. He is filled with lust and need, he imagines the boy reading his words and cracking his lips open, a light blush creeping to his cheeks. Even lets his hand slide down his chest, to his abs, then slowly back up again, while he’s waiting for the response. It doesn’t arrive. Maybe he wasn’t clear enough. It’s good to communicate your needs.

_ Want to help me out with it? _

Come on. Give the guy a hand. So to speak. Even looks at Isak’s name on the top of the screen, and slips his own hand lower. It passes over his thighs, his hip bones, teasing but not touching properly. He needs to be touched. He needs it so badly. When his phone buzzes again he wraps his fingers around his aching dick.

_ How can I help you? _

Magnus can’t sleep. He can’t calm down. Dad has come home and has taken over mom-watch for him, but after being on full alert mode for over a day Magnus doesn’t quite know how to stop. He could take a benzo, but he would have to dig one out from the locked box, and dad is probably awake too. He will notice if Magnus starts rummaging about.

For the same reason, he doesn’t dare get himself a knife. It would be also super hard to explain. Much harder than the benzo. He doesn’t really know what he would do with a knife anyway. He is just feeling so bad, and he remembered Issy’s stitches, and wondered if it would help. He’s getting to the point where he’s willing to try anything.

Fighting with mom is bad when she’s being her normal self. Fighting with her when she’s having an episode is its own special kind of hell. She says horrible things. Magnus knows she doesn’t mean them, not really, that it’s just her illness talking. It doesn’t mean those words don’t hurt.

At least he’s going to get to the party tomorrow night. He could see his friends and get drunk and forget about mom for a couple of hours. He could be normal. Happy. He likes being happy, and chooses to be whenever he can. During mom’s episodes he can’t really be happy when he’s home. It doesn’t feel right. If mom notices, she will be upset.

This will pass. Mom is back on her meds, and her routine, and she will get better again. It will only take some time. Magnus knows it. He tries to focus on that, the future, when things will be okay once more.

He takes his phone in his hand to pass the time. It’s not like he’s going to get any sleep tonight anyway, it doesn’t matter if he shines some blue light in his face. He opens Instagram and starts scrolling. All the doggo meme accounts he’s following have never disappointed him before, and they don’t do that now, either. In less than a minute Magnus is smiling again.

That smile gets wiped away when he gets a message. He reads it immediately. It’s from Even. Magnus kind of gave up when Even never texted him, and here he is now, asking if he’s up. Magnus hurries to add the number in his contacts before some glitch makes it disappear or something. He repeats it over and over again in his head, too, hoping to remember it. He probably won’t, not when he’s this tired and this wired up.

Oh. He should probably respond, too.

_ Yes. Can’t sleep? _

Idiot! Of course Even isn’t sleeping, he’s awake texting you! Magnus takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. At least he didn’t just text something more clearly idiotic, like  _ how about you _ or something like that. Now that he really thinks about it, he didn’t sound like an idiot at all. He doesn’t know why Even is up this late. Maybe he just got home from some gathering or club.

Then Magnus gets Even’s next message and stops thinking for a second, altogether.

Is Even -- sexting him?

Magnus blushes, so intensely that his cheeks feel like they’re on fire. He reads the message over and over again. That is definitely a sext message. If that’s even a real term. Sexting. What’s the singular noun of sexting?

Whatever it is, Even’s next message is definitely that, too. He wants Magnus to help him with his hard-on. That’s just. That’s intense. Magnus’ palms are sweating, his heart is thumping in his ears and his blood is rushing in his veins. He’s so happy he could burst, and so embarrassed he could implode, and those two kind of cancel each other out, but that just makes room for horny confusion.

Does he want to help Even out with it?

He doesn’t know. He has no idea what to do. He has never sexted with anyone, ever. What if he does it wrong? What if he sends the unsexiest sext message known to mankind, and puts Even off permanently? What if he doesn’t send anything, and puts Even off because of that?

It’s not a big deal. It’s just some words on a screen. He’s not really doing anything. They don’t mean a thing. He is making a big deal out of nothing, like he always does, when he gets flustered.

Okay. Deep breaths. He can do this. He can totally do this. He can give Even what he needs, and in return he gets to be in touch with Even. It’s a win-win kind of scenario, right? Magnus decides it is.

_ How can I help you? _

Magnus turns on his side and bends his legs. He is cradling his phone in his both hands, like he’s hiding it from the world. Like a dirty little secret.


	28. Chapter 28

Jonas rolls slowly over on his back, so Isak can snuggle up against him. He is so exhausted. He has been crying for what feels like hours, while Jonas has just held him and listened to his incoherent ramblings about kissing boys and hating himself for it.

“I’m crazy”, Isak sighs, rubbing his cheek on Jonas’ shoulder. “That’s it, isn’t it? I’m just crazy.”

“I don’t know, man”, Jonas says. “I mean,  _ technically, _ yeah, you’re batshit crazy. Old school madman. Jekyll and Hyde type of shit.”

Isak’s shoulders curl up. Jonas is right, he is crazy. Insane. A menace to society. Then Jonas continues.

“Yet, it kind of makes sense, doesn’t it? I know I never got along with your parents for a reason.” Jonas sighs. He runs his fingers up and down the back of Isak’s neck, gently. It’s soothing, not arousing, to Isak’s relief. “It must be hard to want something so much and think that it’s wrong.”

Isak nods. It is hard.

“It’s so hard that I can’t do it”, he sighs. He needs Issy for it. Issy is strong. He doesn’t take shit from anybody. Not even Isak, and like tonight, sometimes it creates problems.

“Liar”, Jonas says. Isak lifts his head.

“What?”

“I called you a liar, and now I know what happened to the top part of your pants. They burned.”

Isak laughs, surprised. Jonas is an idiot, but at least he’s a funny one. And confusing.

“What do you mean I’m a liar?”

“You can do it. You have been doing it for years, and here you are, still doing it.”

Isak huffs. Jonas is just trying to make him feel better with some mindfulness bullshit.

“It’s killing me.”

“But it hasn’t yet. And you are strong enough to bring it up and save yourself.” Jonas touches at Isak’s hair, lightly. It feels protective. “You’re going to make it, Is. This is you, making it.”

Never in his life, not once, has Isak ever felt this loved. It’s not the love Issy has been chasing desperately for the past three months. It’s the love Isak has been denied, by others and by himself, all his life. His sight is getting a bit blurry, and when he blinks he feel a couple of tears more run down his cheeks.

“I am?”

Jonas dries Isak’s face with the blanket.

“Yes. You are. Because now you’re not on your own anymore.”

“But -- I -- you’re so good to me. I dreamed about you for years, about gay stuff with you, and you really don’t mind?”

Jonas sighs. Very patiently.

“Of course I mind. It bothers me that you had to carry around a secret like that, and you couldn’t tell me what’s wrong. I’m also sorry that I didn’t like you like that. Or ever will. You are a great guy, Is, but you are a guy. I like girls.”

“I don’t know, you didn’t seem to mind kissing me”, Isak says, just to see Jonas’ disbelief. He is not disappointed. He grins, just a bit, to let Jonas off the hook.

“I deserved that”, Jonas agrees. “I’m sorry I was a bitch.”

“We both know which of us is the bitch”, Isak sighs. Now that he has let his anger out it feels so huge. How did it all fit inside him in the first place? “What the fuck am I going to say to Even?”

Jonas thinks about it for a moment. Isak lays his head down on Jonas’ chest, and listens to the calming rhythm of his heart.

“You could tell him you blacked out”, Jonas says. “You were really drunk. You could barely walk to the cab.”

Isak nods slowly. Jonas is right. He must have seemed super drunk, more drunk than he actually was, just because he was so drained by his fit.

“Maybe. I should also apologize, of course. I hope he can forgive me.”

“I suppose some grovelling is in order, but he should forgive you. We can tell him you were really mad at me. It’s not like it’s not true.”

Isak nuzzles his face against Jonas’ collarbone. He is so embarrassed.

“I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

“Nah, I get it. You must have been scared shitless.” Jonas keeps stroking at Isak’s back, and Isak feels himself slowly relax against Jonas’ side.

“I was. I should have trusted you.”

“To be honest, I’m happy you didn’t tell me when you still liked me. I would have had to break your heart, and I don’t think my heart could have taken it.”

Isak smiles a bit.

“It would have. I can hear how strong it is.”

This is wrong.

This is so wrong. Even is throbbing in his hand, and squirming on his bed, but he can’t get the release he is after. He’s not even close. This is feeling too bad, in addition to all the good. It kind of feels like he is abusing someone, and he’s not sure who, but definitely someone. His great idea proves, once again, to be not so great after all.

Even looks at his phone. At all the dirty messages he has sent, and read in Isak’s name. It’s wrong. This is wrong. He deletes each and every one of them. Gone forever, goodbye. He lets go of his dick, that’s still rock hard, and rolls over on his side to type a message.

_ Thank you _

It doesn’t take long for the answer to arrive.

_ Was it good? _

Even licks his lips slowly. Was it good? Well, Even, was it? Did the poor guy you used for your own pleasure perform well enough for your satisfaction?

_ You were great _

It’s true. He was great. Even was terrible. A terrible person, a monster. He’s happy he didn’t come. He likes the burn of the need, it’s just what he deserves. He rests his phone on his chest and closes his eyes. He still hasn’t come with a guy. He still doesn’t know.

Even has almost dozed off when his phone wakes him up.

_ Could we maybe go on a date tomorrow before the party? _

It takes Even a moment to understand that it’s not Isak who is asking him for a date. It’s Magnus. Who has just done some serious sexting with him, out of his initiative, before their first date and barely knowing more about him than his name. Even wants to snap his fucking dick off when he remembers that Magnus hasn’t been with guys, either.

He is so fucking disgusting. And Magnus still wants to go out on a proper date with him. Even doesn’t want to. He doesn’t deserve love. He would take everything that’s good in Magnus and consume it until there’s nothing left.

_ I’m not coming to the party _

Even knows he didn’t give Magnus an answer. He doesn’t have one. He doesn’t want to go on a date, but he also doesn’t want to let Magnus know that. He can’t have both. He will have to choose.

_ Oh? Should we go somewhere else tomorrow night, then? _

Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck him.

_ No, no, you should go to the party _

Seriously, how much is it possible for one person to suck? This won’t do. He will have to do better. Even takes a deep breath and sends another message.

_ If you pick me up at four you’ll make it back here on time _

Three hours. It’s just three hours. He can do it.

When Even sees the four heart emoji on his screen he throws his phone in the pile of clothes in the corner. He pulls his blanket over his head and curls up into a tight ball.


	29. Chapter 29

Magnus is staring into the mirror with silent determination. He has earned this, he keeps telling himself. He has earned some nice time with someone he likes. He has been a good son, and he has been a good sport about the sexting, and he. Deserves. Some. Nice. Time.

He has deleted all the dirty messages, but just thinking about them makes him feel a bit queasy. In hindsight, it’s clear he wasn’t ready for something like that, but he agreed to it, and kept going, and it’s now in the past. It can’t be undone. At least Even enjoyed it. He thought Magnus was great.

A little blush rises on his cheeks. Even thinks he’s great. At least in some way. In something. It feels good, and a bit bad at the same time, but mostly good. He managed to be sexy enough for Even. He did well. He helped Even come.

Oh god, that’s an embarrassing and exciting thought. He has made another boy come. In a way, at least. It’s the gayest thing he has ever done, if you don’t count the accidental first kiss he stole from Even the other night. It’s definitely gayer than masturbating to gay porn, there he made only himself come while watching other boys make each other come, but this sexting thing, this is real. He has had a sexual experience with another boy. A gay experience. He didn’t really enjoy it, but he likes the idea of having done it.

He has been gay, together with Even. That’s good. That’s nice. That’s something he can pull over the lumpy pile of shame inside him, hiding it until it stops feeling so heavy.

Now, if he only could find a way to cover the fact that he’s stupid and childish, that would be great. It’s clear that Even is older and more experienced in dating in general than Magnus is. In a way he is happy their original date got canceled, because he would have looked like a fucking idiot to someone as mature as Even. He was going to take him to play games at the arcade, like some twelve-year-old. He thought it would have been nice, give them something to do and allow him plenty of time to watch Even while waiting for his turn, and the snack bar in there is really good. Now it’s clear it’s too childish. Even wants adult things. Because they are both adults now.

Magnus has to bite his lip and turn his eyes away from the mirror for a second, as shame claws at his insides. He was so excited to take Even to the arcade with him. He was going to win a prize for him. He has been practicing the basketball game all summer, and he is fairly confident he could win something, but Even would probably not be impressed by a tiny stuffed animal.

At least Magnus has a big dick.

The absurdity of that thought makes him chuckle out loud. It’s just so. Weird. How different he and Even are. Could this thing ever work, for real? Is there enough of a chance that it’s worth to risk possible heartbreak?

Magnus pulls his phone out of his back pocket and looks at Even’s picture. The one where he is all dressed up for their date. He looks so good. He is so hot. So tall, so skinny, and so pretty. He doesn’t look like someone who’s about to visit the arcade, that’s obvious, but he does look like someone Magnus would really want to take out on a date. He tries to think about options, but they’re all equally childish. Minigolf. Bowling. He would like to have something to do, instead of sitting by a table awkwardly and trying to come up with something to say.

What would he even say?

Hi Even, you know, the sexting made me feel super weird, let’s not do that again?

Hi Even, I hope you’re not planning on doing those things with me for real any time soon?

Hi Even, I’m sorry, but I’m not what you’re looking for?

Hi Even, please like me anyway?

Magnus sighs and puts his phone away. He should hit the shower, but the concept of nudity feels a bit uncomfortable right now. Last night was a terrible mistake, but it wasn’t anyone else’s fault but his own, and it’s his job to get over it. He will. He’s going to start with taking a shower like a normal person.

If only he could talk about this with someone. He thought about telling Issy, but he’s too ashamed to. Issy would be thrilled to learn that he has been sexting with Even, and all this difficult, troubling stuff would be buried under that excitement. Magnus doesn’t want to set himself up to be hurt by his friend. He hasn’t known Issy for long, but he’s already very important to him.

When he’s standing in the shower, Magnus allows himself a short cry. He mourns all the things he wanted to have with Even that would now never take place. The first, a bit cautious time they would hold hands. The first time Even would brush the hair away from Magnus’ eyes. The first time Even would kiss him, modestly and gently. Lying in a bed, just cuddling. They have fast forwarded past all those things, and many more, and Magnus would have liked to have them. He was wrong last night. They weren’t just words. They were lines, and he crossed them all, following Even into the white areas of the map.

It takes him a while to calm down. He is making a big deal out of nothing, once again. It was just sexting. People do it all the time. He has built it up into something else in his head, all by himself, he has created arbitrary rules of dating and forced himself to follow them. Even is in no way obligated to obey that rule set. Magnus can’t expect that from him.

It’s time for him to man up. He washes himself carefully, making sure every bit of him is absolutely clean just in case Even will want to touch or taste that particular spot. He considers touching himself to get rid of some of his nervous energy, but he can’t get it up. He isn’t feeling like it, anyway, and he suspects it would only increase his nervousness. He just gets clean, physically, because it’s the only way he can right now.

Magnus blow dries his hair just to create enough noise to drown out his thoughts. He keeps drying his hair even though it’s already dry. It looks nice when it’s flowing in the artificial wind. It reminds him of summer and the beach, the sunshine and the nice sea breeze.

Oh. Now he knows where he will take Even. It’s going to be perfect, because they will have to wear multiple layers of warm clothes. He puts the hairdryer down and sends Even a message, telling him he should dress for the outdoors. Then he hurries in the kitchen to see if they have any milk left.


	30. Chapter 30

Even is in the middle of a perfectly good pre-first-date meltdown, when someone knocks on his door. He shoves his long johns back in the closet and goes to get the door. Just as he suspected and feared, it’s Isak. He is holding a cup of coffee, and hands it over to Even. Even takes it, because that’s what you do when someone offers you coffee.

“Careful, it’s hot. Freshly made.”

“Okay?”

Even looks at Isak, even though it hurts. He remembers the anger he saw last night. There is no sign of it now, but it was there, and it was justified.

“I’m sorry about last night”, Isak sighs. “From what Jonas told me I said to you, I was way out of line.”

Even arches his brow. Oh? Isak doesn’t remember?

“You blacked out?”

Isak nods, blushing a bit. He is so gorgeous.

“Yes. Apparently I also kissed Jonas? Please tell me he’s pulling my leg.”

Even has to shake his head. He saw what he saw.

“He shouldn’t have kissed you when you were that drunk”, he says. “But he did. When I walked in the club you were kissing.”

The blush gets brighter. Even wants to hug Isak and tell him it’s okay, but it’s not. Nothing is okay.

“Oh. No wonder I was mad at him.”

“At him?”

Isak rubs at the back of his neck. Even’s eyes follow the motion. Isak has a pretty neck. It’s so long.

“Yeah. I remember I was super mad at Jonas last night. I don’t remember being mad at you, and. I suspect you were collateral damage. At the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Even chuckles, darkly.

“That was pretty much what you told me last night. Wrong place. Wrong time.”

“Fuck, I’m so sorry. I was so out of line.” Isak looks at Even. His eyes are glistening. “You must believe I didn’t mean any of that.”

Even does his best to smile at Isak. He’s pretty sure he’s got it.

“I believe you.” He believes Isak didn’t mean it. But that doesn’t make Isak any less right. He didn’t mean to tell Even the truth last night, but it was the truth nonetheless. He doesn’t deserve love, and the sooner he comes to terms with it, the better.

Isak’s smile is so pretty. It’s super hard to imagine coming to terms with not ever having Isak as his, smiling at him just because he’s there, but he doesn’t have a choice. He will have to accept his fate.

“So. We’re good?” Isak asks. Even nods.

“Yes. We’re good. Thanks for the coffee.” He raises the coffee like a toast. Isak smiles again, and Even’s knees feel a bit weak.

“Jonas said it’s best to come bearing gifts.”

“Well, thank Jonas for me, as well.” Even wants time to stop. He wants Isak to stand forever at his door, smiling at him. Forever.

“I will.” Even must be imagining it, but Isak seems reluctant to leave. He’s probably just being polite. “I should go get some vodka for the party. I promised Eskild.”

“I would not come between Eskild and vodka”, Even says. Isak makes a small giggle. It’s so fucking adorable.

“In that case, I’d better get going. Jonas promised to come with me to help me carry everything. It’s going to be one hell of a party.”

Even sips his coffee to hide his face.

“Mmhm. Can’t wait.”

The doorbell rings exactly at four. Even is happy he is home alone. No need to explain this to anyone. He is wearing a pair of long johns under his jeans, and thick knitted socks, and two hoodies over his t-shirt. He is getting hot, but he was given clear instructions and he followed them. He can barely see Magnus when he answers the door, he’s wrapped up in scarves and hats and a thick winter coat that looks super cosy.

“Hi!” Magnus says. Even can pretty much see only his eyes, but they are shining a light at seeing Even. He shouldn’t enjoy it this much. It’s not proper. It’s not right. Still, he smiles.

“Hi. Are we going right away?”

“Yes. I’m on a schedule, remember?” The shining settles down into a twinkle. It’s still hypnotic.

“Right. Right. Just a moment.” Even pulls his winter boots on. He takes his coat, and his scarf and hat, and puts them on. Magnus isn’t satisfied.

“Don’t you have mittens?”

Even frowns. Mittens?

“No? Do I need some?”

“Yes, you do! Can you borrow a pair from someone?”

Even rummages through the basket on the hat shelf. He finds two mittens, but they don’t match. They will do, he decides, and pulls them on.

“Okay?”

Magnus is smiling. Even can’t see his mouth, but can tell he is smiling.

“Perfect. Let’s go.”

The trip on the tram is hot in an uncomfortable way. Even is almost sweating. He shoves his hat and mittens in his pockets. Magnus also peels a couple of rounds of his scarf off, and Even can see his face. It is a cute face. Even really wishes he would like it more. In a more intimate way. Magnus is adorable, and awesome, and there’s no reason Even shouldn’t like him. He just doesn’t. He is an idiot.

It’s a relief to get out of the tram. It takes Even a moment to realize where they are. Magnus is walking with determination, and Even follows him, though he doesn’t understand why they are going to the beach in the middle of October. The sun has already set, and the thick clouds hide the sky and eat up all the light. When the streetlights end it’s just dark, and Magnus is walking into that darkness.

It’s windy out here. The wind is brutal, and Even hurries to dig out his hat and mittens and put them on. That’s better. He is happy Magnus made him wear mittens. The sand feels weird under his boots. He doesn’t remember the last time he was at the beach. Maybe as a kid? He can hear the sea, the waves rolling into shore in a steady rhythm.

“Are you going to kill me and dump my body into the sea?”

Magnus laughs.

“What? Of course not! I would embalm it so I can keep it forever. Do you know what the sea water would do to your body? It would be such a waste.” Magnus stops talking, and walking. He turns to look at Even. “Oh god, I’m sorry! That was so creepy. I’m nervous, I don’t stop talking when I’m nervous.”

Even gives Magnus his best reassuring smile. Magnus might not see it properly in this darkness.

“It’s okay. But I am curious to find out why we’re here.”

“I’ve only been here in summer. I wanted to see what it’s like now.”

Oh. That makes sense, while it doesn’t. Even can only nod. Magnus takes a small flashlight from his backpack and lights their way. They walk to the fire pit, where Magnus spreads a blanket on the bench before they sit down.

“I considered bringing some firewood but I don’t know if someone would come and arrest us or something”, Magnus says. He gives Even a metal mug. “Here. I made us hot chocolate.”

This guy isn’t real. He is some kind of imaginary friend. A figment of Even’s imagination, a creation of his deranged mind, desperate for someone like Magnus.

“I used to love hot chocolate. I haven’t had any in years.”

“In that case, you’re in for a treat. It tastes best outside, when it’s cold. Preferably out in the snow, but we can pretend the sand is snow.” Magnus pours them some hot chocolate. It’s still steaming. Magnus has a good thermos flask, it seems. Suitable for a hot chocolate outdoors enthusiast.

The first sip throws Even back into his childhood. It’s a happy memory, a general feeling of comfort and warmth. If Magnus was a drink, Even thinks, he would be hot chocolate. With a good dollop of whipped cream.

“I have an idea”, Even says. He takes his phone out and searches YouTube. He finds a fireplace video easily, turns the volume up and props the phone on his knee. Magnus loves it. Even can see his face better now that the screen gives it some light.

They don’t talk much. They focus on the hot chocolate, the cold air nipping at their cheeks, the flames on the screen. It’s really nice. This is a nice date. A super weird one, but still nice. They get two refills, and then the flask is empty and Magnus packs it away.

“Even?” Magnus asks. Even turns towards him. Magnus has some hot chocolate above his top lip. Even licks his own lips, and Magnus mimics the gesture.

“Yes?”

Magnus touches Even’s knee. Lightly.

“I’d like to kiss you. May I?”

Even wants to say yes, simply because Magnus asks. He nods. Magnus may kiss him. He makes it easier, too, by leaning down for him. Magnus looks at his face, suddenly solemn. He takes his mitten off, grabs Even’s scarf and pulls it lower. From there his fingers move on to Even’s jawline, under his ear, and pull him a bit closer still, until their lips meet in a kiss.

The kiss doesn’t last long. It gets interrupted by a giggle. Magnus is giggling into Even’s confused mouth, then he pulls back, shaking his head. He giggles again, or it’s almost laughter, and it sounds relieved.

“No”, Magnus says. “Right?”

Even doesn’t quite understand. Magnus’ eyes are twinkling again, in a warmer shade.

“I’m sorry, but there just isn’t anything, is there? You’re a god among men, and your lips are incredibly kissable, but it’s. Something is missing.”

Oh. Ohhh.

Even nods.

“Yes.” Something is indeed missing. It was a nice kiss, but it didn’t really do anything. It felt like ticking a box.

Magnus wraps his arms around Even and hugs him, tightly.

“I thought it was the date. That it was going badly, that I was stupid to bring you here, but that’s not it. We simply don’t match that way. Right?”

Even can’t really believe how lucky he is. He is really getting off the hook, just like that? He could kiss Magnus again, just because he’s so relieved.

“Right. The date is very nice, I'm having a great time.”

Magnus is beaming.

“I’d like to be your friend, though? Can we be friends?”

It comes so easy for Magnus. He wants a friend, he asks for one. Even doesn’t have any friends, other than Eskild, and kind of Isak, and he has no idea how to make any. It’s good that Magnus seems to know.

“I think I’d like that.”


	31. Chapter 31

Isak turns the music up a bit louder. It’s important for the atmosphere of a good house party, that the music can be heard through the apartment door in the stairs. Besides, this is a great song. Isak hums along to it as he goes to check the status of the punch in the kitchen. Eskild demanded to be in charge of it, and Isak should make sure there’s more juice in it than just for colour.

Isak looks around in the kitchen.

“Eskild? Where is the punch?”

“In the bucket”, Eskild says, pointing at the sink. Isak looks at the pink plastic bucket, sitting in the bottom of the sink, in disbelief.

“That’s disgusting?”

“No it’s not. It’s convenient! First of all, we don’t own a fucking punch bowl, because we are apparently animals. Second, people always, always make a mess with punch bowls. Now it stays in the sink. Third, that is a brand new, food grade bucket, and I’m going to decorate the handle with some tinsel. Festive AF!”

“I like it”, Jonas says from the kitchen door. “I always get stressed about spilling punch.”

“See?” Eskild sounds triumphant. Isak lets him have it. It’s not like it’s going to actually matter, anyway, as long as there is alcohol in the punch. And something else, too, otherwise it won’t be punch, and Issy wants punch in this party. It is his great coming out party, after all.

Well, it’s not technically a coming out party. It’s not like he’s going to make an announcement or anything, he is just going to enjoy the party as Issy, and let his room mates see him like that. Maybe they will ask, maybe they won’t. After talking about this with Jonas for half the night and all day, he knows it’s something he has to do. He has to let Issy out. He has to let himself go, and be, and love, and kiss boys.

It’s just so scary. To lose control. He has needed that control for so long. If he would have slipped back home, there would have been hell to pay. Literally. But Jonas is right. Isak doesn’t need Issy anymore, and he is starting to become more of a problem than a solution. It’s time for him to go.

Isak is pretty sure he can’t do it. He told Jonas he would. He is certain Jonas won’t notice if he doesn’t. The party is going to be full of new people for him to meet, and Jonas loves meeting people. Charming them. Isak s certain Jonas is going to hook up tonight. The girls love a fresh face, too.

“Isak? Hello?”

Isak blinks. Oh. Right.

“Yes, I see. The bucket can stay, but you better make it festive.”

“Yes!” Eskild exclaims and gives Jonas a high five on his way out. “I’m going to bedazzle the shit out of that bucket.”

“I bet you are”, Isak mumbles. He takes a paper cup and scoops some punch in it. At least the cup isn’t dissolving. That’s good. He sniffs at the drink suspiciously, then takes a tiny little sip.

“Well?” Jonas comes to have a taste, too. He takes the cup from Isak and drinks. “Ooh. That’s tasty.”

Isak agrees. It’s tasty. He can barely taste the alcohol, and he is sure there is a lot of it in that bucket.

“It needs a sign or something. People have to be warned about how strong it is.”

“I’m on it”, Jonas says, with a grin, and hurries after Eskild. “Yo, E! Turn your hot glue gun on, we need a festive sign.”

“Hot glue gun? That’s what you call yours?”

Eskild and Jonas laugh. Isak empties his cup. He is happy that Eskild and Jonas get along so well. It was expected. They are much alike in many ways, and they are both into people. Isak is a bit more nervous about Jonas meeting Even, properly. Their first meeting was such a disaster.

Isak hears the apartment door open. His heart is immediately on full flutter mode. It’s Even. Even is home. Isak really has to control himself so he doesn’t run to meet Even. He is on his way, though, walking, when he freezes in the middle of taking a step.

“Are you sure you’re not coming?” Magnus asks. He is with Even. Magnus and Even come in together, and that must mean they have been out together, which means they have been on a date. The fluttering in his chest turns into trashing about.

“Yeah, I’m exhausted. Didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Mm. Right.” Magnus sounds embarrassed. What has happened last night? Isak doesn’t want to know, and at the same time, he absolutely needs to. He pops out of the kitchen, smiling, pretending he didn’t hear anything.

“Oh, hello, you two. Did you have a good time?”

Even and Magnus look at him, then at each other. Even arches his brow, and Magnus nods.

“You go ahead. I’ll tell him.”

“Thank you.” Even barely looks at Isak as he retreats into his room. Magnus looks puzzled.

“Where did he go?” Magnus asks. His confusion seems to be catchy.

“Uhhh. His room?”

“But isn’t that his room?” Magnus points at Eskild’s door. Eskild and Jonas choose that exact moment to burst out into loud laughter.

“No? That’s Eskild’s room”, Isak says. It takes him a moment to remember, to understand why Magnus thinks it’s Even’s room. “Eskild found Even in his bed, sick like a dog, and let him stay there while he went to hook up with someone. Because Even couldn’t walk.”

Magnus looks terrified, for a second or two.

“Oh my god -- I thought that -- I mean -- oh my god.”

“Something wrong?” Why is Mags looking so shocked?

“That room made me believe Even is gay!” Magnus gasps. Isak can’t help it. He laughs, out loud. It’s funny, because it’s true. Eskild has the gayest room Isak has ever seen.

“Sorry! Sorry, I’m not laughing at you”, Isak tries to explain. Magnus still looks a bit offended. Or maybe he’s still upset about his mistake. “I can totally see why you thought that.”

“Is he gay?” Magnus asks. Isak hopes he isn’t wincing visibly.

“I don’t know. I thought you would? Aren’t you two dating?”

Magnus blushes. He looks kind of guilty.

“Can we turn the music down or something? I want to talk with you.”

Isak glances at the stereo. He doesn’t want to turn it down, it’s almost time for the party. The look on Magnus’ face is a serious vibe killer, though.

“Let’s go to my room.” Isak takes Magnus with him, and when they close the door, the music is muffled enough to speak at a normal volume, or a bit quieter. Magnus sits down on Isak’s bed. He looks upset.

“We’re not dating”, Magnus says. Isak almost punches his fist up in the air. Because fucking  _ yes. _

“Oh?”

“Yeah, we went on a date today, at the beach, and we kissed, and there was nothing. I still have a huge crush on him, but I don’t want to go anywhere with it. There’s nowhere to go, either.”

Isak is so happy. He is so happy and that’s terrible, he is a terrible person. His good, close, dear friend is visibly upset, and he is happy for himself. What a fucking bitch.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out”, Isak manages to lie. Well, it is partially true. He is sorry, for Magnus. Because Magnus deserves to be happy.

“Yeah”, Magnus sighs, his shoulders slumping. “Me too.”


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate this chapter. I hope I'm wrong.

While Isak understands why Even didn’t want to join the party after the date with Magnus, he is still disappointed Even isn’t there. He is relieved Jonas isn’t meeting him, for reasons unclear also to himself, but still. He misses Even’s presence. He misses looking at Even. He wanted to show Even how hard he can party.

Of course, he could never beat Eskild and Jonas. They could be professional party boys. Like now, when they are both dancing on the coffee table. Jonas is wearing the empty, bedazzled punch bucket as a hat, and he and Eskild are doing some ridiculous choreography together. It looks fun. They are laughing, and so are all the people around them, and it’s nice to see. Magnus is there too, he is shoving a napkin inside Jonas’ back pocket. Just like Jonas and Eskild clicked immediately, Magnus joined their buddy system effortlessly.

Isak is a bit jealous of that. Magnus is Issy’s best friend, and Jonas is Isak’s, and they are both so much cooler than he is. What if they become best friends with each other, and Isak is kicked to the curb? Isak  _ knows _ that’s not likely to happen, but he is getting drunk and tired enough to start imagining things. He hasn’t been in the mood for a party all night, and pretending that he is has worn him out.

He knows why he isn’t feeling it. He was, up until the moment Even returned home with Magnus. From a date. Where they had kissed. At the beach, after hot chocolate, which Even loves. Magnus told Issy everything about the date, and Isak curled up deep inside himself and gave it all he had so he didn’t scream. There Magnus is now, having fun with Isak’s best friend, just as if he didn’t already stomp Isak’s heart into the sand.

He can’t even retreat into his own room. It’s occupied. He promised Oskar he can hook up in there, as long as he cleans up afterwards. In hindsight, that was a stupid idea. Now he has nowhere to go. The kitchen is full of people talking, the living room is a disco and apparently a strip club, and Eskild’s room is strictly off limits in case Eskild hooks up.

Isak’s eyes stop at Even’s door. Why the fuck not?

Even comes to open when Isak knocks. He cracks the door just a bit, and looks at Isak through the crack. That’s good. Seeing all of Even at once could be too much for Isak to handle.

“Yes?”

Isak licks his lips slowly. He is feeling a bit dizzy. His knees are suddenly weaker.

“May I come in for a moment? I need a break.”

Even hesitates. Isak is wishing so hard he is almost praying. Please. Please.

“Okay”, Even says, and steps back. Isak slips in through the door and closes it behind him. He locks it, too. He doesn’t want anyone to disturb them. He is finally inside Even’s room, alone with him, and he wishes he wasn’t this drunk. What if he doesn’t remember everything in the morning?

It’s almost dark in the room. There’s just a small lamp on the desk. Isak can hear the music through the door and the walls. It’s not too bad, but it’s clearly there. It makes the room seem smaller, somehow, it’s like a cocoon around them. Or maybe it’s just Even’s presence. It takes over Isak’s whole world.

“It sounds like a good party”, Even says. Isak nods. Yes. It does sound great.

“Looks like one, too”, he says. Even nods. Does he understand what Isak means? It feels like he does. That Isak has spent the whole party on the outside, looking in. “Are you sure you don’t want to join us?”

“Yes”, Even says, as he lies down on the bed and grabs his phone. “I’m not in the mood for a party.”

Isak looks around. Even’s room looks a lot like his. It’s just a space to live in. A bed, a closet, a desk, a chair. Nothing extra, just the necessities. Isak hasn’t ever thought his room doesn’t look like a home, but seeing Even’s room makes him notice it. Neither of them have a home. Just a place where they live.

“All my friends are out there”, Isak says quietly. “I don’t want to go back in. That’s weird, isn’t it?”

“Mm. Maybe a bit.” Even isn’t looking at him. He is actually making an effort to not look. He must still be pissed off at Isak for last night. He is not wrong to be. Isak said horrible things to him, and the excuse he came up with is far from waterproof.

Isak leans his back on the door and slides down on the floor. He crosses his legs and wishes he took his phone with him. He didn’t. He hasn’t anything to do but sit here, listen to the party outside the room and look at Even, his face illuminated by the screen he is looking at.

Even puts his phone away. He still isn’t looking at Isak.

“You can stay if you want to”, Even says. Isak’s heart stops beating for a moment. He can stay. Even is letting him stay. Here. With him. Isak licks his lips slowly and decides to test his luck.

“Can I come up there?”

It takes Even a while to answer. Isak waits for him to say something, barely daring to breathe. Was he too bold? Did he ruin everything?

“Yes.” Even’s voice is suddenly so low. It’s almost like a vibration instead of a sound at all. It ripples across Isak’s skin, making it tingle all over. Isak turns on his hands and knees, and crawls to the bed on all fours. Even is watching him now, he’s finally looking at him, with keen interest. Isak lets Issy flash his best doe eyes at Even from down here. They manage to capture Even’s eyes, and Isak keeps them as his as he crawls up on the bed.

“Hi”, Isak whispers. Even doesn’t say anything, he just nods. Isak can’t believe how simple this is. He has wanted this to happen for so long, and things have been so complicated, and now all he had to do was ask. He crawls closer, with Even between his arms, until he can reach Even’s lips with his own.

It feels like coming home. Even tastes like belonging. Isak almost wants to cry, but that would definitely be too weird. He doesn’t cry, he just kisses Even, while pushing his body still closer to Even’s.

They have been kissing for a moment before Isak notices that  _ he _ is kissing Even. Issy isn’t here. It’s just him. He is kissing a boy, and it’s okay, because that boy is Even. Even, who is raising his hand on Isak’s cheek, whose fingers are shaking just a bit as they slide past Isak’s face and into his hair. Magnus said he didn’t feel anything when he kissed Even. He must have done something wrong. Isak can’t imagine this not feeling like something.

This feels like everything.


	33. Chapter 33

Even must be dreaming.

He is hearing the beat of the music through his sleep, and his slumbering brain imagines it’s Isak’s heart beating under his palm.

What explains Isak’s lips so vividly, so alive and enthusiastic, on his lips, he has no idea. He doesn’t ask, either, because the answer doesn’t matter. What matters is that he is kissing Isak, at least in a dream, and it is every bit as wonderful as he ever imagined it would be.

Just in case this isn’t a dream, Even is extra careful with making sure he touches Isak absolutely everywhere. He runs his hands along Isak’s body, over his shoulders, down his sides, across the gentle curve of his lower back, all the way to the firm mounds of his ass. He barely touches that, just gives a quick feel for the shape, then his hands move on to the back of the thighs. Isak spreads them, just a bit, so Even’s fingertips can slip on the inner thighs.

If this is a dream, it’s a very vivid one. Even can feel the weight of Isak’s body on his own. He can feel Isak’s squirming and his touches, almost frantic and hasty, exploring Even’s body everywhere just like Even is exploring Isak. He can taste Isak’s kiss, and how hungry it is, and this is different to anything Even has ever imagined kissing Isak would be like. He imagined Isak would be something more held back, something quiet and slow, not this white flame of passion.

He is not complaining.

Let’s say this is Isak. Let’s say this is actually happening. In that case, Even is now certain of one thing. He doesn’t know if he’s into guys, but he is definitely, absolutely, completely into Isak. He can’t get enough of the boy. Who is, for sure, a boy. Even can feel it against his thigh. It feels exciting. Inviting.

“Issy? Are you there?” Someone bangs on the door, making them both jump. Isak makes a small groan and rolls his eyes, then he looks into Even’s eyes as if to tell him to hold on to this mood while he deals with the disturbance. Isak pushes himself up, leaning on his hands, and looks over his shoulder.

“Yes! Fuck off!” Isak shouts, and stops to listen. No answer. That means they fucked off, right? Isak seems to think so, and he turns his attention back to Even. His eyes have a twinkle in them.

“Sorry about that, babe. Where were we?”

Even cracks his lips. He is awake. This is actually happening. He would have woken up to that racket at the door. That means he isn’t asleep. And that means Isak is really here. Even raises his hand, a bit shaky, and touches Isak’s cheek. Yes. He is really here. His skin is so warm.

Isak lowers himself back down against Even’s chest. They kiss, again, and now the kiss has a different flavour. It’s more considered. Isak is more focused in what he is doing, how his mouth is moving. He is a great kisser. His kisses are making Even pant. They are making him forget about the party outside his door. This is a private event. A party for two.

Isak’s tongue flicks at Even’s bottom lip. It makes Even moan quietly. Isak is delighted about that, he flicks again, purring. He is rewarded by another little moan. Even has never been all that vocal when having sex, but now it’s like he can’t help himself. Or yes, he could, but he doesn’t want to. He wants to let Isak know how much he likes this.

Very fucking much.

Isak seems pleased to hear it. He keeps smiling in the kisses, and lets his lips wander down the side of Even’s neck. They’re making Even gasp and grab Isak’s shoulder blades with his fingertips. It feels so good. It feels hot. Even’s head is spinning, and he probably should do more than what he is doing, but he doesn’t have the brain power to move. His head is full of Isak and his skilful lips.

Even jumps a bit when he feels Isak’s fingers on the bare skin of his waist. Isak has slipped his hand under his shirt, and Even fully supports that plan. He grabs the hem of Isak’s shirt and tugs at it. Isak gets the hint. He stops kissing Even’s neck and sits up on Even’s hips for long enough to peel his shirt off and throw it on the floor. Even stares at his bare chest, and he may or may not be drooling a bit.

Isak notices. He leans back on his hands, spreading his chest and abs out on display, and smiles a wicked little grinny smile. Even swallows, hard, and raises his hands on Isak’s skin. He strokes it slowly, careful to not miss a spot. Isak’s nipples are tight and erect. Even licks his lips when he looks at them. He runs his hand up to the right one and pinches it lightly. Isak throws his head back and moans.

Fuck, that’s hot. Even must be poking bruises on Isak’s ass. He pinches again, and Isak starts rocking his hips back and forth. He is rubbing at Even’s dick deliciously. It’s his turn to moan. Isak grins again, leans forward and rolls Even’s shirt up to his armpits. He keeps going, until his lips close around Even’s nipple.

“Fuck!” Even gasps. Isak giggles on his skin, and tugs at his nipple with his teeth again. Even is seeing stars. He is so turned on. He has never been his turned on with anyone, it almost feels like he could come from just this. Isak’s mouth on his skin, Isak’s hips pressing down and rubbing on his. It’s almost enough, yet it’s not.

Isak rolls off Even, releasing the pressure from his groin. Even misses it immediately, but Isak’s teeth biting a bit harder more than make up for it. Isak presses his body against Even’s side. His chest is so flat. Even really likes it. He likes everything about Isak, especially his mouth and his hand, that is sliding down his body and pop the button of his jeans open.

“Please”, Even mumbles between his gasps. “Please, Issy.”

Isak hums softly. He moves his mouth over to Even’s other nipple and slips his hand inside Even’s jeans. When his fingers wrap around Even’s throbbing dick and start moving, Isak rests his cheek on Even’s heaving chest. He is looking down at Even’s dick, half out of his pants, and touching it with much enthusiasm. Even pushes his fingers into Isak’s curls. He is thrusting his hips up in the air, into Isak's fist, the pumping motion that is vigorously working to pull a climax out of him. Isak squirms free from Even’s grip and slides down his body. Even can feel his breath on his dick. Is he going to -- will he?

“Come on my fucking face”, Isak mutters under his breath. Even can’t help it. He obeys. He comes, with a soft cry, he comes harder than in ages. He has no idea if he hits Isak’s face or not, he just comes. He can’t even open his eyes, he’s absolutely spent. He can hear Isak finish himself off, and he makes the loveliest little whimper when he comes. Even tries to make a sound of appreciation upon hearing it, but he isn’t sure if he succeeds or not.

The next thing Even notices through his thick, red mist of post orgasmic haze is the strip of light that appears and disappears on the wall. He should go lock his door, but he can’t move. He lets it be, he lets sleep take over him and with his last strength he pulls a blanket over his half naked hips.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit short again, I'm super tired. Sorry!

Tonight has been a raving success on many parts. Magnus has been on a nice date, kissed a lovely boy, figured out the nature of his crush and met some new friends. He hasn’t been thinking about his mother all night, if you don’t count a passing thought where he notices that nope, he still hasn’t thought about her, and feels kind of bad for a second or two before something else catches his attention again.

Like Jonas stepping on the coffee table and helping Eskild up with him. Magnus would join them but he isn’t invited, and the table would not hold their weight. He is left to be a spectator, but that’s a crucial part of every spectacle. And this is truly a spectacle. Especially when they come up with a choreography. Magnus is howling in laughter, and that hides nicely the sting of jealousy deep in his chest.

It’s stupid, really. He can’t claim people as his friends, and he can’t expect them to love him equally much in return. How needy can he get, really? It’s not appealing, and Magnus is lucky he understands it and never lets anyone see how desperate for them he is.

Magnus picks up a napkin from the floor and waves it at the boys on the table. Jonas wants it. He turns his butt towards Magnus and shakes it. Magnus slips the napkin in Jonas’ back pocket, to the roaring delight of the audience. Magnus is beaming. He feels like a part of the group. Like he belongs. He’s not too weird or too clingy or  _ just too much. _

He is just Mags. And he has friends, who like him. It’s still hard for him to grasp, at times, how there are people in the world who don’t simply tolerate him, but actually prefer his company. He has a feeling Even is one of those people. They talked all the way back here, and Even seemed like he is in need of someone to open up to. Magnus would love to be that someone.

To be honest, Magnus could use someone like that himself. He still hasn’t told anyone about his sexting with Even, and he still isn’t sure if he wants to. It feels like he should. It’s gnawing him from the inside out. A black ball of shame is spinning in his guts and getting bigger and bigger. It’s still tiny, but it is growing, and he should unwind it before it gets out of hand.

Magnus looks around. He doesn’t see Issy anywhere. Issy has been a bit down all night, and Magnus has let him be. He would like to tell himself it’s because he wants to give Issy space, but it would be a lie. He has given himself space, to become friends with Jonas and Eskild. He isn’t proud of himself, but this is a party, and Issy has always been at home at parties. On top of that, this party is at Issy’s home.

Magnus is sure Issy is fine.

When Issy finally emerges from Even’s room he is grinning in a way that leaves no space for doubt. Something happened in there. Something sexual. Magnus blushes a bit at the thought. He doesn’t want to have sex with Even, but the idea of Issy having it with him is kind of hot. They’re both so tall. There would be long limbs everywhere. Issy goes to the kitchen, and Magnus takes the opportunity. He hurries after Issy, and catches him at the fridge, grabbing a beer.

“Can I get one too?” Magnus asks. He doesn’t really need a beer, but he needs to talk to Issy, and that’s what he came up with when this drunk and on this short notice. Issy looks at him and smiles.

“Sorry, this is the last one. We can share it?”

“Yes. Please.” Magnus would love to share a drink with Issy. Maybe talk with him for a bit, too. About what? About what happened in Even’s room? He isn’t sure, he just wants to talk. He has learned there is no room for him between Jonas and Eskild, and he is drunk enough to get needy.

Issy pops the can open and takes a long sip. He hands the can over to Magnus. Magnus doesn’t drink, he just holds the cold can in his hand, long enough for Issy to lose his patience and snatch it back.

“I want my half cold”, Issy says and drinks. He guzzles down his whole share in one go and burps after he’s done. “Oops. Sorry.”

Magnus doesn’t know what to say. He wants to go somewhere with Issy, alone, but there is nowhere to go. Oskar is still in Issy’s room, and there are people everywhere in the apartment, and dark and cold and rainy outside. They could sit in the stairs for a bit, but Magnus isn’t sure how he could ask without sounding weird.

“You know what?” Magnus sighs. “Keep it. I don’t want to get too drunk.”

Issy laughs.

“Too drunk is the only drunk worth the trouble”, he says, but doesn’t refuse the beer. He empties the can with three greedy gulps, and puts it in the sink. He burps, again, loud this time.

“Nice!” Jonas exclaims from the living room. Issy laughs again.

“Thanks bro!” Issy turns to look at Magnus. His eyes are sparkling, but there’s is something underneath the glittery surface. An emptiness, like cold, dark water. “Enjoying the party?”

“Yes”, Magnus says. It’s not really a lie. Not completely. He is having a good time, and it’s totally his problem that it’s not enough for him.

“Good.” Issy licks his lips slowly. For a split second he looks hesitant. “Good.”

“Do you want to step outside for a bit?” Magnus asks. All it took was a split second, a little glimpse of Issy looking lost. He would do anything for Issy. He would definitely look like a needy idiot for him.

Issy shakes his head and smiles. His smile is flawless, again.

“No. That would be wasting a perfectly good party, and a perfectly good beer. I want to dance.”

With that, Issy leaves Magnus in the kitchen and hops to the living room. He wraps his arms around Jonas’ neck and dances with him. Magnus leans his temple on the doorframe and watches for a moment. Then Issy looks at him, reaching out his hand, and Magnus hurries to take it.


	35. Chapter 35

The rest of the night is just a series of flashes.

The circle of people dancing, arms on each other’s shoulders, scream-singing the lyrics of the party anthem.

Magnus trying to balance the punch bucket on the top of his head, with really unhelpful help of Jonas and Eskild.

One of the girls crying in the bathroom.

One of the guys crying in the kitchen.

A joint passed around from hand to hand, smoke blown from mouth to mouth.

Eskild and Jonas sharing a very open, very sloppy kiss, and then rolling on the floor with laughter, they’re laughing at Isak’s face.

Magnus disappearing somewhere, then discovered from under the kitchen table, making out with a cute blonde girl someone has brought with them as their plus one. Isak remembers thinking that the fact that she is willing to make out under the kitchen table is a promising sign, she must be a great match for Mags. There might be something there.

That’s where Isak discovers them in the morning. Fully dressed, thank God, and fast asleep. Magnus is using her boobs as a pillow, his arm tucked under her head. Isak pulls himself upright and leaves them be. All he wants is some cold water. He finds a row of bottles in the fridge. Thank you, Eskild, Isak recites in his head, grabs a wonderfully cold bottle and takes it in his room.

Jonas raises his head, groaning. Isak gives the bottle to him, and he presses the thing against his forehead.

“Oh, fuck, that’s nice”, Jonas mutters. Isak crawls back in bed with him. He’s lying on his side, facing Jonas.

“How are you feeling?” Isak whispers. Jonas groans again. He looks pale.

“Like shit. That party was fucking awesome.”

Isak nods, slowly. He must move carefully, he is feeling rather shaky himself.

“Thanks to you and Eskild.”

Jonas smirks through his pain.

“That man knows how to party. He’s a guru.”

Isak has to agree. Eskild is the best party person he knows. And Eskild and Jonas together? Dynamite. Isak is so happy they found each other, and that they kept everyone busy while he was distracted by his melancholy.

And Even. Isak blushes suddenly, and Jonas notices it.

“So. Where did you go?”

Isak bites his lip. He remembers what he did last night, in Even’s room. How he just crawled up to him, in a fit of drunken stupor, and kissed Even. How Even let that happen. He remembers Even’s mouth, and his skin, his hands, and his lovely, lovely dick. He can’t wait to taste it. It must taste wonderful. It was so nice and big, and so hard in his hand -- no. In Issy’s hand. Issy let Isak feel everything, but he didn’t have a say on things. Isak is a bit mad at him for that. Even was supposed to be his. Issy had no right to take him, yet he did. Fucking bitch.

“Is?”

Isak blinks. He gets pulled back from Even’s nearly dark room, into his own, into the bed he is sharing with Jonas. He isn’t happy about the change.

“Huh?”

“Are you still drunk or high? Both?”

Isak makes a tiny little chuckle. He regrets it immediately. Easy, now, easy, this is a slow and joyless morning.

“Maybe. It’s still early.”

“So, how was he?” Jonas is grinning. Isak knows his own face has given him away. Still, he tries.

“Who?”

“Is, everyone could see your face when you stepped out of his room. You got some. How was it?”

“I’m not sure if I’m comfortable talking about sex with guys while in bed with you”, Isak says. Jonas laughs, shortly, then grimaces and holds his head.

“Fuck. Bad move. Stop being funny, right this instant.”

Isak rolls his eyes. It’s also a bad move.

“Fine. It was great. I can’t wait to do it again.”

Jonas smirks.

“I bet, you skank.”

“I’m not a skank, I’m in love”, Isak says, and then it’s too late to take it back. Jonas heard him, and he is super interested.

“Love? Why haven’t I heard about this before?”

“Because it’s not like that. I’m not in love”, Isak mumbles. “I’m. Into him. A lot.”

“You said love”, Jonas remarks. Isak shakes his head.

“I know. It doesn’t make it more true. I’m not in love, I barely know the guy.”

“Don’t you live together?”

Isak sighs. Jonas is right. They do live together, and still Isak doesn’t really know Even. Not the way he knows Eskild, not even close.

“Remember how Even didn’t come to the party? That’s expected of him. He spends most of his time in his room, or out of the apartment. I barely ever see him.”

“You’ve seen enough to know you like him.”

“Well, you’ve seen him too. Can you blame me?”

Jonas pouts his lips for a second, then he grins.

“Point. He is a beautiful man.”

“I know”, Isak sighs. He has noticed Even’s beauty, the very first moment he saw him. “At least he seemed to like me last night. What if he’s a skank?”

“He did sleep with you though he barely knows you.”

“He didn’t sleep with me, it was just a hand job.”

“My point is still valid”, Jonas says. “He seems skanky to me.”

Isak knows Jonas is kidding. Still, he has a point. Even didn’t even say anything, he just agreed to whatever Issy wanted from him. That is a bit skanky. Isak doesn’t judge him, not at all, Issy is a skank just as well, but the thought still makes Isak’s heart sink. Even doesn’t think he’s special. He just thinks he’s hot.

“Skank shaming is not cool”, Isak says. Jonas nods.

“Fair enough. For the record, I’m not shaming. I’m just saying that I think you’re right.” Jonas pauses for a bit, looking at Isak’s face carefully. “And that is killing you.”

Isak closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath, and blows it out slowly. It’s okay. Issy can have Even. Isak can watch. Admire Even’s beauty, from up close, so close.

“No. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“It’s just a hangover.” Isak opens his eyes and grabs the water bottle. The cold liquid runs smoothly down his throat, cooling down his burning chest. “Was I just super drunk, or did you kiss Eskild last night?”

The distraction works. Jonas grimaces, and rubs his eyes.

“Oh, fuck, I did. It was a dare.”

“I don’t recall anyone playing spin the bottle.”

“We skipped the bottle, it’s just a nuisance. We went straight to dares.”

“Didn’t seem that straight to me”, Isak says. Jonas laughs, and grimaces again.

“Ow. Fuck! I told you to stop being funny.”

“Sorry, can’t help it. I’m a riot.”

“No, you’re not. It’s okay, I still like you.”

“I like you, too.”


	36. Chapter 36

Even presses his ear against his door and listens. He can’t hear anything. That means either that the people out there are too hungover to talk, or there isn’t anyone out there. Both are pretty okay options, actually. Even grabs the door handle and turns it.

There’s nobody in the living room. Only a huge mess. Bottles and cans everywhere, some spillage on the floor here and there, and for some reason the couch has been stripped of all cushions. Even notices them in a row on the floor, with blankets next to each one. Brilliant, really. A bed for three instead of one.

Even keeps going. He finds Magnus in the kitchen, sitting by the table, resting his head on his hands. He is staring at his phone, which is on the table in front of him. As Even enters the room Magnus raises his eyes at him. His smile is a bit shaky.

“Hi. You missed one hell of a party.”

Even nods. He can imagine.

“The mess looks like it was a fun one.”

“I hooked up with a girl”, Magnus blurts out, and blushes immediately after. He nods at his phone. “She even gave me her number. I really wish I remembered her name, but I have no idea.”

Even arches his brow at the boy. He didn’t expect Magnus to be one for anonymous sex, but he has been wrong about people before. Quite often, too.

“Someone got over me fast.”

Magnus grins.

“I got over you when we kissed at the beach. I’m glad about that, too. It would be terrible to be pining for you without any hope.”

“I suppose”, Even shrugs, and starts making coffee. He wants coffee. He’d better make the whole pot while he’s at it, other people might want some too.

Are there other people here?

Well, at least Eskild and Isak should be. They live here. And then there’s Jonas, and Magnus is obviously here, too. Okay, so a full pot is well in order.

“Are you jealous?” Magnus asks. Even lifts his left shoulder.

“I don’t know. Was she hot?”

Magnus giggles a bit.

“Rude! But yes, yes she was. Super hot, and really nice. We spent the night under the table, making out.”

Even looks at Magnus and the table over his shoulder.

“Under the table?”

“Yes. I don’t really remember why we ended up there, but it was somewhat private and she thought it was funny.” Magnus sighs, and rubs his face with his palms. “Fuck, I wish I could remember her name.”

“It will come to you. Ask her to send you a selfie and show it to people. Someone must know her.”

“Oh my god, you’re brilliant! Yes!” Magnus starts tapping his phone, furiously. It buzzes soon enough, and Magnus holds it up for Even to see. “Here. Do you know her?”

Even looks at the picture. She is pretty. Blonde, big eyes, she looks cute even though she’s obviously hungover.

“No idea, sorry.”

Magnus smiles.

“It’s okay.”

Even turns the coffee maker on. He turns his back to it, leaning against the counter, and looks out the window. The daylight is barely there. What little there is of it, it’s all gray. Perfect for a Sunday after a great party one didn’t attend.

“May I ask you something?” Magnus asks, quietly. Even turns his eyes to him. He doesn’t know how anyone could say no to those eyes. Magnus looks exactly like a puppy would, if puppies were human.

“Yes”, Even says, even though he knows that nothing good can come from someone asking if they can ask a question. He and Magnus are supposed to be friends, right? Friends trust each other.

“Did you do something with Issy last night?”

Even wets his lips slowly. He remembers what he did. It was certainly something. Definitely something.

“I don’t kiss and tell.”

Magnus blushes.

“I did. Is it bad?”

“I don’t think so. It’s not the same. I don’t even know her name. You know him.”

Magnus smiles. Even can see the relief in his smile.

“Right. Right. It’s not the same.”

Even nods. Exactly. There is no need for Magnus to be ashamed.

“I’m happy to hear you had a good time with someone. You deserve it.”

Magnus looks puzzled.

“Doesn’t everyone?”

Even simply doesn’t have the heart to tell Magnus the truth. That some people don’t deserve it, and that Even is definitely one of those people. Whatever it was that happened with Isak last night, Even didn’t deserve one bit of it. He just got lucky. He was available. He gave Isak what Isak wanted, and when he had delivered, Isak had left, because he was done with him.

Even doesn’t have the guts to tell Magnus he would do it again in a heartbeat.

A door opens somewhere in the apartment.

Steps. Both Even and Magnus are listening to them, in silence. It’s odd, if you stop to think about it. Even doesn’t. Apparently neither does Magnus. They just wait.

It’s Isak. Even grabs the edge of the counter, with the hand his body is blocking from Isak’s view. Suddenly he needs some extra support. His legs aren’t feeling too trustworthy.

“Do I smell coffee?” Isak asks.

“You should”, Magnus says. “Even just made some.”

“Bless him.” Isak walks just next to Even and stops there. He is standing so close. Even can smell his skin, even through all the fumes of last night’s drinking and the fresh coffee. Bless him, indeed.

Isak cocks his head. He is expecting something. Even glances at him from the corner of his eye, nervous, unable to look at him properly. He remembers, so vividly, what Isak’s lips taste like.

Absolution.

“You need to move”, Isak says. Even blinks, startled. Right. Right. He is standing right in front of the coffee maker. He steps aside, quickly, too quickly. He almost trips at his own stupid feet.

“Issy, do you know her?” Magnus comes to Even’s rescue. Bless him, too. Magnus is catching Isak’s attention with the girl’s picture, so Even can recompose himself. Isak looks at Magnus in disbelief.

“Dude, you were using her boobs as a pillow. You don’t know who she is?”

Magnus blushes, so intensely he is almost glowing.

“I asked her name, but I don’t remember it. Do you know her?”

“Sorry, no. I think she came in with Oskar?”

Magnus shakes his head.

“No, can’t be. Look at her. If Oskar came in here with her, he would have not let me be the one to make out with her.”

Isak laughs. Even is enchanted by the sound. He hasn’t heard Isak laugh like this before. This lightly. Like he has no care in the world. Maybe he doesn’t, but he has before. The contrast is glaring.

Is he laughing like this because Magnus is there? It doesn’t make sense, because Magnus is telling him about a girl he hooked up with, and that should drive Isak mad with jealousy if Isak was interested in Magnus. It wouldn’t make Isak light.

Isak holds his coffee with both hands and closes his eyes as he takes a sip.

“Mmh. Exactly what I need”, he sighs, happily. Even takes advantage of Isak’s closed eyes and looks at him, directly at him, devouring his face with his eyes. He averts them the moment Isak opens his. “You know, Even, it’s not fair that you look so well rested while we look like shit. That’s just rude.”

That’s when Even realizes it. He fell asleep. He actually slept, without any chemicals at all, and he hasn’t done that in years. Isak did that to him. He liberated Even of all his demons that keep him awake at night, and let him rest. Actually rest.

“I’m. Sorry?”

Isak grins. Even wishes he could see it directly, not just from the corner of his eye.

“You better be.”


	37. Chapter 37

Isak is hugging Jonas so hard that they both can barely breathe. He doesn’t want to let go. Two days of being himself around Jonas is not enough, not even close, Isak has years of catching up to do. Jonas knows this. He doesn’t rush Isak, he just stands there, his arms wrapped around his friend, and waits. He has to wait for a long time.

“Fuck, I wish you didn’t have to go”, Isak sighs. Jonas smiles at him.

“I’m not particularly excited about going home in this state, either. But my mother will kill me, and then you, if I don’t pay them a visit, and you know how fierce she can be.”

“Will you tell them about me?” Isak asks. Jonas grins.

“What, about how I dragged you to a gay club and kissed you? Do I have to?”

Isak chuckles and slaps Jonas lightly on the chest.

“No, you idiot! About me being gay.”

“I don’t know. Would you like me to?”

Isak takes a moment to think about it. Then he nods.

“Yes. I’d like them to know. Maybe your mother has been wondering for years why I kept blushing at you whenever you looked away.”

“I’m not going to tell my mother that my best friend has wanted me! That’s way too much information.”

“Just tell her I’m gay, okay?”

Jonas pretends to groan and roll his eyes, which are twinkling way too much to have any credibility.

“I’ll tell her. Would you like to know what she says?”

“No point. You’re going to just lie to me if she takes it badly.”

Jonas laughs.

“You know me better than I do, Is. Okay. I’ll just tell her, and that’s that, then.”

“Thank you.”

Jonas hugs Isak in his turn. Isak welcomes that hug, he leans against Jonas’ chest and just rests there, for a bit.

“I’m going to miss you”, Jonas sighs. “We should talk more.”

“I promise, we will.” It’s easy to promise now that the secret isn’t standing between them anymore. Nothing is holding Isak back from messaging Jonas, or calling him, or some Face Timing, because now there’s nothing to try and hide, desperately.

There’s nothing to fear.

Jonas lets go of Isak and steps back.

“Okay, I should go now.”

Isak sighs. Jonas is right. He should get going.

“Text me when you get back to your place. I want to know you made it safely.”

“I will.” Jonas takes his bag and lifts it on his shoulder. Isak stops at the door of his room. If he follows Jonas to the front door, they will get stuck hugging again. When Jonas is ready and dressed, he raises his hand.

“Bye, Is.”

Isak wiggles his fingers at Jonas in a tiny little wave. Then Jonas opens the door, and leaves, and Isak retreats in his room to have a little mope.

He crashes into his bed. It smells like another boy. Like Jonas. Isak buries his face in the sheets and inhales, deep. He slept in the same bed with Jonas, for two nights, and instead of painful and heavy it was -- nice. It was nice and comfortable and effortless. Isak isn’t familiar with those things.

He remembers another boy he shared his bed with this weekend. Except it wasn’t him. It was Issy. That fucking bitch. Isak squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his fists.

Even was supposed to be his. He had a deal with Issy, and Issy breached their contract. He has become bolder these days. Stronger. He keeps pushing Isak to the side, and --

That’s a lie. The thought hits all the air out of Isak’s lungs. He is lying to himself, he is making Issy look bad, blaming Issy for his own mistakes. Issy hasn’t pushed Isak anywhere, he has stepped up because Isak has stepped down first.

Like last night. The moment his lips touched Even’s mouth he got scared. He was terrified. He was so afraid of Even and the feelings kissing him made rise up inside him that he ran away and hid the first chance he got. When someone knocked on the door and asked for Issy, Isak dashed behind Issy’s back.

Issy didn’t steal Even from Isak. Isak dropped Even, and Issy caught him.

Isak covers his mouth with his palm as hot tears push out of his eyes. He is a fucking coward. He rolls up his sleeve and strokes at the bandage covering his stitches. He presses hard with his thumb. The pain forces a little sound out of him, a small whimper, a pathetic squeak. He presses harder.

“Your name is Isak Valtersen”, Isak hisses under his breath. “This is your body. This is your life.”

He has to let go before the stitches rip. He can’t go back to the ER to get them done again. He has to find some other way to connect to his body, to claim it as his, to inhabit it fully. Isak gets up on his feet and walks to his door.

Even opens his door at the same exact moment as Isak does. They both freeze, just standing there, looking at each other, one hand on the door handle. It’s just them in the house now. Eskild disappeared somewhere last night and hasn’t come back, Magnus went home and Jonas just left. It’s just him and Even. Why does it feel so crowded?

Even stares at Isak, unable to move. Isak looks so upset. His eyes are glistening and dark and vacant, it’s like looking into a deep, almost dried up well. It’s pushing Even’s chest in, making it hard to breathe and impossible to move a muscle. He wants to run away. He wants to close his door and hide, but he can’t, he is lost in the abyss inside Isak.

Then Isak smiles. The emptiness gets filled up like a vial, until it overflows, spilling molten gold at their feet.

“Hey, babe.” Isak leans his hip on the doorframe. Even’s eyes are drawn to the arc his body forms. “Are you busy?”

Even’s throat is parched and his mouth is watering at the same time. Isak is upset, he knows it, he has done that same party trick so many times himself he knows how it looks like. He also knows that because Isak just did the trick, it means he doesn’t want Even to notice how upset he is. He doesn’t want to share it with Even. He doesn’t want that kind of intimacy.

The other kind, obviously yes. Isak licks his lips slowly, the tip of his pink tongue peeks outside his mouth, and pulls Even’s full attention to itself like a magnet.

“Uh. No.” Apparently Even does know how to speak. That’s good. Speaking is good, right? “Not at all.”

Isak’s freshly wetted lips curve into a smile again.

“Me neither. What a coincidence.”

“I’m never busy”, Even blurts out. Great. Make sure that Isak knows exactly how pathetic you are, won’t you?

Isak pushes his head back and laughs. It’s that light laughter again. Weightless. Now that Even listens to it more carefully he can hear how empty it is. Hearing it doesn’t bring him any joy.

“Want to get busy?” Isak grins. It’s a dirty little grin, that shoots darts straight into Even’s loins. He wants to. He definitely, absolutely wants to get busy with Isak, right away. He wants to jump head first into that well and drown.

“My place, or yours?” Even asks. Isak laughs again. Then he pushes his door fully open.


	38. Chapter 38

Isak is even more beautiful in daylight. If you can call this gray veil hanging over the city “light”. Whatever it is, Isak is beautiful in it, and it allows Even to really look at him properly. Even follows Isak into his room and closes the door. Isak reaches past him to lock it. It brings him so, so close to Even, he can feel Isak’s body heat. He looks into Isak’s eyes and can’t see the well anymore. Just dark, soft, velvety lust. Even lets the same cloud envelope him as well. He leans forward and kisses Isak.

Isak tastes incredible. He tastes like heat, and something forbidden, and something barely controllable. The kiss gets heated up in record time, Isak’s hands get lost under Even’s shirt and his hungry mouth mumbles against Even’s.

“Slam my back against the door.”

Lust grabs Even’s insides and squeezes. Fuck. It’s not what Isak is asking for, but how he is asking for it. He sounds like pure sex. Dirty sex. He asks again, this time just under Even’s ear, pressing his hips on Even’s and rocking them a bit. Isak slips his thigh between Even’s and leans closer. Even’s head is spinning.

“Please.” Isak guides Even’s hands on his upper arms. “Hard.”

Even makes some kind of sound, maybe a low grunt, and grabs Isak. It pulls an excited little moan out of the boy, and that encourages Even to do it. He draws strength from his thighs and flips them around. He pushes Isak against the door. Isak opens his eyes and looks at him, licking his lips.

“Again. Harder.”

Isak steps forward, close to Even, with a challenge in his eyes. He steps further away from the door than Even is really comfortable with. He pushes Even backwards with his own body, one step, two steps, three.

“Now. Do it.”

Even hesitates. Isak takes his face in his hands and kisses him, hard and needy, he squirms against Even’s body and moans under his breath.

“Come on, babe. Hard.” Isak turns his mouth to the side of Even’s neck. He flicks his tongue along the thin skin. It sends electric pulses along Even’s spine, all over his body, it makes his skin tingle everywhere. “Give it to me, daddy.”

Even grabs Isak tighter. Isak whimpers a tiny little  _ yes _ right into his ear.  _ Fuck yes. _

Even pushes him. He shoves Isak into the door, hard enough to make a thud. Isak closes his eyes and smiles, only slightly mockingly.

“Please, babe. I know you can do it.”

Isak steps forward again. He opens his eyes and looks deep into Even’s. It’s so fucking sexy, those huge doe eyes, that pressed chin, that filthy almost smile. That tongue that flicks across those lips.

“Come on, daddy.”

Okay. He can do this. Isak needs a daddy? Even can be one. He has watched enough porn to know how. He has read Fifty Shades over halfway through. He takes a deep breath and pulls his shoulders back and down. Pulls his posture up. He is taller than Isak, and it must be a rare treat for him. Even has dreamed about someone taller than him every now and then, someone who could make him feel small.

Isak could do it. Even is feeling small right now. But he has to be big. He has to be a daddy, so he can have Isak. He wants to have Isak, more than anything.

Isak can see it in his eyes. His lips crack slightly, his eyes sparkle, and as Even slams his back against the door he moans softly.

“Don’t tell me what to do”, Even says, his voice low and firm. He keeps Isak against the door, he leans on his hands and looks at the beautiful boy who wants this so much Even can almost taste it too.

“Sorry, daddy”, Isak gasps. He is panting. His hips keep nudging towards Even. Even runs his hand down Isak’s side, pressing a bit harder than he normally would. Isak seems to like it.

“Want me to make you sorry?” Even asks. He means it. He needs to know what Isak wants, if he wants this. Isak nods.

Okay. Even grabs the waistband of Isak’s jeans and pulls down. He pushes with his other hand too, from Isak’s shoulder, he forces Isak down on his knees on the floor. Isak looks up at him, and Even can tell he is pleased. He slides his foot along Isak’s inner thigh, to his crotch. Isak closes his eyes with a soft sigh.

“I’m sorry, daddy”, Isak whispers. Even pulls his foot back. He needs them both to keep himself upright.

“Show me how sorry.”

“Fuck yes.” Isak hurries to unbuckle Even’s belt. He unbuttons Even’s jeans and pulls the zipper down almost too fast, he almost catches Even’s underwear in the teeth. Luckily, just almost. He can pull the pants down past Even’s hips and take Even out of his underwear. Even is only semi hard, this is so weird and difficult, but it doesn’t take more than two touches by Isak’s fingers and he grows full on hard.

Even has to push his palms on the door when Isak takes him in his mouth. Isak cocks his head to the side so Even can see everything. How his hard dick slides into Isak’s eager mouth. How Isak’s eyelashes flutter against his cheek, how his cheek gets hollowed when he sucks. Even leans on his right hand and pushes his left hand into Isak’s curls. Isak’s humming moan feels wonderful.

Isak is good at giving head. He is enthusiastic and just the right amount slutty, and he manages to convince Even that he’s super into the idea of Even poking at the back of his mouth with his dick. Even is disappointed when Isak pulls back, but the way he keeps going with his hand is a good consolation.

“Fuck me in the mouth, daddy”, Isak asks, short of breath.

A part of Even wants to refuse. It’s not him. He is not like that, he doesn’t want to be like that, least of all to Isak. But most of him wants to be whatever Isak asks of him. He wants to make Isak happy. Make Isak pleased with him. Isak opens his mouth and runs it along Even’s dick, from the root to the tip, then back down again. He is rocking his own hips back and forth in small, impatient thrusts.

“I want to choke on this. Please.”

Even grabs Isak’s hair. Isak’s face melts into a radiant smile, then his mouth closes around Even’s tip again. Even pushes his hips forward, slowly, and Isak takes him so deep into his mouth it doesn’t seem possible. As Even pulls back, Isak turns his head away to speak.

“You must go hard. I need you to go hard.”

Even nods, unable to speak. Isak needs this. He has to deliver. He wants to, because Isak is asking. Isak nods, too, and takes Even back in his mouth. This time Even pushes harder, faster, and builds up a heated rhythm. He can’t see it this time, only Isak’s hair, but he can feel it. Isak is choking on him. Isak grabs Even’s hips, guiding them, urging them to go harder.

Even doesn’t last long. He pushes his head back and moans at the ceiling, and he squirts into Isak’s mouth. Isak doesn’t let a drop escape. He swallows it all, and pulls his head back slowly. His face is wet. Even can’t be sure is it tears, snot or drool, maybe all of the above. Isak vipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Thank you. You can go now.”

“But -- what about you?” Even manages to ask. His voice is as shaky as his legs.

“I’m good”, Isak says, with a little smile. “I creamed my pants. Want to check?”

Even blushes. His head feels light, and his heart feels heavy.

“No, no, I’m good. I’m -- good.” Even pulls his hand out of Isak’s hair. “Thank you.”

Even pulls his pants up and fastens his belt. He pushes past Isak, tries to open the door without unlocking it first, and manages to actually make it out on his third try. He slams the door shut louder than he intended, and when it’s closed behind him he leans his back on it, his hand over his mouth.


	39. Chapter 39

Magnus doesn’t ever put his phone on silent mode, except during class or a doctor’s appointment or such. Even then, he checks it regularly, just in case something has happened with mom. He always checks when it buzzes, no matter what he is doing, he doesn’t even think about it. He is also clumsy, especially when he’s flustered. And that pretty much covers how he ended up in a video call with Even with his own dick still in his hand.

“H -- hello?”

Even looks flustered, too. Magnus highly doubts it’s for the same reason. And wishes, too, from the bottom of his heart. He doesn’t know what to do with his dick-holding hand, so he keeps it where it is. It’s not like Even can see it anyway, and it’s not like he isn’t getting soft already.

“Hi”, Even says, a bit slowly. He is watching Magnus a bit too carefully. “Am I interrupting something?”

“No, no, not at all! I, uh, had to run to my phone, I was in the kitchen.”

“You picked up the second I started calling.”

Magnus bites his lip. Right. Right. He did. That was his mistake here.

“Maybe the connection had issues and you didn’t hear how long it rang.”

Even smiles. Kind of.

“Maybe.”

“So..what’s up?” Magnus realizes the poor choice of his words too late. And him realizing them makes matters only worse. He blushes, intensely. Luckily his dick goes soft enough to slip out of his hand. He runs his fingers through his hair, hiding behind them for a second.

“Oh, right, I called you.” Even looks almost guilty all of a sudden. It makes Magnus feel a bit better about his own mistake. “I guess I just wanted to see a friendly face.”

Magnus nods. He suspects Even has a more substantial reason for calling him, but he is holding back. Maybe he got cold feet.

“I hope my face is sufficiently friendly.”

“It is.” Even smiles again. Kind of. “How are you doing?”

“Well, nothing much has happened since yesterday, you know. I was at classes. Issy wasn’t, is he ill? He isn’t replying to my messages.”

Even looks a bit funny. Maybe Magnus simply doesn’t know him all that well yet. He can’t read Even’s expressions.

“Not that I know of. He might be tired, it was a busy weekend for him.”

“Yes. Of course.” Magnus nods, relieved. Even is right. With Jonas visiting and the party and all, Isak is probably just resting for the day. No need to get worried. Magnus looks at Even on the screen. “How are you, then?”

“Fine, fine. A bit -- I don’t know. You know the feeling when you’re slightly off center? Like you’re not completely inside your body? You know how a magazine is sometimes printed in a way that one of the colours doesn’t match its position?”

Now Magnus recognises the look in Even’s eyes. He is looking for understanding.

“Yeah”, Magnus says, though it isn’t completely true. “I know.”

Relief takes over Even’s face. It feels warm inside Magnus’ chest. He is being a good friend.

“That’s how I’m feeling. Right now.” Even pauses. Magnus waits. He is breathing slowly, keeping his face level. Even is about to share something. Magnus is ready to receive. Even looks away, and wipes his mouth with his palm, and he still is the prettiest person Magnus has ever seen. Painfully pretty. “I probably should take my meds.”

Okay. Okay, that’s a big confession. Magnus draws a sharp breath through his nose, because it’s polite to act shocked when someone makes a big reveal. But not too shocked.

“You haven’t been taking them? What are they for?”

Even looks to the side again. He glances at the phone from the corner of his eye, as if to check if Magnus is still there. He is. He will be, for as long as he is needed.

“My mind. I’m not right in the head, you see.”

Magnus nods, solemnly. He is listening. He is hearing. He is here.

“Would you like to tell me more?”

Even shakes his head, leaning his jaw on his hand. Then he looks at the phone again.

“I’m crazy”, he whispers. “Is that bad?”

“No”, Magnus says quietly. “You’re not crazy. You’re ill. And it’s not bad. What is bad, though, is that you’re not taking your medication. I presume you’ve been prescribed it for a reason?”

Even nods. Magnus nods, too.

“Okay. And is that reason still there?”

Even nods again. He looks ashamed. Magnus wishes he was there with him, so he could give him a hug. He also wishes his dick was inside his pants right now, his attire is so highly inappropriate it’s not even funny.

“Do you have the meds you need? You haven’t run out?”

“I have them”, Even says. He sounds sheepish. And still, there is a reluctant defiance there as well.

“I’m not telling you what you should or shouldn’t do”, Magnus says, as calmly as he can without sounding condescending. “But I think it might be a good idea to take your medication.”

Even doesn’t look impressed. Magnus knows why Even brought the whole thing up. He wants Magnus to order him to take his medication, so he can get mad at him and not take them simply out of spite. Mags isn’t going to give him that way out. He can’t.

“Would taking them make you feel more in focus again? Not as off center?”

“They make me feel nothing”, Even half hisses. He is getting mad at Magnus anyway, and Magnus knows from experience there’s nothing he can do about that. He also knows, from experience, that it’s still going to hurt him.

“Sometimes I’d rather feel nothing. I feel so much at one time, very easily. I get flustered and kind of overflow and it’s really draining.”

Even huffs.

“I’m not drained.”

“I’m not saying you are. I was just telling how I feel, sometimes.”

Even looks so fragile. He looks upset, so upset that he can’t let himself get upset because then he would crack, or snap, like a dry twig. Magnus can’t take it. He should be a better friend, but he can’t watch Even break right in front of him. He is too weak.

“Just take your medicine”, he says. “Stop being reckless and take care of yourself. You’re a grown man.”

“Yes”, Even says, and Magnus can hear his engine revving up. “I’m a grown man. That means I don’t need anyone telling me what to do.”

“You’re not well”, Magnus tries. He isn’t able to put any spirit into it, but it isn’t needed. Even is too agitated to notice.

“You don’t even know me! You have no idea if I’m well or not.”

It is true. Magnus doesn’t know Even. Not yet. He can only hope he will be getting the opportunity, despite this incident. That maybe Even will see why he is doing this.

“Usually people who don’t take their medicine aren’t.”

“Fuck you! You don’t know shit.”

“Even --”

“Fuck off, Magnus.” Even hangs up. Magnus lets the phone fall flat on his chest and closes his eyes. He takes deep, slow breaths. He can do this. He can be the friend Even needs. That’s all he really wants, after all. To be needed.


	40. Chapter 40

Even throws his phone to the foot of his bed. Fucking Magnus. I’m not telling you what to do, sure. Of course you’re not. Even might be an idiot, but even he can tell when someone is trying to manipulate him this blatantly. He’s not stupid, at least. Except he is. Really stupid. At least he’s pretty. So many guys have told him he’s pretty that he’s almost ready to believe that much.

Isak seems to think he’s hot, too. That thought feels warm in the bottom of Even’s belly. It also feels like something else. Even felt something similar when he was in that man’s car on his way to the suburbs. It’s dark and heavy. It’s a breed of shame. Even has dealt with shame all his life. He knows what to do with it. He tucks it in his chest, hiding it carefully. There is still room for it. His heart has been steadily shrinking.

Even sighs and collapses on his bed. He glares at his phone for a moment, then he remembers that it can be used to contact other people than stupid Mags, too. Some interesting people.

Well. One interesting person. Even has noticed his circle of interesting people has been getting smaller lately, and there are practically three people he is interested in. Magnus, who is fucking stupid. Eskild, who would be equally stupid, because Even is approaching the point where Eskild can tell something is wrong. Then there’s Isak. Pretty, sexy Isak, with his lovely lips and his hot body, and Even is already feeling better.

And worse.

But mostly better.

Even reaches for his phone and unlocks the screen. He sends a message to Isak. It’s simple and straight to the point, just an eggplant emoji. It’s crude enough to match the mood Even is going for here. He just wants to forget how bad he is feeling, and Isak knows how to do that. He makes everything else disappear. He gives Even’s heart something real to be aching about.

Isak responds soon enough. He says he’s not home. Even didn’t notice him leaving, maybe he slipped out while he was talking to Magnus. Probably then. Apart from that moment, Even has been keenly interested in whatever sounds Isak’s presence in the apartment made.

Even sighs, and puts his phone away. It’s too late. He remembers using it, with Magnus, talking to him. How he looked. Even closes his eyes, but it doesn’t help. He can see Magnus, the way he looked when Even told him he isn’t taking his medication. Magnus didn’t look shocked. He looked scared.

What really bothers Even, though, is that while Magnus was obviously frightened, he wasn’t scared of the unknown. Magnus was cowering while facing an enemy he knows well. He has battled this beast before. Did he win? Even has no idea. He doesn’t know much about Magnus, except that he is willing to be Even’s friend, despite Even’s obvious shortcomings. He doesn’t deserve a friend like Mags, that much he knows.

Even rolls over on his stomach and reaches down under the bed. He pulls the box out. It rattles a bit. It’s terribly messy, with badly refolded instruction sheets, half or fully empty foil strips of pills and a miscellaneous collection of medicine bottles. Even lifts the box up on the bed with him. He sits up, crossing his legs, and empties the thing in his lap.

He takes a couple of pictures of the pile. He could post them somewhere, but he doesn’t. Not even anonymously. It’s too risky. Someone might recognise his ankles or something, and that would be the end of things. He already told Magnus too much, in his stupid urge to confess.

Even stirs the pile with his fingers, absentmindedly. Magnus knows something. He knows something Even didn’t tell him, because he has experience in these matters. Even didn’t expect him to have that. That was his mistake.

No.

_ This _ is his mistake.

Even puts his phone down and starts pushing the pills out of their strip. His lips move as he counts them. He gathers them all on his palm, the variety of shapes, sizes and colours, and stirs them around with his thumb. There are so fucking many of them. And these are only for the day. He has a very similar handful waiting to be his late night snack. Every fucking night. Every fucking day.

It’s exhausting.

It’s necessary.

Magnus is right. He needs them. Even closes his eyes and presses his palm against his mouth. The pills roll on his tongue and fill his mouth up. He moves them around with his tongue. Some of them stick and start to dissolve, they taste horrible, but it’s okay. He is taking his medication. Like a good boy.

Even pushes his personal pharmacy off his lap and gets up. He needs to get some water to wash the pills down. They’re sticking everywhere, and he doesn’t want to throw them up. It might be he wouldn’t be able to force himself to swallow another batch.

The apartment is quiet. It’s like a grave, a crypt, long forgotten and never visited. Even walks barefoot to the kitchen and can almost hear the echo of his steps in the silence. It’s so empty. Vacant. Lifeless. It matches the way Even’s soul is feeling. Dormant. Maybe dead.

Even hurries his steps. The walk feels longer than it is. He doesn’t bother taking a glass, he just drinks from the tap and swallows his pills with greedy gulps of water. He doesn’t remember if he’s had anything to drink today. Judging by the level of his thirst, probably not.

Even wipes his mouth on the side of his palm. That’s better. Now that he’s at it, he could maybe grab a bite, as well. He opens the fridge. Nothing. Fine. He wants out of this mausoleum anyway. He needs to see people. People he doesn’t know. Even returns to his room and searches for a pair of socks. He packs his notebook and pencil case in his bag, too, though he knows he will not take them out.

He just needs for it to be possible. The optional timeline where he will sit in a coffee shop and draw, or write, or just aimlessly scribble on the page. So much of his life has been about the possible. It has never manifested. All the opportunities, and nothing ever coming out of them.

Even zips his bag closed with an angry yank. He’s getting upset again. He wants to curl up in his bed and stay there forever, forsaken and forgotten. That just means he will have to push harder to make himself go. He needs it. He knows he will like it once he makes it out there.

If only it wasn’t so hard to make it. Even looks at the door. He looks at his bed. He looks at his bag, that’s packed and ready to go, notebook and pencil case and everything. A pathetic attempt at normalcy.

Who the fuck is he kidding?

Even kicks his bag under the bed and sweeps the meds to the floor. He curls up on his side, pulling a pillow to be cradled, and lets the emptiness consume him. This place is a tomb, and he is the corpse, slowly rotting away.


	41. Chapter 41

Isak is holding a phone in each of his hands. They look exactly the same, but they are very, very different. One of them is Isak’s, the other one belongs to Issy, and lately they have started to merge. It’s because of Even’s messages. They are so dirty. They’re like Issy’s conversations. The gayness is seeping in, and it’s Even’s fault.

Why does Even have to be so beautiful? The very sight of him, the mere thought, makes Isak’s heart flutter and his head feel lighter. His heart, it feels lighter too. It’s dangerous. A heart is a substantial thing. It should be kept on check, but Even makes Isak forget about all responsibility.

He makes Isak forget himself.

It’s the best feeling there is in the world.

It’s like a drug. The best high Isak has ever experienced. It’s not even the moment of climaxing that’s the best part. If Isak thinks about it, the peak is the worst bit, because it means that their encounter is over. His favourite part is kissing Even, before they have undressed or shoved their hands under each other’s clothes.

It’s so, so fucking gay.

Just like Isak is.

One of the phones buzzes. It makes Isak jump. He hurries to unlock the screen. He has forgotten which phone is which, so he has no idea what the message could be about before he actually checks it.

It’s for Issy. It’s from Mags. He wants to know what Issy is doing tomorrow night, because it’s his birthday and he would like to meet some friends and hang out, possibly go bowling. Isak smiles. That actually sounds like fun. He needs some fun in his life right now. He replies with a yes and a kissy face emoji, Magnus sends back a row of hearts. Bless that boy.

Isak is very happy about this turn of events. Going out with friends, somewhere innocent and harmless. It’s exactly what he needs.

Well. He  _ needs _ Even. But he also needs a break from him. They have hooked up at least once almost every day ever since they started, and here Isak is again, seriously considering knocking on Even’s door. There is a fire inside him that won’t stop burning. Isak isn’t sure if Even is fuelling the fire or putting it out. Perhaps both. Maybe they are fighting fire with fire.

The thing about fire, though, is that it fucking burns.

Isak takes Issy’s phone and pulls out the picture of Even he sent Mags. Even looks delicious in it. He always does, but there is something irresistible about him in that particular moment, captured in pixels. He zooms in, as close as he can, but still he can’t tell what he is seeing in Even’s eyes. Whatever it is, it’s pulling him in.

Even checks the message he just got. It’s from Magnus. He has a birthday! Well, of course he does, everyone has one, but Magnus has his tomorrow, and invites him to a gathering of friends. Even licks his lips quickly. He does like bowling. He does like Magnus. He does like other people’s birthdays.

It’s just that they haven’t actually talked about Even’s behaviour from last week. They haven’t talked at all, before this sudden olive branch Magnus is handing over. It means Magnus doesn’t hate him after all. Then again, Even has done plenty of hating for him lately.

He wants to tell Magnus he is eating his pills again. He doesn’t. It’s not something you just bring up among friends. It also feels too much like a defeat. Like surrendering. Not to Magnus, but to his illness. He has given up, hasn’t he? He has succumbed to his insanity. He is fighting back, yes, but he also knows that the fight will never end. He will not come out of it victorious. He will either lose, or just keep fighting for the rest of his life.

Magnus really seems like someone who would be willing to ride to battle with him.

Even accepts the invitation and thanks Magnus for it. Magnus seems happy about him agreeing to come, judged by the amount of excited puppy gifs Even’s phone gets flooded by. Even watches each and every one of them, and when he puts his phone away he is smiling. Maybe things will be okay again. Like they have been before.

There is a knock on his door.

Even comes to open the door, and Isak’s head stops working. All he can think about is kissing Even, and he can’t tell which of them it is, him or Issy, who wraps his arms around Even and presses his lips on Even’s mouth.

He cares less and less about which one it is, too. That’s wrong. He should care. He knows it will keep him up at night again, trying to remember, to understand if it was him and what it would mean. But that’s hours away in the future. This is now. The precious, marvellous now, when Even is kissing him back and pulling him gently but firmly into his room.

Even is ready to meet Isak in the middle. He closes his door behind Isak’s back, and pushes Isak against it. He doesn’t hurt the boy, he can’t bring himself to do it, but he does his best to be assertive. Isak rewards him with a soft whimper. It makes Even shiver in passion he can’t control.

Even kisses Isak again and again. He loves this part. Kissing Isak, feeling his body against his, the heat their bodies are generating together. The expectation. It’s delicious, just like Isak’s lips. Delicious. This kiss makes everything else worth it. All the heartache, the muddy shame like feelings he has after Isak has left the room, how ridiculously  _ not enough _ anything they do together can be. Worth it. Just because of this kiss.

Isak surrenders. He surrenders to the kiss, and to Even, completely. He is powerless. He is so turned on, too, the way Even is pressing him on the door is really, really doing things to him. Wonderful things. Isak lets his arms relax and drop, and simply remains there, taken by Even. Devoured by him.

He wants to keep kissing Even forever. He wants to tell him that, but he can’t. He can’t have anyone like that, it’s. He can’t. He can have this. He will settle. He will settle forever, if that’s how it’s going to be. Even takes his face in his hands and tilts his head, Isak parts his lips a bit more, and their tongues brush against each other in a slow embrace.

The apartment door is opened and closed. They both freeze immediately, tongues half way in each other’s mouths. Neither of them is breathing. They’re listening to Eskild’s steps, as they approach the door they are leaning against. Even pulls back from the kiss, without making a sound. He can hear Isak’s heart racing, or maybe it’s his own. He can’t tell for sure. His chest has caved in.

“Even?” Eskild knocks on the door, right between Isak’s shoulder blades. “I know you’re in there. Don’t make me break in, you know I will.”

Even looks at Isak. Isak looks at him.

“Leave me alone”, Even says. His voice sounds almost normal.

“I have, and that has been a grave mistake on my part. Open this door. Now.”

Eskild knocks again, louder. Even can feel it resonate through Isak’s body, like an echo. Like a racing heart.


	42. Chapter 42

It’s the way Isak looks at him. How terrified he is. This is the worst thing that can happen to him, Even can tell, and that makes the decision easy.

“Under the bed”, Even whispers, right next to Isak’s ear. Isak nods. Even steps back so Isak can sneak to the bed and crawl under it. He is tall, but he can manage. Even remembers his box, but it’s too late. Maybe Isak won’t notice anything. Maybe he will think they’re just party drugs.

Eskild knocks again. Even makes an exaggerated groan.

“Do you want me to put on pants or not?”

“Ew. Please.”

Even goes to the closet, opens and closes it, and waits for a moment. He takes the time to catch his breath. Eskild can’t find out about Isak. Though he knows Even wasn’t wearing pants, so maybe being short of breath would be appropriate after all. Whatever. Even unlocks the door, and Eskild opens it immediately. He pushes inside Even’s room.

“Invasive, much?”

“Interventions are invasive by nature.”

“So are you”, Even reminds Eskild. Eskild isn’t laughing. Then it clicks. “Interventions?”

Eskild looks solemn. That’s not a look that works for him. It’s scary. Even glances at his bed, under which Isak is right now, hearing everything.

“Let’s see”, Eskild says, and takes out his phone. “Not sleeping. Not eating. Excessive partying, or no partying at all. Seclusive. Irritable. For at least a week.”

Even frowns. What the fuck, Eskild?

“What are you doing?”

“This”, Eskild says, wiggling his phone at Even, “is the list you gave me. Things to watch out for. Considering you. There’s more, and they check out as well, should I continue?”

Even bites on his tongue. He remembers the list. He was a coward when he made it, just desperate for attention and someone who would look after him. He never expected Eskild to actually keep score.

“Look, I’m really busy right now, can’t we do this some other time?”

“Interventions are also inconvenient by nature.”

“So are you!”

Still no laughing. Tough crowd tonight.

“Even. You’re not well. Something has to be done about it.”

“I’m fine.” Even knows he’s not. He knows Eskild is right, but he doesn’t want to talk about this right now. He can’t tell Eskild why not.

“You’re not. You’re not fine. You haven’t been fine for a while now, and I’m way, way overdue with this. I’ve been hoping it would pass, I guess. I need to be sure, I’ve been thinking. It’s so  _ invasive. _ It’s so  _ inconvenient. _ But I’m sure.”

Eskild pauses. He’s gathering his courage, and Even is just watching him, like a train wreck, unable to look away, unable to do anything to stop this.

“You need help.”

There it is. Eskild’s voice leaves no room for doubt. Even needs help, because he is sick. Because he is crazy. Now Isak knows it, and he won’t knock on Even’s door again, and why is Even in part  _ relieved _ by that thought? Because he is crazy. That’s why he does sand thinks crazy shit all the time.

“I’m fine. It will pass.”

“No. It’s not going to pass. I know you don’t want to talk about these things, I don’t either, but we have to. We have to save you.”

Even scoffs. Save him. That’s rich.

“You have no such duty. I don’t need to be saved, by anyone.”

Eskild looks like he is feeling physical pain. Even can’t relate. He doesn’t feel anything at all.

“I’m also supposed to tell you that you need to take your medication.”

“I am taking my fucking medication!” Even hears his voice get louder. He wants to just scream, but he can’t, because that would be crazy. “I missed like three days and that’s not -- it’s nothing! Nothing! Sometimes they just  _ don’t help _ and nobody knows why, and I’m fucking sick of people asking me if I’m taking them or not. I am! I am taking them.”

Even slaps his hand over his mouth hard enough to make a sound. It stings, too, and it makes his eyes water. Fuck. Fuck!

“I can go crazy despite taking my meds. I can do everything right and it will still happen, because I am sick like that. I will always, always be sick like that. I can be the best fucking boy in the world and it still might not be enough, and I fucking hate it! I hate this! I hate --”

Eskild interrupts Even by wrapping his arms around him and hugging him, tightly. Even squeezes his eyes shut. He’s just about to crumble. He can feel how thin his shell is getting. It will cave in any second.

“Stop”, Even whispers, powerlessly. Eskild lets him go immediately. Consent to being touched is important in this house. Even wipes his eyes and sniffles, annoyed. “Fuck.”

“I’m sorry”, Eskild says, quietly. He still sounds and looks worried sick. Tough. Must suck to be him. “I didn’t know.”

Even shrugs. Of course Eskild didn’t know. Nobody knows. Nobody knows what it’s like to be Even, and usually he likes it that way. It feels appropriately tragic. The misunderstood protagonist of his own story, and all that shit. Except he isn’t misunderstood at all. Eskild can see right through him.

Isak can see it in Even’s eyes. He doesn’t want Eskild to know. He doesn’t want to get caught with Isak, and that’s okay. Isak understands.

“Under the bed”, Even whispers, and Isak doesn’t hesitate. He moves as quietly as he can and crawls under there. Out of sight. Hidden. It’s dark and tight and Isak is so happy he doesn’t mind enclosed spaces. He does mind being a dirty little secret, but he shouldn’t. He has known from the beginning that he would not become anything more.

He can see Even’s feet from here. And Eskild’s, when they enter. He can see them stand close to each other. He can imagine the remains of heat still smouldering in Even’s eyes, and Eskild looking into them, with a question in his eyes. Even nods. Eskild touches his face, his beautiful face, and reaches up to kiss Even. Eskild seems like an excellent kisser. Isak knows Even is one.

Eskild pushes Even on the bed. Isak feels the mattress give in under their weight and touch his back. He can hear the sounds of passion directly above him, the kisses and the touches, the clothes rustling, the bed creaking. A pair of jeans lands on the floor right next to Isak’s face, and to his horror he is getting hard.

Would they let him join them? Could he be in the middle? No, no, he couldn’t, that’s Even’s place. To be worshipped and cherished by them both. Eskild would be so much better at it than Isak. He would make Even writhe and moan and beg, just like Even makes Isak do.

The sound of the door opening and closing again makes Isak blink. Are they done already? No. No. Isak is still under the bed. He isn’t on top of it with Even and Eskild, entwined in passion, he is hiding. Even is standing right where he was when Isak got lost in his head. His feet look sadder. If that’s a thing. Isak decides it is.

Even’s feet move closer to the door. They look like Even is pressing his ear against it, to listen. It’s not necessary, Isak can hear Eskild half slam his door shut from here. The coast is clear. He can go now. Isak crawls out and slips past Even. He hurries to his own door, opens it as quietly as possible and sneaks inside. That was close.


	43. Chapter 43

Even is glaring at his phone. He wishes Eskild could feel his eyes, the stabs and arrows he is sending through them, but for that Eskild should probably see him. Even doesn’t want to see Eskild right now. He doesn’t want to see anyone.

Well, maybe Isak. But still not. Isak knows now, and he just left. He didn’t say a word, he simply walked out, and Even can absolutely catch that drift. Isak walked out. Away from him. It’s over now. Maybe that’s for the best. At least from Isak’s point of view. He now knows that Even is volatile.

Even should stop playing with matches.

He knows he should respond to Eskild’s messages. When someone tells you they’re sorry, you’re supposed to forgive them. To tell them it’s okay, even when it’s not. Apologizing profusely is a dick move, if Even thinks about it. It makes it all about them, the one asking for forgiveness, while they were the one doing the wrong thing in the first place.

Even isn’t sure what it is, exactly, that Eskild has done. He didn’t know Isak was in Even’s room. He had no way of knowing. Even has told Eskild to keep an eye on the things he has been keeping an eye on, and as Eskild said, interventions are inconvenient and intrusive. Even really wants to be mad at Eskild, but he can’t. He still can’t forgive him, either.

Just like he can’t forgive himself.

He hates his life. He hates his illness. He hates it how he can do everything he’s supposed to do, he can use a timer to remind him to take his medication at the same time every day, and he can schedule his life from meal times to every fucking bathroom visit, he can exercise and eat healthily and read and make art, and  _ still _ he could suddenly just notice he is feeling horrible all the time.

Like he is feeling now. Horrible. He can’t breathe effortlessly. His skin feels two sizes too tight. All he can think about is that everything is wrong. Everything is ruined. Nothing will ever feel good again, now that Isak won’t kiss him anymore. He knows it’s just a feeling, and that it’s distorted, but that doesn’t help at all.

Like every time before, he fell for the illusion. He was doing fine. He was getting better, doing better, for long enough to start making himself believe that this time he would make it. He would arrive. He would reach normalcy. Of course, he didn’t. He can’t. He will never be normal, never ever ever, and he should not let himself forget that.

Even opens his medication management app and browses through the endless list. So many drugs. So many chemicals he keeps pushing into his body. All the possible side effects, that can keep piling up until something gives in and his body fails him, and for what? Why is he taking all this medication if it doesn’t even work?

Because it works. He would be so, so much worse off without them. Right? Right?

He doesn’t know. There’s no way of knowing. Just like he still doesn’t know if he actually likes Isak ,or is his illness just telling him things, like it did with Mikael. God, he was obsessed about that boy. He couldn’t get enough of him or his presence, and then he went ahead and fucked everything up by asking for too much. Asking for a kiss.

No. No, Even, that’s not how it went at all, and you know it. Even turns on his side and curls up. Shame pushes over him like a blanket of snow. He is freezing under it. His blood is turning into black slush, thicker with every thought he can’t stop thinking.

He did not ask for a kiss. He took one. He raised his hand on Mikael’s cheek and kissed him. His heart wasn’t even racing. He was filled with certainty and peace. He was Romeo, kissing his Juliet, and he had nothing to be nervous about, until Mikael squirmed free.

What are you doing? Mikael squeaked, and with that whispered question he crushed Even’s dreams. His world. It was such a blow that Even sort of stopped working because of it. He doesn’t remember much about the rest of the night. He doesn’t remember if he and Mikael talked about it. He has no idea did he try to kiss Mikael again. That sounds like something he might do.

He must not, absolutely not, approach Isak again. He might do something stupid. He can’t trust he wouldn’t. Isak has made his choice, and he has made it clear, and Even will have to learn to live with it. Like he has learned to live with this shame. With how much he misses Mikael, and the guys. With how lonely he is. He has nobody. He is fighting with Eskild, and he is embarrassed around Magnus, and Isak doesn’t want anything to do with him. He is alone.

“Just you and me”, Even whispers, to the list on his phone. It’s just them. He and enough medication to fill up a pharmacy. “Forever.”

Isak is staring at himself on his phone’s screen. He doesn’t have a mirror in his room, because he can’t look himself in the eye. The selfie camera is the best he can do. He can’t look directly at his eyes, just a bit to the side.

He looks so tired. He looks scared. He is both. He blacked out so badly, under Even’s bed. He has no idea how long he was out, but he suspects it was long. It’s just a feeling he has. That’s all he can go by, because he can’t really remember anything real.

It all gets scrambled up in his head. Even and Eskild kissing, and talking, and him hiding under the bed and lying on it with them. He remembers Even yelling at Eskild, something about illnesses and medication, but he also remembers the beginning of their threesome equally vividly. He has no idea if either of those memories are of something that actually happened.

He can’t let either memory have an effect on how he interacts with either Even or Eskild. He could try and find out with some strategic questions dropped in here and there, but does it really matter? Does he really want to know?

Isak has something more pressing on his chest. He remembers everything that happened before he crawled under the bed. He remembers the way Even looked at him before asking him to hide. Even looked frightened. He didn’t want Eskild to know about them. Isak isn’t sure if he wants to, either, but knowing for a fact that Even doesn’t want that? It fucking hurts.

It shouldn’t hurt. He should know. He doesn’t want it. He doesn’t want anyone to ever find out about him, Isak, and Even. Issy and his stupid flings are fine, they don’t mean anything, but he is really, really falling for Even. Hopelessly. Pointlessly.

Helplessly.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: self harm

Isak didn’t come last night. Even didn’t expect him to. He knew. He didn’t go knocking on Isak’s door, either. He didn’t send a message. It’s over, and he will have to accept that. To respect Isak’s decision. It’s Isak’s body, and Even has no claim over it. No matter how much he wants it.

Desperately.

Even hasn’t seen Isak all day, either. He has kept in his room, and listened to sounds of the apartment carefully before visiting the bathroom as quickly as humanly possible. He has no idea if Isak is even home or not, but he’s being on the safe side just in case. He can’t stand the thought of seeing Isak.

Has Isak told someone? Nobody has contacted Even over this, but that doesn’t mean nobody knows. Maybe they are just being polite at Even’s face, and gossiping behind his back. Judging. For good reason.

Even’s phone buzzes. It’s Magnus. He wants to make sure Even is actually coming tonight. He is also telling Even he totally understands if Even doesn’t want to come, and that he won’t be mad, and that he would like to talk with Even about last time if Even would be okay with it.

It is his birthday. Even is an asshole, but is he that much of one?

He tells Magnus he will be there, promise. The response is overwhelming. It’s the emoji equivalent of a puppy jumping around Even’s legs, barking and wagging his tail. It makes Even smile, for the briefest moment.

He will have to do this. He will have to face Magnus, and Isak, and he will have to have fun and keep himself together for a couple of rounds of bowling and then a couple of rounds of drinks. Magnus promised there will be cake. Even loves cake.

Even has taken two extra pills already. He can’t take any more, but the ones he took didn’t help. He is still feeling fidgety and anxious and horrible in general. He tries to focus on his breathing, but that is just making him aware of how shallow and fast it is. He tries to imagine facing Isak at the bowling alley, or walking there with him, but the thought feels so heavy it’s compressing Even’s chest in a way that feels physical. A panic attack. Thinking about seeing Isak is pushing him into a panic attack.

He can’t do this.

He must do this.

He knows how he can focus. He pulls his knee under his chin and brushes at the side of his ankle with his fingertips. He has promised he wouldn’t do it again, he has promised it to himself over and over again.

But it works.

It works.

Even closes his eyes tightly. He imagines Magnus. Sweet, innocent Magnus, who has done nothing but like him. He is doing what Even can’t do. What anyone else can’t. He likes Even. That is not a small feat, and it should not go unrewarded.

There is a peace inside Even when the decision has been made. A tranquillity, a calmness in his motions as he walks to his door and opens it, quietly. He walks to the kitchen, his attention focused on the second drawer from the top, so intensely that he doesn’t notice it until he sees the hand emerging from the drawer he is going for. The hand is holding the exact thing he is after himself.

Even runs his eyes up along the arm. He knows who it belongs to, from the fingers already, but he has to be sure. He has to see. Arm. Upper arm. Shoulder. Neck. Face. Eyes. He stops there, looking into a pair of green eyes that looks scared, and caught, and guilty, and Even’s heart is filled with something he can only call tenderness.

He walks to Isak. He slips his hand in the drawer as well. He picks a smaller knife than the one Isak is holding. The big blades are a bit scary, he prefers a smaller one. Isak looks at him, still guilty, but now also confused. And intrigued.

“Magnus has a party tonight”, Even says, quietly. Isak nods. He is blinking rapidly, his eyes are wet and shiny.

“You going?” Isak whispers. Even nods. He is feeling much calmer than he probably should. The knife’s handle in his hand feels so soothing.

“I must.”

“Me too.”

Even should not feel this comfortable. He is about to do something he’s not supposed to do. He has been caught in the act, willingly, and he has caught Isak in the same act. He knows he should drop the knife. He also knows Isak hasn’t dropped his.

“It works”, Even confesses. Isak nods. Barely.

“Yes.”

“The party starts in an hour.”

“Yes.”

Isak understands. They are on a schedule. They need something that will work, for sure, and will work fast. Even would love to talk about this in depth. He would love to hear Isak’s explanation, what is haunting him to do this, but he also knows Isak will not want to share it.

There is still a flicker of foolish hope. Isak needs this as much as he does, and that has to mean Isak isn’t well, either. It’s probably horrible of him to be this happy about Isak being in pain, like he is. It means Isak knows.

“I’m not going to stop you”, Even says quietly. “I’m not going to talk you out of this. Just. Be careful?”

Isak almost laughs. He is too sad to actually do it.

“Last time I needed stitches. I’m a fucking idiot.”

Even licks his lips slowly. Does Isak want him to talk him out of it? Should he? Can he?

“That’s a big knife. Isn’t it hard to control?”

“It’s the sharpest one.”

“I know.”

The side of the blade catches a glimmer of light. It’s flashing. Isak’s hand is shaking. Even grabs the knife he is holding, from the blade, careful to not cut himself. He pulls it out of Isak’s hand and raises up the smaller knife in his other hand.

“This one is almost as sharp. It will get the job done.”

Isak nods, and takes the small knife from Even. He looks grateful.

“Thank you.”

“Just be careful. No stitches. And wash it when you’re done.”

Isak looks at Even for a long time. His hand isn’t shaking anymore. He is breathing easier.

“You see me, don’t you?” Isak whispers, so quietly Even can barely hear it. He nods.

“I do.” Even has seen Isak from the moment he first laid his eyes on the boy. Everything else seems dull and colourless and out of focus, while Isak is sharp and vibrant, high definition. Or at least that’s what Even’s deranged mind is telling him right now. He remembers seeing Mikael just like that, too, and he was so terribly wrong back then. Gravely mistaken.

This is not healthy. He is standing in the kitchen with Isak, with no intention to stop Isak from harming himself. If that’s what Isak needs to do, then so be it. Even knows it’s complicated. He knows it’s every bit as scary as it seems, and at the same time not. He also knows how strong the urge can be.

“Should I be worried about you?” Even asks. Isak shakes his head.

“I’m fine.” He chuckles, barely. “Says the boy holding a knife. But really, I’m fine. I just need to pull myself together.”

“I’d better let you to it, then.” Even looks at Isak carefully, searching for the slightest hint that might tell him that Isak wants to be stopped. He can’t see anything. He can’t talk Isak out of it, because then Isak would have to return the favour, and Even doesn’t want to be stopped. He wants to breathe freely and give Magnus the best birthday he can. He has to go through with this. He takes the wine bottle opener and slips it in his pocket. It has a folding blade for peeling the metal from around the cork. Perfect for cutting on the go.

“See you at the party?”

“Yeah.”


	45. Chapter 45

Isak slips the carefully cleaned knife back in the drawer. He scrubbed the bathroom sink sparkly clean, as well. There is no evidence left about what he just did, except a couple of band aids on his upper arm. The sleeve of his t-shirt covers them, if he gets hot and needs to take his hoodie off. Nobody will know.

Even knows.

Isak isn’t sure what to do with that information. Even knows what he has done. He knows it wasn’t the first time. And Even has done the same, before and probably today, maybe at the exact same time Isak cut his own flesh Even cut his. They were one blade, one body, for a few seconds.

That is a comforting thought. It shouldn’t be. Isak keeps thinking thoughts that he shouldn’t be thinking, and especially about Even. Who didn’t stop him from cutting. Isak wouldn’t have done it if Even had told him not to, but he is pretty sure it would have made him feel exponentially worse. Like a failure, for wanting to do it, for being so weak he needed to hurt himself just in order to keep existing.

Instead, Even seemed to actually care about him. He saw Isak, he saw his pain, and he knew that Isak had to do what he had to do. Isak has rarely felt as seen by anyone. It has happened with Jonas, in some drunken nights, near dawn, in whispered conversations while everyone else was already asleep. Even gave him the same feeling today, with an act of kindness that’s hardest of them all to perform. He let Isak be.

Isak did his best to return the favour. He didn’t ask Even to not do it. He didn’t tell Even it’s wrong. He didn’t beg Even to put the blade away and come in his room instead, to throw himself at him and forget about everything else in the world for a while.

It’s time to go. Isak looks at Even’s door as he passes it on his way to his room. The door is closed, but it isn’t locked. Even must have gone already. That’s fine. Isak didn’t expect to walk there hand in hand with Even. They agreed to see at the party.

Fuck, Isak really isn’t feeling like a party right now. He could tell Magnus that he’s not feeling well. He has skipped most of his classes this week, too, so it would be plausible. But it’s Magnus’ birthday. Magnus is the type of person who thinks birthdays are a big deal. He also thinks Issy is a great guy, and he would be disappointed if Issy didn’t show up.

It’s just that Isak is getting a bit scared of Issy. He makes sure to put on his least slutty jeans, and a loose t-shirt, and an oversized hoodie. Issy would not wear this outfit, it hides his body too well. Maybe it will help Isak keep him at bay. At least they’re just going bowling. Bowling is not sexy.

Isak pops the earbuds in his ears and turns his music on. It’s his own playlist, not Issy’s party shit. Nothing upbeat, nothing loud, just some quiet melancholy. Mostly acoustic songs, old tunes. Something that fits the darkness and the rain of the final breaths of October in Oslo.

 _Half of the time we’re gone_ __  
_But we don’t know where_ _  
_ _And we don’t know where_

Magnus should not be drinking this much coke. It will keep him up all night. But he keeps going for a refill, because he keeps emptying his cup, because he has nothing else to do. He came early, like he always does, and he has been waiting, nervously, for an hour. What if nobody shows up? He has asked everyone at least twice, just to make sure he won’t look like a fool in his favourite bowling alley. He should just trust his friends.

It’s difficult for him. It gets to him, sometimes, how he is never invited to anything unless he actively offers himself. How it’s usually him who initiates any hanging out. Whenever he is with his friends, he feels accepted and like he belongs, but he gets really insecure at times. Quite often. He knows he is prone to try too much.

He wonders if he is going to get any presents. Probably not. They are grown ups now. Magnus did get a gift card from his parents, and his grandmother called him first thing in the morning, so his birthday will not be a complete disaster even if nobody shows up. It will be only a mediocre disaster.

Every time the door opens Magnus looks up. When he sees Even walk in he lights up, as well. He can almost feel it himself, how he shines, as he waves his hand at his friend. Even waves back, and makes his way to Magnus and the table he is sitting at. Magnus can’t keep sitting down, he stands up, and spreads his arms. He needs a hug, please. Even seems happy to give him one. It’s a nice hug, long and tight and warm.

“Happy birthday”, Even says. “I’m sorry I’m too broke right now to get you a real present, but I did get you this.”

Magnus is barely containing himself. He wants to jump up and down like a kid. Even got him something. He waits, impatiently, and when Even pulls an envelope from his backpack Magnus almost snatches it from him in his excitement.

It’s a card. It has a really silly looking dog on it, it’s a sausage dog with heart shaped sunglasses, and Magnus loves it. He opens the card and reads it. _Happy birthday. - E_

“Thank you”, Magnus says, from the bottom of his heart. “I love dogs.”

“I know”, Even says. His smile looks a bit more relaxed now. He nods at Magnus’ cup. “What are you drinking?”

“I just got a refill”, Magnus says. “It’s coke.”

“Okay. I’ll buy you the next one, birthday boy.”

As his initial excitement is wearing out it hits Magnus. Even is so, so different from when they last talked. They had a real fight, but it’s like it never happened. Even is like a different person, too. There is something eerily familiar about him.

“Mags? What’s wrong?” Even asks. Magnus looks at him, and he doesn’t know how to bring it up. Even arches his brow. “You look weird.”

“I really need to pee”, Magnus says. “This is my third refill, but I didn’t want to miss people coming. Could you receive the guests while I’m gone?”

Even nods. His smile is almost flawless. He looks like he’s in a good mood, having fun, like everything’s fine. But everything isn’t fine. Magnus wants to ask, but he can’t. If he wants to have a nice birthday party with his friends, he must buy Even’s act.

Magnus excuses himself and hurries to the bathrooms before his stupid face reveals what he’s thinking. He just wants a nice party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics are from The Only Living Boy In New York, by Simon & Garfunkel


	46. Chapter 46

Oskar and his friend, whose name Even has forgotten, high five each other after Oskar’s full strike. Even is sitting with Magnus, waiting for their turn on the lane. Magnus keeps looking over his shoulder at the door. Isak hasn’t come yet.

“Are you sure he said he’d meet you here?” Magnus asks, once again. Even nods.

“Yes. See you at the party, were his exact words.”

“He’s late”, Magnus sighs. He looks worried. Even gives him an encouraging pat on the knee and stands up.

“I’ll go get you a beer. He will be here, I promise.” Even knows he can’t make a promise like that. He would like to, but he can’t. He has walked a couple of steps when he hears Magnus say something about calling Isak, and Even nods. Then he slows down. Magnus said something important. What did he say?

Even hears a phone buzz close by. He stops moving. He is listening, with his whole being, to Magnus’ backpack buzzing on the floor.

_ Can I use your phone? _

That’s what Magnus said. Even’s phone was on the table, screen unlocked, because he had just set it down to go get the beer. After checking if Isak had sent any messages to him, though why would he have? Even turns around, slowly, trying desperately to come up with an explanation.

Magnus looks at his backpack. He pulls the phone off his ear and looks at the screen. He presses the red button, and the buzzing stops. He calls again, he calls the number saved with Isak’s name, and his backpack starts buzzing. He looks up at Even.

Even has nothing. There is nothing that can explain this.

Well, one thing.

He is crazy.

Magnus puts the phone down. He turns the screen off and looks at the black surface, with a confused face. Even glances at the others. They haven’t noticed anything, they’re focused on their competition. Lucky bastards.

“I need a cigarette”, Magnus mumbles and gets up. He pushes past Even and goes to change his shoes. Even follows him. He has to. He has to explain himself, though he still has nothing.

“Do you even smoke?” Even asks. Magnus blushes.

“When I’m super stressed.”

Even follows Magnus outside. Magnus offers him a cigarette, and he takes it. They light up and smoke for a while in silence. Magnus isn’t looking at Even. He looks so upset.

“I’m a fucking idiot”, Magnus sighs, blowing out smoke. He closes his eyes and pushes his head back. He’s holding back tears. “Idiot.”

It really hurts to see Magnus like this. On his birthday. Even ruined his birthday. He’s the sweetest guy alive and it’s his birthday, and Even ruined everything.

“You’re really not”, Even tries. Magnus shakes his head.

“You like him.” Magnus opens his eyes and looks directly at Even. “Don’t you?”

Fuck. Fucking fucking fuck.

“Please don't lie to me.”

Even bites his lip. He wants to lie. He really, really wants to lie his way out of this situation. He just can’t come up with any lie to explain what just happened with his phone.

“I’m sorry.”

“God, I hate you so much right now”, Magnus whispers, shaking his head. He turns his eyes away from Even and pulls a smoke. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I couldn’t. You’re Isak’s friend, and I thought he likes you, and. It was so complicated. I’m sorry.”

Magnus shakes his head again. He looks at Even from the corner of his eye, narrowing his eyes.

“When you made me send all those nasty messages you saw his name. Did you imagine you were doing it with him?”

There is something about that word. Nasty. It makes something grab Even’s insides and squeeze. And twist.

“For what it’s worth, I didn’t finish. I understood how shitty I was being.” It’s not worth much. Even knows it. Magnus seems to agree with him.

“Great. I knew I was terrible at it.”

“No, no, you were great, really. It was just. Wrong. I’m sorry.”

“What brand of mad are you?” Magnus asks. Maybe. Even isn’t sure if he heard right.

“What?”

Magnus looks at him again. He looks calmer, but Even hasn’t ever seen his eyes this dark.

“The pills. What are you taking them for?”

Heh. Even has been asking the same question lately. Fuck, he wishes he didn’t fuck up this royally, so he could maybe talk with Magnus about it like a friend would. But he did fuck up. Like he always does.

He doesn’t want to say it. But it’s Magnus’ birthday, and Even has ruined it. He owes Magnus. Big time.

“Bipolar.”

The darkness dissolves to make way for -- worry? Sympathy? Magnus is still feeling bad, but now he’s feeling bad for Even, and that’s just weird. Backwards.

“Please tell me you’re taking them.”

Even drops his cigarette and crushes it under his heel.

“I am.”

He can feel himself close. Like a clam. He is curling up like an armadillo, inside his shell, shutting the world outside. Shutting Magnus outside.

Magnus hugs him. Even just stands there, trying to understand what the fuck is happening. This is too fast for him, and he loves fast.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave now”, Magnus says quietly. “I can’t look at you without thinking about -- I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

Magnus lets go, slowly, and steps back. He looks at Even with his chin pressed down, almost shy.

“But I still want to be your friend. I’m sorry I can’t be one today.”

Even shrugs. He understands. Though he doesn’t, he really doesn’t understand, but he gets it. Magnus is pissed at him, for good reason, and Even should just fuck off and let Magnus enjoy his birthday.

“Do you have anyone to look after you?” Magnus asks. Even almost laughs at his face. He catches himself on time. He remembers to lie.

“Yes. Don’t worry about me. Go and enjoy your birthday.”

Magnus cocks his head. Even leans in and kisses him on the cheek.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Will we be?” Magnus asks. Even doesn’t know how he does it, but he pulls up a tiny little smile.

“We will.”

“You should tell him you like him”, Magnus says. Even’s heart stops working properly. It’s suddenly all over the place. He was just leaving, but he can’t walk with a heartbeat like this one.

“I can’t.”

“Of course you can. Just tell him. Like I told you.”

Even would love to remind Magnus that it didn’t really work out for him, but he is not a complete idiot. Or, well, he is, but this time he gets lucky.

“It’s not that simple.”

He can’t tell Isak he likes him, not ever. It will make everything weird and complicated. The sex they kept having. Whatever it was that happened today. Even pushes his hand in his pocket and closes his fingers around the tool hidden in there. He hasn’t used it yet. He got distracted by birthday card shopping.

“You’re wrong. It’s exactly that simple.”

“Maybe”, Even sighs. He should get going. He doesn’t want to piss off Magnus any further. “I really am sorry about this. All of this.”

“Me too.” Magnus touches Even’s elbow. “Take care of yourself. It’s important.”

It’s not. Even isn’t important at all, and he knows it. But maybe, just maybe, if he disappeared now someone would actually notice. Even clings to that thought. It’s everything he can hold on to.

“I should go”, Even says. Magnus looks like he’s just about to cry.

“Fuck, I really want to ask you to come back inside. I really do.”

“But you won’t. It’s okay, Magnus. You can be mad at me, I was a real asshole to you.”

“Yes. You were.” Magnus sniffles a bit. Then he sighs. “Okay. I’m going to get back in there before they come looking for us. What should I tell them?”

“Just tell them I had to go. There’s no need to go into details.” Even takes out his wallet and hands all his cash over to Magnus. “The next round is on me.”

Magnus doesn’t want to take the money, but Even insists. Finally Mags just takes it, and goes back inside. Even looks up and down the street. It’s dark, and rainy, and depressing. Perfect weather for a lonely walk home.


	47. Chapter 47

Even is almost home when it hits him. Magnus knows he is bipolar. He knows he didn’t take his medication for a while. He knows Even is crazy.

And still, he told him to go for Isak. His friend. His close and dear friend.

It doesn’t make sense, does it? Why would he want to bring something like Even on his friend? He wouldn’t. Magnus is a good friend, who looks after his friends.

Unless.

Magnus said he can’t be Even’s friend today. That means he is something else, right? Like someone, who wants Even to fuck up his chances with Isak. Magnus told him to go for it, because -- he knows.

Isak would say no, and Magnus knows it. Of course he knows, they are close friends, and they talk about these things. Magnus gave Even terrible advice on purpose, and while Even totally gets it, he is still a bit upset because of that. Magnus is entitled to his revenge. Even isn’t blaming him one bit. He’s blaming himself, for making Magnus vindictive.

Even can never tell Isak how he feels about him. Not ever. If he does, Isak will turn him down, and he can’t take it. It would break him. Destroy him. Now, while carrying his secret and simply not getting Isak, he can at least keep breathing.

Barely.

Just keep breathing, Isak tells himself, over and over again. Just. Keep. Breathing. He is leaning his forehead on his knees, rocking his body gently. The motion is soothing him. Sort of.

“Your name is Isak Valtersen”, Isak whispers. He strokes at his shoulder with his fingertips, down the upper arm, pressing down at the band aids under his sleeve. He has borders. He has a body. He is here, he is real.

He can feel Issy pushing towards the surface. He wants to come out and play. He wants to go bowling with Magnus and Even, and he wants to sneak Even into the bathroom and go down on him in there. Isak doesn’t want that. He does, and he doesn’t. It’s not him. He isn’t like that, and he is.

Isak raises his head and grabs his phone. He calls Jonas and puts it on speaker. He listens to the dial tone, holding his breath, waiting for Jonas to pick up and talk some sense into him.

“Hey.” It sounds like coming home. Jonas is smiling, Isak can hear it, and his voice is so warm. “What’s up?”

“I’m losing it”, Isak whispers. He curls up tighter. He is losing it, and right now he is so happy he told Jonas about Issy. “He’s taking over. I don’ t know what to do.”

“Hey. Hey. It’s okay.” Jonas isn’t smiling anymore. It’s Isak’s fault. He can’t feel bad about it now, he is too busy with Issy. “What do you mean by taking over?”

“I was going out. I put my ear buds on and a song was playing, and then it was at the end of the next song on the list, and I have no idea what happened in between. I was out at the street, and I ran back home, and it’s Magnus’ birthday and I can’t go.” Isak stops talking because he has to breathe. He wipes his cheek.It feels wet.

“Okay. You’re home now?”

“Yes.”

“Good. You can stay there. Magnus will understand.”

Isak knows it. Magnus will understand. But hearing Jonas say it out loud makes it easier to believe.

“Are you alone in there?” Jonas asks. Isak kind of giggles.

“I’m never alone. That’s the problem.”

“Is, please.”

Isak sighs. Fine.

“I’m alone.”

“Could you ask someone to come over? I don’t like it that you’re alone in there right now. I would come by myself, but. You know. Far away.”

Ask someone to come over? Who would he ask?

“Eskild is working. All my friends are at Magnus’ party.”

“Fuck. Wait. I’ll put you on speaker.”

“Why?”

“So I can text mom and tell her to come see you.”

“What? No! Jonas Noah Vasquez, do not ask your mother to babysit me! What the fuck?”

“You sound fucking scary, Is. I’ve never heard your voice like this.”

Isak bites his lip. Oh, Jonas.

“Just because you haven’t heard it, it doesn’t mean I haven’t felt like this before.”

It takes a second for Isak’s words to sink in. But when they do, they hit hard. Isak can almost see Jonas, how he deflates, facing how clueless he was in the past and how helpless he is now.

“I’m really worried about you. You need to see a doctor. Please.”

Isak closes his eyes. He knows Jonas is right. It’s just so fucking scary.

“What if I lose him?” Isak whispers. Jonas groans.

“You don’t need him! You can just be yourself. Be gay. Be Isak.”

“Not possible”, Isak says, before he has time to think about it. Or stop it. Fuck.

“You were gay when you were in love with me, weren’t you?”

Jonas is right. Isak was in love with him in a super gay way. It was also horrible.

“It hurt so much”, Isak whispers. He can’t take that kind of pain anymore, not now that he knows how it’s like to be with a boy.

The apartment door opens. Isak hurries to grab his phone and put it off speaker. He drops it in the process, and Jonas doesn’t like that.

“Isak? Is?”

“I just dropped the fucking phone”, Isak tells him. He tries to listen who came home, but he can’t tell. “Someone’s here. I’m not home alone anymore.”

“Let me talk to them”, Jonas says, in a tone that accepts no arguing. Isak shakes his head.

“You’re not telling them I’m going crazy.”

“I don’t want to say I’m not trusting you, but I’m not trusting you. Is someone actually there?”

Isak pushes himself up on his feet, marches to his door and shoves it open. Even looks like he is having a heart attack. Isak holds his phone at an arm’s length, pointing it at Even, and raises his voice.

“Say hi to Jonas.”

“Uhhhh. Hi?”

Isak pulls the phone back on his ear.

“Happy now?”

“No. But I’ll manage. Please, Is, call a doctor. Monday morning. First thing.”

“Fine”, Isak says, just to get rid of Jonas and this stupid conversation. “Bye.”

Isak hangs up and turns his phone off. He looks at Even from under his brow. How late is it already? Has he blacked out for longer than he thought? Did he do it again after he came back inside?

“How was the party?”

Even looks guilty. Didn’t he go, either? Fuck, how hurt must Magnus be? They both promised to go.

“I had to leave early”, Even says. It sounds like a confession and a cover story at the same time.

“Did you get sick?” Isak asks. Even’s face goes really weird for a split second. Then he shakes his head.

“No, no, I just. You know.”

Isak nods, slowly.

“I think I do.”


	48. Chapter 48

Even can’t take his eyes off of Isak. He is so beautiful, and there is something haunting about him, too. Or haunted. Whatever it is, it’s pulling Even towards the boy with a force he isn’t able to resist. He kicks his shoes off his feet, lets his winter jacket fall on the floor and walks to Isak. He raises his hand on Isak’s cheek. It feels a bit wet.

“Are you okay?” Even asks. Isak shakes his head and steps away.

“No. But it’s fine.”

It’s not. It’s not fine, it’s not fine at all. Isak should always be okay, he should be fucking ecstatic, if not all the time then most of the time. Now that Even thinks of it, he doesn’t know how Isak looks like when he’s actually happy. He knows how he looks like when he comes, and that’s not the same. It should be.

“Magnus is worried about you. Can I tell him I found you?”

Isak makes a face. It’s pained, and guilty, and Even knows it too well.

“I fucking suck”, Isak sighs. Even shakes his head.

“No, you don’t. You’re not okay. That means you’re not fit for a party.”

Isak laughs. It sounds dry and rattling, like dead leaves.

“So I’ve been unfit for all the parties I’ve ever attended? Great.”

Even just can’t win today, can he? Fine. He sighs, and shrugs, and leaves Isak alone. He makes it half way to the kitchen, when Isak touches his shoulder and he can’t move anymore.

Isak’s fingers slide over the shoulder to Even’s collarbone. Down his chest. They press, gently, and Even leans back, into Isak’s chest. He feels Isak's breath under his ear. His lips brushing the side of his neck. He turns his head to the side, making room for Isak to kiss his neck more, and closes his eyes. It feels so good.

Even knows he can’t lean on Isak too hard. Just hard enough to feel his body against his own. Just enough to feel the warmth, and the rhythm of Isak’s breathing, his own breathing syncing with it. Neither of their bodies feels like enough on its own, but maybe they could combine them into an adequate one. Strong enough to carry them both.

Isak steps back, but he is still holding Even against him. He pulls Even with him, and Even follows. Tiny step at a time, to the door of his room. Even is kind of grateful for the choice. He doesn’t have to be the one who decides to leave. He can stay, and watch Isak go when Isak wants to, and curl up into his bed and be forgotten in there.

There are many steps before that stage. Even takes them all with Isak, all the way into his room. Isak stays behind his back. He pushes Even on his stomach on the bed and presses from his shoulder blades, urging him to stay still. Even does. He lies there, panting lightly, listening to Isak’s clothes rustling as he undresses.

Is this it? Is this the moment they’re going to fuck? Does Even want to? He does, he does so much, but right now? Like this?

Even’s inner voice is interrupted, gasping, when he feels Isak’s naked torso drape over him. When he feels the hardness press into the back of his thigh. It could be inside him soon, and the thought is as exciting as it’s scary. Even’s head is floating. His body is shivering in short pulses, ignited by Isak’s lips on his shoulder line, kissing along it. He makes a small sound, at the back of his throat, something like an  _ ah. _

Isak chuckles, softly and darkly.

“You like that, babe?” Isak whispers. He nips at Even’s shoulder with his teeth, too, and Even makes the sound again. “Just relax. I’ve got you.”

Even can’t possibly relax. He is too turned on and too frightened. His veins are pumping pure adrenaline now. He is electrified with every touch. Even presses his cheek and hands on the mattress beneath him in a futile attempt to ground himself. How does a piece of wood ground itself in the fire? It can’t. All it can do is burn and turn into smoke, orange sparks striking up to the ink coloured sky.

Isak presses his mouth on the no man’s land between Even’s neck and his shoulder. He sucks on the skin and nibbles at it with his teeth, giving it a soothing flicker with his tongue between the sharp bites. Even is panting again, and moaning, softly. Isak is marking him. It feels incredible. Even ruts his hips against the bed, in constant, hungry motion.

When the hickey is done Isak makes another one below it. Two love bites, shining on Even’s pale skin, visible evidence of this actually happening. Isak is moving on top of him, showering his skin with kisses and licks, running his hands up and down his sides. Even’s shirt is still between them, his skin and Isak’s touches, and Even is sort of happy about it. It smothers the fire somewhat.

It also covers Even’s skin from Isak’s eyes. Even didn’t cut today. He has no marks anywhere, and after the show he put on earlier he is embarrassed about that. He will cut, when Isak leaves, but for now it’s too late. He is busy. His skin doesn’t belong to him right now, it belongs to Isak. His hands and his mouth.

It feels wonderful to belong like this. All Even has to do is lie here and receive. Isak is taking care of him, just like he said, he’s got Even. In soft kisses all over his neck and shoulder, as far as he can reach past Even’s collar, his own bare chest moving against Even. Fire. One body, two broken souls, burning.

Isak slips his hand under Even’s hips. Even tries to raise them up to give Isak some room to operate in, but Isak isn’t having it. He pushes with his own hips, while his fingers work their way inside Even’s pants. It’s a tight fit. It makes Even squirm.

“Come for me, babe”, Isak whispers. His lips tickle Even’s ear. Even just nods, his eyes closed, he will. He will come for Isak, because Isak asks for it, because Isak’s hand presses against his hard dick like this, because Isak kisses the back of his neck. Even moves against Isak’s body and mouth and hand, in short, sharp thrusts, more shaking than moving, the climax building up inside him into an eruption that’s not an explosion but a slow flow of magma, unstoppable and all consuming.

It takes a moment for Even to come back from the peak. He is gasping for breath. His skin is so sensitive, even Isak’s breathing feels like kisses and soft bites, and as Isak grabs his shoulders he says  _ ah! _ again, and again, with every needy thrust Isak makes against the back of his thigh. They become sharper and shorter and faster, until they stop, and Isak’s fingertips press hard into Even’s flesh.

Yes.  _ Yes. _


	49. Chapter 49

Isak opens his eyes. He is still shaking a bit. Just breathing makes his body move in a way that brushes it against Even, and every little touch is a jolt of pleasure. Isak isn’t quite sure what just happened. Or, yes, he is aware he just had sex with Even, that he just pushed Even under himself and took him, in a way, but Isak isn’t sure how things escalated into that.

He remembers feeling terrible. Then he wanted to feel something else. Anything else. And here they are now. In a pile on Even’s bed, catching their breath, floating in a cloud of endorphins and pheromones. Afterglowing.

“Slut”, Isak whispers, as softly as he possibly can. He kisses Even’s shoulder again. “Dirty little slut.”

Isak pulls his hand out of Even’s pants. It’s smeared in gunk, and Isak knows his own underwear isn’t in any better state. He just came, humping Even’s leg like a dog. Like a slut. Pathetic, filthy, stupid little slut. Isak hears a sound, it’s a sad sound, like a sob, but heaving, and coming from some deeper place. From the bottom of a heart.

Isak can’t tell which one of them made the sound. He touches his cheek with the back of his hand. He is crying, at least. Maybe it was him. He presses his forehead on Even’s shoulder blade and sniffles. More mess. Just what he needs right now.

Even shifts under him. He can’t really go anywhere, Isak is pressing him down with his body. Keeping him prisoner, forcing him to take part in this fucking melodramatic meltdown.

“I’m sorry”, Isak whimpers. He grabs Even’s shirt with his spunky hand and just holds on, desperately. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“It’s okay”, Even mumbles. His voice is so low and dark. It vibrates through his body, the back Isak is leaning on, and it feels more soothing than the words he is saying.

Isak’s heart feels like it’s about to burst. That would make the worst mess ever. He has created enough mess already. He needs to hold together. Even isn’t interested in his shit, he just walked away from it. Even is interested in this. Isak’s body, and what Issy can make it do.

It’s okay. It’s something. Even lets Isak cling to him like this, and imprison him, and Isak doesn’t want to get up. Ever. Even is just lying there, breathing slowly, and for a moment Isak can almost believe it actually is okay.

He is a fucking idiot. He does not deserve this. He raises his head and looks at the marks he made on Even’s neck. He marked Even. As if he has the right. Isak brushes at the bruises with his fingertip, barely touching the skin, and the back of Even’s neck gets raised to goose bumps.

“Am I too heavy?” Isak asks. He feels heavy. He feels like he’s made of lead.

“No”, Even says. “It feels good.”

Isak hums and nods. He lowers his cheek on Even’s back and closes his eyes. He listens to Even’s breathing, and his heart. He just lies there. He just is. He wishes it wasn’t this hard. At least Issy isn’t pushing up again. He is dormant, lulled to sleep by the sex they just had. It’s just Isak, breathing in Even, and his calmness, and it kind of feels like healing.

Isak feels so good. Every bit of him feels wonderful, even the wet stains on the back of Even’s shirt. They don’t matter, because they’re from Isak. Isak’s weight feels also good. It’s comforting, and it’s drawing the borders of Even’s body out in a way that he can really feel. He is here. He is whole. He isn’t leaking anywhere, he simply is. He has missed that feeling.

How long is it okay for him to just stay here, with his stained underwear? How dirty of a slut is he? When Isak called him that it didn’t hurt as much as Even would have expected it to. It was just a fact. Even is a slut. All it took was one touch from Isak, and he was ready for anything, even going all the way, unable to deny it from Isak.

Even closes his eyes. It’s a bit hard to breathe, squished under here, but it’s not too bad. It’s worth it. It’s wonderful. He is actually close with Isak. They have had so much sex, but it hasn’t felt like this. He isn’t even naked. He can’t feel Isak’s skin against his own, but still, he is so, so close.

Even loses track of time completely. He has no idea how long they have been here. He isn’t sure if he has been awake the whole time, either. Possibly not. He might have just waken up. Isak is still on top of him. Even listens to his breathing for a moment. Isak is awake.

Even licks his lips slowly. He moves under Isak, squirming slowly. He is keeping Isak close, unwilling and unable to let him go. He manages to flip them over on their side, facing each other. He can breathe easier now. He can see Isak. As a downside, Isak can see him, but it’s a deal Even is ready to make.

Fuck, Isak is pretty.

He is also sad. He is looking at Even, and he is so quiet, and so muted, and so sad. It’s making Even’s heart ache. He raises his hand on Isak’s cheek, careful and timid. He doesn’t have the right to touch Isak like this. This intimately. Actually intimately.

Just fucking tell him.

“I like you”, Even says quietly. He sounds guilty, because he is. “I’m sorry.”

Isak blinks, slowly. It’s like he didn’t hear Even properly. Maybe he didn’t, Even spoke so suddenly. He repeats his words. He likes Isak. He is sorry. He is holding his breath, waiting for Isak to respond.

He didn’t expect Isak to look that -- devastated? Isak’s pretty eyes fill up with tears. He grabs Even’s wrist, lightly, and pulls his hand away from his face.

“No”, Isak whispers. “I can’t. Whatever it is you want from me, I can’t.”

Even just nods. He didn’t know breaking a heart would be this simple. Or this quiet. It just cracks in his chest, and that’s all. No power ballads. No rain hitting the window. Only a bed, and two boys, and two hearts, one of which isn’t whole anymore.

“Okay”, Even says, because what else can he say? Isak can’t. Even doesn’t even know what he wants from Isak, but it doesn’t matter. He can’t have it. He can’t have anything.

“I’m sorry”, Isak more forms with his mouth than actually says. Even nods. He closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing. Isak’s weight leaves the bed, and his presence leaves the room, and Even is left alone. An empty husk, curling up around a useless heart.


	50. Chapter 50

Without Issy coming at all and after Even leaving early the party kind of shrivelled up. It got fused with the group of girls on the next lane, and while all the girls were very nice, they all had boyfriends and Oskar’s advances turned rather invasive rather soon. Magnus had to take him out of there before he did something stupid. Sometimes he wonders why he hangs out with the guy at all, but then friends like Issy and Even flake out and Oskar is at least there.

Then again, after Even leaving he wasn’t feeling like a party anyway, so it didn’t really matter. There will be other parties. Hopefully better ones. This one was with such low planning and short notice, it’s no wonder it didn’t really work out. Magnus is disappointed, but he isn’t bitter, and that’s a small victory in these things.

He is bitter at Even, though. He is just so fucking mad at him. Both of them. Magnus pushed himself past his own boundaries just to impress Even, and to find out he never stood a chance impressing him in any way really hurts. The futility of his attempts is a sore spot for him, and he knows why. It’s because of mom. All his life Magnus has tried his best to help mom out, to keep her episodes at bay, and time after time he has failed, not because he did badly, but because there is nothing he can do.

Sometimes Magnus feels so powerless. It feels like a physical pain, somewhere around his sternum and the top part of his lungs. People who he loves will suffer and there is nothing to be done about that. Magnus can’t protect them from pain. He tries to think that pain is a part of life, a part of growing, but that doesn’t make it feel fair.

Magnus turns his music up and picks up his pace. He is running in the park again. He has been doing that a lot lately. He isn’t actually into exercising, but going for a run gets him out of the house. Mom is getting better, but she is also super tired and down all the time. She went long enough without her pills to get some side effects when she started them again. One more thing on the list of things that make people suffer and that Magnus can’t do anything about.

His headphones beep as a sign for an incoming call. He presses the button and slows down a bit, so he won’t be panting into the call.

“Hello?”

“You’re not reading your messages”, Issy says. He sounds surprisingly salty for someone who ditched Magnus on his birthday.

“I’m on a run”, Magnus says, in his defence. He has been for a couple of hours now, he still isn’t feeling like going home. He hasn’t checked his phone in a while, that’s true.

“He likes me”, Issy blurts out. Okay, they’re not going to talk about the birthday, then. It’s fine. This matter does seem more pressing, because something can still be done about it. Magnus’ birthday and disappointment are things of the past.

“Who?” Magnus remembers to ask. Issy doesn’t know that he knows Even likes him.

“Even!” Issy sounds agitated. “He told me he likes me! Who does that?”

Magnus stops by a bench to stretch his legs. He needs something to focus on, so he won’t lose his temper. He is on the edge, he can see the dark depths in front of him, and he wants to jump. Free fall is a luxury he can’t afford.

“Oh? Don’t you like him?”

“Of course I like him! You’ve seen him! Who doesn’t like that?”

Magnus doesn’t say anything. He isn’t in the mood of bringing up his crush with Even. Not with the feelings that thought has been stirring up lately.

“Fucking idiot”, Issy groans. “Why did he have to do that?”

“Because he likes you”, Magnus says. He hopes he isn’t sounding too sour. This spot seems to be sorer than he anticipated. Issy has nothing to do with what he did with Even, it’s not Issy’s fault in any way.

“He doesn’t even know me!”

“He lives with you”, Magnus reminds Issy. It doesn’t really seem to help.

“We’ve barely spoken to each other, ever.”

“There is only one way to fix that, you know.” Magnus presses his heel down, stretching his calf. It hurts a bit, but in a comfortable way. He leans in, pressing the stretch further.

“I can’t, okay?!” Issy is raising his voice. Magnus sighs.

“Sure you can. Open your mouth and speak.”

“It’s not that easy when you’re not perfect like you”, Issy hisses. Magnus closes his eyes. Perfect, huh?

“Obviously not perfect enough for Even.”

“Nobody is perfect enough for him!”

Magnus switches legs.

“He’s not perfect either, you know.”

Issy laughs. It’s a tense laugh, joyless.

“Bullshit.”

Magnus really, really wants to tell Issy what Even did to him. Issy is his friend. Why can’t he confine to his friend?

Because while he wants to, he really doesn’t. He is mad at Issy. It’s not fair of him, but he can’t help it, he is just so fucking mad he could scream.

“I really can’t see why you’re complaining. Someone likes you, and it’s totally sounding like you like him, too.”

“I’m not complaining! I’m panicking!”

Magnus allows himself one eye roll. One.

“You have no reason to panic. Talk to him. Let him get to know you. You two will make a cute couple.”

Issy laughs that weird way again.

“I can’t be a couple with anyone. Especially not Even.”

Fine. Two eye rolls. Just this once.

“What, you’re polygamous or something?”

“Huh? No? I don’t think so, at least. What does that have to do with anything?” Issy is sounding frustrated. Welcome to Magnus’ life.

“You said you can’t be a couple, and I’m just mapping out why.”

“I can’t be a couple because I’m not a homosexual!” Issy spits out. The way he says it, homosexual, speaks volumes. It’s filled with hate, and loathing, and it doesn’t make sense.

“Issy, you’re the gayest guy I know. After Eskild, but that’s not a fair race.”

“Yeah, but that’s not --” Issy starts loud, but his voice grows smaller as he goes. It turns into a whisper, then a sigh. “It’s complicated.”

“It’s exactly as complicated as you make it yourself.” Magnus is barely holding it together. He should end this call before he says something he can’t take back. “Do you know how brave he is for telling you he likes you?”

“He’s not brave, he’s fucking insane.”

Magnus bites his tongue. Even if Isak knows, it’s not right of them to talk about Even’s mental health behind his back. Especially with this kind of language.

“Talk to him. Appreciate what you’ve been given, if you can stop being a self entitled drama queen for two seconds.” Oops. Abort mission! Abort mission! “Issy, I --”

“I have to go now”, Issy interrupts. Fuck. Magnus fucked up.

“Okay. See you at class?”

“Probably. Bye.”

Issy hangs up. Magnus looks around in the dark, empty park. He looks at his legs. He could do a couple of laps more.


	51. Chapter 51

Those three words are so terrifying. Three small words, so short, the longest one of them has only four letters. Normal, regular words, ones Isak uses every day. Putting them together is what gives them power and makes them frightening.

_Talk to him._

What the fuck would Isak say?

I like you back, but I’m not like that? I like you back, but I’m a fucking mess? I like you back, but I can’t? No way Isak can think of makes any sense. He can’t come up with a way to explain himself. Why he has been having sex with Even, hot, wonderful sex, if he’s not gay.

He also can’t explain it to himself, either. How, exactly, is he not gay, considering Even and the things he does with him, the things he wants with him? Right now, this very moment, while Isak is sitting on his bed and stroking his freshest scar on his arm, if his mind wanders to Even he feels a longing, an ache, that he can’t call anything else but gay.

He can’t do this alone. He just had a fight with Magnus, he might as well burn the rest of his bridges while he’s at it. He called Mags because Jonas can’t talk right now, but maybe he can send a message or two.

_I need you bro_

Isak waits. He stares at his phone, his hands almost shaking, and just. Wishes. Please, Jonas, read the message. Please. When the message turns into read, Isak’s heart starts racing. Jonas could still turn him down.

_Yeah?_

Isak hurries to type. Jonas is probably busy, and he also has to get it out before he can think about it too much.

_Is it possible to be gay and still not gay?_

The three dots by Jonas’ name keep appearing and disappearing. Jonas is thinking. Isak is just waiting, trying to calm down. It’s not going too well. He can feel his heart pounding it s way out through his chest. Finally Jonas replies.

 _That’s not what you really want to know_ _  
__What you’re really asking is: is it possible to be gay and still not wrong_

Isak covers his mouth. Now his hands are shaking. He almost drops his phone. It’s such a simple twist of words, and yet so effective. Because Jonas is right. That’s what Isak is asking. Can he be gay, and still not be wrong? Is it possible? His phone buzzes in his hand, and he struggles to turn it the right side up.

 _In short, yes_ _  
__Your parents can fuck off all the way to hell Is_

Now that’s a twist of words that’s near impossible. Isak has uttered them under his breath countless times, but seeing Jonas say that about his parents makes Isak angry. Jonas has no right. No matter how correct he might be, he has no right.

Isak tries to focus on the second to last message. Jonas is telling him it’s not wrong. Could he believe that? Even just a little bit?

 _Even likes me_ _  
__I can’t do it_ _  
__I’m not gay_

Isak’s fingers just type without asking him for authorization. He is overflowing. He can’t keep it inside himself anymore, he has to get it out, before he explodes. He is so agitated and upset.

 _Yes, you are_ _  
__It’s okay Is_ _  
__You can be gay_ _  
__I love your gay ass_

Breathe, Isak. Just keep breathing. It’s okay. He is gay. It’s not just Issy, it’s him. It might be because of Even, but it’s still a fact. He is gay.

“Your name is Isak Valtersen”, Isak whispers to himself. “And you are gay.”

_Please tell me you’re still there_

Isak types with his eyes closed. It wouldn’t make a difference, his vision is clouded by tears.

_Yes_

He is still here.

Even jumps up on his feet at the knock on his door. He’s being ridiculous. But he knows Isak is home, and he has been listening to Isak’s movements intently, and when he heard the steps approaching his door he filled up with equal parts of hope and dread. Here he is now. Right behind Even’s door. Isak.

Even opens the door. He has no idea how he looks. He has no idea how he feels, either, except this overflowing joy at the mere sight of Isak. He likes Isak, and now that it’s not a secret anymore he can just do it. He can let it show.

Then Isak turns his eyes and looks at him. There is a bottomless sadness in those green eyes, sadness and pain and hurting. It’s all Even can see. It feels like a whirlpool that’s pulling him in.

“We need to talk”, Isak says, just in time before Even steps up close to him and kisses him, just to dissolve that sadness. Even just nods. Okay. They need to talk. He steps back, making room for Isak to enter his room, but Isak shakes his head. “Not here.”

Okay. Even nods again.

“I could have some coffee?”

“Sounds good.” Isak scurries away, into the kitchen. Even follows him. Isak has curled up into a chair, his leg pulled up against his chest, his heel resting on the edge of the seat. His shoulder is folding into a beautiful curve. Even slides his eyes along it to the side of Isak’s neck. He brushes at the bruises on his own skin, and turns his attention to making coffee.

He loves the smell of coffee. He has considered investing in a coffee grinder and a proper coffee maker, but then he remembered he is living in a zoo, with animals. He is terribly fond of animals, though. Especially the grumpy, hissy little kitten sitting by the table behind him. Fuck, Even fell for him the first time he saw him. He is so gone. And now Isak wants to talk.

“What do you want to talk about?” Even asks. He does his best to sound normal, but his voice is wavering a bit. His hands are almost shaking. It’s easier like this, when he’s not facing Isak. He can imagine Isak isn’t looking devastated.

“I don’t know. It’s not -- there’s not a title for it. We just need to talk.”

Even nods, slowly. His lips are moving as he’s counting the scoops of coffee grounds.

“I’m listening.” That’s all he can do, right? Without a topic to talk about. Isak definitely has something to say, and he should listen. “I have time.”

Isak is taking his. Even can hear him breathing, a bit ragged. A couple of times he draws a deeper breath, as he’s about to start talking, but he doesn’t. He just breathes out, in a long sigh, and keeps silent. Even clicks the coffee maker on and leans on the counter with his both hands. He is listening. With his every cell, he is listening. All he needs is Isak to talk.

“Do you really like me?” Isak finally asks. Even bows his head and closes his eyes.

“Yes. I’m sorry, but I do.”

“No. I’m sorry.” Isak sounds so. Small. Scared. Even just wants to sweep him up in his arms and cuddle him until he isn’t scared anymore. “I didn’t mean to seduce you or anything.”

Even almost laughs out loud. It’s just that he doesn’t understand.

“You’ve been pretty seductive this far.”

Isak makes a tiny sound. If Even’s heart wasn’t already broken it would break again.

“It’s not like that. It’s. Complicated.”

Even just nods. Everything is complicated. He knows that much.

“I can’t be with anyone right now. I -- I need to work on some shit. By myself.”

“So it’s not me, it’s you?”

Isak makes that sound again. Quieter. Even can barely hear it over the coffee maker.


	52. Chapter 52

This isn’t going well. Isak didn’t expect it to, either, because there is no way a conversation like this could work out. It’s just that he forgot to take into account that the mere sight of Even makes him want things. Gay things. He wants Even to wipe the table clean and pin him down on it, and just do unspeakable things to him. It’s super hard to think about things he doesn’t want to be thinking about, when Issy keeps feeding him sexy images.

Like him kneeling on the floor in front of Even. Looking up at Even’s beautiful face, while opening his jeans. Slipping his hand inside Even’s underwear, where his prize is waiting for him, semi hard already. Feeling it get hard by his touches. Taking it out slowly, looking at it up close, brushing his lips teasingly on the tip before closing them around it. Letting it slide into his mouth, while still looking up at Even, who is pushing his hand into Isak’s hair.

“Isak?”

Fuck. Isak blinks, startled, and looks at Even, who is suddenly quite close to him. He looks worried. His eyes are so fucking blue. Isak just stares into them, his lips cracked, and sinks under water. He is holding his breath, but he is rubbish at it all of a sudden. Even takes his breath away, and at the same time makes him gasp.

“Isak, are you okay?”

Even touches the back of Isak’s hand. It makes Isak jump. Fucking fuck.

“I’m gay”, Isak says, to his own surprise and horror. Even frowns, the slightest bit, and cocks his head.

“Yeah?”

“No, no, you don’t understand.  _ I’m _ gay. Me. Isak.” The act of confessing is both cathartic and terrifying. Isak’s heart is beating so hard. Even is still frowning. He looks confused.

“I..know?”

Isak shakes his head. No. Even doesn’t know. Nobody knows, except Jonas. Isak tries to focus on how good it felt to tell Jonas the truth. The relief it gave him. He takes a couple of breaths. Not deep ones, because he can’t. He can barely breathe at all.

“I’m mad. Like. Old school madman. Jekyll and Hyde style.”

Even looks more confused. There is something else in his eyes, too, a flash of something. Pain? Isak licks his lips quickly. He has to get this out, now, or he never will.

“I can’t be with you because I don’t know who I am. I have no idea who you’d be with, and I can’t do that to you. I like you too much for it.”

There is a light. It’s small but bright. It lights up Even’s eyes first, then his whole face, and Isak knows that all Even really heard was that Isak likes him. Fucking fucking fuck.

The worst bit is that Isak gets immediately addicted to that light. He doesn’t want to live a day without seeing it. Not a day.

“Even, listen to me. I’m not me. I mean, not all of me. There’s a part that’s missing, a huge part, I need to find it.”

The light is so fucking persistent. Even gets serious, he does, but his eyes are shining. Isak has to tell him more. To make him understand.

“You asked me if I’m okay. I’m not. I blacked out. I got lost in the emptiness the missing piece has left. I do that a lot these days.” Isak’s voice breaks down. This is so much. Too much. He is such a fucking mess, and Even still looks at him like he is something really valuable and important. Isak shakes his head. Please, Even. Don’t. “I’m sorry.”

Even simply nods. He hesitates. Isak can see Even’s every thought on his face. Every mood. He can see Even consider, and make up his mind, and that the answer is no.

“It’s okay.”

“Everyone keeps telling me that. But it’s not okay. That’s the whole fucking point.”

Even almost chuckles. This isn’t funny, and Even knows it too.

“I’m sorry. I mean, it’s going to be okay. I’m not mad at you. I’ll wait.”

Isak closes his eyes. It doesn’t help. He sees Even in his mind. He is still shining.

“Please, Even, don’t. Don’t wait. You should do the exact opposite of waiting, you should try to find someone else.”

Now Even chuckles. Isak keeps his eyes closed.

“I don’t want anyone else.”

“You think you don’t, but you’re wrong.”

Even grabs Isak’s shoulder. Not hard, but strong. Isak opens his eyes and looks at him. Even looks -- angry?

“For as long as I can remember, everyone has been telling me what I think. How I feel about things. I’m sorry, but I’m sick of it.” Even speaks low, his jaw is barely moving. “I might be crazy, but this is real. It’s not just my illness, it’s me. I. Like. You.”

It’s Isak’s turn to be confused. Illness? What illness?

“Crazy?” Isak manages to whisper. Even nods.

“Old school madman. For life.”

Isak is holding his breath again. He is still bad at it. He is under water, but he sees light on the surface. He sees Even. It’s not a vision he should trust.

He just can’t help feeling seen again. Even knows. He sees Isak. Isak brushes at his upper arm with his fingertips and lets his eyes travel up and down Even’s body. He wonders where Even has cut. How many times.

“For life?”

“Isak, I have bipolar disorder. It will never leave me alone. I can get it under control, but it’s always just temporary.” Even speaks so calmly it’s almost hard to believe him. How can Even confess something this big with this much ease? How can Even breathe normally?

“How?” Isak whispers. “How can you get it under control?”

Even blushes. He lowers his eyes. He is ashamed? Now? He confessed so much, so easily, and now he’s feeling shame?

“I can’t. Not really. Taking my medication helps. Keeping up a routine helps. Eating and sleeping regularly helps. But nothing works. There is no cure. I will always be crazy.”

Even is keeping his eyes on the floor. It’s not good. It gives Isak way too much liberty to look at Even’s face and feel things.

Dangerous, horrible, wonderful things.

“Please remember I said this before I knew about your illness”, Isak says quietly. “I can’t be with you. I can’t be with anyone right now. I don’t want you to wait for me. I can’t make you stop, but I can ask you to not let me know you haven’t stopped.”

Even nods. Barely. If Isak wasn’t watching him this closely, he would have missed it.

“I know it’s much to ask for. I really am sorry.”

Even nods again.

“Mm. Me too.”

Isak stands up. It makes him get way, way too close to Even, but he allows himself to be there for only a split second before he steps towards the door.

“I need to think about things. Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry you’re not well.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Isak forces himself out of the kitchen. He goes into his room, locks his door, and slides on the floor with his back against it. Fucking fucking fucking fuck.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit short. So much dialogue!

Magnus knows he is crossing a boundary, but he doesn’t know what else he can do. He is worried sick. Try as he might, Issy is not letting him in. There is something wrong with him, it’s obvious, but Issy keeps insisting he is fine. He is not fine. Magnus is at his wits end. He needs help.

Magnus takes a deep breath and hits the green circle. He is out on a run again, so he slips his phone in his pocket. The phone rings barely once when Jonas picks up. Magnus sent him a message first, asking if he could talk.

“Hey”, Jonas says. This is the first time Magnus hears him speak on the phone. He is surprised by how much like himself Jonas is sounding. “What’s up?”

“It’s Issy”, Magnus says. It’s best to be honest up front. He doesn’t want to waste Jonas’ time. He can hear Jonas is frowning.

“What about him?”

“I’m worried. He keeps telling me he’s okay, but he’s clearly not. He hasn’t been himself in a couple of weeks now, and it’s getting worse. He has missed most of his classes, and whenever I see him he looks just -- exhausted. He is shutting down. I know how it looks like.” Magnus keeps talking and talking, in a hurry to deliver the message to Jonas before Jonas decides they shouldn’t be talking about Issy behind his back.

“Shit”, Jonas sighs. “I knew it.”

Magnus feels his shoulders relax. He didn’t notice how tense they had become. Jonas knows what he is talking about. Maybe Jonas also knows how Issy can be helped.

“Has he been like this before?”

“Isak has the tendency to be gloomy”, Jonas says. Magnus doesn’t recognise that description.

“Issy? Gloomy? That’s hard to believe.”

Jonas is silent for a moment. Magnus can hear him breathing. It’s a soothing sound. At least he’s not alone in this. Issy has other friends, friends who can help out.

“We are talking about the same person, right? Isak Valtersen, the guy who lives with Even and Eskild?”

“Yeah. That’s Issy. I’m talking about him.”

Jonas hums.

“Right. I just had to check. Isak has always been gloomy. It’s like there is a little black cloud over his head at all times.”

Magnus laughs, in disbelief. Jonas isn’t making any sense. Issy is the polar opposite of Jonas’ description, and Jonas is supposed to be his best friend. Why doesn’t Jonas know Issy at all?

Magnus knows why. He just doesn’t want to think about it. He thought he was Issy’s friend, a close friend, they just hit it off so well and. Magnus doesn’t know shit about him, now does he?

“Fuck”, Magnus half whispers. “I’ve got it so wrong, don’t I?”

“From the sound of it, yeah. I mean, I’ve known Isak for years. He is definitely gloomy.”

Magnus does the math quickly. He has known Isak for about three months or so. That’s a long time to be pretending you’re someone you’re really not. It makes sense that Issy is getting tired of the act.

Magnus has to stop running. He leans his palm on the cold metal side of a lamp post and tries to remain calm. He has been so, so wrong. It’s very likely this isn’t the first time he has been blind to a friend in need. He has been so proud of his ability to read the people around him, to see when they need help. How many friends has he failed this far?

Get yourself together, Mags. You might have failed Issy before, but you can help him now. You just have to focus.

“Has he been like this before?”

“Like what?” Jonas asks. Maybe he has trouble focusing, too. Magnus licks his lips quickly. He doesn’t want to say it out loud, because then it will be real. He has to. Issy needs him.

“Depressed.”

Jonas goes silent, too. They both are feeling the full weight of the word on their shoulders. Now that it’s said out loud, it’s obvious. Isak is depressed. And they, his friends, have let that happen.

Magnus is the first one to talk again.

“He needs help.”

“I’ve tried to make him go see a doctor, but he keeps promising he will and then just won’t.” Jonas sounds frustrated. Magnus can’t blame him. “Fuck, if I only wasn’t so far away. I shouldn’t have come here.”

Magnus feels a sting of jealousy in his chest. If Jonas was here instead of him, maybe Issy would be fine.

No. This isn’t about him.

“I’ll drag him to a doctor”, Magnus says. “First thing tomorrow. I won’t quit until he makes an appointment, and I will make sure he goes there.”

“Isak can be a real bitch about things like that.”

Magnus laughs, surprised. He didn’t expect Jonas to call Issy a bitch. Especially under these circumstances.

“Right. I can handle it.”

“I mean it. If he feels cornered he can get nasty. He is perceptive and probably knows your weaknesses, even ones you don’t know yourself.” Jonas sounds actually worried about Magnus. He probably doesn’t think too highly of him. He doesn’t think Magnus can deal with Issy.

“I said I can handle it.”

“Okay. I’ll put Isak in your hands. At least they’re there.”

Magnus hums. He gets it, Jonas is upset. He is upset himself. His hand is getting numb from the cold. It’s fine.

“I’ll take care of him. I promise.”

“I hope he will let you”, Jonas sighs. “Good luck. Keep me posted.”

“I will. Thank you.”

“Back at you. You’re a good friend.”

Magnus closes his eyes. He pulls his hand away from the lamp post and pushes it in his pocket to warm up.

“I try.”

Jonas pauses for a couple of seconds. When he speaks again, his voice is warm.

“No. You don’t try, you do. Thank you.”

Magnus keeps his eyes closed. He takes a slow, deep breath. Keep it together, Mags, just for a bit more.

“Okay.”

“I’ll be checking my phone constantly tomorrow. Don’t leave me hanging.”

“I won’t.”

“Thanks. Good luck.”


	54. Chapter 54

Isak is so beautiful. Even knows he shouldn’t be looking, but he can’t turn his eyes away. He pushes his hands deeper into his pockets to protect them from the brutal breeze. Even is outside, across the street to their house, looking up at the kitchen window. Isak is in the kitchen, eating pasta or cereal or something similar from a bowl, and Even hasn’t ever seen anything more beautiful than Isak bathing in the warm light.

Even is so cold. He has been out here, just standing and looking, for about twenty minutes. If Isak is eating pasta it must be cold by now. Even isn’t judging, he loves cold pasta every now and then. He is simply dying to know what Isak is eating, because it’s Isak who is eating it, and Even wants to know everything there is to know about that boy.

He knows so very little.

He knows Isak’s body quite well. He knows how to make it tick. How to make it come. The thought of it makes warmth rush through Even, briefly, in memory of Isak’s body against his. He misses that feeling, terribly.

He misses being in the same room with Isak. They have been dodging each other ever since their talk. Even has done his best to give Isak time to think. He has watched, in secret,from a distance, how Isak has been shrinking day by day. It scares him, because it’s so familiar.

Even wants to save Isak. He wants that desperately. He doesn’t know how to do that. He has no idea what he should save Isak from, except that it’s dark, and formless, and powerful. All Even has to fight it with is a flashlight with half drained batteries. It keeps flickering, in the same rhythm as his heart.

Isak is done with his dinner and stands up. He looks at the window. Even steps behind the lamp post, just in case, as if it could hide him in any way. Isak doesn’t seem to notice him, but Even knows it’s not because of his hiding place. Isak is probably seeing only his own reflection in the window, against the darkness outside.

As Isak leaves the kitchen Even can finally go inside. He is freezing. He needs to take a long, hot shower to warm himself up. Even hurries up the stairs, clapping and rubbing his hands together on his way. He can barely feel his fingers anymore. He drops the keys twice before he manages to get inside the apartment.

Even sees Isak’s room’s door close as he steps inside. He just missed Isak. That’s perfect, really. Isak needs space. Even needs to give it to him. Right? Even peels off his winter clothes and shoes, and walks towards the bathroom. Cold cold cold. He takes a towel from the hook and sniffs at it. Ew. No. Even shoves the towel in the already stuffed hamper and checks the cupboard. No clean towels.

After checking his own room Even doesn’t have a choice. He is shaking with cold. He doesn’t want to get sick again, last time was terrible. Never again. So, he knocks on Isak’s door. He waits, holding his breath. His heart is flickering.

Isak opens the door. He is so fucking beautiful. Up close he looks also tired, and sad, and like he has given up.

“Yes?” Isak asks, after Even has just stared at him for several seconds. A shiver of cold makes Even shake, as if to remind him why he is here.

“Do you have a towel? At least semi clean? I need to warm up but we have no towels.”

Isak nods slowly.

“You’re cold?”

“Freezing”, Even says. It’s true. He is freezing. “The tram broke down and I decided to walk the rest of the way. Big mistake.”

Isak nods again.

“I don’t think I have any, but I’ll check”, Isak says. He closes the door and leaves Even standing there. Shivering with cold and aching with longing. He could feel the warmth of Isak’s body radiate from him. Even jumps when Isak opens the door again. “Sorry. I don’t have any.”

“Fuck”, Even sighs. Isak looks at him. He doesn’t look as lost as he just did. He steps back, but doesn’t close his door.

“Come in.”

Even does. There isn’t an option. He enters Isak’s room, closes the door behind him and locks it. Eskild isn’t welcome here. Even shivers with cold again. This isn’t the optimal time for Isak to finally talk with him, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Isak glances at him from the corner of his eye. He steps closer. And closer still. Even can’t move. He can’t think. He isn’t feeling the cold anymore, it has been replaced by a need. Isak is so close. Even can smell him clearly. He draws in a deep breath. It makes Isak blush.

“Seriously? You’re sniffing me?”

Even blushes, too.

“You smell irresistible.”

Isak leans in just a bit. He sniffs at Even’s cheek and pulls back.

“So do you.” Isak’s fingers brush at the back of Even’s hand. “Fuck, you really are freezing.”

Even nods. Yes. He is. He is so, so cold. Isak’s hand feels hot to the touch when it tries Even’s side under his shirt. It sends more shivers along Even’s body.

“Take your clothes off”, Isak says, stepping back. Even blinks for a moment, confused. Isak wants him to undress? Really? Isak pulls his own hoodie over his head and lets it drop on the floor. Even doesn’t understand.

“I’ll help you get warmed up”, Isak explains. “We don’t want you to get sick again. Eskild will kill me if I let that happen.”

Even kind of smiles. Isak is right, Eskild will have a fit if Even gets sick. Still, he isn’t too sure about this taking his clothes off thing. Isak seems to be. He undoes his jeans and drops them, as well, and slips into his bed under the blanket. He keeps looking at Even, expectantly, and finally Even does as he’s told. He undresses, down to his underwear, and when Isak pulls the blanket up Even lies down next to him.

It’s so warm under the blanket. Isak’s body is like a radiator. It glows heat, sweet heat, and Even lets himself be pulled towards it. He presses against Isak’s skin, his eyes closed, and it feels so good he could cry.

“I miss you”, Even whispers. Isak wraps his arm around him and strokes his back gently.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m here now.”

“For now?” Even asks. Isak’s lips touch his forehead. They feel warm, and a bit dry.

“For now.”


	55. Chapter 55

Even is like a block of ice. It’s good. It helps Isak keep himself cool despite lying under the blanket only in his underwear, his body pressed against Even. He’s so close. If Isak moves his head, his nose will touch Even’s face. He doesn’t move much. Neither does Even. Even looks so sad, and Isak knows he does, too. Somehow it’s still easier. To be sad together.

“I lied to you”, Even says quietly. He lowers his eyes. Isak watches his dark eyelashes. They look so soft. Delicate.

“Oh?” Isak asks. He doesn’t bother with trying to sound light. They are heavy, both of them, their hearts are made of stone and permafrost. The ice is pushing through the rock, forcing it to crack. If it melts, it will leave empty spots. It’s better to keep it frozen. If you have holes in your heart, anything could fill them.

“The tram didn’t break”, Even confesses. He looks up at Isak, only quickly, just a little glance. Isak misses his eyes immediately. “I was outside looking at you. From the kitchen window.”

Oh.

Isak doesn’t know what to think about that. Even was watching him, in secret, and in a way it makes Isak feel violated, and in a way it doesn’t, because it was Even, and he doesn’t apparently mind Even watching him. He should mind.

“I’m sorry. I saw you and I just couldn’t walk past.”

Isak touches the back of Even’s neck. His skin is still cool.

“But you must”, Isak whispers. “You can’t just stick around waiting for me, you have to live your life. I can’t promise you anything, especially not that some day I will be okay. I might not be. Ever. I can’t be responsible of your happiness.”

Even nods, and makes a sound of agreement. He looks at Isak again, this time properly. Isak can see the light, it’s like the sun behind a thick layer of clouds, pale but substantial and tangible and there. So, so obviously there.

It’s kind of refreshing to get lost in the moment as himself. Isak just looks at Even, at the light in his eyes, for what feels like minutes. People say you can have entire conversations with your eyes only, but they aren’t talking now. They aren’t saying anything, they’re just being. It feels effortless in a way Isak hasn’t felt in ages. At the same time, it feels heavy. Or maybe it’s just him.

Isak doesn’t know which one of them goes for the kiss first. All he knows is it’s happening. Their lips meet each other, his warm and Even’s cool, and they kiss. Even is shaking against him, probably with the cold. Isak moves closer. He needs more ice for his heart. He needs to keep it occupied.

Maybe he shouldn’t be kissing Even like this, then. The way Issy kisses him is fine, it’s not actually warm, it’s just neon lights and distant stars, the glow of the city behind the horizon in the night sky. This is different. This is a kiss that feels like a light in a warm kitchen, or in a fireplace, a flame in a lantern hanging on a porch, the constant, steady flashing of a lighthouse. It’s a light that makes Isak notice how dark it has been for a long time now.

It’s dangerous. It’s stupid. It’s careless. Isak is being careless with Even now, kissing him like this. He has told Even how he feels. Even knows how things are. Where he stands. It’s not on Isak anymore, Even is a grown man, he should be able to look after his own heart by now. Right?

Isak kisses Even one more time. Okay, two more times, then he pulls away and presses his forehead against Even’s so his lips are out of his reach for a second.

“We shouldn’t”, Isak says, his voice thick and dull. They shouldn’t. It’s not right. It’s not proper to kiss someone like this if you don’t mean it, and Isak can’t kiss Even in any other way right now.

Even looks so calm.

“I want to. Don’t you?”

Isak has to nod. He wants to. His whole being is wondering why the fuck isn’t he kissing Even right now.

“Yeah, I do, but --”

“It’s okay”, Even interrupts. He presses his cool and on Isak’s cheek. “I know this is just for now. It’s okay.”

Isak swallows. Even’s calmness is suspicious. Is he cool with this because he is thinking that for now will be followed by another for now, and another, until it turns into a forever? Does he really understand?

Even kisses him. It feels so good. Isak doesn’t want to stop, but this isn’t right. He can’t use Even like this. Isak pulls away again, and takes Even’s face in his hands, to keep him at a distance.

“Even, I mean it. When this moment passes, and it will. Moments are like that. They pass. And when this one does, you will have to leave my room and maybe never come back. Do you understand? I need that maybe. I need to know you aren’t expecting anything from me. I know it makes me a dick, but I can’t be more right now. Just a dick.”

Even giggles, because he is an idiot.

“To be honest, I wouldn’t mind some --?”

Isak rolls his eyes. He shakes his head, and lets go of Even. He is doing his best to pretend to be mad, but he can’t pull it off. He has a thing for idiots.

“I’m being serious here.”

Even nods. He stops giggling. He pushes his fingers into Isak’s hair.

“I know what  _ for now _ means. My whole life has been just that. I’m well, for now. I’m manic, for now. I’m depressed, for now. Everything passes. All I can do is take it one minute at a time.” Even strokes at Isak’s cheek with his thumb. His eyes are so kind. “Can you do that? Can you give me a minute?”

Isak breathes as slowly as he possibly can. He has to, so he can remain calm. He has no need to panic. Being seen isn’t a reason to panic. Having someone care about you isn’t a reason to panic. Isak is safe. He is feeling safe. He is feeling like he can trust Even, and that is definitely a reason to panic, now that he thinks about it.

Breathe. Slowly.

A minute isn’t a long time. It’s not much at all.

“Just one minute?” Isak whispers. Even nods. He isn’t smiling, but his eyes are made of light. Soft, warm light, easy to look at.

“That’s all we need. One minute.”

“Won’t there be another minute after it?”

“If we’re lucky. We might get hit by a lost nuclear missile or something. A minute is all we have, ever, and in a way that’s a comforting thought. It’s like. Nothing lasts forever. Not the good things, but not the bad things, either.”

Isak doesn’t quite see the comfort in that. He does, however, understand what Even is saying. All they need is a minute.

Isak closes his eyes and kisses Even. If all he has is this minute, he wants to spend it just like this.


	56. Chapter 56

Even lied again. He lied to himself, too, badly, and he didn’t buy it.

He is absolutely expecting for now to turn into forever.

He can’t help it. Kissing Isak does that to him. It makes Even believe in him. In them. That there could be something that can be called  _ them. _ It’s a foolish wish, and he is quite positive it will make him break his heart, but fuck it, his heart is desperate to feel anything.

The simple act of wanting something is almost dizzying. Even has missed it. Wanting something like this, wanting someone. He has been with Isak many times, but it has been almost something involuntary. It hasn’t been like this. Even wants Isak. All of him. He wants Isak to be his, forever, and he is kidding himself and lying to Isak when he says he’s fine with for now.

He’s not. He could never be.

Isak is so warm.

They stop kissing to catch their breath again. It’s fine, because it means Even can look at Isak. He can see the most beautiful boy in the world, up close. His green eyes. They’re so sad. Isak really believes he can’t be Even’s. He really thinks that they don’t have more than this one minute.

They might as well make the most of it, at least?

Even slips his fingers into Isak’s curly hair. It’s so soft. His hands are starting to warm up, at least. He dares touch the back of Isak’s neck now. Right at the hairline. He strokes at it, softly, and Isak cracks his mouth. Even can’t resist it, he has to taste Isak’s lips again.

They’re breathing faster and heavier. Their hearts are racing. Their shared body heat is warming Even up all the way through. Isak is kissing him back, and the kiss tastes so different than before. Even has kissed Isak many times, but not like this. Isak feels more present. Even didn’t notice it earlier, but now that Isak is here, it’s clear.

He wants Isak. All for himself. All of Isak. And it’s not just his illness speaking. It’s him. This is real. Finally, finally Even is at peace when he is kissing Isak. This is real. This is right. Even knows he can’t say it out loud, but he keeps speaking with his touches. He writes it on Isak’s back, between his shoulder blades, in shaky letters.

_ Be mine. _

Isak pushes his chest closer to Even. It’s new. Before, Isak has pushed his hips at Even. His dick, not his heart. It’s encouraging. Isak is fighting it, but Even is confident he will lose. This is bigger than them. There is no fighting this. Even knows he can’t push Isak, and he doesn’t want to, either, but he also knows he doesn’t have to. All he needs to do is wait.

The kiss reaches the point where it will either heat up or wither away. Once again, they let it go. It shrinks into little pecks and nibbles, and then it stops altogether. Isak leans his forehead on Even’s, his eyes closed. He swallows.

“Fuck, I love kissing you”, Isak whispers. Even hums. Isak sounds like he has something more to say. Even waits. He has time. Minute after minute, all of his minutes belong to Isak. He has to really focus to listen to what Isak has to say, though. His brain isn’t working properly yet, it loses interest quickly. Finally, Isak sighs.

“I haven’t done it too much before.”

Okay, now that is interesting. Even arches his brow.

“Oh? Have I imagined it?”

“No”, Isak sighs. “I have. Kind of.”

Even nods slowly. O-kay. This is still interesting, but also really confusing.

“It’s like. I have this -- I was so unhappy for so long, so I decided to try being happy instead. It isn’t working out.” Isak sounds so frightened. Even takes his hand and raises it to his lips. He places a soft kiss on every knuckle.

“Are you unhappy now?”

Isak shakes his head.

“No. I’m not, but I’m not happy, either. I’m. Scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

Isak presses his chin. He looks at Even from under his brow, and Even knows.

“Me. You’re scared of me.”

Isak closes his eyes. Even squeezes his hand a bit tighter.

“Not exactly you, but the way you make me feel. It scares me.”

Even can’t help it. The light splashes out of him like water. It makes tiny glowing puddles all over the bed and the floor. Even makes Isak feel something. His heart is celebrating, even though he has no idea is it a good or a bad feeling. He simply decides it’s good.

“There’s no need to be scared”, Even says quietly. Isak kind of laughs.

“You can’t know that.”

“Yes I can. For this minute, there is nothing to be afraid of. It’s just you and me in here.”

“That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”

“I don’t understand”, Even has to admit. Isak shakes his head and sighs.

“Never mind. Can we just cuddle?”

“Of course.” Of course they can. Even can’t think of many things he would rather do than cuddle with Isak. He moves his hand down, on Isak’s lower back, and presses him closer. He wants to feel all of Isak against him. Now that they have established that they’re going to just cuddle, some hip contact should be alright. Isak seems to agree. He slips his leg between Even’s legs, too. Even just holds Isak close. And writes on his skin again.

“Did you just draw a heart on me?” Isak asks. Even blushes. He drew it too slowly.

“Yes.”

Isak nods. He touches Even’s cheek. Is Even imagining it, or is Isak’s hand shaking a bit?

“It’s okay.” Isak snuggles up closer to Even, and presses his head on Even’s chest. “You can.”

Even doesn’t hesitate for a second. He draws a heart on Isak’s lower back, slowly, and makes one more line. Isak’s hair tickles at Even’s face.

“Is that an I in the middle?”

“Too much?” Even asks. Isak thinks about it for a bit.

“No. It’s cute. A bit dorky, but I think I like dorky.”

Even laughs, relieved. He kisses Isak’s hair.

“In that case, you’re in for a real treat.”

Isak giggles a little, too. It sounds so great. Isak has been so sad, every little bit of light seems so bright.

“Idiot.”

“I hope you like idiots, too”, Even hums. He kisses Isak’s hair again.

“I suppose I do.”


	57. Chapter 57

Minutes pass. That’s what they do. They pass, and they take moments with them, and they will never return. Sometimes, though, they leave memories behind. Fond memories, the kind you can wrap yourself in later, to remember the warmth that has once surrounded you.

Even didn’t spend the night. Isak was left alone in his bed, and there he is still, next morning, unwilling to let go of the memory. He shouldn’t be this fond of it. It’s careless. He is using Even. Leading him on. As much as you can lead someone on while telling them over and over again that you’re not interested in them like that. Isak has been honest with Even. Why does he still feel like he’s not?

Isak touches the dent on his pillow, left by Even’s head. He had so many chances last night, to tell Even about Issy. He just can’t find the words. Even wouldn’t understand. For some reason Isak longs for that. He needs Even to understand him. To not only see him, but to also get him. But how could he, when Isak doesn’t understand himself?

The doorbell rings. Isak frowns. He isn’t expecting anyone. Besides, all his friends are civilized enough to message him before just barging in. Isak listens, if Even or Eskild is going to answer the door, but nothing seems to happen. The doorbell rings again.

“Someone’s at the door!” Isak shouts.

“Not it!” Eskild yells back. Even doesn’t make a sound. Isak sighs, and rolls his eyes, and gets up. He finds a pair of slacks and a clean-ish hoodie, and drags his ass to the door. Maybe whoever was ringing the doorbell got sick of waiting and left.

Of course, Isak isn’t that lucky. When he opens the door, he sees that he could not have waited this one out.

“Mags?”

Magnus doesn’t look like his usual self. He is very serious, and kind of scared, and a whole lot guilty.

“Hi”, Magnus says. “Can I come in?”

Isak knows he is going to regret this later. He steps back, making way for Magnus to enter the apartment.

“Sure. What brings you here? Don’t you have classes?”

Magnus comes inside and looks at Isak from under his brow.

“Don’t you?”

Isak blushes and retreats to his room to make himself some time to come up with something. When Magnus follows him, having peeled off his winter clothes, Isak closes the door after him. Eskild must be listening, curious skank.

“I dropped a couple of classes”, Isak says. It’s technically true. He just dropped more than a couple, he dropped all of them. “I’ll pick up the pace in the next period.”

Magnus nods. He doesn’t look convinced. It doesn’t matter, it is what it is, and Isak has fallen too far behind on his classes to catch up anymore. He will have to try again next year. Isak sits down on the side of his bed.

“Why are you here?” Isak asks again. Magnus looks at the floor and rubs the back of his neck.

“I, uh. Look, Issy, the thing is. I mean. You know?”

Isak shakes his head.

“I have no idea.”

“I called Jonas”, Magnus confesses. That’s what it is, a confession. Isak raises his brow. He doesn’t like where this seems to be going.

“You are friends, right? Friends can call each other.”

Magnus makes a face.

“Yeah, but uh. We talked about you.”

There it is. Isak’s fingers curl up into a fist. Magnus and Jonas have talked about him. Behind his back. That’s why Magnus is looking so guilty.

“I hope it wasn’t anything bad”, Isak tries. He tries to make light of this, but the look on his so called friend’s face says it all. There is no making light of this.

“No, not like that”, Magnus says. He sits down next to Isak. Isak can tell he wants to take Isak’s hand. Isak folds them under his armpits, crossing his arms tightly.

“What, then?”

Magnus touches Isak’s knee instead. Isak moves his leg away. Fuck off, Mags.

“Issy, you’re not well. We’re worried about you.”

No, seriously. Fuck off.

“I’m fine”, Isak snaps, way too fast to have an ounce of credibility.

“You’re not. You’re not fine, Issy, you’re obviously depressed, and you need help.” Magnus is pleading now. He’s like a puppy someone just kicked, and Isak’s leg is really itching to kick him again.

“I didn’t know you two got a degree in psychiatry”, Isak says. His voice is as cold as Even’s hands were last night. Permafrost. “Congratulations.”

“Issy, please. Jonas told me he has asked you before, and I’m asking you now. Make an appointment. Just go see a doctor. You don’t have to keep feeling like this.”

“You don’t know how I’m feeling”, Isak hisses. Not Magnus, not Jonas. Even might know, maybe, but Isak hopes he doesn’t.

“We can see you’re hurting. I can see it. You’re in pain, you have been for a while, and I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Isak rolls his eyes. Magnus is being an idiot. “All you need to be sorry for is this fucking invasion of my privacy.”

Magnus draws a deep, slow breath. He pushes his shoulders back, while Isak curls up a bit tighter. He feels seen, but not like with Even. This feels like getting caught.

“I’m not leaving until you call and make an appointment. And when that appointment arrives, I’m taking you to the clinic. I know it’s hard, but you can do it. You’re not alone. You have friends. You have people who care about you. You have me.”

Isak smiles, wryly.

“Touching. Are you done?”

“Issy --”

“Exactly how many points do you suppose you’re scoring with this? Enough to get you the rank of best friend?” Isak can hear his voice. How sharp and hard it is. It’s a blade, and it wants blood. “You will never be my best friend, Magnus. You try way, way too hard. Nobody likes a needy bitch, and if you think everyone doesn’t see right through you, you’re mistaken.”

Magnus’ shoulders aren’t looking so wide and strong anymore. But he’s still here. Isak has to make him leave, so that he can collapse.

“You probably think you’re such a good friend. You think people appreciate your efforts. You know what? They take it for granted. Because they can. They know they could kick you in the teeth and you’d still come back for more, because you’re so fucking desperate.”

“Issy, please. You don’t mean that.”

Isak can feel the white rage burn inside him. He surrenders to the fire. Lets it consume him. Burn in Hell, Magnus Fossbakken, and take Isak with you.

“How was your party, birthday boy? How many people actually cared?”

Magnus closes his eyes. Isak can smell his tears trying to push through.

“Is that all you got?” Magnus whispers. He opens his eyes and looks at Isak. He is so, so hurt, but he isn’t giving up. “There is only one way you can make me leave. Make. The. Appointment.”

“You’re pathetic”, Isak huffs, rolling his eyes.

“Maybe I am”, Magnus says. His voice is stronger now. That’s not good. He looks calm, as well. Also not good. “This is not about me, or my shortcomings. This is about you, and what you need, and you need help. Professional, medical help, and I will not rest until you get some. I will fight for you, even if you’ve given up yourself.”

The truth hurts, they say. They are right.

Isak is giving up. That’s why he doesn’t want to let Even close. He is giving up, and he doesn’t want to be responsible of anyone, because that would mean failing them when he finally --

Isak isn’t sure when Magnus pulled him in a hug. He leans on his friend’s chest. He’s so tired. He has barely any fight left in him. Maybe he could let someone else fight for him? Could he?

“It’s okay”, Magnus whispers. “You don’t have to be brave. You’re not alone.”

Right now, being held like this, Isak can almost believe it.


	58. Chapter 58

Magnus stays with Isak until he runs out of energy and falls asleep. Magnus is happy he does. Issy seems so tired. He needs sleep. Magnus pulls his hand slowly away from Issy’s relaxed hand and stands up as quietly as he can. It’s time to go home. Issy has an appointment now, and while it’s two weeks away, he seems stable enough for now. Magnus made him promise to answer his calls or messages, and he’s going to call tomorrow to check on Issy.

Magnus leaves Issy’s room. He has barely closed the door, when another door opens. Eskild pops his head out and nods at Magnus.

“Coffee?” Eskild mouths, picking up on how quiet Magnus is trying to be. Magnus hesitates. He is exhausted. But Eskild is a friendly face. He also looks like he would not let Magnus leave without having a word with him. Magnus nods. Okay. He could have some coffee.

They go to the kitchen. Eskild starts putting the coffee on, while Magnus slumps down on a chair. He can hold it together for twenty minutes more. He’ll drink the coffee and go home, take one of mom’s benzos and have a good long cry. Solid plan.

Magnus watches Eskild’s hands as he measures the coffee grounds. It’s soothing. It’s so domestic, and ordinary. Normal people make coffee just like that. When Eskild is ready, he turns around.

“I’m so, so sorry for what he said to you. You know it’s not true, right?”

Magnus blinks, slowly. Oh. Shit. It was bad enough to hear Issy say those things, he did not need someone else to find out about them, too.

“You heard us?”

Eskild shrugs.

“I wouldn’t say I was listening on you, but I totally was. Isak was a real bitch to you. I’m sorry about that.”

Magnus isn’t sure what to think about this. Eskild wasn’t supposed to hear any of that, and knowing he heard what Isak said to him makes Magnus feel kind of squirmy. He forces the lump in his throat down. The worst bit is, that now he will have to stand up for Issy. He really doesn’t feel like it.

“He has a point.”

Eskild rolls his eyes.

“He does not. You’re a great guy, and you still being here proves it. Isak doesn’t deserve a friend like you, but he definitely needs one.” Eskild sighs, and rubs his eyebrow. “Fuck, I should be more like you. Poor baby gay is hurting, and I let that slip.”

“I let it slip, too”, Magnus says. Eskild shakes his head.

“No. You don’t get to feel bad about this. Not after what you did today. Fuck, after that earful I would have stormed out immediately.”

Magnus just shrugs.

“I wanted to. If Jonas didn’t warn me about this happening I would have. I came prepared.”

“Jonas warned you? About what?”

“He told me that Issy would know my weaknesses and attack them ruthlessly.” Magnus sighs. Jonas was right. Issy really went at him. “I spent last night figuring out what they might be. He actually missed a couple. I guess he ran out of steam.”

Eskild just looks at him for a moment. Then he shakes his head.

“You’re really something, aren’t you? I could blow you right here and now.”

Magnus blushes and coughs.

“Excuse me?”

“I mean totally platonically, of course. A friendly blowjob, as a reward from the universe for being the fucking champ you are.” Eskild notices the look on Magnus’ face, and he grins. “I’m just kidding. Unless you would like that blowjob, because I totally will drop on my knees and go to town.”

Magnus can’t help it. He giggles. This is just so absurd. Here he is, his heart broken by his apparently never best friend, and Eskild is offering him a blowjob in the kitchen for his troubles. He’s almost tired and bruised enough to take that offer. If it didn’t just make things even more messy, he would at least consider.

“I’m uh. Good. Thanks. I’m sure you give great head, but I’ll pass.”

Eskild winks.

“You bet your cute ass I do.”

“No slut shaming, of course.”

“For the record, you just called me a slut. Given the circumstances, and it being a solid fact, I forgive you.”

Magnus blushes. Eskild is right. He doesn’t have the strength to feel sorry about anything right now. He is out of battery. Luckily the coffee is done, so Eskild turns his back to him. Magnus can get a little break. He buries his face in his hands and just breathes, until a mug lands on the table in front of him.

“I’m just happy Issy is going to get help”, Magnus says.

“Mm-hm. And how about you?” Eskild asks, sitting down on the other side of the table with his coffee. Magnus doesn’t understand the question.

“I’m not depressed?”

“At least for now. Do you have people? Will someone take care of you, too?”

Magnus sips his coffee. It’s nice and hot.

“I have people.”

Eskild looks so relieved Magnus is happy he said what he did. He can’t hold Eskild’s hand too, he is busy helping Issy.

“I thought you might. You’re a great guy, and a good friend.”

Magnus sips his coffee again to hide his blushing. He isn’t going to tell Eskild he was thinking about his mom and dad. That would sound a bit too pathetic. Desperate. Issy’s words were carefully crafted to hurt him, but that doesn’t make them untrue.

“I’ll probably be around a bit more from now on. Keeping an eye on him.” Go on, puppy. Wag your tail. Magnus puts his coffee down and stands up. “I should get going now. Thanks for the coffee, and. Thanks.”

Eskild nods.

“See you around, then. And about that blowjob -- just say the word and it will happen.”

Eskild wiggles his eyebrows, and Magnus giggles. Well played, Eskild.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Magnus goes put on his shoes and jacket. He looks at Issy’s closed door. He takes a deep breath, and allows himself one time. Exactly one.

Fucking bitch.

There. It’s over with. Magnus shoves his hat on his head, opens the apartment door and heads home. His worst insecurity, the one that Issy missed, is still gnawing at the back of his head.

What if he can’t help his friend after all? What if he fails Issy, and loses him, forever? Depression is a lethal illness. People die because of it every day. Magnus knows he is probably projecting his lifelong worry for his mother, but it doesn’t actually make the thought any easier. Issy could die. Mom could die. Despite Magnus and his best efforts, and that thought is making him feel almost unbearably small. He shrinks inside his jacket, pushes his hands deeper in his pockets and walks a bit faster.


	59. Chapter 59

It’s not easy to keep a positive attitude when you’re the only one supporting it. Even hasn’t seen Isak alone in a week now, but he still hasn’t given up hope. There will be other for nows, and he will get to kiss Isak again, and in the meantime he can enjoy Isak’s and Magnus’ company on a daily basis. Even doesn’t know how much Magnus knows, so he hasn’t made any moves towards Isak with him around, but it has been fun to flirt openly with both of them.

It’s still rather clear, that both Magnus and Isak are chronically sad. Even is too, perhaps, he isn’t sure anymore, his head is up in baby pink clouds more often than not. He is keeping the dream alive. He and Isak have a chance, a real chance, once Isak gets his head sorted out. Even can’t wait.

Yet, wait he must.

Even waits while Magnus is playing Fifa with Isak and losing on purpose just to make Isak celebrate his victory. Even waits while Isak slurps up the last pieces of noodles straight from the bowl and excuses himself, retreating into his room. Even waits while Isak is sitting by the kitchen table drinking coffee and staring at a book. Every time Even takes a look the bookmark is on the same page, day after day, and he feels a similar ache to one he feels when he is staring at a blank page on his notebook, a pencil in his hand, unable to draw a single line.

Isak has just put the book away and slumped back to his room. Even gets up from the couch - he is certain Isak knew he was there, watching him, and simply let him be, and Even is grateful for that - and goes to the kitchen. He takes the book from the window sill and checks the bookmark. It’s still on the same page. Even reads it again, in case he missed something last time, but if there is a secret message or hidden wisdom in these words, he can’t find it.

Even closes the book and brings it up to his face. He sniffs at it, with his eyes closed, and gives the front cover a little kiss. It has no cover papers and Even doesn’t recognise the title or the author, but whatever this book is about, it’s something Isak finds important to hold on to.

It’s getting dark outside. Even puts the book down, takes a glass of water and puts the empty glass in the sink. He checks the time. Magnus won’t be here for a bit over an hour. He goes to Isak’s door and places his palm against it. Isak probably wants to be left alone, to recharge before Magnus comes, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, right?

Even knocks.

“Isak?”

Isak comes to open the door. He looks at Even, and Even might be imagining it, but he looks sort of pleased to see him. Maybe.

“Hi”, Isak says. Even licks his lips slowly. His head has stopped working.

“Hi.”

That’s all they say to each other. Just hi. A friendly greeting, an acknowledgement,  _ I see you there. _ Then they don’t say anything at all. Even looks at Isak, who looks back at him, for what feels like minutes. Even cocks his head the slightest bit, Isak’s mouth almost cracks, they keep looking at each other’s lips.

The question is never made, or answered. It just happens. They let it happen. They let it rush over them, until they get washed out into the sea and all they can do is cling to each other so they don’t drown. Even wraps his arms around Isak, Isak pulls Even closer, and they kiss.

God, Even has missed kissing Isak. His mouth tastes so good. His body feels so good. Kissing him, being close to him like this, it feels wonderful. Even pushes Isak’s body backwards, gently, and Isak allows him to enter his room. Even closes and locks the door behind him. He is selfish, but he wants Isak all to himself now.

“Even”, Isak gasps into their kiss. Even hears him, but it doesn’t really register. His head is too full of Isak, his scent, his taste, his warmth. Isak isn’t resisting, he is kissing Even back with equal enthusiasm, and retreating towards his bed without letting his grip on Even slip one bit. That’s why Isak has to ask three more times before Even understands there is a question present.

“Mh?” Even manages to mutter, diving head first into another kiss immediately after. It’s a long one, long enough to leave them both gasping for air when it’s over. Even’s palm is resting on the side of Isak’s neck. He can feel Isak’s racing pulse.

“You can’t stay afterwards. We can do it but you have to go when we’re done.”

Even kind of stops listening in the middle of Isak’s sentence.  _ We can do it. _ Can they? Really, do it? Like, it-it? Even wants to ask, but he can’t. He doesn’t know how to speak anymore, all he can do is touch Isak, and nod. Yes, yes. He agrees to whatever it is Isak is saying. Unfortunately, Isak doesn’t think it’s enough.

“Do you want to?” Isak whispers. His fingertips brush at the edge of Even’s bottom lip. “Do you want to sleep with me?”

How on earth would the answer to that be anything but yes, a thousand times yes?

“Yes.”

“Do we have time?” Isak asks. Even has no idea. He tries to kiss Isak again, but Isak pulls back. “Even, check the time.”

Even stops, reluctantly, kissing Isak. He takes his phone out of his pocket and checks it.

“About half an hour.”

Isak kind of giggles, nervously.

“That’s not enough. I don’t want to get interrupted by Mags.”

“Should I tell him to not come today?”

Isak sighs.

“You can try. He never listens to me when I tell him to keep out.”

Even nods. He opens his messages and sends one to Magnus, telling him that he will take care of Isak tonight. Magnus responds immediately, and to Even’s surprise, he doesn’t argue at all. He just says he’ll be coming over tomorrow, and that’s it. Even shows the message to Isak, who frowns.

“Is that message from me?”

Even almost drops his phone in his hurry to pull it out of Isak’s sight. It’s too late, he knows it.

He is a fucking idiot.

Why hasn’t he changed the contact name? Probably because he doesn’t really see it anymore, he doesn’t really look at it ever, it’s just a string of letters that mean Magnus when in his phone. That crime feels much worse, really. He has dismissed Isak’s name.

“I can explain”, Even lies. He can’t explain, of course he can’t. Buying time is useless, because all the time in the world will not help him now.

“I can’t wait”, Isak says. His voice is several degrees colder now. It makes Even shiver.


	60. Chapter 60

Even pulls his legs against his chest and hugs them. He presses his forehead on his knees, too. He knows Isak is waiting, and that he should be explaining why he has Magnus’ number under Isak’s name in his phone, but it’s just so hard. He has no explanation that wouldn’t make him sound like an asshole.

There is a reason for that, Even.

“I’m sorry”, Even says quietly. “It doesn’t mean anything anymore, I just forgot to change it.”

“Why did you do it in the first place?”

Even shakes his head. He doesn’t want to say. But he has to, doesn’t he? He will have to confess and then take his punishment, and never be welcome in this room or this bed ever again, because he is an asshole.

“I was crazy?” Even tries. He knows it doesn’t cut it. It’s not enough. He is crazy, he is always crazy, and he will forever be crazy. It’s not an excuse, not for him. “I was hypomanic. I tend to not really think things through when I’m like that. I do them, before I have time to consider, and then it’s too late.”

Isak doesn’t say anything. He is waiting for Even to keep going. He probably wants to see the whole extent of this train wreck before making up his mind about it. Even curls up a bit tighter, and tells Isak the whole story. About his crush on Isak, and how he thought it wouldn’t hurt anyone if he just imagined a bit. How he understood, before finishing, how wrong it was. While he’s at it, he tells how Magnus found out, too, at the birthday party, and how Mags still wants to be his friend.

“Sounds like Mags.” Isak finally speaks. Even peeks at him from under his arm. “He must have been so hurt.”

“You should have seen his face”, Even whispers. It pains him. The memory. Magnus was so mad at him, and so devastated, and ashamed. Isak’s face actually reminds Even of him.

“I think I have”, Isak says. He rubs his eyes with his both hands. “Fuck. I was so horrible at him. All he wanted was to help me.”

“He had a crush on me, and I led him on and used him.”

Isak kind of chuckles.

“What, you think you can beat me in this race? Trust me, I have been shittier to Mags than you have.”

“I seriously doubt that.”

“I told to his face that he doesn’t have any real friends, only people he allows to use him.”

Even blinks, surprised. He unravels, too, he puts his feet down on the floor.

“Wow.”

Isak turns his head away in embarrassment.

“Yeah. I was so mean to him. I just wanted him to leave me alone and stop talking about doctors and shit. But it didn’t work. Magnus just sat there, and took the abuse, because he thought it was more important to get me help.”

“That sounds like Mags, alright.”

Isak nods. Then he sighs.

“We could all learn from him. About what’s really important.”

“Mm. We could”, Even agrees. He places his hand on the bed, closer to Isak. Isak puts his own hand on top of it.

“He’s just so. Open. Even to people who hurt him.”

“To people he cares about”, Even adds. He is pretty sure Mags wouldn’t let just anyone walk all over himself.

Isaks finger’s slip between Even’s. They keep looking at each other and looking away. This is difficult, for both of them, but maybe they can pull some strength from Mags.

“If you were Mags, what would you say?” Even asks. Isak laughs, barely.

“Shit. I don’t know. I guess uh. He would ask you if he can help you somehow, because he sees you are in pain.”

“I’m not -- well. I am. But it’s nothing new. What you see is shame.” Even should be ashamed. He is an asshole. Who is still allowed to hold Isak’s hand.

“That’s the worst pain”, Isak says. He turns towards Even and touches his cheek, turns his head. Even looks at him. “Don’t ask me how I know. I might try to be more like Mags, but I’m not there quite yet.”

Even nods. Being open to someone is hard. He understands.

“I really care about you”, Even says. It’s easier to confess when Isak is holding his hand, and his face. And his heart, but he can’t tell that just yet. Isak doesn’t want to hold it, he might drop it. He might say terrible things to him just to make him leave, and unlike Magnus, Even couldn’t take it.

“You do?” Isak asks. He doesn’t sound like he’s questioning Even. Maybe he just wants Even to say it again. That’s alright.

“Yes. I care about you, Isak. Deeply. It’s not just my illness talking, it’s real.”

Isak looks curious. Even said too much. It’s okay. He can do this. Mags will guide him.

“You’re not the first guy I fell for. There was one. Earlier. I was having an episode at the same time, and I couldn’t tell if my feelings for him were real or not. I still can’t tell if they were.” Even is speaking quietly, holding Isak’s hand tight in his. It’s difficult. Just thinking about Mikael hurts, after all this time. “With you, I know. This is real.”

Isak nods. He looks a bit shy all of a sudden.

“So, are you gay?”

“No”, Even says. Isak’s shyness is replaced with something even smaller. He looks lost. “I looked it up a while back, and I think I’m pansexual.”

“You like girls, too?” Isak’s whisper is barely more than a peep. Even doesn’t quite understand why.

“Yes. And boys. And others. I like people. Right now I like you. Not because of what you are, but because of who you are. I like you.”

Isak nods so little his chin barely moves.

“I’m gay”, Isak whispers. “It’s hard.”

So it seems. Isak looks like he’s about to face an execution party. He grabs Even’s hand tighter. What would Mags say?

“It was so scary. I had a close friend, and then I started to look at him differently, and I didn’t know why. Then I knew why, but I didn’t know if it was actually me. And then I tried to kiss him.” Even has to close his eyes for a moment. He can see Mikael’s face so clearly. The confusion. The horror. “It didn’t go well. I haven’t talked to him since. Or our mutual friends, either.”

“Do they know what happened?” Isak asks. Even has to shrug.

“I don’t know. No idea if he told them or not.”

“I told Jonas I used to be in love with him. He took it great. We’re closer than ever, and if I could remake a choice I would have told him sooner.”

Even looks at Isak, surprised. He didn’t expect Isak to share something that personal with him -- well, maybe ever.

Thank you, Magnus.

“It’s not the first stunt I’ve pulled with them. I’ve been the shittiest, flakiest friend ever. They must be really fucking tired of my crap.”

“What’s the worst they can do? Tell you to fuck off? Because that’s not all that different from where you are now, right?”

Even shakes his head. No. He can’t deal with the reality of actually losing them. Losing them in his head, with no confirmation in the real world, is bad enough.

“Okay”, Isak says. He strokes at the back of Even’s palm with his thumb. They are quiet for a bit, then Isak looks up at Even. “You’re bipolar. That means you’re depressed sometimes, too, right?”

“Not necessarily. It’s kind of like a spectrum. But yeah, I’m depressed sometimes.” That’s actually a huge underestimation. It doesn’t matter, the sentiment is the same. Depression, tick in the box.

“Magnus and Jonas think I’m depressed”, Isak sighs. “Mags is forcing me to see a doctor.”

Oh. Of course. Even should have understood what’s going on. Isak isn’t just grumpy and seclusive, he’s depressed.

“That -- that makes a lot of sense.”

Isak pouts. He isn’t happy to hear it, but he seems to understand.

“Fucking stupid.”

“Oh yes. It’s the worst. I hate seeing my doctor.” Even lets go of Isak’s hand, so he can wrap his arm around Isak’s shoulders. He pulls, gently, and Isak leans on him. Even touches his hair with his lips. “You’re doing a huge, difficult thing that’s ultimately good for you. Well done.”

Even can feel something relax in Isak’s upper back.

“Thank you.”


	61. Chapter 61

This day hasn’t come one bit too soon. Magnus is tired of waking up every morning with a band wrapped tightly around his chest, a band that doesn’t loosen its grip until Isak has responded to his first message of the day. Magnus isn’t sure why he is so scared now. Isak seems stable. Tired, yes, but stable, and he laughs and jokes and flirts with Even every night when Magnus is visiting, and those moments Magnus almost forgets Issy is sick.

Then his eyes catch the scar on Issy’s arm, or he sees a flash of darkness in Issy’s eyes, and he remembers the black, lightless anger he saw oozing out of Issy when Issy told him off. All that anger is still inside Isak, and Magnus knows at least some of it is directed at Isak himself.

Now it’s time to step towards the light. Magnus isn’t a fool. He doesn’t think today will solve anything. It’s the first step on a long, winding road. Issy will not become magically better after one doctor visit, or by taking some pills, but they will help. Magnus will help. Issy will do this, he is going to make it, and Magnus will make sure he will.

He keeps looking at Issy, like to make sure Issy is actually there. He made Issy sit on the window side just to make sure he will not escape from the tram too early. Magnus is pretty sure Issy figured out his plot, but it doesn’t matter. Maybe a part of Issy is relieved, that someone else is taking charge of this big, difficult thing. Magnus is more than happy to be in charge of this. Helping Issy. Possibly saving him.

Issy seems calm. He is playing with his phone, exchanging messages with someone whose messages make him smile very little but visibly. It’s good to see him smile, especially today. Magnus looks outside, to check their location.

“Two more stops”, he tells Issy. Issy nods, absentmindedly.

“Okay.”

“I’m so proud of you, Issy. This is a huge thing.”

Issy purses his lips. He takes a deep breath, and when he blows out, his shoulders drop.

“Isak”, Issy mumbles.

“Sorry?”

“My name is Isak. I’d like to be called Isak.” Issy - Isak - looks at Magnus from the corner of his eye, a bit shy. “It’s a long story, and I’m going to tell it one day.”

Magnus nods. Okay. Issy doesn’t want to be called Issy. Magnus has a hunch on why he has been going by Issy, but that will be saved for later.

“I’ll do my best to remember that, Isak. Thank you for telling me.”

Isak gives Magnus the tiniest, shyest smile. It feels warm, like a thousand candles.

“Thank you. For being -- well, you.”

Magnus blushes. Being him. It is hard work, at times, but it doesn’t feel like a chore. He likes being the way he is, even though it takes effort.

“You’re welcome, I guess.”

Isak touches his arm.

“No, Mags. I mean it. You have helped us so much just by being the way you are.”

Us. Issy - Isak! - said us. That feels even better. Magnus has helped Even, too. Of course he doesn’t know if Isak is talking about Even, but it’s really likely. Magnus almost misses their stop, lost in the moment. A part of him wonders if Isak timed his praise carefully, but that’s just the insecure part of him talking. Isak was sincere.

They get off the tram and start walking. It’s not a long walk, and they have time.

“I’m glad I have helped you”, Magnus says, but the moment has passed. Isak is lost in his phone again. He is closing up, and Magnus knows why. They are almost at the clinic now. Isak doesn’t want to go. He is still going. Magnus is so proud of him.

They make it all the way inside. Magnus waits a bit on the side while Isak lets the nurse’s office know he is here. They are asked to sit down and wait, and Magnus sits down next to Isak on the couch.

“I can watch your things while you’re in there”, he says. Isak nods. He pushes his backpack at Magnus’ feet. He keeps unlocking and closing his screen, without really looking at it in between.

“It’s going to be okay”, Magnus says. “Just be honest with them. They don’t want to judge you, they want to help you.”

Isak just shrugs. Then a door opens, and a doctor nods at them. Magnus has to give Isak a little nudge to make him stand up, but he does, and he follows the doctor in his office. And that’s it. That’s all Magnus can do, for now. He is going to take Isak to the pharmacy on the way home, and help him out with the instructions for the pills and such if needed, but other than that, it’s out of his hands now.

Magnus takes a deep breath. It flows more freely than it has in two weeks.

Another door opens. A girl in a nurse’s uniform backs out, talking to someone inside. Magnus recognises her voice. Her blonde hair, her lovely figure, and when she turns around and Magnus sees her face he knows for sure. It’s her. The girl from the party. She recognises him, too, and while her smile is a bit awkward, at least she smiles.

“Oh. Hi.”

Magnus smiles back at her.

“Hi.” He looks at the pin on her chest, but it just says TRAINEE. He still doesn’t know her name. They texted for a while, but that dried out pretty soon, and Magnus hasn’t had time to think about her all that much. But he has thought about her every now and then, and here she is now. “I’m here with a friend. He just went in.”

Somehow it feels important to let her know Magnus isn’t here for an appointment of his own. That he is, for whatever reason, a small miracle perhaps, not in need of psychiatric care himself. Judging by her smile getting significantly less awkward that was a good move. Man, she has a nice smile.

“That’s very kind of you. Many people that come here seem so lonely.” She pushes a stray strand of her hair behind her ear. It’s just a bit too short to stay in her ponytail.

“You never mentioned you’re a nurse”, Magnus says. He wants to keep her talking, just so he can look at her for a bit more. She is so pretty. She keep smiling at Magnus, even when she looks down at her uniform.

“Well, not yet. I’m just a trainee.”

“I bet you’re great at it.”

She blushes, but she looks pleased. She looks up at Magnus again.

“I like it. It’s rough, but I get to help people. To make them feel a bit better in times of need.”

“I love helping people, too.”

“I can tell. You’re here. With your friend.”

Why on Earth hasn’t Magnus held on to this girl tighter? She is the prettiest person Magnus has ever seen. Well. The prettiest girl. Her prettiness doesn’t photograph as well as it deserves. Her presence isn’t there in the pictures. That almost cheeky sparkle in her eyes.

“I have to wait for him to get out, and then I’ll take him home, but I should be free tomorrow night”, Magnus says. “I’m going to the arcade. Would you like to come with me? I’d love to win you a prize.”

Magnus is bolder than he usually would be, but he has been making out with this girl under the kitchen table. The ice has been broken in the past. She seems to think so too, or at least she is still smiling.

“The arcade? I didn’t know there is an arcade round here.”

“There is. It’s really cool”, Magnus says, knowing perfectly well an arcade is not actually a cool place. But he’s not a cool guy, either. He has other things going for him. Like his skills at the basketball game.

She laughs.

“If you say so. I’ll be off at five, and I’ll have to drop by at home after that. Send me the address of the arcade and I’ll meet you there at around six?”

Magnus is so happy he could do a backflip, if he could do a backflip. He nods, repeatedly, and can’t stop grinning even after she has left the ward. He can only hope he can get it under control by the time Isak returns.


	62. Chapter 62

Isak closes the door practically on Magnus’ grinning face. He did say he is sorry. Magnus probably understands. And he also is likely to barely notice Isak doing it, his head is obviously far up in the clouds. Isak is happy Magnus met the girl again, and that he has a date, because that also means he will be out of Isak’s hair.

Isak notices the apartment got silent the moment he stepped in. It’s too silent. Isak sighs, and walks into the kitchen. Eskild and Even are there, quiet as mice. They look up at Isak, surprised and sheepish, when he appears at the door. They probably expected Isak would go right into his room and lock the door. They were wrong. Isak brings the bag he got from the pharmacy and puts it on the table.

“These are my new meds”, Isak says. He is feeling surprisingly calm. He has finally lost it, and it’s sort of a relief. He isn’t going crazy, he is crazy. “I’d like you to go through the possible side effects with me, so you’ll know what to watch out for.”

Eskild and Even just nod, speechless. Isak did not expect to see Eskild speechless -- well, ever.

“I also need you to promise me you won’t take any of these for kicks. I need them.”

Now Eskild rolls his eyes.

“Isak, please. We’re not  _ that _ desperate.”

“Then it’s an easy promise. If it helps, I’m making the same promise. I’ll stick to the dose I’m prescribed.”

Eskild rolls his eyes again, but he promises to not touch Isak’s pills. Even does the same. He looks guiltier doing it than Eskild does. Isak pulls himself a chair and sits down.

“Okay. Now, it’s study time.”

They all read every pamphlet that’s in the boxes. Isak’s head is buzzing a bit after they’re done. So many side effects. Some of the bad. Some super bad. He knows a bottle of antibiotics have similar lists, everything from nausea to aneurysms. It’s still scary to be taking antipsychotics regularly.

“Well that’s depressing”, Eskild states. Then he glances at Isak. “Too soon?”

Isak feigns a smile.

“Idiot.” Isak looks at Even. “Could we go to my room for a bit?”

Even nods, quickly. He stands up so fast he almost knocks his chair over. Isak follows suite, only slower. He gathers the meds in the bag and takes it with him. Isak knows Eskild is watching closely. It doesn’t matter. He just wants to talk with Even, in private.

“Please put your earphones on, Eskild”, Isak says from his door. Eskild groans, but agrees to, and that’s all Isak can do. He can only trust Eskild will be a man of his word. He has no reason to doubt that. He closes the door, and is finally alone with Even.

Isak sits down on the edge of his bed. Even comes beside him. Suddenly Isak is feeling super self conscious, and shy, and awkward. There is no reason for that. It’s just Even. It’s just him.

“How was it?” Even asks. Isak shrugs.

“Hated every second of it. But I did my best to be honest, and they think there’s hope for me.” Isak chuckles, darkly, shaking his head. “That’s a weird concept. Hope. I never noticed losing it, but I have.”

“That’s how it happens”, Even says. He is speaking softly. Quietly. “One day you just notice you’ve lost hope. Those are hard days. Lonely days.”

Isak nods. It feels good to have someone who understands. Even sees him. Even gets him. Even lets him be, and that feels so, so important now.

“I’m scared. What if the meds won’t work?”

“They might not”, Even says. Isak didn’t expect to hear that. He thought Even would reassure him that they’d work, if Isak just keeps taking them like a good boy. “If they don’t, they’ll try something else. There are a lot of pills, and a lot of combos, and it’s very likely at least one will work. It could take time, though. We have time.”

It both comforts and frightens Isak that Even says  _ we. _ Especially since Even is wrong.

“I might not”, Isak confesses. “I’m feeling better, but I still keep blacking out. It keeps getting worse. I go in deeper. What if one day I can’t find my way back out anymore?”

Even looks worried. It’s not good. It means Even cares. The thought of Even caring feels too good. Isak can’t be careless with him, it’s not right. He has to tell Even the truth, so Even can finally understand why Isak can’t be with him.

“What if Issy won’t leave next time?”

Now Even looks confused. Isak can’t blame him. This is confusing.

“Issy really wants to pin you down on this bed and make you forget your name”, Isak says. He places his hand on Even’s thigh. It feels so good. Like all of Even does. “I’m not going to let him do that. I have that power now, I can feel it, but any moment I can black out and Issy will be there. He will show me how it would go, I will see it in my head, and feel it, and it’s so real -- but it’s not. The doctor didn’t have a proper name for it, but he considered dissociation.”

The more Isak speaks, the lighter he is feeling. Emptier. He thought he felt empty and drained when he left the doctor’s office, but apparently he still has some weight to shed. He looks at Even from under his brow, timidly. Even doesn’t seem to be scared, or put off.

“It’s not like another persona, then?”

Isak shakes his head.

“No. Issy doesn’t take over or anything. He is me. I am him. It’s my daydream, and I get lost in it myself.” Isak sighs, fidgeting his fingers. He twists the joints harder than he should. “I have issues. With being gay. Issy doesn’t.”

“Oh”, Even says. That one syllable can hold so much, and Isak can’t make out what it is carrying this time. Is Even disappointed? Is he angry? Hurt? Isak can’t look up to find out, he is too scared to. Even scares him, and it’s so weird, because at the same time he feels like he can trust Even with anything.

Even puts his hand on Isak’s.

“Please stop”, Even says quietly. Isak notices how hard he was twisting only now when he stops. The pain didn’t register until it was over.

Now that Isak thinks of it, his heart is going through something similar.


	63. Chapter 63

Even probably shouldn’t be feeling like this. This emotional response is the opposite of everything he is supposed to feel in this situation. Isak is telling him he is -- he is crazy. That’s the only way to put it, really. Isak is crazy, in the scary, lunatic, mad way. Hearing sounds and seeing people kind of crazy, and on top of that a proper homophobe.

Even should not be falling in love with him.

Then again, it’s kind of too late now.

Isak’s hands feel cool to Even’s touch. His joints feel a bit swollen. He has picked his cuticles to shreds. Even takes Isak’s hand in his and lifts it up to look at it closer. It looks beaten and battered. The skin is a bit dry. Even unfolds Isak’s fingers gently and kisses the tip of each one.

“You have been hurting yourself”, Even says. He speaks softly. He is talking to Isak’s abused hand. It’s easier. “I wish you didn’t have to.”

Isak doesn’t pull his hand away.

“Do you? Have to.”

Even bites his lip for a second. He really, really wants to tell Isak that yes, he has been hurting himself, just to have something to share with Isak. He shakes his head.

“I’m sorry. I’d love to tell you I have, but I haven’t done it in a while now. I didn’t even do anything on Magnus’ birthday.”

Isak chuckles. He wraps his fingers around Even’s hand.

“Shit, that’s just. Absurd. You’re really apologizing for not hurting yourself, and the weirdest bit is that it kind of makes sense.”

Even makes a tiny little nod. It does make sense. And it is weird.

“It’s okay”, Isak says, and gives Even’s hand a squeeze. “I’m glad you don’t have to do it. It’s not -- it’s not really working. It takes the edge off, but not for long.”

“Now you have something else to take the edge off”, Even says. “You can take a benzo. They work.”

Isak shrugs. He lets go of Even’s hand and falls on his back on the bed. Fuck, Even wants to join him, so much, but Isak doesn’t want to provoke Issy, and Even should respect that. He still doesn’t quite understand who Issy is and how he works, but he probably should not make any moves on Isak.

“I don’t know. What if I get addicted to them? I don’t want to become a junkie.”

Even almost laughs at Isak. He would, if this wasn’t so unfunny.

“Like with all medicine, it’s a balance between cost and benefit. The risk of addiction, versus not being able to breathe if you’re not bleeding.” Even does his best to remain calm. It’s a sore spot for him. “There was a time I needed a benzo every day, just to get by, and my doctor stopped prescribing them for me. He was reluctant to give them to me in the first place, and I haven’t got any since.”

Isak shifts his legs slowly.

“But if you. If you had to take one every day, weren’t you then addicted?” Isak asks. Even sighs.

“It’s not that simple. I have to take all my meds every day. In a way, I am addicted to them, but without them I wouldn’t be here.”

Isak doesn’t say anything for a moment. Even can almost hear him thinking.

“Not many things are simple, are they?” Isak half whispers. Even lies down next to him. Sorry, Isak, Even needs to see you right now.

“Not really, no. Life is complicated. People are complicated. Some things just seem or feel simple.” Even raises his hand on Isak’s cheek. Isak allows it. “Like this thing we have. I like you. You like me. I want us to be together, but you can’t. A simple thing, yet so complicated.”

Isak nods. His cheek moves against Even’s palm. Then his lips brush against the inside of Even’s wrist.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I understand.”

Isak nods again, his eyes closed. He grabs Even’s arm lightly. To Even’s surprise, he seems to do it to keep Even’s hand still, not to pull it away.

“Thank you”, Isak whispers. He opens his eyes and looks at Even. “You make me feel seen. You make me feel validated. I’m insane, I’m breaking up in pieces, but with you that’s somehow okay.”

That is pretty much the greatest compliment Isak could give Even right now. Apart from telling him that he wants to try after all.

“It is okay. You can be broken. It won’t last forever, I promise.”

Isak draws a shallow, shaky breath. His eyes are glistening.

“Fuck, are you going to make me cry?”

Even shakes his head.

“Of course not. But it’s okay to cry, too.”

Isak sniffles. Even strokes at his cheek with his thumb. It’s okay, Isak. It’s okay to feel bad.

“Kiss me”, Isak whispers. Even’s heart explodes into a cloud of confetti. He wants nothing more in this world than to kiss Isak.

“Do you want me to kiss you so you can get distracted from how bad you’re feeling?”

Isak shakes his head.

“I don’t want to use you like that. I want you to kiss me. Just kiss me.”

Even strokes Isak’s cheek again. He lets his thumb travel down to the corner of Isak’s mouth. He touches Isak’s lower lip gently, and smiles. Just a little bit.

“No.”

Isak looks disappointed and confused. Even can absolutely relate.

“You kiss me.”

Isak goes serious. Even doesn’t. He’s sorry, but he can’t stop smiling at least a little bit when he is this close to Isak, touching his beautiful face, and thinking about kissing him. Impossible.

“I really want to”, Isak confesses. Even nods, to encourage him.

“Go ahead. I would love it.”

It’s not like they haven’t kissed before. Or is it? Has Isak kissed him? Has Even been the one kissing Isak, every time? Has Issy kissed him? Even has no idea. He does know that if Isak kisses him now, it will be him. It will be Isak.

“It’s okay”, Even says. “You can kiss me.”

Isak blinks. His eyes are shiny again.

“What if I can’t?”

“That’s okay, too. I would love to kiss you, but if you can’t, I won’t.”

Isak hesitates. He scoots a bit closer to Even. Even closes his eyes, cracks his lips slightly and waits.


	64. Chapter 64

Isak is kissing Even.

This isn’t the first time he has done so. Yet, it feels more significant than any time before. It feels so important that Isak almost didn’t do it, but Even’s lips, with that faintest little smile on them, were too irresistible. Isak had to give them a little taste, and here they are now, kissing. It feels so good. It feels too good.

Why does it feel so good? Is it because Even is a guy? Issy loves kissing guys. Does Isak love it, too?

Isak turns his head away from the kiss, gasping for air. Even’s hand on his ribs feels super good, too, but Isak squirms away from it. Even opens his eyes, and hums in a wordless question. Isak doesn’t know what to answer.

“I -- I’ll be right back”, he says, and scurries out of bed and to his door. “Hold that thought. Please.”

Even looks super confused, but stays on the bed. Isak sneaks out of his room and, while alone, takes a couple of deep breaths. Whoa, boy. Easy now. It’s okay. It’s fine. It’s for science.

Eskild opens his door right after Isak knocks on it. His earphones are hanging around his neck, so he at least went through the trouble to look like he hasn’t been eavesdropping.

“Can we kiss?” Isak blurts out, before he has time to change his mind. Eskild has never looked this confused.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“You kiss guys, right? And you kiss them well, I’ve heard. Show me.”

“Uh, ew? I’m not kissing my baby gay, that’s like incest!”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“I’m not  _ your _ baby gay. Or anyone’s. I know it’s weird, but it’s important.”

“Why don’t you ask Even to kiss you? I’m sure he’d like to.”

Isak blushes. Eskild has seen it? Of course he has, Isak can practically feel Even’s eyes on him whenever they are in the same space, and Eskild must have noticed something is going on.

“Eskild, please. It’s just one kiss. It really is important.”

“Why?” Eskild asks. Isak makes a face. He does not want to say, it sound stupid in his head and would sound even more stupid if he says it out loud. “Tell me why, and I’ll consider. Otherwise, no deal.”

“It’s nothing personal. You’re just a guy who kisses guys, so you will do.”

Eskild laughs.

“Great. You sure do make a boy want to kiss you, smooth talker.”

“Look, I’m on a schedule here. Will you help me or not?”

“I’ll pass, thanks. Nothing personal.”

Isak groans. Fine. He gives Eskild one of his best glare-and-eye-roll combos and stomps into the bathroom. He hears Eskild close his door, muttering something to himself. Fuck. That did not go well. It didn’t go worse than planned only because there really wasn’t a plan to begin with. Isak can only hope Eskild won’t ask about this exchange later.

Now he needs a reason to have left his room. Also something he might have liked to plan beforehand. Isak looks around and sees Eskild’s toiletry bag on the washing machine. He peeks inside, and yes, he finds condoms. He takes two and slips them in his hoodie’s pocket.

Isak returns to his own room and sees Even is sitting on the bed. He can also see Even’s face. Oh, fuck.

“You heard us”, Isak says. Even nods. He looks puzzled, but calm.

“I did.”

“It’s not -- it’s not personal”, Isak says. “I just wanted to kiss a guy.”

“You were kissing a guy, and then decided you want to kiss another one?”

“Simply put, yes. But it’s not simple.” Isak sighs, and slumps to his bed. He curls up on his side, his face behind Even’s back. At least Even won’t be able to see him now. “I wanted to see if it would feel as good. Issy loves kissing guys, any guy at all, he’s such a fucking slut, and I don’t know if I am one too.”

“Well, simply put, yes. Because Issy is you. You are Issy.” Even pauses just long enough for his words to hit Isak. They push the air out of his lungs. Even thinks he’s a slut. He is right. “But it’s not simple.”

“I’m sorry”, Isak peeps. “I really wasn’t thinking. I panicked.”

Even places his hand on Isak’s knee. Isak can immediately breathe easier. Calmer.

“I get it. It was weird and hurtful, but I see where you were coming from. It’s okay.”

“This is why I can’t be with you”, Isak sighs. “I’ll just fuck it up. I always fuck everything up.”

“Isak. You don’t have to be perfect. You’re allowed to fuck up.”

“I don’t want to fuck up in ways that hurt you.”

“Oh, Isak”, Even says softly. “You’re bound to. I’m not a magical exception to the rules. But I can promise you I will survive it.”

Even turns around and lies down on the bed, facing Isak. Isak rolls quickly over. He can’t handle looking at Even right now. Even isn’t giving up, though, he simply drapes his body against Isak’s, becoming the big spoon. As Even wraps his arm over Isak’s chest, Isak takes his hand between his hands.

“You can’t promise that. You don’t know how badly I can hurt people.”

“Mags was able to even forgive you”, Even reminds Isak. That doesn’t really help.

“I can’t believe you’d want to be with someone who said things like that to Mags.”

Even buries his nose into Isak’s hair. It kind of tickles, in a very good way.

“I’m pretty sure you can’t come up with anything to say to me that I haven’t already told myself a hundred times. Most of the time I don’t really think all that highly of myself.”

Isak just hums. He knows what Even is talking about. He knows he could tell Even he’s wrong, and it wouldn’t help. Then it occurs to him, that him not telling Even that he’s wrong would definitely not help, either.

“Those things aren’t true”, Isak whispers. Even sighs.

“They are. That’s not the point, or the issue. They are true.”

“But they’re not the whole truth. You are wonderful. You’re so good to me.”

“Being good to you is easy”, Even says, and kisses the back of Isak’s neck. “You should try it sometimes.”

“I am trying. I went to see a doctor. I’m starting my medication tonight.”

“And I’m proud of you for that.”

Isak brings Even’s hand to his lips and kisses it.

“Thank you.”

Even brushes at Isak’s lips with his fingertips. Isak feels a warm thud of desire in the bottom of his belly.

“I’m not trying to distract us”, Even hums. “I just really want to touch you. Is that okay?”

Isak closes his eyes and turns towards Even. He can’t make it all the way on his back, there isn’t enough room, but he can deliver the sentiment.

“Yes”, he gasps. “Please.”

Even draws the outline of Isak’s lips. Then his fingers slide on Isak’s cheek and guide his face, so that Even can reach Isak’s mouth with his. Isak’s whole body is bent and twisted awkwardly, but it’s okay. He can feel something harden against his ass, and that makes him shiver with pleasure and anticipation. It has been a while. He can taste in the kiss how much Even wants him. It’s so hot.

“Fuck”, Isak mumbles, and struggles his way around so he can grab Even and pull him close, into a deeper kiss. Even arrives, eagerly. He pushes his hand under Isak’s shirt, on his hungry skin, and every touch makes Isak almost moan out loud. He slips his leg between Even’s legs. It makes Even almost moan, too.

Isak kisses him again. And again. He can try to imagine what kissing Eskild would feel like, and right now he is certain it would not feel like this. He would not want Eskild this way. Or anyone else, either. Issy would, but Isak? He would not. He would not be shaking like this in anyone else’s arms. He would not be this thirsty for anyone else’s kisses. He would not need to touch anyone else this much.

God, he needs to touch Even.

Isak pulls Even’s shirt off and drops it on the floor by the bed. He pushes his palms against Even’s skin. It makes Even gasp. Everything they do to each other makes them gasp, or moan, or shake, and it’s sweet torture to not just shove a hand into pants and go for it. Instead, Isak runs his hands along every inch of Even’s skin, his chest, his ribs, his back, even his arms.

“Isak”, Even whimpers as Isak is kissing the side of his neck. “Wait. Wait.”

Isak doesn’t want to. He has to. Even wants him to wait, and he should, he must. Isak stops kissing him and pulls back, just a bit, trying to catch his breath. The ache between his legs is getting unbearable, but he has to wait.

“What is it?”

“I won’t leave”, Even says. Isak doesn’t understand. He doesn’t want Even to leave, he wants Even to have sex with him. Probably more than once.

“Huh?”

“I mean, after.” Even touches Isak’s cheek. Isak can barely control himself and not kiss his hand. ”I won’t leave this bed tonight. If you can’t do it without me having to leave, we should stop now.”

Isak blinks, trying to clear his head. It’s hard. Even is so close to him.

“You will have to leave at some point”, Isak manages to say. “You can spend the night, but you can’t spend forever.”

They are quiet. The offer is on the table, and they are considering if they would take it or not. Isak would love to be able to tell Even to stay, stay for good, but he can’t. It wouldn’t be right. Even deserves everything, and Isak can’t give him that. It’s too much.

“Okay”, Even finally says. “I’ll stay for the night.”

Isak is so relieved he almost laughs out loud.

“And we can still do it?”

Even grins, right against Isak’s lips.


	65. Chapter 65

Even can’t stop kissing Isak. Now that he finally has the chance to kiss him without a deadline. He can spend the night, and he is planning to spend most of it kissing Isak. Even slips his hands under Isak’s hoodie. His fingers stroll along the smooth, warm skin, delighted by how much it shivers because of the touches. Isak is like wax, melting in Even’s hands.

“Fuck”, Isak sighs in the kiss, when Even’s hand passes that one sensitive spot just below Isak’s ribs. Even found it by accident, and he has taken advantage of that information many times. This is the first time the effect is this powerful, though. Even has to barely touch the right place, and Isak is reduced into a hungry moan.

Coincidentally, Isak’s pleasure is extremely, insanely hot to Even. He kisses Isak harder. He is pushing all his passion at Isak, drowning him into it, and Isak is accepting every last bit of it, amplifying it, their bodies are resonating in perfect harmony. Even runs his tongue along Isak’s bottom lip in quick little flicks. It makes Isak moan again.

“I want you so much”, Isak says, and hearing it is wonderful. Isak wants him. Isak lets himself want him, another guy, he is surrendering to this pleasure without escaping into someone else. It’s beautiful.

“I want you”, Even mumbles, somewhere between Isak’s lips and the side of his neck. He wants Isak so desperately. The need is throbbing in his groin, and bubbling under his skin, in a rolling boil. Only Isak’s touches can soothe the ache Even is feeling. Even needs more of them.

Isak pulls his arms up over his head to help Even get rid of his hoodie. Even shoves the shirt somewhere between Isak and the wall, in his hurry to press his bare chest against Isak’s. It feels exactly as good as Even thought it would. Isak’s nipples are rock hard. Even can feel them brush against his skin. He kisses Isak again.

The kiss stumbles a bit when Isak moves his leg forward. His thigh gets pressed against Even’s dick, making them both feel how hard it is. So hard. Even doesn’t remember being this turned on ever in his life before. It’s almost scary, and at the same time it’s not, because he is with Isak.

Even can feel it. This is it. This is going to be the first time they’ll go all the way. Even is about to have his first time with a boy, and he can’t be happier that the boy is Isak. Beautiful, broken Isak. Even can’t help it, he finds Isak’s issues kind of attractive. He has always wanted to save someone. He never thought he would get to. He thought he would be the one being rescued, for the rest of his life.

“Fuck”, Isak whimpers when Even bites on his bottom lip gently. “Get naked. Now.”

Even chuckles at the urgency in Isak’s voice. As if his own situation isn’t just as bad. He needs Isak naked, immediately, thank you. Even rolls over on his back to unbutton his jeans. He squirms out of them, cursing himself for choosing jeans instead of slacks. Isak just slips out of his pants and hurries to help Even out. That puts him on his knees at Even’s feet, and from there, between Even’s now naked legs. Even looks up at him. He reaches his hand over Isak’s thigh and grabs it, gently but firmly.

“You’re so beautiful”, Even tells Isak. Isak shakes his head.

“You’re more beautiful. You’re the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I could just look at you all night.”

“You can look all you want, but please, for the love of everything holy, touch me while you’re at it”, Even whines. Isak smiles at him. It feels almost like a touch. There is a wicked glint in his eyes, and he grabs Even’s foot.

“Better?” Isak asks. Even shakes his head, pouting.

“No.”

Isak slides his hand forward, around Even’s ankle. He cocks his head.

“How about now?”

“No”, Even complains. Isak is teasing him, and it’s not fair. But it is fun. Isak looks like he’s enjoying himself, and that is just the best.

Isak keeps torturing him. He inches his hand up, along Even’s leg - why does he have to have such long legs?! - and past his knee. When he reaches Even’s thigh, he starts advancing even slower. Even is squirming on the bed, going crazy with need.

“Are you going to make me beg?” Even gasps. Isak hums.

“Oh, you already are begging. Your whole body is begging, I can see it.” Isak looks at Even’s face, then lowers his gaze to Even’s dick. Even blushes. He’s aware he is practically poking himself in the belly.

“It’s your fault”, Even complains. Isak grins. He looks really pleased with himself. He should. Even is shaking, and as Isak pushes himself up along Even’s body the friction of his skin makes Even let out a loud moan of pleasure.

“Hi”, Isak whispers, right above Even’s face. He pushes his fingers in Even’s hair and twirls the strands around.

“Hi”, Even answers. He is still shaking. He wraps his arms around Isak and clings to him. Isak’s hard dick digs into his hip and it feels so great. Isak seems to think so, too. He moves his own hips a bit, his eyes half closed.

“Fuck”, Isak sighs, and kisses Even. Even returns the kiss eagerly. It feels so good to want something like this. He wants Isak, so much. Isak keeps teasing him, licking his lips and nibbling at them and pulling away, and after a while Even decides it’s enough. Isak makes a delighted little shriek when Even flips them over and pins Isak down under him.

“That’s better”, Even hums, and leans down to kiss the side of Isak's neck. He touches at the spot below Isak’s ribs too, and gets the exact response he was hoping for. Isak turns his head to the side and whimpers. He claws at Even’s shoulder blades like a kitten. It doesn’t hurt at all. It feels good. So good. Even closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, breathing in Isak’s skin.

It doesn’t take long for Isak to become more frantic with the clawing and squirming. His whimpers and moans get more demanding. Even kisses his mouth and his neck over and over again, and after each kiss Isak’s breath is getting shorter.

“Please”, Isak begs, in his turn. He can’t form his request into words, all he can get out is  _ please. _ A repeated, half gasped word, that leaves his mouth open after each time he speaks it.

Even raises himself a bit and slips his hand between their bodies. He presses Isak’s dick against his abs and rubs it with his palm. Isak stops moving, other than his heaving breath and gasping lips, and clings tighter to Even. Even keeps looking at Isak, watching his face closely, as he is chasing his climax.

“Yes! Fuck! Yes, yes, yes”, Isak moans, and then he comes. Even has never seen anything more beautiful than Isak in his moment of release. Then he sees Isak’s face right after that moment, and it’s even more beautiful. Isak looks at him, his face alight with a soft glow, and Even knows. This will be forever.


	66. Chapter 66

Isak could cry with frustration if it wouldn’t be so pathetic. He is so angry at his body right now. All he wants, all he could ever want, is right here, and his body is refusing it. It’s not letting Even in. Isak can feel the tip of Even’s dick press against his ass, and it feels good, he wants it so much, he spreads his legs a bit further.

“Yeah, this is not happening”, Even says. He tries to pull away, but Isak wraps his legs around him to keep him close.

“Just shove it in there”, Isak protests. He is not letting his stupid body ruin tonight for him. He needs this. He needs Even, inside him, now. Even places his hand on Isak’s thigh.

“I will not hurt you”, Even says, firmly. He is not going to negotiate on this. Isak clenches the sheets in his fists. He lets Even go, and Even sits back on his heels.

“Maybe if we try it from behind?” Isak suggests. He tries to throw his leg over Even, but Even catches it and puts it down.

“Isak, it’s okay.”

“It’s not! I need you!” Isak blinks rapidly. Don’t cry. Don’t you fucking dare. “Maybe if you finger me some more --”

“I can finger you all night if that feels good to you, but I’m not going to fuck you. And that’s okay. I just want to be with you. To give you pleasure. I fucking love your pleasure.”

Isak clenches his fists tighter. He is ruining everything. He has no idea what’s happening. It’s not even his first time. Even did everything right. Isak’s thighs shake at the memory of Even’s long fingers inside him, stretching him, helping him relax.

Isak closes his eyes. This is too much. The disappointment is too big. He can’t handle it alone. He needs help. He looks up at Even and licks his lips slowly, and smiles.

“Come on, daddy. Give it to me.”

Isak can hear his own voice, and how grotesque it sounds, speaking those words. It’s so unsexy. The words are laced in blind terror, and hearing them makes Isak feel ashamed and alone. So, so alone. Issy failed him. At the worst possible moment, which seems to just be getting worse as it passes. Isak covers his mouth with his palm and rolls over on his side.

Even doesn’t say anything. He lies down beside Isak. Close, but not touching. Isak can feel his warmth, and he longs for it, but he can’t move. He doesn’t want to touch Even right now, and yet it’s all he wants.

“I’m sorry”, Isak whispers, after a forever of silence. “I do want you. I want you to fuck me. I don’t know what happened.”

“Whatever it is, I’m not mad at you. I’m not disappointed. I would have loved to fuck you, but it’s okay that I can’t.” Even is speaking softly, so softly, and it feels wrong. Isak doesn’t deserve it. He draws in a long, shaky breath.

“I can blow you. I just need a minute.”

Even makes a little sound. Some sort of a chortle.

“Shit. Sorry. I’m not laughing at you, it’s just -- you should take no for an answer, Isak. I really am fine. You’re not. And that matters to me.”

Isak doesn’t know how to react to Even’s words. He is not fine, that much is obvious. But does it really matter to Even? Does Isak want it to matter? He does, but at the same time, it’s scary. If he matters to Even, isn’t he somewhat responsible of Even, as well?

Isak can’t handle responsibilities.

“But you got me off”, Isak mumbles. Even touches his shoulder.

“I’m more than happy to do that any time.”

“Mm.” Isak sighs. He curls up a bit tighter. That pushes his back closer to Even. Their skins are touching again, and it feels comforting. The contact encourages Even to wrap his arm around Isak and pull him closer. His lips brush against the back of Isak’s neck.

“I’m still going to spend the night in this bed”, Even says. “That can include exactly as many orgasms as you want it to.”

Isak giggles.

“Idiot! I’m trying to have a crisis here.” It’s just difficult, when Even is so. Lovely. His presence is calming Isak down. When Even holds him like this, Isak can almost believe everything is - or is going to be - okay. He can breathe easier. He can calm down.

“Sorry”, Even says, and kisses his shoulder. “I can’t help it. I’ve been one all my life.”

Isak sighs and wiggles himself around. He can feel Even’s condom against his thigh. It doesn’t push him into a panic, surprisingly. It just makes him feel sad.

“You’re still wearing the condom”, Isak mumbles. Even blinks, confused, and looks down. He can’t see anything because Isak’s body is in the way.

“Oh. Right. Hang on.” Even pulls away from Isak and takes the condom off. He looks a bit lost, holding it in his hand. Isak just shrugs.

“Toss it on the floor. It’s clean.”

“It’s covered in lube.”

“Nothing my floor hasn’t handled before.”

Now Even giggles.

“You’re disgusting!”

“Guilty as charged.” Isak smiles. It’s incredible, how quickly his mood changes around Even. How it keeps getting flipped for the better, just like that. Even gets up from the bed, offering Isak an excellent view of his amazing body. He takes the condom to the trash and returns to his place on Isak’s side. Isak swallows at the thought, that Even’s place could be beside him. Isak bites his bottom lip and looks at Even. Those eyes are so blue.

“I really don’t know why I couldn’t. You made me feel so good. I want you so much.”

Even places his hand on Isak’s cheek and strokes the corner of his mouth with his thumb.

“I want you, too. We can try it the other way round a bit later, if you want to.”

Isak blushes so intensely his cheek must burn Even’s hand. He has never even considered doing it that way, but now that Even says it - it’s definitely on the table. Desire makes Isak’s stomach curl up into a knot.

“I’m not sure if I can get hard anymore”, Isak mumbles. Even just nods.

“We have time. I’ll be around. I live here.”

Isak presses his forehead against Even’s.

“Fuck. This is just so. I don’t even know. You make me feel too much, I’m not used to that.”

“What do I make you feel?” Even asks. Isak can hear the held back hope in his voice. He should not feed that hope.

“Scared”, Isak whispers. “I’m not scared of you, but I’m scared of everything else. Does that make sense?”

“It does. Perfect sense.” Even strokes Isak’s hair. It feels good. Comforting. “Is there anything I can do to help you not be scared?”

Isak shakes his head. And then he changes his mind, and nods.

“This is helping. I could use a blanket, though?”

Even hums softly and reaches for the blanket. He pulls it over them both, enveloping them in warmth. It feels so safe.


	67. Chapter 67

Even is so happy. Isak still hasn’t agreed to be his boyfriend, but he has basically nightly access to Isak’s room and his bed, and they spend more time talking and being together than having sex. Barely, it’s a pretty solid balance, but if you count sleeping in the same bed as being together, it’s a clear winner. Even is also spending more time with Isak than he is spending alone. That’s good, when you’re madly in love.

Even has reached the point where he doesn’t love Isak despite his more unattractive features, but because of them. They make Isak who he is. The grumpy, irritable, stubborn, sometimes downright malicious guy, who is at the same time capable of such gentleness and vulnerability that Even can barely comprehend it. The way Isak looks at him right before he falls asleep - he sleeps now, thank you, modern medicine - is something worth staying up half the night for. It keeps Even warm until morning.

Well. Mid-afternoon. It might be, that their sleeping schedule has been getting kind of wonky in these past weeks. The growing darkness of November didn’t exactly make it harder. No matter what time of the day you looked out the window, it was dark. It didn’t matter when you were awake, or which day of the week it was, and suddenly it was December.

They don’t usually bother with turning on the ceiling light, just the small one on Isak’s night stand, which they can reach without getting out of the bed. Other things Even can reach without getting out of the bed: his phone and charger, lube, Isak. All the essentials, really. If there wasn’t a risk of them getting their pills mixed up, Even could haul his meds in here as well and basically never leave this bed ever again.

Okay, they do have to eat. And do things, too. Magnus drags them out of the house at least three times a week, and Even knows that’s a good thing. Magnus is good company, and a great friend, and their outings have given Even a chance to spoil Isak with some wining and dining. Or a small gift. Last time they were out Even bought Isak new AirPods to replace the ones he had lost. Isak was so happy to get them. His eyes were full of stars. Even loves to see a happy Isak.

Even loves the idea of making Isak happy. He doesn’t even harbour a hope of Isak getting used to the happiness and wanting to keep it coming for the rest of his life, thus choosing Even after all. Even just wants to see those stars. It’s all for him. Selfish pleasure.

The mail that slips through the hatch and falls on the floor snaps Even out of his daydreams. He has been waiting for it, and he jumps to snatch the letters before anyone else notices them. Nothing much there to be seen. Some coupons for a pizza place. Eskild gets an ad for a personal loan, which Even folds up and slips into his pocket without really thinking about it. Two letters for him. One from his credit company and another one from a debt collection agency. Even takes them with him to the bathroom, tears them to tiny little pieces without opening the envelopes and buries the pieces in the trash can. He forgets all about them the second he closes the lid.

Even pulls his phone out of his pocket and sits down on the toilet seat’s lid. The envelope in his pocket crinkles. Even pulls it out and turns it over. Up to 50 000 kroner, no deposit needed. It can’t be a coincidence that this came in the mail today, when Even was keeping watch. The fact that he has been keeping watch daily for two weeks is irrelevant. Sometimes you have to give fate a hand.

Even tears the envelope open and glances through the info. He can apply for the loan online. That’s easy. Even opens the website with his phone and fills in his info. They promise to let him know immediately, and pay him within the hour if the loan is admitted to him. Hooray for modern times!

_ Declined. _

That’s a nasty word. It’s so polite and yet so dismissive. Even has been declined, by a faceless AI, just as if he’s worthless. He’s not worthless. He’s just in a bit of a tough spot, temporarily. Something will come up soon. He will find work. He’ll simply need something to help him make it until his first paycheck.

Even reads the paperwork again, more carefully this time. His attention is drawn to a certain detail on the top right corner of the page. It has Eskild’s name on it, and -- a customer ID number. Eskild is already, or has been, their customer. That will make things much more simple. Even licks his lips quickly, enters Eskild’s e-mail address in the system and tries the password Eskild usually has for everything.

He’s in.

His heart is racing like mad. Other than that, he is feeling calm. Razor sharp. He opens the profile information and pokes around for a bit. It appears Eskild has had a loan from these people a couple of years back, and he has paid it in full. So, it’s doable. If Eskild can pay them back, so can Even. They’re just not giving him a chance, and Even is going to show them. He’s going to stick it to the man.

Changing the bank account data is simple enough. Even saves the changes, and then pulls up the application form. He doesn’t really need 50 000, but he might just as well get as much as he can. It might take time to find a job, and Christmas is coming up, and he is going to - hopefully - have a boyfriend to buy presents for this year.

It goes through. Thank you, Eskild, for being responsible enough to pay your debt as agreed. Even promises to himself, to Eskild’s spirit and to the universe, that he will be just as responsible. Eskild will never know this ever happened.

Even tears the ad and hides it in the trash. He signs out of the site and closes the tab. He checks his banking app, and yes, he is rich. It feels great. It feels like he’s worth something. He can buy things, like normal people. He can spoil Isak, he can bathe in starlight, and he can keep being happy forever. Things are finally looking up again. Even puts his phone in his pocket and returns to Isak’s room, quiet as a mouse. Isak is still asleep. Even crawls in bed beside him, snuggles up comfortably and waits. He’s going to make Isak so happy.


	68. Chapter 68

Isak shouldn’t be here. There is no reason for it. He is a free man. He has the right to his body and to decide who can touch it, and in what way. He gets to decide if someone else than Even gets to touch him. That’s his business. Nobody else’s. Well, of course the one who is touching him is included in the business, but other than that? Nope.

He doesn’t owe Even anything. That’s exactly how he wants it.

Why is he feeling like he’s doing something wrong, then? It’s not the gay thing. Isak hasn’t felt bad about being very, very gay with Even many, many times. He looks around, at all the guys everywhere, and licks his lips slowly. He needs to pretty much just pick one. Any one. He can’t decide. None of them seem quite what he is looking for.

Isak goes to the bar and orders a shot. He shouldn’t be drinking with his medication, but he’ll just skip tonight’s dose. It shouldn’t be too bad. If he’s lucky he’ll get a proper buzz going with just a few shots. If he’s really lucky, he won’t remember a thing tomorrow. He’ll wake up in his bed, with a massive headache, and an excellent excuse to keep Even out of his room.

He needs that excuse for both of them. He needs space. He needs to be his own person, instead of curling up in a nest with Even, or a cocoon, where their bodies lose their borders and melt into one. Isak needs a night out. He needs to see Issy again, just to know he is still there. He hasn’t been around lately. It’s because of Even.

So, when the opportunity to leave the house tonight all by himself rose, Isak took it. He put Issy’s playlist on, and he picked an outfit, and he froze his scantily clad ass off standing in the line, and he came to the club, and now he wants to dance like Issy dances. He heads for the dance floor and shoves his way in the mass of warm, sweaty, squirming bodies.

Isak doesn’t have to dance alone for long. He stands out in the crowd, he is so tall, and people can see he doesn’t have company, and that he is pretty. He even borrowed some glitter spray from Eskild’s stash and applied it in his hair, to make himself extra attractive. Isak smiles to the guys who start dancing around and at him, and raises his hands above his head. He’s here to have a good time.

They still haven’t been able to fuck. Whenever Even tries to get his dick inside Isak, something happens. He can’t get it in. Isak doesn’t want their first time to be him fucking Even, either, so they just haven’t done it yet. Isak needs to find someone who won’t stop at the first sign of trouble. He needs to get in the groove. There is a wall inside him, and it needs to be broken down, and this is the place to find someone who can do just that.

It doesn’t need to be good sex. It just needs to happen. So, Isak is scanning the crowd for someone who is hot and knows it. A cocky, confident guy. A fuckboy. Someone self-centered, in it for his own pleasure, accepting consent without enthusiasm. Someone Issy would like.

Where is that bitch, anyway? What is taking him so long? Isak needs him. Isak misses him. He misses being able to step back, a bit to the side from himself, and just watch Issy do things he couldn’t ever do.

Well. He has done them. With Even. Over and over again. He has pressed his naked body against Evens. He has moaned directly into Even’s mouth. He has wrapped his fingers around his and Even’s dick at the same time. He has sucked Even’s dick, and fucked him in his pretty mouth, and he has enjoyed it so much. It hasn’t felt wrong.

Isak wants it to feel wrong. He needs it to be dirty and bad and forbidden, and that’s one of the reasons he is here even though he shouldn’t be. That’s why he is still here, even though he wants to go home and watch a movie with Even, sharing a blanket with him and missing the ending because they have started kissing.

No.

Isak can’t have that. He can’t have Even and a happy life with him, because he can’t handle it. He can’t handle Even. He would be careless with that boy, that fragile, enchanted boy, and he would break him. That’s a thought Isak can’t cope with. He can’t break Even, because that would destroy him, too.

You can’t lose something you never had.

A pair of hands land on Isak’s hips from behind. Isak places his hands on them, but doesn’t push them away. He feels them around a bit. Nice, big hands. Good, firm grip. Great presence in the touch, it’s strong and dominant. The guy smells nice, too, and not knowing what he looks like is kind of exciting. Isak doesn’t turn to look, he just surrenders.

The semi hard dick Isak feels against his ass is also exciting. Its presence is so prominent, and so obnoxious. The guy simply assumes that Isak would be interested in being introduced to it, and his assumption is correct. Isak is very interested. He pushes his hips back a bit more, inviting the guy to grind on him. He does. It feels great. It feels sexy, and slutty, and dirty.

It feels wrong.

It’s perfect.

Until it isn’t anymore. Isak doesn’t know what is happening. One moment he is having a great time, dancing, grinding, anticipating some quick and anonymous sex, and the next second the air feels thick and heavy like water all around him, and his lungs are crushed under the pressure. Isak struggles himself free from the hands and hurries to the exit. He almost forgets to get his jacket and scarf.

The air is cold. It’s still thick, it flows down Isak’s throat and drowns him, he tries to hold his breath but he can’t. He manages to take his phone out and unlock the screen. Isak tries to call Even, but he doesn’t pick up. His phone must be on silent again, or he is screening Isak’s calls, or both. Isak has no idea how Even took it when he decided to go out tonight, alone, dressed like a slut and sparkling like a fairy. He probably didn’t take it well.

Isak tries Jonas next. He squeezes the phone tightly, scared that he might drop it, and listens to the dial tone beep again and again. Jonas doesn’t pick up, and neither does Magnus, or Eskild. Isak searches through his contacts, looking for someone to call, anyone, when he notices he is breathing normally again.

He looks around. There’s nobody out on the street. He is alone. It’s just him.

It’s just him.


	69. Chapter 69

Can you die because of jealousy? If you can, Even is in grave danger. Hell, he might be well on his way to becoming the first case ever, in case it hasn’t been proved possible yet. He has spent the whole night trying to keep himself busy, to think about other things. He has tried to watch a movie. He has tried to draw something. He has re-organized his closet. He has masturbated, bitterly, three times.

No matter how hard he tries, he can’t stop thinking about Isak. One could think it’d be easier when Isak isn’t there, but no, it’s harder. Even’s mind keeps feeding him images of Isak kissing other guys, or worse. He keeps looking at Isak’s closed door, and every time he sees it he is more convinced that he will not be welcome on the other side of it ever again.

He knows these thoughts aren’t true, or based on anything real, other than his own insecurities. Isak just wanted to go out on his own. They have been attached from the hip for weeks, and it’s healthy to take some space. Even just wishes it wasn’t this painful.

Maybe he could try to win Isak over again? Some good old fashioned courting. He knows exactly the thing. Because Isak is right, they need a change of pace, something refreshing and new, some variety to the comfort of Isak’s room. Fuck, Even misses being in Isak’s room. It smells like Isak in there. His own room sucks. It’s so lonely, and small, and pathetic.

Even browses the pictures. He’s looking for a specific mood. He isn’t sure what it should be, but he will know when he sees it. He will feel it in his soul. All the pictures are pretty and inviting, as one would expect from hotel websites, but Even has to browse for a while before he finds the one. It’s full of light. The picture must have been taken in the summer, but understanding that comes too late. The emotional response to all that light already happened, and now Even wants that room. He wants a suite in the Plaza.

Even got it backwards. He doesn’t need to try and stop thinking about Isak, he should think about Isak more. Thinking about Isak in that extra wide bed, between those luxurious, white sheets, is definitely elevating Even’s mood. If Even brings Isak in that room and asks for him to be his, Isak will say yes. He can’t refuse in that setting, if there is even a little chance of a yes. If there isn’t -- at least Even will know.

The suite is available this weekend. Excellent. Even books it through the online system and dares to breathe normally again once the confirmation email appears in his inbox. Even is getting really excited about this. He should keep it a secret, for now. He wants to surprise Isak with a weekend getaway in a life of luxury. He can’t wait to see Isak’s face. It will light up, and the stars will come out, and it’s going to be perfect.

Even’s phone buzzes. It’s Isak calling. He can’t pick it up now, he would blurt out the secret. He’s too excited about the plan, he would share it. So, as much as he would love to hear Isak’s voice right now, he doesn’t answer the call. He hides the phone under his pillow and waits for it to stop buzzing. When it does, the room feels incredibly silent, and even lonelier than usual. That’s about to change soon.

Isak doesn’t want to go home. He just wants to go home. It’s complicated. He wants to go home and in his room and curl up in there, and he doesn’t want to see Even, and he really, really wants to see Even.

It’s just that he doesn’t want Even to see him.

Not like this. Not with this sparkly shit in his hair, and in this ridiculous outfit. This isn’t him. Isak thought it would be, or a part of him, something important to him, but it’s not. He doesn’t want this. Not anymore. The act he tried to pull at the club was a performance of something he thought being gay meant, before he knew himself better.

Shit. That’s surprisingly deep, all of a sudden. Isak did not expect to be having an epiphany in the middle of the night on a dark, windy street. He thought things like this happened in the offices of therapists, after months and months of talking about himself, but no, it happened now. The December breeze bites through Isak’s winter clothes and tries to freeze his face off, but that only adds to the sense of clarity he is feeling.

He is different from Issy, just not like he thought he was.

Now Isak wants to call someone again. He knows nobody will pick up now, either. It’s been just minutes. Long, cold minutes. He should get going. He doesn’t want to become sick. He remembers how bad Even had it, and he is pretty sure he doesn’t want to be as dependable of care as Even was. Isak has to be able to look after himself, not encourage Even further.

As if Even needs encouragement. Isak saw his face when he told him he was going out alone. Even thinks he has a claim over Isak, no matter how many times he says he doesn’t. That Even understands they aren’t dating, or that Isak can’t give more of himself to him than he already has. Even is lying, and Isak is letting him.

That should stop. It’s not fair.

Isak pushes his hands in his pockets in futile search for warmth. He pulls his shoulders up and starts walking. He’s going to go home now, and he’s going to tell Even that he needs time to think about things. Not necessarily alone, but definitely without Even. He might have had a moment of clarity, but he is going to have to keep working on that thought for a bit more.

He can’t think about anything else than Even if he’s with Even. About Even’s skin, how he never seems to get enough of it. About Even’s smile, the one that makes him squint. About Even’s ridiculous hair that still manages to suit him perfectly.

Isak shakes his head to clear his mind. No. If he keeps dreaming about Even, there is no way he is going to be able to slink into his own room without knocking on Even’s door on his way. Isak hurries his steps. The less time it takes for him to reach home, the less time he is going to spend thinking about - or trying to not think about - Even.

Even pushes his thumb in the pile of pills on his palm and swirls them around. He doesn’t want to take them yet. They will make him fall asleep, and he wants to be awake when Isak comes home. He wants to make sure Isak is okay. He tried calling Isak back when he calmed down a bit, but Isak didn’t answer. He hasn’t read his messages, either. That’s more than enough to make Even worry.

He wishes he knew where Isak went. He could go look for him. But he has no idea where to even start. He doesn’t want to be running around bars and clubs right now. He might not make it out. Even puts the pills on his bed beside him. He will wait for a bit more, and then he will take them, like the good boy he is.

Someone is moving in the stairs. Even perks up and listens. Yes. Those are steps. And they stop at their door. Keys rattle, the lock turns, and by then Even has opened his door and can see Isak enter the apartment. Isak is home. Isak is okay. Even is so fucking relieved.

Then he sees Isak’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..Merry Christmas?


	70. Chapter 70

Isak got so close. He was almost in the clear, and that’s where he made his mistake. He forgot to pull himself together before opening the apartment door. He met Even unprepared, and he can tell from Even’s face, that it’s too late to try hiding anything anymore. Even saw him. This will have to happen now.

“Hey”, Isak says quietly, with a tiny nod. Even nods back at him.

“Hey.”

Isak has to bend over to unlace his boots. He shoves them under the coats and has no hurry to stand up again. He doesn’t want to face Even. He has to. No matter what he tries to tell himself, he cares about Even. No matter how many times he tells himself he doesn’t owe Even anything, he does.

He owes him an explanation.

“How was it?” Even asks. Isak looks at him quickly, from behind his hair, and pulls himself upright.

“How was what?”

“I mean, it’s still early.” Even shifts his weight from one leg to the other one. He is hiding his excitement and hope super badly. He’s just as bad at it as Magnus is. Isak doesn’t remember Even being this easy to read. Perhaps he has learned to read him during their weeks together.

_ No. _

Not  _ together _ together.

“I’m tired”, Isak says, as snappy as he possibly can. That’s pretty fucking snappy. Even takes an actual step back when it hits. Isak is almost frightened by how satisfying it is to see. Is he really an awful person? Yes, yes he is. That’s yet another item on the long lists of reasons why Even should stay the fuck away from him.

“Oh, okay”, Even says. He looks like he is deflating. “I should probably let you go to bed, then?”

Isak wants to snap at Even again, just to make sure the blow is delivered properly. He can’t. Not when Even is looking at him like that. It’s not the pain, it’s the disappointment that does Isak in.

“No, no, we. We should talk.” Isak takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He can do this. “Is Eskild home?”

Even takes a couple of steps back and reaches over to knock on Eskild’s door. They wait. No answer. Isak counts the shoes while they’re waiting, and one pair seems to be missing.

“Let’s make some coffee.”

Isak heads for the kitchen. Even follows him. Hearing his steps, sensing his presence, makes this return feel like coming home. He shouldn’t be getting used to it. It’s a lie. A dream. A fantasy, and it’s time to bring it to an end. He needs to set Even free.

They put the coffee on together. Isak takes the filter from the cupboard and hands it over to Even, who puts it in place, and their movements are absolutely seamless in a way that can be described as effortless. Isak has been trying so hard all his life. There have been two people ever he hasn’t needed to try with. Jonas. And Even.

There is a significant difference between Even and Jonas, though. Jonas knows him. He has grown up with Isak and knows him through and through. He knows what he is in for, because he has been in it most of his life. Even doesn’t know. Even doesn’t know better.

Suddenly Isak can hear music. It takes him a moment to understand where it is coming from. He looks at Even from the corner of his eye.

“You’re playing music”, Isak says. Even looks surprised, then like he finally reconnects to the reality, and takes his phone out of his pocket.

“My earbuds must have died”, Even says, holding the phone-turned-boombox in his hand. Now the music is loud enough for Isak to recognise the song. He raises his brows in disbelief.

“Gabrielle? Really?”

Even grins, half embarrassed.

“I like the song. It’s so easy to dance to.” Even places his phone on the table. It’s still blasting out Gabrielle, and to Isak’s horrored delight Even has decided to give him a demonstration of the danceability of Gabrielle. He is dancing, sort of, towards Isak, and singing along to the song. The song is so stupid and so fucking catchy, and Even is so ridiculously sexy, and he is squinting like he’s looking at the sun while he’s looking at just Isak, and Isak can’t help it, the moment rushes past him and swoops him up with it, and when Even kisses him he kisses back.

Even grabs Isak’s hips and guides them to join the dance. It feels drastically different to how the guy holding him at the club felt. It was foreplay, while this -- this is simply play. They are playing together, enjoying each other’s company and presence, basking in each other’s light. It feels so warm. It’s so bright, yet so easy on the eyes. Gabrielle is singing, they are dancing in the kitchen, and this is so much better than anything Isak could ever find in any club.

If life only was just this. If they could be dancing in the kitchen forever, then the choice would be an obvious one. Isak would choose Even. He would belong to him, and this moment, for the rest of his life. But there is more to it. It’s more complicated. Isak is one big ball of complicated things glued together with issues and sprinkled with trouble. Even deserves more. He deserves better.

They can, however, enjoy the moment while it’s here. Isak raises his hand behind Even’s neck and pulls him closer, to kiss him again. The more he is kissing Even, Isak figures, the less Even is able to sing along to this annoying song. Also, the more Isak is kissing Even, the more he is kissing Even, and that’s definitely a win-win scenario if Isak ever saw one.

Moments pass. Songs end. New songs begin, and since the new song is fucking  _ Take on me _ Isak simply can’t handle it anymore. He turns his head away from the kiss, laughing.

“No. Turn that off, now.”

“You have no appreciation for true art of popular music”, Even scoffs. Isak nods. Repeatedly.

“I absolutely agree. Now turn that shit off before I completely lose the mood.”

Even grins, but hurries to turn the music off. When it’s gone, the whole apartment seems so silent. Isak can hear his heart, or maybe it’s Even’s. That’s easy enough to check. Isak walks to Even and presses his ear against Even. His heart is beating so loud and steady, much steadier than Isak’s fluttering chest.

Even’s fingers rest in Isak’s hair. Isak closes his eyes.

“I need to tell you something important”, Isak sighs. Even pulls him closer.


	71. Chapter 71

Magnus places the coffees on the table and sits down, opposite to Even. This has been long overdue, but with everything going on with Isak and Kitty Magnus hasn’t had the time or the energy for this. He has been a bad friend, but now he can maybe make some amends.

“So, how’s it going?” Even asks, probably out of politeness, or to avoid talking about him. They both know why they are here. “You’re still with that girl?”

Magnus nods. He can’t help but smile. He is a lucky guy, landing a girl like that.

“Yeah, Kitty is still giving me the benefit of a doubt”, Magnus says. Even looks confused, and Magnus notices he just called her Kitty. “That’s uh. She didn’t want to be called honey or babe or something like that, but Kitty was fine. I’m just used to it by now.”

Even grins.

“You really are blessed, Mags. That’s good. You deserve to be happy.”

“Well, so do you”, Magnus reminds Even. In all honesty, Even is looking a bit better, too. Happier. Not right now, but the baseline has moved. For the better. “How are things with you and Isak?”

Even blushes. Magnus smiles at him, encouragingly.

“I’m not sure there are me and Isak”, Even confesses. “I mean, I try to keep my spirit up, but it’s been harder lately. It’s like. Isak doesn’t want it to happen.”

Magnus frowns. That’s odd.

“Isn’t he into you?”

Even nudges his left shoulder.

“It doesn’t seem to matter to him. He doesn’t want to be with me. Like, in a relationship.” Even sighs. “I don’t know what to do. I love him. He loves me. We’re both free. We’re living together. What else does there have to be?”

Magnus arches his brow. He hasn’t heard the l-word before, and he suspects Isak hasn’t, either, because he hasn’t received a semi-panicked text about it being said.

“Love?”

Even looks like he just got caught. Briefly. Then he smiles, his radiant smile, and it still makes something inside Magnus flutter a bit. Even is gorgeous. That’s simply a fact.

“Yeah, I think so? You know how he is. He doesn’t really talk about his feelings.”

Magnus knows, yes. He also knows how Even is. The warning signs are showing, and Magnus should pay more attention to them. Or, direct the attention towards them.

“You seem to be on a good mood”, Magnus says, and hopes it doesn’t sound like an accusation. To his surprise, Even’s good mood disappears, but not to make way for anger. No, Even isn’t angry, or defensive. He is sad.

“That’s because I forgot for a second”, Even sighs. “I should stop dreaming. I should let go of Isak. He doesn’t want to be with me.”

“And that’s something he has specifically told you, in those words?” Magnus has to make sure. Because if there’s something these two have been excellent at, it’s miscommunication. Especially interpreting what the other one means, despite what they’re saying - or not saying.

“Yes. Multiple times. He likes me, but he doesn’t want to be with me. He wants me, we have been hooking up, but he has always made sure I understand I have to leave afterwards. He doesn’t want to date me, or belong to me, and he doesn’t want me to belong to him, but it’s too fucking late for that.” Even speaks faster and faster. Magnus places his hand on Even’s arm to calm him down. It works. Even shakes his head. “I don’t know what to do. I’m so gone for that boy.”

Magnus nods. He has to admit Even is in trouble now. It just seems unnecessary.

“Has Isak told you why he doesn’t want to date you, despite liking you?”

Even nods. He hesitates. It must be something personal. Magnus should tell him it’s okay, that it’s none of his business, but he is dying to know. Issy probably wouldn’t tell him if he asked.

“He says he needs to think. Last night he went clubbing and came home early, and told me that he isn’t one bit like Issy, and he needs to come to terms with that.”

Oh. Right. Isak isn’t Issy. Apparently not one bit. Magnus blushes, with shame and regret. He liked Issy so much. He likes Isak, too, but he has to admit that it was easier to like Issy. Issy was lighter. He was a lot of fun, where as Isak is..less. Different. He is a funny guy, and Magnus enjoys his company, but he misses Issy at times.

“That sounds big”, Magnus agrees. “I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s natural Isak needs space with something like that.”

Even rolls his eyes.

“I have given him space. I am getting tired of it. I miss him! Every second I’m not with him is awful, because I can’t be sure I get to be with him ever again.” Even’s voice cracks. He looks so sad. Magnus feels for him, he really does, but there isn’t much he can do to help.

“Isak is a complicated guy, but he isn’t cruel”, Magnus says. He doesn’t sound too convincing. He remembers his birthday. What was Isak then, if not cruel? It was different, Isak was cornered then, he just lashed out. It’s not who he really is. “If he tells you he likes you, it means something. He could have just not said anything at all.”

“I just feel like an idiot”, Even sighs. “I even made plans for this Saturday. I was going to take him to a hotel. You know, to get away from things, a little break. But Jonas is coming home for Christmas, and Isak is of course running right to him.”

Magnus sees an opening. He dashes towards it without thinking twice. He can help a friend, and he jumps at the opportunity immediately.

“I’ll take care of Jonas”, Magnus says. “I don’t have anything planned for Saturday.”

Even looks less sad now. He looks hopeful. Magnus loves hope, it’s so important.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. I’ll drag him out for some bro-time on Saturday. I presume he’s coming over on Friday? That should give him and Isak enough time to bond, too.” They are best friends, after all. Something that Magnus will never be, to anyone. Isak was cruel, but he was correct. Mags isn’t best friend material.

Even takes his hand and squeezes it.

“Thank you”, Even says, and he really sounds grateful. Magnus did good. He helped a friend.

“Isak might still refuse to come”, Magnus reminds Even, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. The hope is alive, sparkling in Even’s eyes. Magnus is certain Isak will be powerless before those eyes. He will be drawn to them, unable to resist. Maybe he will understand he doesn’t have to fight. That poor boy has been fighting for so long. It’s time to make peace.


	72. Chapter 72

Isak is standing by the tracks this time. Jonas will be arriving soon on platform three, and Isak is waiting for him. He looks around, a bit nervous. There are quite a few people here, waiting for trains or people to arrive aboard them. Isak keeps checking his phone, expecting to see a message from Jonas, calling the whole thing off, but there isn’t one. Jonas is still on board with the plan. Isak isn’t sure if he is, but he also knows it’s necessary. This is something he wants to do, no matter how much it scares him.

The train is approaching the station. Isak licks his lips quickly. He put some chapstick on this morning, because he is an idiot, and because micromanaging things like that calms him down. At least his lips are nice and soft now. And a bit tingly. It’s just expectation, and nerves.

Finally the train arrives and stops. There are more people on the platform now. It’s not actually a crowd, and definitely not an audience. They are interested in the people they are waiting for, nobody cares about Isak and what he is about to do. Isak knows this. It still feels scary, and exciting. Isak’s heart is racing, and then he sees Jonas step out of the train.

His heart still remembers the song it used to sing at the sight of that boy. It starts humming the tune, and Isak lets it. He listens to it, and he watches Jonas walk to him, smiling, he watches Jonas’ lips, and when they reach him he kisses them. Isak closes his eyes and leans in a bit, and he kisses Jonas hello like he would kiss a boyfriend. Out in the open, in the middle of a crowd, he is kissing a boy and it feels good.

Jonas lets Isak kiss him for a long time. To all his heart’s desire. Isak lets himself kiss Jonas, as well. He lets himself enjoy it, and he does. It feels good. It is all he ever dreamed it would be, and more, and still -- it’s not enough. Isak tastes Jonas’ lips one more time, slowly, and finally lets go. He steps back, and looks around, and nobody indeed cares at all.

Well, Jonas does. He is still smiling, but Isak can tell he is observing Isak, as well. Isak smiles back at him.

“Thank you. That was super helpful.”

Jonas nods. He does a pretty good job hiding his confusion and curiosity.

“Happy to help. Would love to know how, exactly?”

Now that Jonas has already gone through with the experiment it’s probably safe to tell him why it was performed. Isak blushes a bit.

“I wanted to know if kissing a guy I care about feels always the same. I wanted to see if there’s a difference.”

“Between me and Even?”

Isak nods. He can barely look at Jonas, suddenly ashamed of what he just did. It was so weird. It felt necessary. Isak doesn’t regret it, though he probably should.

“Was there? A difference.”

Isak nods again. Then he sighs.

“Yes. I love you, man, but it was not even close.”

Jonas grins. His grin is full of light and relief.

“Awesome. I mean, I love you too, bro, but I’m super happy to hear you aren’t into me like that anymore. Just because I can’t return those feelings.”

“Those feelings are gone. I promise.” Isak is relieved, too. It would be so fucking complicated and difficult if he still was into Jonas, too. Like that. But he’s not. He can focus fully on the other complicated and difficult shit in his life. Even. “Fuck, it’s freezing out here. We should get going.”

Jonas agrees. They start walking, and though Isak offers to help Jonas with his stuff, Jonas insists he is okay. Isak doesn’t push it. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to carry bags that desperately, anyway.

“How about your feelings for Even? Did you get some sort of confirmation?”

Isak nods. And shakes his head.

“My feelings for Even were never in need of confirmation. I’m really, really into him. He is -- wonderful.” Isak smiles, just a bit, at the thought of Even. “It’s me who is the issue, here.”

Jonas laughs right in Isak’s face.

“You can say that again, Is. Heh, maybe it’s sort for _issue_ and not Isak?”

Isak glares at Jonas. What a dick.

“Remind me, why are we friends, again?”

“Because you put up with my bullshit, and I put up with yours, I guess.” Jonas isn’t laughing anymore, but his eyes are twinkling. “What’s the issue?”

“I don’t know”, Isak sighs. “I’m a coward. I’ve been getting better lately, like, more in touch with myself, but I’m still scared. What if I fall in love with Even? What if we start dating, and then everything goes to hell? Even is so --”

Isak has to pause to find the right word. Fragile doesn’t cut it.

“It’s likely that he will get an episode. It’s bound to happen, sooner or later, and what if I can’t handle it?”

Jonas hums.

“I bet you can. I’m serious. I’ll bet on anything, that you can handle it.”

“You shouldn’t. We don’t know if I can actually do it.”

Jonas steps in front of Isak and stops.

“You just kissed me at the railway station. Did you think, say, two weeks ago, that you could do something like that?”

“Two weeks ago? Why two weeks?”

Jonas groans.

“Fine. Some other arbitrary measure of time, then. Let’s say, recently. Has there been a recent development that made kissing me out in public possible to you?”

Isak has to nod.

“Yes.”

“And would it have been impossible before that turn of events?”

“Yes.”

“And aren’t you on a journey, where you keep taking steps towards being healthier in general, and more comfortable with yourself than before?”

“Yet again, yes.”

Jonas nods, too.

“Yes.” Jonas grabs Isak’s shoulder and gives it a little squeeze. “I believe in you, Isak Valtersen. Everything you’ve done this far, everything you’ve become, supports the idea of you being able to handle it.”

Isak doesn’t know what to say. He wants to object. And he wants Jonas to be right.

“Besides, you’re forgetting something important. If the worst happens, if everything goes to hell -- you are not alone. You have friends. You have me. Whatever happens, you will not have to handle it on your own, ever again.”

There is suddenly a lump at the back of Isak’s throat. Isak forces it down. It makes his eyes sting a bit.

“I’m not alone”, Isak repeats. Jonas nods.

“Not ever again.”


	73. Chapter 73

Even is so nervous. He has never even stepped inside the Plaza, or a hotel suite, and now he is on his way to one. The suite at the Plaza, with a panoramic view over the fjords. Well. It’s dark. They won’t be able to see a view of any kind, not before tomorrow. The late check-out guarantees they will be in the room during daylight. Even can’t wait to kiss Isak by the window, the whole city at their feet.

That is, of course, if Isak will agree to kiss him at all. At least he agreed to come with Even. Even has packed for both of them and made sure to remember Isak’s charger and both their medication, so they’re all set for a surprise night away from home. Isak can still say no. In that case Even will get to cry all night in really, really nice sheets.

“Where are we going?” Isak asks. He sounds suspicious. He looks around them. “Are you taking me to a fancy restaurant? I don’t know how to behave in them!”

“No”, Even hums. “I promise, it’s not a restaurant.”

Even wishes he could blindfold Isak until they reach the room, but it’s not very convenient. Isak has to walk, and he could trip over and hurt himself. That would ruin the whole night, and Even is willing to opt for ruining the surprise instead. They walk to the Plaza and Even guides Isak across the yard.

“Even? Are you taking me to 34th?! If that’s not a fancy restaurant I don’t know what is!”

Even places his hand on Isak’s arm. It works. Isak calms down.

“I promised you we’re not going to a restaurant, and I intend to keep that promise. Come on. You have your ID with you, right?”

Isak pats his chest and nods.

“Yeah, it’s in my wallet. Why?”

Even stops, just before they reach the doors. It’s time. This way Isak doesn’t have to make a scene if he says no.

“I got us a room for the night”, Even says. “Or, actually, it’s a suite. I thought that we could use a little break from your room, or mine, or the kitchen, and. Would you like to join me?”

Isak just stares at him. Even licks his lips, quickly. He wants to go inside already, to check in and go up to their room and see it in person. The pictures look so nice.

“Even, that’s like -- how much?”

Even shrugs. He didn’t really pay attention.

“I can afford it.”

“How?” Isak asks. His face looks like he has wanted to ask this very question for a while now. “I mean. You eat Eskild’s ramen and microwave pizzas, and now you’re taking me to restaurants and buying me gifts and now this?”

Even licks his lips again.

“Don’t worry. I’m not expecting anything in return. I just love to get you things, and take you to places. You deserve it.”

Isak looks up at the hotel towering in front of them. He wants to go, Even can see it.

“It’s non-refundable, and I already paid for it. It will just go to waste if we don’t go.”

Isak nods slowly. He is still looking up. Maybe he is trying to figure out which window would be theirs.

“It would be a terrible waste.”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t have my --” Isak pauses and swallows the word. Even knows what he didn’t say. Medication. “-- things with me.”

“I packed everything you need”, Even says. “Even a clean pair of socks. Or, I suppose they’re clean? I found them on your floor but they looked clean and didn’t smell.”

Isak laughs. His eyes are sparkling. Starlight.

“You were sneaking around my room and sniffing at my socks? Pervert.”

Even grins.

“Nobody is  _ that _ kinky.”

Isak laughs out loud and pretends to smack Even’s arm.

“How dare you!”

“I know! I should be awarded a medal for my bravery.”

Isak chases Even into the hotel, laughing. They reach the reception desk and have to calm down long enough to fill out the paperwork and check in. It’s hard. Even keeps giggling, and Isak is all squirmy, but finally they make it into the elevator. That’s as far as Even can go, he simply has to kiss Isak now. And he does.

Isak kisses him back. For a moment. Then he pulls back. He is smiling.

“Thank you. This is a wonderful surprise.”

“I’ve been dying to tell you for days. I’m glad I finally can.”

Isak unbuttons Even’s winter coat slowly. Even kind of forgets how breathing is done. It gets all tangled and sighy all of a sudden.

“Speaking of things to be told”, Isak starts, but gets interrupted by the elevator making a sound. The doors slide open. They have reached their floor. Isak steps out and looks around, spots the signs and heads for their room. Even follows him, like a robot, mechanically. His head isn’t here right now, it’s even higher up, in the clouds.

Even opens the door and lets Isak in. He follows right after him and drops the key card in the slot to turn on the lights. The room is incredible. It’s so luxurious. It’s huge, and the bed is huge, and Even is so happy right now. He walks to the room’s phone.

“Let’s see if they have any nice alcohol free champagne, shall we?”

Isak looks at him, his eyes wide.

“Room service? I’ve always wanted to order from room service.”

“I know”, Even says, smiling. “You told me when we watched Pretty Woman. Champagne?”

“Strawberries taste like shit in December, though.”

Even laughs.

“I doubt they would in this place. But very well. How about coke?”

“I think they might have some in the mini bar. Ooh, the mini bar!” Isak hurries to look for it. He finds it, and makes a delighted little squeal. “The cans are tiny! They’re so fucking tiny!”

“In that case we will need more. And something to eat, too. Any requests?”

Isak jumps on the bed, crosses his legs and pops open the smallest can of coke Even has ever seen in his life.

“I don’t care, as long as it’s from room service.”

“As you wish.” Even calls the staff and asks for cheeseburgers and fries for two, and twelve mini coke cans in a bucket of ice. When he gets off the phone and looks at Isak, he sees a galaxy.

“Ten minutes”, Even says. Isak nods, smiling. He reaches out his hand, and Even walks to him to take it.

“Thank you. This is the nicest surprise I have ever had. I love it.”

Even almost says it. He almost lets it drop from his lips, but he catches it just in time and pulls it back. No. Not now. Not yet. He just smiles, and lets Isak pull him closer, and kisses him.


	74. Chapter 74

Nobody has ever treated Isak to anything this nice. This suite is beautiful, and the sheer insanity of the tiny cans of coke is one of the best things Isak has ever encountered. He doesn’t dare add up the price to see how much more it actually costs than a normal sized can from the store. Even said it’s okay. He said Isak deserves some luxury in his life, and Isak is starting to believe him.

It’s easy to believe Even when he is kissing Isak like this. Like nothing else matters but this moment. This kiss, and where it might lead them. As if there is something unclear about where this kiss is going to end up. It’s just that this time it feels different. Isak feels different. He should let Even know that.

He will. Right after this kiss. It’s too nice to cut it short, for any reason. Even’s hands in his hair feel so good. Even’s shoulders under his palms feel so strong. Isak doesn’t want to let go, not ever, and for the first time that thought doesn’t scare him even a little bit.

Even grabs the hem of Isak’s shirt and pulls it up. His touches light Isak’s skin on fire. He craves more, more touches, more heat, and as Even undoes his jeans he doesn’t resist at all. Even drops on his knees on the floor, pulling Isak’s pants down with him, and Isak can barely keep standing.

There’s a knock on the door. It’s the room service, and in hindsight it was super stupid to place an order before the sex. Isak makes a small groan, and Even echoes it, but he pulls himself up on his feet anyway.

“Hold that thought”, Even mumbles. Isak grins at him.

“The food will get cold if I do.”

“I don’t mind cold fries”, Even says, and leans in to steal one more kiss from Isak. Isak allows that, happily.

“Well unlike you, I’m not an animal. Go get our food. It smells yummy.” Isak can smell it from here, and the scent is making him hungry for actual nourishment. Eating up Even is lovely, but it doesn’t feed his body. So, when Even tries to get another kiss, Isak pulls back. Heroically. “Feed me!”

“Fine.” Even rolls his twinkling eyes and goes to get the door. He returns with a small cart loaded with a silver bucket and two cloches. Actual cloches. Isak has to make a little excited squeak when he sees it.

“This is incredible”, he sighs. “Just like the movies.”

Even is shining. He grabs a cloche and lifts it, a grand reveal, and the smell gets even stronger and better. It makes Isak’s mouth water. The plate is holding a palm sized burger and what looks like about twenty fries, accompanied by a small cup of ketchup. Isak doesn’t want to know how much this thing cost. It would just make him angry.

Even offers the plate to Isak. Isak takes it, pulls the sheet over his knee and rests the plate on it, and grabs the burger. He takes one bite, and closes his eyes.

“Fuck, that’s so good.”

Even is humming in agreement, with his mouth full. Isak swallows the burger and picks up a fry. It’s perfectly crisp and fluffy, and the ketchup he dips it in tastes delicious as well. For the next five minutes the suite gets filled with just munching and sipping, with some happy sighs in between. It’s so decadent to eat something this tasty, in a bed this nice, and butt naked.

“That. Was. So. Good.” Isak puts the plate on the cart and pops open his third mini can of coke. Even collapses on his side on the bed and makes a little burp.

“Agreed. Surprisingly filling, too.”

“I suppose the four cans of coke you guzzled has something to do with that”, Isak teases. Even grins.

“They are tiny cans. That’s why you wanted them, remember?”

Isak looks at Even and wiggles his eyebrows.

“I am attracted to tiny things.”

Even howls in laughter and smacks Isak with a pillow.

“Rude! Lies!”

“Oh? I mean, I have seen it up close, many times.”

Even smacks him again. Isak doesn’t bother with taking cover from the hit, it doesn’t hurt at all.

“It’s clearly time to refresh your memory”, Even states, and unbuttons his jeans. Exactly as Isak hoped he would. Isak licks his lips impatiently. He’s not at all nervous, and that feels like a rush, like a high, which only gets more intense as Even pulls his pants down.

Oh, how he wants that dick. That one in particular, out of all the dicks in the world. Such good luck that he can have it, too. It’s so pretty, in its semi hard state, almost shy but still eager. Isak can’t help it, he has to touch it, and Even lets him. It feels wonderful, how it gets full on hard in Isak’s hand.

“See? It’s not tiny.”

Isak chuckles.

“It’s not”, he hums gently, and gives the tip a little kiss. It makes Even shudder and sigh in pleasure. “Please forgive me for my lies.”

“Give it another kiss and I might consider”, Even hums, and Isak is more than happy to oblige. He kisses it slower this time, and with some tongue. Just a quick little swirl, just enough to make Even’s thighs tremble.

Even’s pocket starts to vibrate in a steady, persistent rhythm. They both ignore it. Isak is focusing his full attention on apologizing to Even’s not tiny dick, and Even isn’t seeming eager to disrupt the process.

The buzzing doesn’t stop. It pauses only briefly only to start again, and again, and again. It keeps going and going, and it’s starting to get really distracting. Isak lifts his face and looks up at Even. He keeps going with his hand, unable to let go of his task.

“It could be something important.”

Even groans.

“Nothing is more important than this.”

Isak agrees. He really does. But minutes after minutes of buzzing have made him anxious. His mind is getting on overdrive, feeding him images of house fires and traffic accidents, and he is starting to lose interest in Even’s dick.

“Shouldn’t you at least check who it is?”

Even sighs.

“I really don’t give a fuck. It’s obviously not you.”

Isak blushes a bit. That’s a nice compliment. But the phone is still buzzing. Isak moves his hand slower.

“They really want to talk to you.”

“Sucks to be them. Speaking of --”

That’s it. Isak can’t take this anymore. He slips his hand inside Even’s vibrating pocket and pulls the phone out.

“It’s Eskild. I’ll just tell him to fuck off.” Isak hits the green button and the second he does so, Eskild starts screaming. It’s so loud that it startles Isak, making him throw the phone on the bed. They both can still hear every word.

“You took a loan in MY NAME you fucking idiot! Out of all the fucking stupid bullshit you have done this is the worst! I will call the cops on your ass you fucking cunt!”

Isak covers his mouth with his hand. He should not be hearing this. This is none of his fucking business. At the same time he is glad he hears it, because Even would never tell him about this, and he really wants to know. Even took a loan? In Eskild’s name? Is that where all the money he has been spending on Isak came from? Is that what paid for this suite?

Eskild keeps yelling. He’s kind of repeating himself, demanding Even to come home this fucking instant and telling him off for pulling this stunt. Isak looks up at Even, and sees he is buttoning up his jeans.

“Even?”

Even doesn’t say a word. He steps out of the bed and goes to pull his shoes on. His face is totally blank, and really pale. Eskild is still yelling on the phone. Isak pulls a pillow over it to muffle the sound.

“Even? Where are you going?”

No answer. Even puts his jacket on, opens the door and leaves. Isak can only stare at the door Even closed behind him. He didn’t take anything with him. Not his phone. Not his bag. Not Isak. Isak hurries to pull a sheet out of the bed and wrap it around himself. He runs to the corridor, but he doesn’t see Even anywhere. He can only return into the room, where the distant sound of Eskild’s screaming is still going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Long time no see!
> 
> I caught COVID-19, and the symptoms started on Dec 29th. Today is the first day since that, when I have been able to sit for more than two hours in a row or in total (that record was set yesterday, btw). I spent some time at the hospital, twice, but luckily didn't need help with my breathing despite the pneumonia.
> 
> I'm still weak from the ordeal, and I have no idea how much of a toll spending today out of bed will take on me tomorrow. Thus, I can't tell for sure when the next update will happen. But I did write this whole chapter today! I'm so happy about that!
> 
> Please tell me what you think of the chapter, too, I have been waiting for over a month to get to write it!


	75. Chapter 75

When Eskild finally stops screaming Magnus and Jonas look at each other. They’re hanging out in Isak’s room, just chilling, and the mood has drastically changed by Eskild’s eruption.

“Is it true?” Jonas asks, as if Magnus would know. Well, he should know. He should have kept a closer eye on Even, and Isak, but with his uni work and girlfriend and mother he hasn’t simply had time. He should have made time. Friendships take time, he knows that, and he has slipped.

“It -- could be?” Isak has mentioned Even spending money on him. And this stunt sounds like something mom might pull. When Magnus puts those two things together and adds Eskild’s rage, the outcome doesn’t seem all that good.

“Well. Fuck.” Jonas looks upset. Magnus probably looks just the same. This is bad. Not the money thing, that’s just money, but Even is clearly having an episode. Why hasn’t Magnus seen it sooner? Now, in hindsight, he should have seen it. Was he just too eager to be happy with Kitty? Did he ignore the signs, so he wouldn’t have to deal with them?

“Yeah.”

“Do you think he’ll really call the cops on Even?”

Magnus has to shrug.

“I don’t know Eskild any better than you do.”

Jonas nods, frowning.

“He can’t do that. Isak can’t deal with that right now.”

Worry and regret squeeze Magnus’ chest. He hasn’t been looking after Isak, either. What kind of a friend is he?

“What do you mean?”

Jonas hesitates. Then he decides to keep it to himself.

“You can ask him later. Now we have to deal with this. You go talk to Eskild, try to get him to calm down, and I’ll call Is.”

Magnus nods. Now is not the time for his stupid insecure jealousy or regrets. Isak needs his actual best friend, and while Magnus doesn’t know Eskild all that well, neither does Jonas, and one of them has to deal with him.

“Okay. I’ll try. Tell Isak he’s got friends, and Even too.”

Jonas nods, his phone already on his ear. That’s Magnus’ cue to leave. He gets up on his feet and leaves the room, and goes to knock on Eskild’s door.

“It’s me. Can I come in?”

“Fuck off!”

Well, Magnus did expect that. He isn’t going to fuck off, though.

“Not happening. We need to talk about this.”

“It’s none of your business”, Eskild barks, but Magnus just shakes his head.

“You made it our business yourself, by screaming so loud that it’s probably the neighbour’s business as well.”

Eskild groans.

“I still don’t want to talk to you.”

Magnus shrugs.

“Tough. Our friends need our help.”

“Friends? I’ve just discovered I don’t have friends.”

Magnus sighs. Eskild is being an idiot. It’s perfectly understandable, but it’s still annoying.

“You have me. And Jonas, and Isak hasn’t done anything either, right?”

Eskild grunts. But he can’t deny the facts.

“Just let me in. I can help.”

“How? How exactly can you help?”

Magnus licks his lips quickly. He presses closer to the door and lowers his voice.

“He took a fifty grand loan, right?” He heard it loud and clear. Fifty grand, Eskild yelled, over and over again. “I can pay it off to get rid of their interest and other payments. I have a savings account.”

Eskild responds with stunned silence. Magnus expected that much. Fifty grand is a lot of money, not something you can simply throw around. Except that Magnus totally can. He isn’t in a hurry to move from home, and Kitty understands that. He doesn’t need the money right now. Even and Eskild do.

“Even is sick”, Magnus says, his voice still low. “You could call the police and charge him with identity theft, or you could give him a break.”

The lock clicks. Eskild cracks the door and looks at Magnus. Magnus does his best to look calm and assertive.

“I have given him a thousand breaks. He just keeps abusing them.”

Magnus grimaces. Right. He knows. Oh, he knows. He has to make a decision now, and he is a fool for not realizing sooner that it has to be made.

“My mother has bipolar disorder”, he says, quietly, hoping that Jonas isn’t listening. “So, uh. I know what you’re dealing with.”

Eskild looks at him for a moment. He looks suspicious. Why on earth would Magnus lie about something this serious? Eskild seems to reach the same conclusion. Maybe the look on Magnus’ face helps with that.

“It’s just. It just keeps getting worse.”

Magnus nods.

“I know.”

“He ruined my credit.”

Magnus nods again. He knows.

“He used me. I have been there for him for years, and this is how he repays me?”

“He isn’t well”, Magnus sighs. “You’re right. This is serious. This is not something to be taken lightly or hidden away. Even will have to face this, and the consequences, but do those consequences really have to include the police?”

Eskild pouts. He leans on the door and sways back and forth with it in small movements, like a little child. Magnus glances at Isak’s door. It remains closed, so at least Jonas is pretending he isn’t listening in on them. It’s likely he’s still on the phone with Isak.

“Jonas says Isak can’t take this right now”, Magnus says. “I don’t know any details, but he is Isak’s best friend.”

“Fuck Isak!” Eskild scoffs. Magnus almost steps back. “No, I mean it, fuck him! Fuck his homophobic melodramatic ass, fuck his co-dependency issues and fuck him in general!”

Magnus blinks slowly. He can understand Eskild is angry, but this isn’t cool.

“Isak isn’t well, either.”

“Who is? Who is well in this house?”

O-kay. This is new and important information. Magnus takes a deep breath. One of them has to remain calm.

“Are you okay?”

Eskild laughs at Magnus’ face.

“Fucking idiot! Of course I’m not okay! I’m 50 k in debt because someone I trusted stabbed me in the back!”

“Please don’t yell at me”, Magnus says. Eskild laughs again.

“Yell? This is not yelling! Want to hear me yell?”

Magnus shakes his head. He already heard Eskild yell. Half the block probably did.

“Just. Consider it, please? I can make the debt go away for you. We can work together to help Even understand his situation and that he needs help. Throwing him in the system will not help him, it will destroy him, and that might destroy Isak.”

“Fuck them. And fuck you too.” Eskild closes the door. Magnus doesn’t bother knocking on it. He can’t risk aggravating Eskild again. Eskild might have closed the door in his face, but at least he stopped yelling. He was listening. He heard Magnus. Magnus has to believe he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still feeling okay! Not fit to work so I had to get some more sick leave, but I have been active most of the day.


	76. Chapter 76

Eskild hasn’t stopped yelling by the time Isak has all his clothes on. Well, he did skip the underwear, because he is on a schedule. He leaves the phone on the bed, pulls his boots and his jacket on, takes the room keys and his own phone with him and runs. He runs to the elevator and gets tired of waiting after less than ten seconds. He hits the stairs. Round after round, his feet beat the stairs in a dizzying pace, and when he reaches the lobby he has to pause for a moment to stop his head from spinning.

Even isn’t in the lobby. Of course he isn’t. Isak has to keep going. He forces his legs to start moving again, and runs out of the building. He looks around, but can’t see Even anywhere. Not a trace.

Isak knows perfectly well, that Even’s phone is in their suite. Still, when his own phone buzzes, he picks up immediately.

“Even?”

“What?” Jonas asks, confused. “Isn’t he with you?”

Hearing Jonas’ voice makes Isak’s knees feel weak. All the panic gets drained from him, and he has nothing to put in its place. He deflates. He squeezes his phone.

“He’s gone”, Isak half whispers. “I don’t know where he went. He didn’t take anything with him.”

“Breathe, Is. I’m here, and you have to breathe.”

Oh. Isak notices it now, he isn’t breathing properly. No wonder he is feeling so dizzy.

“I don’t have time to breathe! I lost Even!”

“You can’t lose a person. You can, however, lose consciousness. Breathe.”

“I can’t”, Isak whimpers. Fuck, how pathetic is he? Breathing is the most basic things of humaning and he can’t do that much.

“It’s cool. I’ll help. Breathe with me, okay? In.” Jonas draws a loud, long breath in, then blows it out. “And out.”

Isak tries his best. He tries to follow Jonas’ voice, his breathing, and make his own body calm down. It’s okay. Jonas says it’s cool, and Jonas is the coolest guy Isak has ever known. Jonas knows what he’s doing. Isak can trust him.

In. And out.

Bit by bit, breath by breath, Isak calms down. He is still worried sick, and he is desperate, and scared to death, but at least he is breathing normally again.

“Okay”, Jonas says. “Now, tell me what happened.”

Isak looks around. Still no sight of Even.

“He took me to the Plaza. In a suite.”

Jonas cusses under his breath. Something terrible occurs to Isak.

“..why are you calling me?”

“Eskild”, Jonas says. Isak flinches. Jonas knows. He knows what paid for this suite, and all the nice things Even has given and done to Isak lately. It’s so embarrassing. It feels like Isak asked for it, it feels like Even thought Isak is high maintenance and that Even had to steal just to keep Isak happy.

“Isak. Breathe.”

Oh. Right. They breathe together for a moment, until Isak calms down.

“I didn’t know”, Isak mumbles, like a child being scolded. “I had no idea. I never asked for this.”

“I know, man. It’s cool. It’s not your fault.”

Isak closes his eyes and nods. It’s not his fault. It feels like it is, but what he feels like and what’s actually true are sometimes different things.

“Okay.”

“Now, what is this talk about losing Even?”

“He just left. He wouldn’t say anything, or listen to me, he got dressed and left.” Jonas probably didn’t want to know that Even was undressed. It doesn’t matter. Isak looks around, lost. “Before I could come after him he was gone.”

“And he doesn’t have any of his things with him?”

“No. He left his phone, and his bag.”

“Does he have his keys?”

“I don’t know. Maybe in his pocket?”

“Could you check his bag just in case? We need to know if he can come home without someone being here to open the door.”

Jonas is right. There’s no use in Isak standing here on the street. He spins around one more time, but doesn’t see Even anywhere. It makes his heart ache with a blunt pain.

“Okay. I’ll go back inside.”

Isak takes the elevator up. He uses the time to focus on his breathing. He has to remain calm. Jonas is with him. He can do this. Back in the room Isak puts Jonas on speaker and lifts Even’s bag on the bed.

“This feels wrong. I’m invading his privacy.”

“Maybe just give it a shake first? You might hear the keys.”

That’s a good idea. Isak grabs the bag and shakes it. He doesn’t hear anything.

“Shit”, Jonas sighs. “Look, I’m not comfortable with this either, but it’s important. We need to know what Even has with him.”

“What difference does it make?” Isak asks. Even is gone. He just left. Thinking about it makes Isak’s chest feel tighter.

“It lets us know how many options he has. If his wallet is in the bag, he’ll have to come home soon.”

“What if it’s not?” Isak whispers, his voice thin and weak. If Even has money, he can go anywhere. He can run further away, and for a longer time, and -- shit. “What if Eskild really calls the cops on him?”

“Nonsense. Magnus is talking with him right now, he will come around. Check the bag.”

Isak grabs the zipper but still hesitates. He wouldn’t want anyone to go through his backpack. He would be so angry, and so offended, and so hurt. He doesn’t want to hurt Even like that, even though Even just hurt him so badly.

Isak isn’t mad. He doesn’t want revenge. He is just worried sick, and sad, and disappointed. He should have made Even feel safer. He should have done more to make him stay.

“Is, please.”

Right. The bag. Isak takes a deep breath and pulls the zipper open. There’s a notebook, which he doesn’t open. A pencil case. A power bank -- and a wallet.

“He doesn’t have money”, Isak says quietly. He checks the inside pocket, and his fingers meet metal. He closes his eyes. “Or his keys.”

“Okay. Issy, it’s good. It’s a good thing. It means he can’t get far. Sure, having to keep watch at home is inconvenient, but at least it shouldn’t last long.”

Isak tries to believe Jonas. That this is a good thing. It’s just hard, because thinking about Even out there on his own, without anything, is so painful. Isak lets his legs give in and sits down on the floor by the bed.

“Eskild said horrible things”, Isak whispers. “Even must be so upset.”

“It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“What if it’s not?” As soon as Isak speaks those words they become the only reality he can see. It’s not going to be okay. Nothing will be okay ever again. “You didn’t see his face. It was so empty.”

Isak knows that emptiness. He has felt it inside himself, and it’s the scariest thing ever. How do you defend yourself against nothing?

“Look, Is. I’m going to come and get you home, okay?”

“No. No.” Isak reaches for the phone and takes it in his hand. He wants to hold it, hold Jonas’ voice in his hand. It feels less lonely. “He might come back here when he cools off.”

“Should I come over to keep you company?”

Isak looks around the suite. It’s so fucking nice. It’s so fucking expensive. It’s stolen from Eskild. He can’t let Jonas see this, it’s too much.

“Please don’t. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Breathe for me.”

Isak breathes. Slow, calm breaths. Deep breaths.

“Happy?”

“Not really. But I’ll take it.”


	77. Chapter 77

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: thoughts about suicide

Isak can’t let go of Even’s bag. It’s an irrational fear, that Even would just appear out of thin air, take his things and disappear again, but it’s exactly how Even leaving made Isak feel. In a blink of an eye, Even was gone. It might happen again.

That’s the worst bit of all this, really. Isak knows Even will come home, because Jonas made him believe in it. Even will come back, because all the options are too bad to be real.

Isak is so glad it’s dark outside the window, so he can’t see the icy cold sea. He pulls the blanket tighter around himself. He is sitting by the window, his legs up on the chair under him, the strap of Even’s bag wrapped around his wrist. He tightens it too, tight enough for it to hurt a bit. He keeps his eye on the streets, desperately aware that he can’t see the entrance from this side of the building.

The sea is so dark and cold. The ice is so thin.

Isak can’t feel his fingers. He has to unwrap the tie from his wrist. He twists it around his other wrist immediately after. It felt too much like letting go. He can’t let go of Even. He has to hold on, if he doesn’t, Even will be sucked into the black water. Isak can taste the salt at the back of his throat.

It’s so absurd. He is in the suite of the Plaza. This is a world Isak has never even imagined possible for him to visit. Here he is now. In the middle of all this fancy. He is a simple guy, he doesn’t need things like this. Why does Even think he does? It must be something Isak said or did. He has been trying to remember what it could be, mostly to keep himself too busy to think about the sound of cracking ice, the stream of bubbles gradually thinning before they disappear completely.

Isak wants to close his eyes. He can’t. Even might cross the street below him exactly the same moment. Isak doesn’t know why it would matter. It’s not like Even could hear him, from all the way up here. Still, it matters. Isak can’t miss one more sight of Even ever in his life.

Isak’s phone buzzes. It’s Jonas, with his hourly report. He still hasn’t found Even. Isak gave him a list of places he knows Even goes or has gone to, and Jonas hit the streets of Oslo. Magnus and Eskild are keeping watch at home, and Isak is waiting at the suite, while Jonas is out there doing the hard bit. Though just sitting here, waiting, unable to do anything, isn’t easy either.

Isak reads the messages he has exchanged with Even. He looks for hints. Anything that might suggest that he would like expensive things. There must be something. He must have said or done something. Even didn’t make it up himself. Isak can’t find anything from the messages, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t said something out loud.

Isak glances at the bucket on the cart. He’s getting hungry, and a quick sugar rush from a mini can of coke would do wonders, but they might be able to return the unopened ones. He’ll manage. It’s not like he needs energy, he’s just sitting here, watching, waiting, hoping.

The knock on the room’s door wakes Isak up. He peels his cheek off the glass and stumbles on his feet. The city looks dark. Most of the lights are turned off. It must be late. Isak doesn’t care. Someone knocked on the door. Right? For a terrified second Isak thinks he might have been dreaming, but then they knock again.

Isak drags Even’s bag with him. It’s still strapped to his wrist. He stumbles to the door and opens it, suddenly full of foolish hope and fear. He hopes it’s Even. He fears it’s not. Then he sees Even. It really is Even. He is swaying a bit. He looks like shit. Isak grabs his coat and pulls him inside, gently, and closes the door. He wishes it could be locked.

“Am I dreaming?” Isak whispers. He touches Even’s cheek. It feels just a bit cool. “Are you really here?”

Even just nods. Barely. If Isak couldn’t practically feel the movement he would have missed it. But he nods. He is really here. Isak pulls him just a bit closer. He can smell it now, the alcohol in Even’s breath. Where did he get that from? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that Even is here. He came back. Isak wraps his arms around Even and hugs him, tight.

“I was so worried about you”, Isak whispers. Whimpers. Something like that, quiet and scared. “I’m so happy you’re okay.”

“Wrong”, Even says. Barks. He sounds angry, and Isak doesn’t understand why. Why Even sounds like that, why he pushes Isak away. Isak looks at him, confused, but all he sees is that blank face again. It scares him.

“Even?”

“I’m not okay.”

That much is obvious. Isak can only nod. He touches Even’s arm, but Even shakes it off. Isak’s relief is wearing off quickly. Even is angry. Why is he so angry?

“I didn’t mean for this to happen”, Isak tries. “I’m so sorry if I made you think I want expensive shit.”

Even flinches, visibly. Isak can almost hear him gritting his teeth. He looks so fragile.

No. Not fragile. Volatile. Isak feels his own shoulders curl up.

“Even, please. Come to bed.”

Even doesn’t move. Isak licks his lips slowly. He needs Even to stay. He will do anything. It’s just that Even doesn’t seem like he is interested in touching him. Isak can still try.

“We could pick up from where we left?”

Well, that was spectacularly stupid. Not only does it make Isak feel like shit, it also reminds Even of what interrupted them. Even steps back, the slightest bit, but it’s enough to make Isak panic.

“At least take your shoes off? And your winter clothes? You must be hot in them.”

Isak tries to grab Even’s jacket to pull it off his shoulders, but Even steps back again. He is getting closer and closer to the door, and that is just the scariest shit Isak has ever seen.

“I don’t think I can handle you leaving me twice on one night”, Isak confesses. He knows he is pathetic. He sees the disgust in Even’s eyes, and really hopes he is imagining it. “Please. Don’t go.”

Even takes Isak’s hand. Isak’s heart stops beating for a second, only to start racing immediately after. Even brings Isak’s hand up. He probably can feel it shaking. Even takes the strap of his bag in his other hand and unwraps it from Isak’s wrist.


	78. Chapter 78

Even is a fucking coward. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be in this situation right now. He would be in a car somewhere, on the passenger seat, driving to the suburbs so he can pay back for all the drinks he has been bought. They’re still buzzing in his head, but it’s not a fun buzz. It’s more like a swarm of insects, thick enough to cloud his vision and block his hearing.

In a way, Even is happy about that. It’s easier when he can’t see or hear Isak properly. Why is Isak even here? He keeps telling Even he doesn’t want these luxury things, but here he is, enjoying them anyway. The nice sheets and the ridiculous mini cans of coke. The room still has a hint of the smell of fries, too. Even’s upper lip curls up just a bit.

Isak was worried about him. Of course he was. Everyone is always worried about Even, the crazy one, the one who can come up with anything stupid and just do it simply because that’s what he does. Stupid shit. At least the cops haven’t found him yet. He has time, and some money, maybe a grand or so, and that should be enough to get him somewhere that’s not here. He can remove himself from the equation. Because he is a coward.

It feels horrible. It’s for the best. He has to stop being selfish and just get lost. He has hurt everyone in his life, and he will keep hurting them, and the thought of hurting Isak is unbearable. Even can’t betray Isak’s trust, and he knows he will, because he knows himself. That’s what he does. He uses people. Just like he did today, at the bar, he used that poor bastard to get drunk for free and then sneaked out from the back on a bathroom trip just as they were leaving together.

Isak looks so devastated. As if Even doesn’t know! He knows, he knows he has ruined everything, he knows he is a selfish asshole, he knows he is no good for anyone. He knows that all he brings is pain. It will stop now. He will make it stop. He swings the bag on his shoulder and the face Isak makes feels like someone stabs him in the chest. It’s okay, really. His heart has shriveled away.

He wants to tell Isak so many things. He wants to tell Isak how sorry he is, about everything. He wants to tell Isak he is the best, most amazing thing that has ever happened to Even. He wants to tell Isak he will miss him for the rest of his life. He doesn’t say any of those things.

“Where’s my phone?”

Isak flinches. Then he pushes his jaw forward in defiance.

“Not telling.”

Even blinks, confused. He forgets about his anger and his shame for a second, and that’s not a small feat.

“Whut?”

Isak doesn’t answer. He dashes to the bed instead. He grabs Even’s phone and holds it against his chest. Even frowns.

“That’s mine.”

“I will fight you”, Isak says, on his knees on the bed. “I’m a biter, too.”

Even can’t help it. Isak is so -- he’s so Isak, and everything Isak makes Even’s empty chest fill up with something warm and glowing. All that warmth trickles down to his legs, too, and makes them feel like overcooked noodles. They can’t hold him up anymore.

“You are?” Even half mumbles. He is so tired. He is exhausted, and he is barely able to keep standing. It kind of just now hits him, too, how drunk he is. Does he really have to leave tonight?

Isak clacks his teeth together and growls. He hides the phone behind his back, and he looks so defiant and so scared at the same time Even can’t really handle it. He gives up. Isak won. Even lets the bag drop from his shoulder at his feet. He pulls his jacket off and leaves it on the floor. Isak is watching him keenly while he’s undressing.

“Come to bed”, Isak says quietly. “Please.”

Even wants nothing more in this world right now.

Does he deserve it?

Of course not. He doesn’t deserve Isak. He should just go. He takes a step. And another step. After three steps he notices he’s going the wrong way. He isn’t walking to the door. He is walking to the bed. He collapses on his stomach on it, still wearing his shoes, and buries his face into the pillows. Isak gets off the bed. Even can’t blame him. Isak is probably going to just leave. It’s okay. Isak has always been the stronger one. Even will take a little nap and get the hell out of here himself.

Even is almost asleep when he is startled awake by someone literally pulling his foot. It’s Isak, who is struggling with his shoelaces.

“I almost kicked you”, Even mutters. Isak just hums.

“I kept my guard up.” Now that Even is awake Isak can just yank the shoes off without having to deal with the laces. “Could you turn on your back, please?”

Even makes a little protesting sound, but obeys. He rolls over and lets Isak take his hands. Isak pulls him up, so that he’s sitting on the bed, and carefully peels Even’s hoodies off. He hesitates at the T-shirt. Even nods. It’s okay. Isak nods, too, and removes the shirt too.

Isak undresses Even to his underwear. Even could do it himself, but it feels good to be looked after like this. He doesn’t deserve it, but he likes it, and Isak is giving it to him, and he is too weak to turn it down. He is so fucking weak.

“Do you need to go to the bathroom?” Isak asks. Even groans. Now that Isak mentions it, he does. He really, really isn’t feeling like walking all the way there.

“Yeah.”

Isak bends down and slips his arm under Even’s arm, to his back. He grabs Even’s wrist.

“On three. One, two, three.” On three Isak lifts and Even pushes, and they manage to get him up. His legs are still practically useless, but with Isak’s help he manages to get to the bathroom.

He seems to have formed a pattern. He goes to a bar, lets some older gentleman fill him up with booze at the promise of sex, ditches them and then needs help to get to the fucking bathroom. That’s so pathetic. Ridiculous.

When Even gets out of the bathroom Isak has undressed as well. He is so pretty Even can’t take it. He has to close his eyes. It doesn’t do him much good, he can still feel Isak’s skin and smell him. They walk back to the bed, slowly, and as Isak curls up against him under the blankets Even is so happy he could cry.

If he’s happy, why does he feel this bad?

Isak wraps his arm around Even. It feels lovely. Isak is so warm and Even likes him so much. He is so tired. He is so sorry.

“It’s okay”, Isak whispers. “I promise, everything will be okay.”

Even doesn’t believe him one bit.


	79. Chapter 79

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit short, sorry. I almost skipped the update altogether.
> 
> PS. It's my birthday, hooray! Well done being born, me!

Isak has no idea he fell asleep. He was lying in the dark, looking at Even, happy he was there and scared shitless that any moment he wouldn’t be. Then there’s a bit of nothing, a void, and now something has happened. No. Is happening. What is it? Why isn’t he awake? What woke him up?

Even is still here. Isak can feel his weight on the bed, and the warmth of his body, and that’s why he isn’t already up on his feet frantically searching. Even is here. That means everything is, or at least will be, okay. Isak almost dozes off. Then it happens again, and this time he is awake enough to understand what happened.

Even licked his dick. His hard dick. It feels really, really nice. Isak cracks his eyes and sees the gray daylight flow into the room. He sees Even under his blanket, his legs by Isak’s pillow and his feet resting against the headboard. Isak closes his eyes again just to give himself a bit more time to think. Even doesn’t know he’s awake. That means he doesn’t have to engage just yet.

It’s hard not to, when Even swirls his tongue around the tip of his dick like that. Isak forces himself to breathe normally. He isn’t awake yet. He doesn’t have to make up his mind about this yet. It feels so, so good. Even obviously wants to do this. Even is here. Isak is hard, that’s probably what sparked the idea in Even’s head in the first place. He would have woken up earlier, if Even had to make him get hard first, right?

Isak shifts his thigh, just a little bit. Even runs his tongue gently along the underside of Isak’s dick, from the root to the tip, sending a shudder of pleasure through Isak’s body. It’s so tempting. He could just give in to the desire and let the moment carry him away. A little break. He has earned one, right?

It just feels wrong. He really, really wants to talk with Even, and it’s obvious Even would rather suck Isak’s dick, and if Isak turns this down now it’s possible he will never get his dick sucked by Even ever again, and he fucking loves having his dick sucked by Even, and fuck, he is forgetting to breathe again isn’t he?

Even places his palm on Isak’s stomach. He presses down, very lightly, and that’s enough. Isak remembers the muscles he’s supposed to use when breathing, he takes a big, deep breath, and exhales with a tiny little moan as Even takes him into his warm, slick mouth.

That’s a sexy little moan. Isak tries another one. It’s almost like a whisper, or a gasp. Even might not hear it through the blanket, but Isak does, and he made it for himself anyway. To let himself see that he is enjoying this. He is, that’s true, he loves this. Even slides his lips down Isak’s dick, taking him deeper into his mouth, and Isak rests his hand on the back of his thigh to let him know he’s awake and okay with this.

As Isak hoped, that encourages Even to really go for it. He sucks on Isak harder, and licks him wetter, and uses his free hand to touch Isak’s balls. Isak would love to see him, his bouncy hair and his lovely lips, his hollowed cheeks and closed eyes, but he doesn’t want to disrupt this in any way. Even has chosen the privacy of his hiding place, and Isak lets him keep it. He closes his own eyes, rests his head on the nicest pillow he has ever rested his head on in his life, and just enjoys the ride.

It’s a nice ride. Really nice. Within minutes Isak is moaning loud enough for it to be heard probably in the hallway, let alone under the blanket. It excites him. Here he is, being super gay with the most beautiful boy in the world, and he is liking it, and he lets it show. It’s liberating. It’s hot.

Then it’s over. Isak isn’t quite sure what exactly Even is doing with his tongue, but it feels incredible, then it feels overwhelming, and just as it starts to feel unbearable it makes Isak come. He comes, into Even’s mouth, and he screams as he does so simply out of the pleasure of finally being able to do so.

Even stays under the blanket. He licks Isak clean and lowers his head on Isak’s thigh, and just stays there. At least he isn’t going anywhere. Isak tries to slide his hand between Even’s legs, but Even closes them up and Isak pulls his hand back. Okay. It’s okay.

As the last shreds of the orgasm are leaving Isak’s body and brain, he is getting more and more aware that it’s not okay. That they still have to talk, and that Even still doesn’t want to.

“Thank you”, Isak says quietly. “That felt really good.”

Even doesn’t say anything, but he does brush his lips against Isak’s thigh. Isak decides he did it on purpose. He opens his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. This isn’t the ideal time to do this. But last night taught Isak that if he waits for the ideal time, it will arrive too late.

“Even, I love you.”

Silence. Isak does his best to interpret the tone of it, but he can’t tell. Is it stunned? Shocked? Are those the same thing anyway? Is it awkward? God, Isak hopes it’s not awkward, that would be so bad, Even under the blanket and his face practically in Isak’s junk, being awkward. Isak can’t take the silence anymore.

“It’s okay if you don’t love me”, Isak lies, and he manages to sound like he really means it. Well done. “I just. Wanted to let you know.”

Even mumbles something in response. Isak can more feel his lips move than hear his words.

“Sorry, what?”

Even licks his lips. Isak can feel it, the tip of his tongue brushing against Isak’s thigh.

“Please don’t.”

Isak closes his eyes and forces the lump in his throat down.

“Don’t what?”

Please let it be  _ don’t tell me that _ and not  _ don’t love me. _ Please. Isak can keep it to himself, but he can’t stop. He loves Even, and now that he has said it out loud he knows it’s true.

“Just don’t.”


	80. Chapter 80

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some mess. This story is getting super hard to write, urgh.

Even’s feet are getting cold in this position. It almost amuses him, how it’s happening both figuratively and literally. Almost. His mind is too busy now, trying to come to terms with how awful he is. Insatiable slut, attacking a sleeping man like that. It felt like a good idea at the time. Even woke up still a bit drunk, saw Isak’s blanket being raised by something that looked super tasty, and he just. Did it. Who the fuck does something like that?

Then it was too late to stop, and all Even could do was keep going and hope Isak would like it when he woke up. Isak did. At least he let Even finish his job. At least Even could make him come. The sounds Isak was making while Even was at it were very nice. Hearing them made Even almost feel good about himself.

He’s pretty sure he enjoyed the blowjob as well. At least enough to not feel bad about it afterward. Right?

Isak has been awfully quiet. Even can’t blame him, but still, he misses Isak’s voice. He has no right to it. He has no right to hear Isak speak, especially the words he just said. Even has been showing Isak a good time, but t’s just a matter of time before he inevitably fucks up and ruins everything.

Even doesn’t want to come out from under this blanket, ever. It’s dark, and safe, and it smells like Isak in here. He is allowed to touch Isak in here. To breathe in his skin. When he’s hidden in here he can pretend he’s someone else. Someone who deserves all this.

Someone who deserves Isak’s love.

Just thinking about it makes Even’s stomach turn into a tight knot. Isak loves him. It’s at the same time the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to him. Isak loves him, but he doesn’t really know him. He doesn’t know the shit he is not only capable of, but prone to.

Except.

Even sees a spark of hope, and he grabs it with his both hands so hard he almost snuffs it out.

Isak does know. He told Even he loves him  _ after _ the stunt Even pulled last night. He heard every word Eskild screamed at him and then some, because he remained in the room while Even escaped, and oh fuck, maybe he spoke with Eskild as well. Shame sinks through Even like a cold stone that pulls him straight to the bottom of the trench. He holds on to the spark, he holds on for his life.

Fuck.

He really is holding on for his life, isn’t he? He will not survive this on his own. He has this far, he has turned his back on all his friends over and over again, but this time he might not be able to do it. He has never been this scared of himself before.

Isak touches his head through the blanket.

“You’re shaking.”

Even closes his eyes. He can do this. He has to do this. Either he does this, or he dies.

“I’m drowning.”

“No.” That’s all Isak says. Just no. Isak squirms away from under Even and just as Even is about to panic about that Isak crawls under the blanket. Along his body, finding his way in the dark by following Even’s skin. When Isak reaches his face he kisses Even, and Even can taste his despair. Isak wants something so much he can’t take it. Could that something be Even? Ever?

“I’m not going to let you drown. I’m sorry, but I just won’t.”

Even squeezes his eyes shut.

“I’m going to pull you under with me.”

“No, you’re not.” Isak sounds so sure of himself. He must be better at lying to himself than Even is. Maybe he hasn’t heard every single lie and justification many times over like Even has. Even should have the strength to tell Isak he is wrong.

“Even, look at me.”

Even opens his eyes. It’s dark. He can’t see Isak. He can feel him close, feel his breath on his cheek.

“I can’t see you.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m still here.” Isak runs his hand along Even’s upper arm, past his shoulder and to the side of his neck. “We will not drown. We are not alone.”

Even makes a small sound. Isak doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation. Them being together will not protect them from Even’s corruption. Isak presses his forehead against Even’s and keeps speaking.

“We have friends. We have help. In these past weeks I have given a shot to letting friends help me and -- it’s working. It’s really working.” Isak pauses for a second. Even can hear him swallow. “We’re not alone.”

Even should remind Isak that he doesn’t have any friends left. He had Eskild, and now Eskild has grown tired of his bullshit, for a reason. But he doesn’t want to die, and if that means lying to himself once again he will do it. He closes his eyes again and just listens to Isak’s voice. He might not believe his own lies, but maybe he can believe in Isak’s.

Isak tells him about what happened after he disappeared. How Jonas spent his night out on the streets looking for him, and Magnus promised to pay his debt, and Even knows he’s probably supposed to be feeling better but he isn’t. All he can hear is how much trouble he has caused to people he cares about. It’s okay. He should hear it. He should understand just how horrible he is.

At the same time he can’t really grasp it. He takes every word in and to his heart, and still he doesn’t fully understand them. Their full gravity. It scares him. If he doesn’t really get what Isak is saying, he will not learn anything from this. He will repeat the same mistakes, just like he has always done.

He should tell Isak about this. He should let Isak know what’s going on in his head, but he isn’t sure of it himself. He doesn’t know what’s wrong, he just knows that something is, terribly, terribly wrong, and he suspects it’s just him.

“Even, I need you to listen to me for a bit”, Isak says. “Can you do that? Just for a moment?”

Even nods. Maybe. He is focusing on listening to Isak, and that’s taking his full brain capacity.

“Tomorrow we will call your doctor and tell them you’re not well. This has got to stop. You need help, and we will not rest until you get it.” Isak takes Even’s face in his hands. They feel a bit cool against his cheeks. “You don’t have to feel like this forever.”

Maybe not forever. But over and over again can be almost as bad. Especially if you can’t take one more time without snapping for good.

“There. You can stop listening now.”

Isak wraps his arms around Even and pulls his head against his chest. He kisses Even’s hair, and his heart is beating like a war drum. He told Even he could stop listening but he doesn’t. He listens to that beat.


	81. Chapter 81

Magnus hasn’t been this nervous about seeing Even since their date. Still, he has to do this. He hasn’t been the best friend he could be, and it’s about time for him to step up his game. Sure, he paid off Even’s and Eskild’s debt, but that was simple. That was just money, a couple of clicks on a screen. This is something else entirely. And way overdue.

It’s not his first rodeo. He knows he can do this. He also knows how much it hurts. He has tried to prepare himself for this. He has rehearsed this conversation with Kitty, and she has been really good at it. Luckily she has also been really good at comforting Magnus afterwards, and knowing that he can go and curl up against her when this is done helps significantly. He can do this.

Magnus takes a deep breath and enters the apartment. He has the spare key, mostly because Isak is too lazy to come let him in. Magnus never comes here without letting either Eskild or Isak know about it beforehand, and this time he has Isak’s blessing. Isak knows what he’s come here to do.

After peeling off his winter clothes Magnus walks to Isak’s door and knocks on it. He is so, so nervous. He hasn’t seen Even since Isak brought him home almost two weeks ago. Nobody has, except Isak. It’s not okay. Isak can’t carry Even on his shoulders alone, and it’s time to do something about this. When Magnus sees the fear and relief in Isak’s eyes as Isak comes to open the door he wishes he came sooner.

“Hi”, Magnus says, and hugs Isak. The air in the room is like a wall. It’s so stuffy. It smells like giving up. Too bad, Even, nobody is giving up on Magnus’ watch. “Thank you for letting me do this.”

Isak glances at Even, nervously. Even is lying on the bed, his back to the door, curled up under the blanket. Magnus decides to talk with Isak first, for a bit.

“Could you make us some coffee?” Magnus asks Isak, who nods. He turns to look at Even properly now.

“Even, I’ll be right back. Do you want anything from the kitchen?”

Even just shrugs. Magnus bites on the inside of his cheek. It’s no wonder Isak looks so exhausted. Magnus knows from experience how bad this can get. How frustrating and consuming this is. He can only hope he can help with that. At least he can give Isak a little breather in the kitchen.

“How are you doing?” Magnus asks Isak when they sit down with their coffee. He didn’t ask before the coffee was done, because Isak really looked like he could use the ritual of making some. Just making something, with expected and pleasurable results, can become so important in situations like this.

“I’m -- I don’t know”, Isak sighs. He looks brave. It kind of breaks Magnus’ heart. You shouldn’t have to be brave when you’re young and in love.

“It doesn’t feel important?” Magnus asks. “After all, you’re not the one crippled by your illness? Been there. It really sucks, and you’re not doing him any favours by exhausting yourself completely.”

Isak just shrugs and tries to sink into his coffee cup. Magnus reaches across the table and touches his arm.

“I’m not telling you off. I know what it is like. That why I’m worried about you, too. I practically got a burn out when I was thirteen because I tried to be strong for too long.”

Isak shakes his head.

“I’m okay. A bit tired, but it’s not like I’m doing much anyway.” Isak pauses, biting his lip. Magnus lets him gather his thoughts. “I’m so fucking worried about him. It’s been two weeks. Shouldn’t his medication have started working by now?”

“It can take time”, Magnus says. He does his best to sound comforting and supportive, and he is pretty good at it, if he says so himself. “If there’s no effect at all, you should contact his doctor again. He might need some tweaking.”

Isak nods. He looks sad. Magnus sips his coffee, to give Isak time to say something if he wants to, but he doesn’t say anything.

“How about you? Has your medication kicked in?”

“I don’t know. At least I sleep now.”

Magnus nods. That’s good. That’s so good. Sleep is so important.

“Does Even sleep?”

“Most of the day. He says it’s a side effect that will pass, but --” Isak runs out of voice. Magnus gives his arm a little pat.

“But it’s been two weeks. I’d wait for a few days more, and if there’s still no change, contact his doctor.”

Isak nods.

“Thank you. For doing this. I don’t know what else I could do. Nothing helps.”

“This might not help either”, Magnus has to remind Isak. “It might make things temporarily worse.”

“I don’t care. Something has to happen. Maybe he will listen to you. You can be meaner to him than I can.”

Isak is right. Magnus can be mean to Even, he can tell Even uncomfortable truths. He can push Even further, because he is risking less than Isak would be. Even is important to him, a dear friend, but Magnus doesn’t have his whole heart at stake. Besides, his heart can take a breaking, it’s strong enough right now.

“I should probably get started. And you should eat something. Do you have anything in the house?”

Isak doesn’t know, so he checks. There is nothing, just a dried up slice of toast, and a half eaten popsicle in the freezer. Magnus unlocks his phone and opens the food delivery app.

“Get anything you like. For Even, too, just in case he agrees to eat something. My treat.”

Isak looks at the phone. Then he looks at Magnus.

“I would never, ever leave you alone with my unlocked phone”, Isak says quietly. “I’m sorry about that. I really am.”

Magnus nods slowly. Is Isak trying to tell him something? Is he reading too much into this? He takes his phone back. If it was just his secrets Isak could be digging through, it wouldn’t matter, but there are messages and pictures from Kitty that are for Magnus’ eyes only.

“I’ll just order some pizza and coke.”

After ordering the food and telling Isak for the third time he isn’t mad Magnus finally makes his way towards Isak’s room. He knocks on the door before opening it. The stuffiness hits him again, and his first move after closing the door is opening the window.

“Even? It’s me.”

Even makes a sound to acknowledge Magnus’ presence. It’s something. It’s a start. Magnus decides to crack the door to create some draft. It also gives Even time to get accustomed to Magnus being here. This is probably the first time in two weeks when he’s been with anyone else than Isak.

When Magnus can breathe somewhat normally he closes the door and the window. Then he pulls himself a chair and takes a seat.

“Could you turn around? You don’t have to look at me, but I’d like to see you.”

It takes a while, but Even rolls over on his back. He isn’t looking at Magnus. Magnus isn’t surprised.

“The high has ended, huh?” Magnus asks. He gets to remind Even that he knows what’s going on. “You must be exhausted.”

Even doesn’t say anything. But he is listening. He’s bipolar, not brain dead.

“Isak needs you to try, Even.” That does it. Mentioning Isak makes Even look at him. Just a quick little peek, but Magnus catches it. “He has come so far in just a few months. He is shining. He has grown so much, and I couldn’t be prouder of him.”

Even peeks at him again. Magnus does his best to keep as calm as possible.

“He needs you to take part in this, because if you don’t, his light will die. He will keep ramming himself into your walls, and it will wear him out sooner or later. You have to take part in your own healing. Isak can’t help you all on his own.”

There’s a dark flash in Even’s eyes before they turn away. Magnus recognises it. It’s shame.

“I know it’s hard. I know you’re tired. I also know you want to curl up into your illness because that’s how it works. It whispers in your ear, telling you it’s what you deserve, but it’s lying. It’s holding you in its arms, but it’s also holding you back.”

Even turns his back on Magnus. It doesn’t matter, as long as he is listening.

“I haven’t known you for long, but even I can tell the difference. When we met, when we had our date and all that drama, you were going somewhere. Now you have stopped. That’s what having a mental illness does to you. It stops you. Especially if you let it, and right now you are letting it.”

Magnus isn’t happy about having to tell Even this. But someone has to. Isak can’t take it much longer. He is putting on a brave face, but he will run out of brave eventually.

“I don’t mean it’s something you can just turn on and off, or ignore. I know you are tired and hurt, and I know you really, genuinely believe you don’t deserve more. I’m just asking you to have the courage to aspire for more anyway. There are people who can and want to help you, but they can’t do anything if you don’t let them. And that’s just what I’m asking here. Let people help. Work with them. Just a little bit. Please.”

Even still doesn’t say anything. Magnus gets up. He has said his piece, and anything further would either make him repeat himself or say something he shouldn’t.

“We ordered pizza. If you want to give Isak enough hope to last for at least a week, eat a slice or two with him. I think he has earned that much.”

And that’s Magnus’ cue to leave. He is definitely about to enter the saying-something-he-shouldn’t-territory here. Even doesn’t need one bit more guilt than he is already feeling. Magnus could say the worst things he could ever come up with, and they wouldn’t get close to the things Even is telling himself. Magnus knows all this. He stops at the door, and looks at Even one more time.

“Work with us. That’s all.”

The smell of pizza greets Magnus in the stairs on his way out. For some irrational reason it gives him hope.


	82. Chapter 82

Isak is dying to know what Magnus said to Even. He tried texting Mags and asking him, but Magnus told him to ask Even. Isak isn’t sure if he wants to. He has been asking Even things for two weeks, and Even hasn’t answered him, and it is getting harder. Talking with Magnus, having an actual, real conversation with someone, made Isak remember what it’s like.

He wants more of that.

He wants that with Even.

Isak has read about Even’s illness, page after page and thread after thread, and he knows this is temporary. He knows Even will be back some day. It doesn’t make this any easier, but it gives him strength. All he has to worry about is making it one more day. One more hour. One more minute. Even has it worse, and he is pushing through. There’s no reason Isak couldn’t do the same.

The pizza and coke made Isak feel a bit better. Even didn’t want any, so Isak ate in the kitchen, like an actual, normal person, and it felt good. He’s sipping his drink slowly, in part because he is stuffed, and in part because he doesn’t want to return to his room just yet.

That feels wrong. Isak should want to go to Even. His heart is yearning for Even, his proximity, his gravity, like a planet constantly falling into the Sun. But just like the planet, Isak keeps missing. As he falls, Even moves, and Isak is stuck in his orbit. Falling past him over and over again, unable to escape the pull.

Isak empties the can and sighs. Time to go. He grabs the other can with him just in case Even would agree to some sugar and caffeine after all, and drags his feet all the way to his room. He takes a deep breath and enters.

It takes him a split second to understand what has happened. He notices immediately that something has changed. Then he smells the freshness in the air. Then he sees Even sitting on the bed, his legs crossed, leaning over his phone.

Isak knows he shouldn’t make a big deal out of this. A deal, yes, but he should hold the confetti for now. Instead he locks his door and walks to the bed. He hands the can over to Even, and Even takes it. Their fingers brush against each other, and it’s ridiculous how  _ enough _ that feels. Isak can do this, he can do anything, if Even’s fingers only brush at his every once in a while.

“What is it?” Even asks. His voice is low and a bit rough around the edges. He hasn’t used it much lately.

“I just. I love you”, Isak manages to say. He licks his lips quickly. They taste salty. He wipes his cheeks, and his eyes. “Sorry. It’s been rough.”

Even doesn’t answer. He just looks at Isak for a moment. Isak looks back, and he must be imagining things, but something about Even is different. Whatever it was that Magnus said to Even, it might have worked.

“I was thinking about things while I was eating”, Isak says quietly. Even keeps looking at him. He looks like he is actually listening, which is why Isak wants to say this right now. “I was thinking about you, and what you’re going through, and I noticed something. I don’t want to escape. I hate this, you feeling this bad, and I want this to stop, but I don’t want to run away from this. From you.”

Even is still looking at Isak. It’s not much, but it feels like a lot. It’s been a while. Even has been there, right next to Isak, but he has felt distant. Like he’s not really here.

“I’m sorry”, Even finally sighs. “I’m sorry you haven’t looked like this in days.”

Isak blushes. He hasn’t noticed Even looking at him.

“Like what?”

“Shining.” Even nods, pleased with his choice of word. “Magnus was right about you. He was probably right about me, too.”

Isak nods, because he doesn’t know what else to do.

“What did he say?”

“That I should work with you. Try to get better.” Even wraps his fingers tighter around the coke can. He cracks it open. The simple mundaneness of the act makes Isak fill with sudden, probably misguided hope.

Thank you, Magnus. Thank you so much.

Even sips his coke. The fizz makes him sneeze, and for a second everything feels almost normal again. That second gives Isak strength.

“You can take your time”, Isak says, now that he’s able to. “I will be here. I will wait.”

Even shakes his head.

“You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t wait for me, because I might never arrive.”

Isak is so happy they’re talking that he barely cares about what is being said. Even is right. He might never return to the man Isak fell in love with. He is missing an important point, though.

“No”, Isak corrects. “I’m not waiting  _ for you. _ You are here. This -- this is you. I love you.”

Isak takes Even’s free hand between his.

“From what I’ve come to understand about your illness is that there is no real you beneath it. You’re not going to become your normal self, because this is your normal self. It’s entwined in you, for the rest of your life, ever present, ever returning. I’m not waiting for you, I’m waiting for you to start living again. With me.”

Even lowers the can slowly to the floor. He covers his eyes with his hand. His shoulders shake a little, once, twice. Isak crawls closer to Even and pulls him against his chest.

“We can do it. We will make it. I will not stop believing for both of us until you believe it too.”

Even believed in them once before. He can do it again. Isak is certain of that, and scared to death that he’s wrong.

He’s not wrong. Love is the strongest power in the universe. Loving Even has made Isak happier, it has made him a better person, and -- oh, fuck.

What if Even just won’t love him, ever? What if he’ll never fall in love with Isak?

“Isak?” Even half whispers, half mumbles against Isak’s chest. He raises his head to look at Isak. He looks worried. “What is it?”

Isak doesn’t know what to say. If he just asks, will it make Even notice that yes, that love thing is actually not going to happen? If he doesn’t ask, will his heart be able to take the constant, nagging doubt?

“I’m -- I’m waiting for something else, too”, Isak finally confesses. Even cocks his head. Just say it. Get it over with. Isak has to turn his eyes away from Even before continuing. “I’m waiting for you to love me.”

Isak closes his eyes. He can’t look at Even, he’s. He’s ashamed. He has no claim over Even, or his love, and he has managed to make this all about him. This is the first time in two weeks Even has the strength to have a conversation, and Isak just throws him into the deep end. Love me, love me or else. Or else what?

“Isak.” Even’s voice sounds firmer now. Solid. He places his hand on Isak’s chest. He takes Isak’s hand and puts it against his own chest. “Breathe with me.”

Isak can feel Even’s chest move under his hand. He tries to move his own chest in the same rhythm. Slow, calm breaths, guided by Even’s palm. It doesn’t take long for him to calm down. The issue is still present, though. Isak opens his eyes and looks at Even.

“I’m so, so sorry. You’re under no obligation to love me just because I love you. You don’t owe me anything.”

Even chuckles. Isak really tries to stop himself, but he can’t help it. He has missed that sound so much, and hearing it feels so good. Isak shouldn’t allow it, but his heart is filled with hope.

“Oh, Isak. I owe you my life.”

Isak doesn’t notice he’s holding his breath before Even tells him to breathe. He is so scared, and so hopeful, and so head over heels in love that there isn’t room for air in his chest.

“Come here”, Even says, guiding Isak to lie down with him. Isak follows him. He curls up against Even, and Even pulls him closer.


	83. Chapter 83

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit short, sorry. I started too late in the day.
> 
> This chapter has been inspired by TheGirlNoOneKnows5, I really owe them one!

Ever since he was old enough for the concept of a romantic relationship to seem appealing, Even has wanted one. He has wanted a love story, something so powerful and deep that his very core would be shaken. A romance of epic proportions, written in the stars, exhilarating and exhausting. A love so grand that it would outlive the people feeling it.

He never expected it to be anything but a tragedy.

He never expected his life to be, either.

Now he is lying on a bed, on his side, facing a sleeping boy. The boy tried so hard, he really did, despite Even telling him over and over again that it’s okay, he doesn’t need company, or a babysitter. Finally his medication got the best of him and he drifted to sleep. Even isn’t sleepy. He has slept so much today.

Wait, where was he?

Right. The tragedy. Even has never aspired for more. He has always known that there’s ultimately no use in going for a happily ever after, on any aspect of his life, because he knows he will fuck up anyway. It would only make sense, that his love story would end exactly as badly as everything else has, and is going to.

Even has ruined his every friendship. He has been laid off from every job. He has failed at all his studies. It took him a while, but he managed to wear out the only partner he’s ever had. His whole life has been a series of failures and shortcomings, and he has learned the hard way that everything, absolutely everything, will end badly. Hell, even his first kiss with a boy was a disaster. He thought it was going to be the one, his grand love story, but he didn’t get even through the prologue.

Isak shifts in his sleep. Even holds his breath, keeping as quiet as possible. He doesn’t want to wake Isak up. Isak needs his sleep, and he looks so pretty when he’s sleeping. Even waits for a moment, and then relaxes. Isak didn’t wake up. Even can keep looking at him. As if that’s not all he has been doing for two weeks already.

Even licks his lips slowly. He tries to imagine how this is going to end. He tries to see himself walk out the door and never come back. Or, if he’s honest to himself, it’s not him leaving. One day Isak probably just decides he’s had enough, packs his bags and leaves the keys on the side table. Even does his best to focus on the keys, on the sound they make when they land on the wood for the last time, and it’s all so cinematic that it doesn’t make Even sad, or scared, just melancholy.

It doesn’t feel real. It looks like a movie. It looks like an epic romance with a tragic ending, following Even’s script to the letter. It’s his favourite story. He has told it to himself so many times over. He has played it out in his head line by line, perfected the camerawork, chosen the soundtrack. He knows the scene through and through. He fucks up over and over, his partner finally understands he isn’t worth all the trouble, and they leave.

All he needs are the actors. He looks at Isak, and he tries his hardest to cast him in the part Even has written. He tries to hear Isak’s voice recite the lines. Isak keeps breaking character. He looks at Even from the corner of his eye and smiles for no reason. He touches Even’s arm when he’s passing by. He forgets to put the keys on the table.  _ I’ll call you when I’m there, _ Isak says, half way out the door, and Even hurries to him, to kiss him one more time.

Even has to close his eyes for a moment. Deep breaths. It’s weird. It has never occurred to him that his love story could have a happily ever after. He has imagined that whoever he has picked up from the club during a manic episode would be the one he’s going to ride to the sunset and spend the rest of his life with, but this is different. This is the Story. He knows how it ends.

Isak makes a sound. Even opens his eyes. Isak yawns and rubs his face. He looks at Even through his fingers, but Even can tell he’s smiling. He will never grow tired of Isak’s smile.

“Hey”, Isak whispers.

“Go to sleep. It’s night.”

Isak yawns again. He scoots closer to Even and curls up against him, still half asleep. Even kisses his hair. Improvisation.

“Mmh. That’s nice”, Isak mumbles. He is so cosy and comfortable. It’s making Even feel warm and fuzzy. He kisses Isak’s hair again, slower. It smells so good. Being here feels so good. Even didn’t think he could feel good ever again. Not like this. This isn’t like the high, where he is feeling so good so much that it starts to feel bad. This is smaller. This is better.

This might actually work. He could be happy with Isak. For ever after. Isak could keep coming back, and Even could keep coming back, and he could burn his perfect script. The warmth keeps spinning inside him, growing with every round, spreading through his whole body.

“I love you”, Even mutters, on the edge of Isak’s sleep, into his hair. Isak makes a tiny sound, a question, but he’s too gone to actually form words. He is probably too asleep to remember this, either. Even has his lines down, but he could work on his timing with the delivery, it seems.

It was more for him, anyway. He needed to hear himself tell Isak he loves him, so he can tell if it sounds true. It does. Isak sighs softly and relaxes against him, succumbing to sleep again. Even’s arm is falling asleep too, but it doesn’t matter. He isn’t going anywhere.


	84. Chapter 84

Isak wakes up alone. He slips his hand between the sheets and feels the residual warmth. Even is probably in the bathroom, then. Isak yawns and rolls over on his stomach, to bury his face into Even’s pillow. He loves sleeping next to Even. It feels safe. Isak has thought he would carry the weight, that he would be the one taking care of Even, but Even is taking care of him too. Breathing into his hair, holding him close.

Telling him he loves him.

Isak opens his eyes, suddenly wide awake. Even said it last night, didn’t he? Was Isak dreaming? He was almost asleep. He was next to Even, cuddled by him, and Even said  _ something _ into his hair. Isak pushes his hand through his hair, like he could find the letters still tangled in there somewhere. Feel their edges, are they soft or sharp.

Why did Even say it when Isak was barely awake? Whispered in the dark, like a secret, or --

A goodbye.

Isak sits up too fast. Everything goes black for a second. Isak presses his fingertips on his forehead and takes a couple of deep breaths. It’s hard. It’s so hard to breathe, but he tries. He tries his very best. He has to breathe, so his legs will start working, so he can run to the door and see if Even’s things are still here. And then to Even’s door, to see if it’s locked, to beat on it with his both fists, throwing a couple of kicks in there as well just for good measure. He will need his legs for that, too.

It takes him a few terrible seconds stretching into minutes to get his legs into co-operation. When he finally does, he struggles his way to the door and out through it. He sees Even’s shoes are still here. Seeing them calms him down less than he expected. Even might have another pair Isak just hasn’t seen before, right? Isak heads for Even’s room next. The door is unlocked. Isak opens it. Even’s not in there. The bathroom is empty, as is the kitchen. Isak’s head is spinning.

Eskild’s eyebrows almost hit the ceiling when he opens the door Isak has been banging and kicking. Took his sweet time coming to answer it, too. Isak has to catch his breath before he can speak. He also needs to remember how words work. Eskild is better at it than Isak is.

“Is there a fire?”

Isak shakes his head. Come on, idiot. Speak!

“I know you hate Even but he’s gone. We have to find him.”

Eskild doesn’t seem to understand the urgency. He isn’t even looking at Isak. He is doing his best to look anywhere else than at Isak, and that’s just rude. Eskild should get over his issue with Even, especially since Magnus made the debt disappear and all.

“Stop being such a drama queen!” Isak yells and shoves Eskild’s shoulder. Not hard, just to drive his point home. Eskild rolls his eyes and huffs.

“I’m not the one running around naked kicking doors the second I lose sight of my crush.”

“He’s not my crush, he’s my boyfriend”, Isak corrects Eskild, before everything Eskild just said has registered. When it hits Isak, he looks down at himself and yes, he is naked. He was in such a hurry to go look for Even he forgot to put on even any underwear. Fuck. He doesn’t have time to care.

“It’s a dick, Eskild, you have seen a dozen of them this month alone. Even is missing!”

“Oh there is a dick at my door alright”, Eskild hisses.

“Stop being a bitch and help me!”

“A bitch? Look who’s talking. I should just close this door in your face.”

Isak doesn’t think twice. He barely thinks once. He drops on his knees on the floor. Here he is, naked and on his knees in front of Eskild, not afraid to beg.

“Please. You can yell at me later, now we have to find Even.”

Eskild rolls his eyes again, turns his back on Isak and pushes his door all the way open on his way into his room. Isak sees Even, sitting on Eskild’s bed, looking equal parts guilty and confused.

“Even?” Isak peeps. Eskild sits down on his chair and flings his leg over the other one.

“Found him. What’s my reward?”

Isak can barely hear him over the thunder in his chest. Even is here. He is here and Isak is an idiot. He didn’t trust Even. He should have trusted Even. Why didn’t he? Isak slumps down, pressing his palms on the floor, defeated. They’re not going to make it. Even will get tired of Isak not trusting him, and Isak will get tired of the insecurity, and sooner or later it will end.

Eskild gets up, takes a blanket and throws it around Isak’s shoulders.

“Come on. Let’s get you some clothes.”

Isak lets Eskild help him up and walk him to his room. Even follows right after them. He still hasn’t said anything. Isak understands, he is upset and angry. For a reason. It still feels horrible. As soon as he gets rid of Eskild, Isak is going to have a total meltdown. He can’t wait to fall apart.

Isak pulls on the underwear, the joggers and the t-shirt Eskild brings him. The shirt is Even’s, but Isak really wants Eskild gone now so he just puts it on and tries to deal with Even’s scent. It’s hard. When the very last bit of it has evaporated Isak will miss it for the rest of his sorry life.

“We can finish our talk later”, Eskild tells Even, who nods. “Take care of your boy. I’m too pissed off to perform right now.”

With that, Eskild exits the room. He closes the door behind him, leaving Isak alone with Even and the silence between them. It feels heavy. It makes breathing a chore. Isak still tries to keep doing it.

“Do you need a pill?” Even asks. Isak shakes his head. He might need one, but he doesn’t want one. He should have a clear head for this conversation -- though his head is pretty far from clear right now. There’s so much going on. Even’s words to him last night. Even’s disappearance. Isak’s panic. Even and Eskild talking, Isak running around naked and insulting Eskild while he was at it, and Eskild still looking after him at least to some extent.

“You love me”, Isak says, just to get it out. It sounds a lot like an accusation. Isak turns his eyes to Even. “You told me you love me.”

Even hesitates, but then he nods.

“Yes. I love you.”

Isak owes him an explanation. He needs to tell Even why hearing Even say the very words Isak has been waiting for is making Isak feel terrible. He needs to break Even’s heart.

“I thought you were saying goodbye.”

Isak watches his words hit Even right in the sternum. First the words penetrate his chest, and then the shrapnel of their meaning bursts through it from the inside out. All that is left is a gaping hole. Mission accomplished, sir.

“I’m so sorry.”


	85. Chapter 85

Jonas hasn’t said anything in a long time. He has just been sitting there on Isak’s bed, his legs crossed, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. Isak doesn’t know what to do, other than wait, so he does just that. He waits. He has told Jonas about his latest blunder, and after laughing at Isak for a minute straight Jonas buried his face in his hands and hasn’t moved since.

Finally, Jonas sighs.

“You two are the most frustrating couple of idiots I have ever heard of”, Jonas groans through his fingers. He lets his hands drop in his lap and looks at Isak. “Seriously, dude, what the fuck?”

Isak doesn’t have an answer. He didn’t expect this response.

“What?”

“I’m actually considering putting up 24/7 surveillance on you two. You need to be monitored constantly so you don’t fuck this up!”

Isak still doesn’t understand. Is Jonas mad at him? He’s supposed to be supporting his best friend in his crisis. Jonas must see Isak’s confusion on his face.

“Everyone is shipping you two, Is. For a reason.”

“Shipping? You’ve been talking about us with Eskild?”

Jonas shrugs.

“I’ve been talking about you with many people, and they all agree. You should be together. You have worked so hard to be together, and still you’re willing to throw it all away so easily. It’s infuriating.”

Easily? There was nothing easy about yesterday. Nothing. It was one of the worst days in Isak’s life, and last night sleeping alone was equally bad. Isak called Jonas as soon as it wasn’t way too early for it, and he woke Jonas up, and here Jonas is now, obviously cranky because he’s tired.

“Okay. Let me try to explain it to you so you can understand it”, Jonas says. He looks at Isak firmly. “You love Even. Even loves you. You live together, and still you’re apart, because despite all your progress you’re still scared. The worst bit is, that you both are scared of things you two could easily face together.”

Isak shakes his head. No. Jonas doesn’t get it. It’s not that simple.

“I lost sight of Even for a minute, and I was convinced he had gone. How can anyone build anything on something that brittle? Relationships are based on trust, and it’s obvious I don’t trust Even.”

“Can you?” Jonas asks, arching his bushy brow. “Is Even a person to be trusted?”

“Not always”, Isak mumbles. “Fuck. This is just. This is bullshit.”

“Mm-hm.” Jonas cocks his head and leans in a bit closer. “You’ve got that right. But, tell me something. When you thought Even had gone, thus betraying your trust, why did you want to find him desperately enough to go after him naked?”

“I thought he was going to do something to himself”, Isak snaps. Maybe Jonas isn’t the cranky one here. Jonas nods.

“Okay. I’m just having trouble understanding how you weren’t trusting Even. You thought he wasn’t well. That’s different.”

“Maybe technically. In practice, what happened was that I took Even’s greatest shame and threw it in his face. In front of his friend.”

“Shouldn’t he be the one having issues trusting you, then?”

“Why are you twisting my arm? You’re supposed to be my best friend!”

“You can always give the position to Magnus”, Jonas shrugs. “Though I’m convinced he would be telling you the same thing I am. He’s shipping you more than anyone.”

“Stop using that word, it’s stupid!”

“Fine. Your friends are rooting for you. We want you both to be happy, and it’s clear that you’re not happy when you’re not together.”

“We’re not happy together, either”, Isak protests. His protest is lacking power, though. He isn’t sure if it’s completely true. Being around Even does make everything better.

“Bullshit. I’ve seen you.”

“No offense, Jonas, but you didn’t see my depression for years.”

Jonas brings his hand on his chest.

“Yes offense! Is taking people’s greatest shames and throwing them in their faces your MO or something?” Jonas sounds like he’s laughing. That’s definitely his MO. “I fucked up. Royally. You still love me. Right?”

Isak nods. Yes. He loves Jonas, and now is not the time for banter and joking around.

“I’m the last guy to give anyone relationship advice”, Jonas continues. “However, you have something really great going on with Even. It’s not easy, especially since you both are so messed up, but it seriously looks like you two could clear the mess more efficiently if you work together.”

Isak sighs. Jonas is making sense. That’s fresh.

“Putting two piles of mess together usually makes double the mess.”

“I don’t know, dude. It’s like cleaning your room. You start by moving stuff around, making the mess worse and worse, and then all of a sudden things start finding their places. In the end, the double mess takes less than half the time to clear than the original mess.”

Isak stares at Jonas in disbelief.

“Are you comparing my mental illness to a messy room?”

“Sure, not one of my greatest analogies, but it does the job. Besides, I’ve seen your room.”

Isak can’t help it. He laughs. Jonas chuckles, too, and just like that, things seem a tiny bit lighter again.

“You really think we could make it?”

“I can’t see the future, Is. But I really, really think you two should give it a shot.”

Even pulls the pillow tighter over his face. He isn’t trying to suffocate himself, he’s just trying to hide. The seclusion of his room doesn’t feel enough. Isak is just behind the wall. Even has been wearing his headphones non-stop ever since retreating here, to keep himself from spying on Isak’s every move. It would be invasive.

Even has done enough damage already.

He left Isak. He thought Isak could forgive him, forget about it, but he was wrong. When he left Isak alone in that suite he made a wound that would never heal properly. Isak would always, forever, expect Even will leave again. Even isn’t sure he can handle a responsibility like that.

No. He is sure. He can’t. He will leave, because his brain will tell him it’s not a big deal, that it’s just  _ for a minute _ and that minute will stretch into an hour, maybe a day, maybe several days, because that’s what he fucking does. He hurts people. He saw Isak on his knees without any clothes, he saw the pain and distress, and he knows he caused it. He was careless, and Isak got hurt, and he can’t take it happening again.

Even screams into his pillow, mostly because it’s melodramatic enough to suit his mood. Indulging himself in things like that make his thoughts feel slightly more distant. Slightly easier to handle. He screams again, so loud that he almost misses the knock on his door. Then the knock is repeated, and Even realizes he heard one just seconds ago. He pulls the pillow off his face. The rush of oxygen makes him feel light headed, and he stumbles a bit on his way to the door.

It’s Isak. Even’s legs turn into mush immediately, and his heart into a cloud. One gust of wind and it will be dissolved, gone forever. Even holds his breath, scared of the turbulence.

“Hey”, Isak says.

“Hey”, Even answers, maybe, he isn’t sure if it’s just his lips shaking.

His hand is definitely shaking when Isak reaches out and takes it.


	86. Chapter 86

Isak pulls on Even’s hand gently. Or maybe it’s Even pulling on Isak’s hand. Anyway, there is a pull, undeniably, and they follow that force into Even’s room. It’s been a while since they have been here together. Last time they were, Isak wasn’t really there. Issy was. Now Issy is gone. Even hasn’t seen him in ages, and as he looks at Isak now, he can’t see a trace of anyone else. It’s just Isak.

Isak is so beautiful Even almost misses how scared he looks. Almost. He raises his other hand on Isak’s cheek.

“What is it?” Even asks, maybe, he can’t really hear his own voice.

“I’m not well”, Isak confesses. There is no news there. Even knows Isak isn’t well, and it makes his heart ache whenever he remembers it. Like now.

“Me neither.”

“Does that scare you?” Isak asks, and he looks like someone who needs to be told there’s no reason to be scared. Even can’t be that someone.

“Yes. Terribly.”

Isak nods. He closes his eyes and turns his face a little bit. Just enough to kiss the inside of Even’s wrist. His lips are a bit cool, but they’re soft. Even has missed them. Here they are now, touching his skin, so lightly.

“All my life I have been scared”, Isak says, placing his hand on Even’s. “Of many things. Mostly of myself.”

“Been there”, Even half chuckles, half sighs. He isn’t sure how to feel. He is so happy and so worried at the same time. Isak is here. But he could disappear any second, possibly forever.

“I’m not scared of me anymore.” Isak pauses. Even can taste the blunt, metallic taste of the  _ but _ in the air. He tries to take a deep breath, to brace himself. “But you have introduced a new fear to me.”

There it is. The but. Even’s mouth feels parched. He can’t speak. He can only listen.

“I know I should trust you. You deserve to be trusted, just as much as anyone else, but -- I can’t. I wish I could promise you what happened yesterday wouldn’t happen again, but I can’t. If you disappear unexpectedly, I will go mental. I know I will, and.” Isak looks down for a second. Then he raises his eyes to Even’s again. He is begging. “Can you accept that? That I will not be able to trust you, maybe ever?”

Even wants to say yes right away. He is willing to say and do anything to make Isak’s eyes stop looking like that. He can promise anything, anything at all, but he shouldn’t. Not lightly.

“I shouldn’t be trusted”, Even whispers. Isak knows it already. If he didn’t, Even wouldn’t be able to tell him. “I can’t be.”

Isak nods. His lips tickle on Even’s skin with the motion.

“I know. I’m here to tell you I am prepared to deal with that. I’m also here to ask you, are you? Could you?”

That is the question, right? Could Even deal with not being someone Isak can trust. Isak looks scared, and he is begging, but when Even looks closer, deeper into those lovely green eyes, he sees more. He sees the strength. He sees the love.

Even presses his fingers a bit tighter against Isak’s cheek.

“I don’t know. Could we find out, together?”

Even can feel Isak’s relief just as clearly as he can see it. Isak smiles, and nods, and lets go of Even’s hand so he can bring his own hand behind Even’s neck.

“Yes. Yes. Please, yes.”

Isak pulls Even into a kiss. Even arrives, willingly and with great enthusiasm. He kisses Isak. It takes less than a second of lip contact for Even’s body to take over his mind. He pushes Isak’s back against the door, making Isak wrap his arms tighter around him, to pull him closer. Even is more than happy to oblige. Kissing Isak feels like home. It feels safe, and important, and sacred. His mouth is so familiar by now, but Even will never get tired of it.

“Take me to bed”, Isak sighs into the kiss. Even’s knees go weak. He leans tighter against Isak, just to keep upright, and makes a tiny sound. It gets muffled by Isak’s mouth. Isak nudges his body against Even. “Please. Now.”

Yes. Yes. Now. Even forces his legs to work, and walks backwards to his bed. Isak follows him, locked in their kiss, unable and unwilling to let it break. It’s a bit tricky to get them both on the bed without stopping kissing, but they manage to do it. Isak crawls on top of Even. His hunger has been unleashed. He is desperate for Even. There is no reason to be desperate. Even is here. Even is here for Isak.

Even slips his hand under Isak’s shirt, to touch his lower back. His skin is almost burning hot. It’s so smooth. Even’s fingertips slide on it effortlessly, in feathery touches, that make Isak stumble in the kiss, to Even’s great delight. He can taste Isak wants this, that he wants Even, and that feels incredibly good.

They have to stop kissing in order to get rid of their shirts. Even takes advantage of the opportunity. He presses his hand on Isak’s chest, keeping him from descending into another kiss, and looks at him. He is so beautiful. There is this peace about him, a warmth, a glow.

“I love you”, Even whispers. “I do. I love you.”

Even wishes with all his heart that Isak doesn’t hear a goodbye in his words. He didn’t put one there, but that doesn’t mean one can’t still be found. Maybe Isak isn’t looking for it.

Isak smiles.

“I love you. Can we get back to kissing now?”

Even slides his hand from Isak’s chest to the back of his neck and pulls him down into a kiss. Isak’s bare skin feels so good against Even’s. Almost better than his lips against Even’s lips. When Isak kisses him like this, it’s hard to beat it.

Then Isak slips his thigh between Even’s thighs. Even stumbles right out of the kiss, into a soft moan. Isak grins. He nibbles at Even’s bottom lip with his teeth and presses his thigh tighter against Even. He wiggles it a little, feeling Even’s hardness against himself. Even moans again.

“Want something?” Isak purrs. Even needs a moment to remember how to speak.

“Yes. Please, love.”

Isak closes his eyes for a second, smiling. He moves his thigh one more time.

“Love, huh?”

Think, Even, think. It’s so hard. In so many ways.

“Would you prefer babe?”

Isak shakes his head. He can’t seem to stop smiling. It’s not a bad thing.

“No, no. Love is good.”

Even nods. He might say something, but Isak is doing that thing with his thigh again, thus making Even’s brain shut down. His mind turns into body, and that body is aching for Isak. Aching and throbbing, as Isak can probably feel against the hand he slips inside Even’s pants.

“Oh my”, Isak whispers. “Someone really needs this.”

Even needs this, yes, but he needs Isak more. He wants to tell Isak that, but Isak wraps his fingers around Even’s dick and Even is completely gone. He’s only flesh now. Flesh and need. He looks up at Isak’s lovely, cheeky grin, and his softly twinkling eyes, and images flash through his brain in a flickering current. Isak’s bare shoulder. The smooth spot on his inner thigh. His long fingers, his warm mouth, his hard dick.

Isak eases Even’s pants down, guiding his dick out. He has more room to operate now, and he is taking full advantage of it. He moves his hand back and forth, rubbing Even’s dick, and it makes Even pant.

Isak rests his head on Even’s shoulder. His breath is hot and wet against Even’s neck. His fingers work vigorously, he gasps at Even’s every moan. Those gasps make Even want to moan more, louder, getting lost in their shared passion, at the same time desperate for release and not wanting it to happen, because it means this is going to stop.

It’s so good. It’s too good. Even pushes his fingers into Isak’s hair. His curls are so soft. Even squeezes them gently in his fist. Isak moves his hand faster. He can probably feel Even twitching and pulsing in his hand, hungry to come.

So, so hungry.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Isak catches Even’s cum in his palm. He keeps pumping Even, rubbing it all over Even’s dick, and when Isak suddenly slides down Even’s body Even understands why. He closes his eyes and whimpers softly as he feels Isak lick him clean. His tongue is so slick and quick, and before he is done, Even is hard again.

“Fuck”, Even manages to push out of his mouth. Isak crawls back up. He is smiling.

“Sounds good to me.”


	87. Chapter 87

Isak can’t stop kissing Even. Either his lips, or his skin, or his hair, Isak has to be kissing him constantly. There are no options. Not now. It’s almost weird to be in Even’s bed doing this. It’s like it’s their first time in here, while it definitely isn’t. Issy has been in this bed many times, with Even, doing all sorts of things. Isak hasn’t. Not as something that can be described, though a bit inaccurately, as a whole person.

He is feeling whole. Fractured, yes, messed up, yes, but the difference is drastic. It’s like someone flicked a switch and the lights were turned on. His progress has taken a while and been somewhat gradual, but the change was also dramatic.

Luckily Even loves drama. Isak is getting used to it himself.

Even manages to kick his pants completely off and on the floor. He is naked now, next to Isak, and Isak is immediately jealous. He takes Even’s hand and brings it to his waistband. Even slips his thumb under it, making Isak sigh softly in pleasure. Yes. Exactly. Such a good boy.

Even pulls Isak’s pants down past his buttocks. The tension it gives Isak’s dick is almost painful, but just almost. Isak whimpers quietly as Even grabs his ass with his both hands. It feels naughty, in a very nice way. Even likes his ass. He wants his ass.

Isak wants Even. He has wanted Even for so long, and he hasn’t been ready for him, but now he is. He feels like he’s sure about this. About Even, and how much he wants Even, right now, inside him. Even seems to notice how much Isak wants it. He teases Isak, touching him lightly between his cheeks, gentle brushes that tickle more than anything else. Those touches are making Isak’s mouth wet. His hips nudge lightly, making his tip rub against his underwear. Combined with Even’s touches that’s enough to make him shake with lust and need.

“Fuck -- Even, please --” Isak pleads, for something, for anything. For Even. Even hums softly. He spreads Isak out a bit and presses his fingertip against him. It’s Isak’s turn to moan. He definitely wants this. He is so ready.

“Take me.”

Even eases his thumbs along Isak’s waistband and wiggles it down in the front as well. The sweetness of the release makes up for the loss of friction. Isak is so hard he’s almost poking himself in the stomach. Even notices it. He grabs Isak’s dick, but Isak takes his wrist and pulls his hand away.

“I’ll come. Not yet.”

The soft smirk that passes Even’s lips makes Isak’s stomach do a little somersault. Fuck, Even is hot. And naked, and hard, all for him. Isak follows Even’s lead and lets his hands guide him on his back on the bed. He looks up at Even, his beautiful Even, and nods. Yes. He wants this. He’s ready.

“Wait”, Even says. He pulls Isak’s pants off on his way out of the bed. That’s encouraging. It gives Isak patience to wait. He can’t take his eyes off of Even, though. Even goes to his phone and turns it off. “Just in case.”

Isak chuckles. Right. He left his phone in his room. It can buzz there as much as it wants. Isak isn’t interested. He settles a bit more comfortably and spreads his legs. Even returns to the bed, between Isak’s legs, holding a bottle of lube. Isak licks his lips slowly. He keeps looking at Even’s crotch, trying to catch a glimpse of his dick.

Is it bad to want this much? It has been a while since he got it on with Even, apart from a couple of unenthusiastic handjobs, performed more to get some sleep than out of passion. And now, at the first sign of Even getting better, Isak is begging for him with everything he has. Is it pathetic? Is it slutty?

Even presses a kiss on Isak’s inner thigh and Isak stops caring what it is. He can be the biggest slut in the universe and it’s okay, because he is here, with Even. This is right. This is good. This is love, or at least this feels like love. Isak spreads his legs a bit further.

“Oh God yes”, Isak gasps, as Even pushes his slippery finger inside him. He closes his eyes and grabs the sheet with his both hands. Even has been pleasuring him with his fingers so many times before, he knows what he’s doing. He knows where to touch to make Isak writhe and moan, and he knows how to avoid it just barely, driving Isak mad with need. He is doing both now. Isak himself asked him to not let him come, and he is starting to regret that decision.

When Even tries to switch to three fingers from two Isak nudges him with his foot.

“I’m ready”, he says. Even frowns.

“Are you sure?”

“Dick. Now. Please.”

Even’s frown dissolves into a giggle. He pushes his way up along Isak’s body and kisses him. Isak grabs his bottom lip with his teeth to underline how serious about this he is. Dick. Now.  _ Please. _

“It’s okay if you want to stop at any point”, Even reminds him. Isak rolls his eyes.

“Of course it is! Gimme!”

Even hesitates. He touches Isak’s cheek. His palm feels a bit sweaty, or maybe it’s Isak’s own sweat.

“Isak, I can make you come so hard you forget your name with my fingers. Or with my mouth.”

Isak shakes his head. It’s not about that. It’s not about that at all.

“I can make myself come just as hard”, Isak says. “I don’t want to come. Or yeah I do, so fucking much, but more than that I want you inside me. Unless you don’t want to. You can stop at any point too.”

Even brushes at Isak’s bottom lip with his thumb.

“I don’t want to stop. I just don’t want to ruin anything. Again.”

“It’s just sex, Even. It can’t be ruined by stopping.”

“Right. And wrong.” Even leans down and kisses Isak. “It’s not just sex. Not with you.”

Isak slips his hand into Even’s hair and pulls him into another kiss.

“Yes, it is, my romantic idiot. What you and me have,  _ that’s _ more than just sex. So much more. But this thing happening now? It’s just sex, and I want it with you. Please.”

“But it’s our first time”, Even argues. Isak wraps his leg around Even’s waist.

“Only in a sense. And it’s okay if the first time isn’t perfect. Right?”

Even nods, hurriedly.

“Right. Right. Of course it is.”

“Good. Now that we agree, can I please get that dick?”

Even laughs. Isak loves the way laughing makes Even squint.

“Fine! You’ll get that dick.”

“Fucking finally.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there's one more chapter left, but I might come up with more issues while writing it. I hope not.


	88. Chapter 88

For someone who has had so many miserable Christmases in his life, Magnus loves Christmas with great enthusiasm. This year is looking good. Mom is okay. She is a bit tired but she is herself, and she has been making Christmas with Mags and Kitty all week. The apartment smells delicious all the time, like spices and comfort and home. Magnus almost turned down this party just so he could stay home and cut paper snowflakes by the kitchen table like he did when he was little, a steaming cup of hot chocolate with a dash of cinnamon steaming within his reach.

Now that he is here, he is happy he didn’t skip this. He would have missed seeing Isak and Even in the middle of other people, together. They are glowing the happiness of a fresh couple, while still a bit shy to flaunt their love too much. They seem happy to be with each other, without the need to make sure everyone knows they are a couple.

Everyone knows, though. It’s obvious, they are a couple, and lovely, and all their friends are happy for them. They are constantly touching each other. It’s subtle but continuous, from Even leaning down to hug Isak, who is sitting on the couch, from behind and peek over his shoulder, to their ankles crossing under the kitchen table. Every time Magnus looks at them, they are touching each other.

Every time Magnus looks at Even, he is smiling. Isak is somewhat more stoic, but he looks happy, too. He looks at peace with himself, and the world, and seeing that makes it worth coming here tonight. Magnus expected this party to be like the last one, with people dancing on coffee tables with sparkly buckets on their head, but nobody here seems to be on the mood for that. Christmas music is playing in the background, the glögg is spiked but not overdone, and everyone seems happy to be simply winding down from the stress of exams and essays and Christmas preparations.

Something like this is exactly what they all need after the past few months. Isak and Even have gone through so much, and if Magnus is honest, so have their friends. That’s why their happiness feels so good to others, too. It was a team effort. Magnus, Jonas and Eskild did the most of the work, but they passed on their own burdens to their other friends. It takes a village.

Magnus spots Jonas by the kitchen window, smoking through the crack. Magnus heads for him. He pushes past Oskar and his latest girlfriend who are kissing under the mistletoe Eskild hung in the kitchen doorway earlier. Jonas offers the cigarette to Magnus when he arrives, but Magnus shakes his head.

“I want to kiss Kitty when I get to her place”, Magnus says. Jonas grins.

“Can’t blame you. She’s a total babe.”

Magnus blushes a bit. His girlfriend is a total babe, and Magnus understands he should be ashamed because having a cool guy like Jonas approve of her feels good.

“I’m so lucky to have her”, Magnus confirms. Jonas shrugs.

“You’re a good guy. You’re both lucky to have found each other.”

Magnus isn’t sure about how lucky Kitty is, having found him. But she seems happy. She tells Magnus, repeatedly and relentlessly, that she’s happy. Magnus does his best to believe her, because he knows how exhausting it is to have to keep saying things like that. To keep convincing someone that yes, they are loved, and yes, they are worth it.

Magnus really hopes Isak won’t get tired of convincing Even. He really, really hopes they will make it.

“Sometimes it’s luck. Sometimes it’s effort.”

Jonas nods. He looks impressed. Magnus is being ridiculous again, getting so much joy from impressing Jonas, but he doesn’t stress about it too much. He is a pleaser, and he tends to idolize people, and it’s okay as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Him included.

“Yes. Effort. Effort is important.” Jonas is a bit tipsy from the glögg, but he’s not exactly drunk. His eyes are sparkling with warmth. “I keep forgetting that with my partners. There are so many things that take effort and I guess I kind of run out?”

Magnus hesitates. Which is exactly the kind of unhealthy behaviour he should not indulge in.

“It doesn’t feel like effort with the right person.”

Jonas squints. He blows the smoke out the window and turns to look at Magnus again.

“You’re some kind of guru, huh? Love doctor Magnus.” Jonas doesn’t sound like he’s mocking or annoyed. He seems to be serious.

“I’m not -- no. Shit, no. My love life was non-existent before I ran into Kitty. By luck.”

“Yeah, but you’re keeping her around with your mad love guru skills.”

Magnus huffs. He pushes his hand through his hair, but it doesn’t help much. His hair is always out of control. He has considered getting a buzz cut, but Kitty specifically told him no.

“I bet Is and Even wouldn’t be a thing without your help, either”, Jonas says. His words make Magnus blush again.

“I can’t take credit for star crossed lovers. They’re meant for each other. They lived in the same apartment for over a month before I even met Isak.”

“Yeah, pining in silence”, Jonas remarks. “If you hadn’t fallen for Even Isak wouldn’t have noticed he doesn’t have exclusive access.”

Magnus licks his lips quickly. That’s not. Well, proper.

“Too soon, dude.”

Jonas arches his brow.

“Oh? Sorry, I thought that you’d be over him. With Kitty and all.”

Magnus shrugs. He looks over his shoulder, past Oskar and his girl, into the living room. He sees Even’s profile. He is smiling.

“I’m probably not ever going to get completely over him. I mean, there was zero sparks when we kissed, and I’m more than happy to be just friends with him, but. He was the first boy I’ve ever even considered. The only boy, this far.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t get it. You don’t want him, but you’re not over him?”

“I’m over him in that sense, yeah. I’m just not ready to joke about my. Falling. For him. Okay?”

Jonas throws the cigarette bud down on the street and closes the window.

“Okay. Sorry, I didn’t mean anything.”

“It’s cool”, Magnus says, and this time he really means it. He is kind of proud, for standing up for himself before Jonas. There have been times he wouldn’t have done it. He has grown, in a good direction. Well done.

Jonas steps away from the window and goes to fill up his mug. Magnus doesn’t remember where he left his. He’ll go look for it soon.

“I wanted to thank you”, Magnus blurts out before Jonas runs away from him. It works. Jonas stops and turns around, looking at him.

“Oh? Why?”

“You saved Isak. He’s here now because of you.”

Jonas grimaces.

“Uhhhh I don’t think so.”

“I do. He needed a friend. A best friend, someone who he trusted and who knew him through and through. I couldn’t be that friend because, as it turned out, I didn’t know him at all. You did.”

Jonas is getting a bit squirmy.

“I let him down. I wasn’t there when he needed me.”

Magnus shakes his head and steps closer to Jonas. He places his hand on Jonas’ shoulder.

“But you were. When he needed you the most, you were there. On the streets, in the middle of the night. On the phone. Helping him. Being there.”

Jonas hesitates. Magnus waits until he catches Jonas’ eyes with his.

“I mean it. Thank you. You delivered, when it mattered.”

“Says the guy who fished out fifty grand just like that.”

Magnus shrugs. It’s just money.

“Even is going to pay me back.”

“That’ll take time.”

“Maybe. But we have time.”

Magnus finally lets go of Jonas, but Jonas doesn’t leave. It feels nice, too.

“I’m sure you will become just as good friends with Isak as me and him. You’re a good guy, and a great friend. Isak has noticed it, too.”

Huh. Magnus really has grown. Not too long ago Jonas’ words would have hurt him. Now they don’t. He’s at peace with his jealousy.

“As good? I doubt it. But we could get close. With some time. And effort.”

“The guru has spoken”, Jonas laughs. He nods with his head towards the living room. “Come on. Our friends are waiting. Let’s go spend some time and make some effort.”

“With pleasure.”

Magnus follows Jonas into the living room. They squeeze in on the couch with Isak and Even, ignoring their resistance. Isak is resting his hand on Even’s knee. Even can’t stop smiling, even when he’s trying to defend his personal space from invaders. This is the best Christmas ever, Magnus thinks.

“Make room!”

That’s all the warning they get from Eskild before he jumps on the couch as well, across all their laps. Isak, Even and Jonas all struggle, laughing, to get rid of him, but Magnus doesn’t. He is happy to make room for a friend. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! We did it! We made it to the end.
> 
> As always, it was a real pleasure to be on this journey with you and the boys.
> 
> As always, I'd love to know what you think.


End file.
